Ethan and Heather both spent the rest of their shift dealing with the aftermath of the burglary case. Heather took a statement from the concerned neighbor who had called in about the robbery, and she was able to get in touch with the vacationing homeowners to explain the situation, while Ethan and Storm transported both perps to the hospital so their gunshot wounds could be dealt with. When he finally returned to the station after seeing to it that both were under lock and key, Ethan ran into Heather filing her reports for the day.
“Hey,” he smiled, stepping close and wrapping his arm around her, taking total advantage of the fact that they were the only two people in the reports room at the moment. And he frowned slightly when he felt her tense up a little.
She sidestepped his embrace and sat down at the long table to concentrate on her paperwork, and Ethan felt a sudden uneasy chill run up his spine.
“Heather, is something wrong?” he asked.
“No. Not at all,” she said quietly, focusing on the computer screen and avoiding his eyes.
Ethan stood for a moment, wondering what could be bothering her as he watched her. Maybe she just didn’t want any displays of affection while they were at work. If that was the case, he could certainly understand that. Especially since they had discussed keeping their relationship under wraps for now. But something about her demeanor told him there was more to it. He took a deep breath and pulled out a chair, taking a seat at the computer next to hers. He didn’t know what was going on, but he decided that he would wait her out, hoping she would talk to him eventually.
He concentrated on downloading his own reports for the day, pulling from his pocket the small disc from his cruiser’s laptop and inserting it into the station’s computer. He could feel Heather’s eyes on him as he worked, and he couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking.
She didn’t want to look. Heather didn’t want to care what Ethan was doing or what he was thinking. She didn’t want it to matter, but she knew that it did, and she hated it. Before he had come to her aid back at the burglary scene, Heather had made the decision to end their relationship before it could even begin. She had decided to put a stop to things before they could go any further, and she believed that she had no choice. That it was the right course of action to take, both for her career and for her personal sanity.
Her life had been a pretty solitary one since her rape. Her dad was gone, and her mom and sister were both in the wind. She had maybe one or two close friends she still enjoyed talking to from time to time, but for the most part, Heather was on her own. Focusing on building her career had been enough for her. And while she did often miss having a real family like she used to, she hadn’t missed having someone special in her life. Much. But then Ethan Kelly comes along, and in just one day’s time makes her rethink all of that.
She liked him, and she wanted to spend time with him and get to know him better, just like they had talked about that morning. But she also wanted to crawl back into her safe little hole and just focus on becoming the best police officer that she could be. That was safe. And it had almost zero potential of ever letting her down. She couldn’t say that about getting romantically involved with Ethan Kelly, and she was afraid of the vulnerability she felt when she was with him.
Ethan couldn’t take the silent treatment any longer. As he finished with his paperwork, he sighed heavily and turned to her. “I uh, never really said thanks for saving my ass back there,” he said.
Heather looked up at him, surprised by his choice of topic. “Oh. No thanks necessary. I was just doing my job,” she replied quietly. “You would have done the same for me.”
He nodded his head as he studied her. He could see something in her eyes. She wanted to say something to him, but she wasn’t sure how to do it. And from experience, Ethan suspected that whatever it was, he wasn’t going to like it one little bit.
“So, listen … why don’t you let me cook you a late dinner tonight?” he asked. “As a thank you.”
She stared at him with a blank expression for a moment, trying to decide what exactly she should say to him. “Really, Ethan … you don’t need to keep saying thanks. Besides, breakfast was delicious, but … I didn’t know you cooked real food.”
He smiled at her. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he said, looking into her eyes. “Just like there’s a whole lot I’d like to learn about you. If you would only give me the chance.”
Heather looked at him in surprise. How did he know?
“That is what’s going on here, right?” he asked with a quiet shrug. “You’re having second thoughts about us seeing each other? Or you’ve changed your mind completely, and this is the big kiss off.” He knew it well. That moment when the girl you’ve been dating, or hoping to date, tells you that she just wants to be friends, and that you are such a “nice guy.”
There was silence as they stared at one another, and Heather wasn’t sure what to say. She had been working on her explanation all shift long, working out all the points she was going to use to show him what a bad idea this was. She had a list, damn it! And it had been a good one too, but … at that particular moment with him staring into her eyes so sweetly, she couldn’t remember a single portion of it.
“Ethan, I …”
Her voice trailed off when she couldn’t think of a single thing to say, and he smiled sadly at her.
“It’s okay,” he said softly. Then he stood up to retrieve his hard copies from the printer. “I’ll see you around, Moss. Stay safe out there.”
He moved toward the door feeling like she had just crushed him with her shoe, and all he wanted was to get the hell out of there and get away from the humiliation as quickly as he could.
“Wait! Please,” she said softly.
He stopped in the doorway and took in a breath as his eyes looked toward the ceiling. With a quiet exhale, he turned slowly around to face her.
“Ethan … it’s not you. It’s me,” she offered.
Ethan smiled and looked down at the floor as he nodded his head. How many times had he heard that one? He wasn’t sure. But he knew that he couldn’t listen to it again.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said, looking her in the eye. “You don’t owe me any explanations. It’s not like we were an item. Just a one night stand, right?”
“No. Not right,” Heather said. “Ethan, I think dinner would be a great idea. So we can talk. If you still want to?”
He stared at her not knowing what to say or where she was going with this. She basically said she didn’t want to see him again. “It’s not you, it’s me.” There was only one way that statement could be interpreted, right? So what was left to talk about?
“Please?” she asked, looking up at him with those big, pretty blue eyes.
He took another deep breath as he looked at her. “Okay,” he sighed softly. “I’ll meet you at my place.”
“Okay.”
He left the room feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from under him. And after he deposited his reports on his sergeant’s desk, he clocked out and went straight to his car and headed home. He was in no mood to see anyone, and he certainly didn’t want to sit through an entire dinner filled with conversation about why the only girl he had been interested in dating in a long time didn’t want to date him. But he had no choice.
He walked into his apartment and immediately changed his clothes. Then he got busy throwing together a quick dinner for himself and Heather. When he first started working this three to eleven shift, he hated it because lunchtime - or dinner technically - wasn’t always a given in police work since crime didn’t really follow a set schedule. So Ethan had to get used to not only sleeping at strange hours, but also eating at weird hours of the day. But now that he had been on this shift for a year or so he kind of loved it. And it was a whole lot better than the eleven o’clock at night to seven in the morning shift that Nate worked. Or the dreaded seven o’clock at night to three in the morning power shift that Storm was stuck on.
By the time Heather knocked on his door twenty minutes later, he was plating up a vegetable and chicken stir fry. He placed the stir fry pan into the sink and then hurried to the door to let her in.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she said, smiling timidly at him as she walked in. “Something smells good.”
“I hope you like stir fry,” he smiled.
“Sure.”
He turned and walked into the kitchen, taking their plates from the counter and carrying them to the table. And as he set them down, his brain couldn’t help but conjure up an image of the two of them at this very table that morning, laughing over breakfast and then making love in the chair. And when he looked up at Heather, the expression on her face told him that she was reliving the same memory.
Heather could feel the color stain her cheeks when he looked into her eyes. Why had she wanted to come here to talk? They should have just gone for a beer at Jake’s. And her face reddened a deeper shade of scarlet as Ethan stepped closer to her. His eyes never left hers as he reached around her and pulled out her chair.
“Thank you,” she mumbled.
“You’re welcome. Beer? Wine?” he asked.
“Wine?” she replied, shrugging her shoulders.
He went to the cupboard and pulled out two glasses and poured them each a glass of white wine. And when he joined her at the table, they ate in an awkward silence for several long moments.
“This is really good,” she smiled.
“Thanks.”
“Is this your specialty?” she asked, trying to lighten the mood in the room a bit.
“No. This is … what just happened to be in the fridge tonight,” he shrugged. “Some fresh veggies and a little diced chicken. Couple of drops of bottled stir fry sauce, and throw it over some brown rice. Nothing special.”
“Well, I like it. It’s really good,” she repeated nervously. “Where did you learn to cook?”
“Mama Julia,” he answered, swallowing a bite.
“Mama Julia?”
Ethan laughed slightly. “Yeah. It’s just a silly nickname that we sometimes call my mom.”
“Oh?” Heather smiled at him. She liked hearing his family stories. The way he talked about his family intrigued her. He made them all sound like characters in an epic story or something and she was fascinated by them. Maybe because it was such a large family with extended cousins and aunts and uncles, and they all sounded so close-knit. It was something she didn’t have anymore.
“Yeah. Mainly we call her that because she is without a doubt the best cook in the world, and we always joke that she should have been a chef instead of a nurse. But we also call her that because she’s so spirited. High-strung, as my dad would say,” he explained, describing his mother to her. “Part Italian, part Irish. And all sass.”
“Really?” she smiled as she took another bite.
“Yeah. She was determined that her sons were going to know how to take care of themselves. She said that we would look a whole lot more attractive to a nice girl if we knew how to do things like cook a decent meal and wash a load of laundry,” he explained, taking a sip of his wine. “So, over our dad’s objections, she taught us how to do both.”
Heather laughed softly. “Why did your dad object?”
Ethan frowned at her. “Are you kidding? Michael Kelly is the ultimate macho man. And his sons were going to be macho men just like him, come hell or high water! They didn’t need to know things like cooking or cleaning. That’s woman’s work,” he smiled as he imitated his father’s gruff voice.
Heather’s laughter grew. “I’m starting to sense your relationship with your dad isn’t exactly the greatest,” she said, taking another bite of food.
Ethan shrugged. “It is what it is,” he mumbled. “I mean, I love my dad, but he can be a little archaic in his thinking sometimes. Old school in most things: women, child-rearing, police work. He’s a good man, but he was very strict when we were growing up, you know? He was a highly respected officer of the law, and his children had better be respectful, law-abiding young men and women at all times, or else.”
Heather nodded, getting a clearer picture of Ethan’s childhood and his family dynamic. And she began to understand where that innate kindness that she loved so much about him had come from.
Ethan took a last bite of his stir fry, and he wondered about their conversation as he chewed. He didn’t really want to talk about his family anymore. He thought she had come here to talk about the two of them. And as much as he didn’t want to have that conversation, he wanted it to be over with so that he could start to pick up the pieces and move on. He pushed his empty plate away and gave her a pointed look. And he could see the color rise from her neck to her pretty cheeks.
“I don’t think you came here for a Kelly family history lesson,” he said quietly.
Heather took another sip of her wine, hoping to gain a little courage as she looked away nervously. Then she set the glass down and ventured a glance at him. She shook her head as she looked back at the glass, letting her thumb play over the stem of it.
“No. I guess I didn’t,” she replied. “But now I’m thinking that maybe it’s time I gave you a Moss family history lesson.” She let go of the glass and placed her hands in her lap, twisting her fingers anxiously as she stared down at them. “Ethan,” she said, suddenly meeting her gaze. “My family is not like yours. In fact, my family is pretty much nonexistent these days. It wasn’t always that way though,” she explained. “Before my dad was killed, we were like the poster subjects for a happy family. My parents loved each other. My sister and I were always disgusted at their many public displays of affection. And Hillary and I … we were popular, well-adjusted teenagers. Life was good. But … after it happened, we … we just couldn’t ever seem to get back there, you know?”
Ethan frowned slightly as he listened to her. He could hear the sorrow in her voice, and the look in her eyes was almost too painful to see. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and reaching out to take both of her fidgeting hands into one of his own as they sat in her lap. He gently ran his thumb over her interlaced fingers as he stared into her eyes.
“My mom was devastated at losing my dad,” she said tearfully. “We all were, but … she was heartbroken. He was her world. And he was gone. She had a nervous breakdown. And I was a mess, trying to cope with my rape and with the nightmares of what they had done to my dad. I had no idea how to even start to put my life back together. And Hillary … she just kind of slipped through the cracks. She started acting out, hanging with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, and getting arrested. It was kind of like … every woman for herself, you know? Like we were each just trying to hang on to our sanity as best we could. And unfortunately, we couldn’t seem to figure out how to do that together, as a family. The three of us don’t really have a good relationship at the moment. We barely speak.”
She shuddered as she cried, and Ethan scooted his chair closer to her and reached up to wipe her tears.
“Heather, why are you telling me this?” he asked softly.
“Because I want you to understand that I’m not pushing you away because I don’t like you,” she sobbed. “I’m pushing you away because I like you too much.”
He looked at her completely dumbfounded. “I’m … I’m sorry, Heather. I don’t understand that.”
“Ethan … I don’t know how to do this,” she wailed. “I tried to tell you this last night. I don’t know how to do this relationship thing anymore. And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, I’m talking about all intimate relationships. My mom and my sister. Most of my old friends, they’re all gone, Ethan! I’m broken, okay? I’ve been broken for a long time now, and I don’t want you to waste your time on me. You need to find a girl who’s like you.”
“No. You are not broken, Heather! You’re scared,” he replied. “And I understand that. In fact, I understand it better now that you’ve told me what you and your mom and your sister went through. What you’re all still going through. I get it. But, Heather … you just told me that the three of you don’t have each other to lean on right now. So don’t push me away, Heather, lean on me! Let me be that person for you.”
“I can’t do that! I don’t know how to be the type of girl you want, Ethan,” she said.
“Heather, you already are the type of girl I want,” he said, gently holding her face in both his hands. “You don’t need to change a single thing, except maybe learning to let people back in. You’ve got to start somewhere, Heather. You can’t go through life this way. But you are exactly the type of girl I want. You are strong, and smart, and capable. And you are the most beautiful marksman I know.”
Heather suddenly laughed through her tears at the unexpected compliment. “You’re only saying that because I sort of saved your life today.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true,” he replied, looking into her eyes. “I have it on very good authority that you’re about to be courted by SWAT real soon.”
She frowned at him. “Really?”
Ethan chuckled at her. “Yes, really. But you didn’t hear that from me.”
Heather blinked a few times, wondering where this information was coming from as she wiped her tear-stained cheeks with her hands.
“You see? If you stick with me, you’ll always be up on the station gossip. There are so many of us Kellys that we’ve practically got that place wired,” he smiled, and she giggled in spite of herself. But as much as he liked hearing her laughter, he knew that they still hadn’t resolved anything.
There was a long pause as Heather stared at him. “You called me strong and smart and capable,” she said looking into his eyes.
“I did,” he confirmed.
“Did you mean that?”
“You are all of those things and more,” he replied, holding her gaze. “And I can’t wait to watch your star rise at the PD. You are going to be one hell of a cop, Heather. Your dad would be so proud of you for picking yourself up after what you and he went through that night, and for turning your family’s tragedy into something so positive and good for yourself.”
The tears fell without warning, and Ethan reached out and ran his hand over the back of her head. He gently pulled her to him and held her for a few moments as she cried on his shoulder.
“Your mom and your sister could both learn so much from you,” he whispered softly as he held her. “And maybe they have never told you this, but I’ll bet they are both so proud of you. It’s all right, Heather. It’s all right. You can cry as long as you need to, sweetheart,” he whispered. “You’re safe here.”
His words opened up a floodgate, and they sat at his kitchen table for the longest time as she cried and he held her close. And at one point, she felt herself being lifted, and she realized that he had picked her up and was carrying her to the couch. He sat down still cradling her in his arms and held her as she continued to cry.
It felt so freeing somehow, just to let out all of the sadness and the fear and frustration she’d been carrying around for so long now. She grieved as he held her. Not just for the loss of her dad, but for the loss of her mom and her sister as well. She knew that they weren’t lost to her in the same sense that her father was, but it still hurt as though they were. But maybe in time she could find the strength and the courage to reach out to each of them. To see if they could be a family again.
Almost an hour later Heather finally felt as though she had exhausted her supply of tears, and she sat in Ethan’s arms thinking about all that had transpired. She had come here to explain to him why she couldn’t see him anymore, but somehow he had managed to turn her excuses into a therapy session. How did he keep doing that? Getting her to talk so openly about her private life and her family troubles? She never did that with anyone else.
Ethan sat with his eyes closed as he held Heather in his arms. She had finally stopped crying a short while ago, and he wasn’t at all certain that she hadn’t fallen asleep. It didn’t matter to him if she had. It felt so good holding her close, he would gladly spend the night on the couch in this position if she needed him to.
What was it about this girl that affected him so deeply? He had to convince her to give him a chance - to give them a chance. He knew that they could have something so special if she would just let go of her fears and her self-doubts. At least she hadn’t continued with the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. In fact, she had freely admitted that she did like him, but she was afraid that she couldn’t be what he wanted. What the hell would give her the idea that he wanted her to be anything other than who she already was? Because the way Ethan saw it, she was already just about perfect. Why didn’t she know that?
“Ethan?”
Her voice was small and tired. And he opened his eyes and looked at her. “Hmm?”
“Earlier, when you said that I would be a good cop?”
“Yeah?”
She hesitated for a moment and then took a deep breath. “After that call yesterday with Mr. Fisher, I wasn’t so sure. I told you and your brother that it wasn’t enough to scare me away, but … it almost did.”
Ethan laughed and tightened his arms around her. “So what you’re saying is that you’re really a big fat phony, is that it?” he asked, and she giggled. And Ethan kissed the top of her head.
She sat up slightly and looked into his eyes. “Thank you, Ethan.”
“For what?” he asked.
She cocked her head as if she didn’t believe him. “How can you ask that question? For everything! You are one special man, Ethan Kelly. And I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a friend like you, but I’m grateful.”
Ethan took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he stared into her eyes. A friend. She wanted a friend. Slowly he nodded his head, trying hard not to show his disappointment. When he asked her to let him be the person she leaned on, friendship was not what he meant. But if that was all she could offer him, he would take it. He leaned up and sweetly kissed her forehead.
“You’re welcome.”
Heather stared into his eyes for a long time. Then she reached out and ran her fingers lightly over his cheek, letting them trail down to his lips. She leaned in and placed her lips on his, kissing him softly as her fingers found their way into his soft brown hair. When she looked at him again, his eyes told her that he wasn’t sure where this was leading, and she couldn’t blame him. She had given him so many mixed signals today it was a miracle he was still willing to deal with her at all.
“Promise me something,” she whispered as her fingers still played in his hair.
“If I can,” he replied, studying her pretty face.
“Promise me that we can go slowly,” she said softly, looking into his eyes. “Promise me that we can move slowly and have lots of fun together. I want to have fun again. I want to go places and do things. And I want to be silly. I haven’t been silly in a long time. I really want to be silly with you.”
Ethan felt his heart begin to race as she spoke, and her tearful smile just melted him. Where had this beautiful, tenacious force of nature come from? She was so resilient, to have come through such turmoil still be so determined to fight for a happy life. And Ethan knew that from this moment on, he would do anything to keep this incredible woman by his side.
“I can promise you loads of silliness,” he said with a very straight face as she began to giggle. “And I promise you walks in the park. And concerts. Romantic Bed and Breakfasts trips, and trips to the zoo to make fun of the monkeys. Uh … oh! And rollerskating! Now I ask you … what could be sillier than watching me fall flat on my ass, huh?” he asked with a huge smile while Heather continued to laugh.
“You’ve got a deal,” she smiled.
He kissed her deeply then, feeling Heather melt into him. Then she abruptly broke their kiss and looked at him.
“Sex,” she breathed. “Promise me lots of sex.”
“Oh, I can promise you lots and lots of sex,” he assured her between kisses.
“Okay, great! Can that start now?” she asked, already lifting his t-shirt over his head.
“Absolutely.”
The End.