It was really tough saying goodbye to Sam, Jack and Holly the next day. We’d exchanged mobile numbers and shared another hug in the kitchen the previous evening as we washed up after dinner, but I hadn’t gone back to the lodge with Sam. It hadn’t seemed right with it being Maria’s anniversary. I’d been tired and Sam had looked exhausted, so we’d agreed to head off to our own beds.
We shared a rather quick and quiet breakfast as everyone was keen to pack and tidy up. Even though Karl insisted that a cleaner would spritz the manor after we left, Esther insisted on donning her rubber gloves and bleaching every surface, toilet, bath and shower in the house. It had to be sparkling before we left, she’d said, or she wouldn’t be able to relax. She’d apparently changed in some ways but not in others.
After breakfast, I helped Sam to pack his car with all the children’s new presents and the rest of their luggage then I lingered outside, gazing at the land that belonged to the manor. It was a sunny Sunday morning and the snow-covered ground sparkled as if it had been covered with diamond dust. The trees and the gardens stretched out seemingly endless and I wondered what it would be like to stay there for ever with Sam, knowing that he would be by my side every day. But then I’d have to give up all that I’d worked for and I knew I’d struggle with that. In fact, it would probably be impossible.
‘Right, we’re all packed. The kids are giving the lodge one final check and making sure that the dogs go to the toilet before we leave. Are you okay?’ Sam placed his hands on my shoulders and I looked up into his brown eyes.
‘I guess so. I need to get back to the flat and get ready for tomorrow. We’ll be open again and all our regulars will want their coffees and cakes.’ I smiled, but inside I ached.
‘You have my number, Katie. Stay in touch?’ He stroked my face and I swallowed hard against the emotion welling in my throat.
‘I will. I promise. You too.’
‘Thank you for making this such a good Christmas. You and your family have been wonderful and it would have been a lot harder without your support. Perhaps we can get together soon?’
I nodded. ‘I’d like that.’ But I wondered if we would and if Sam really thought it was a possibility. Or did he just need to go home and get on with his life now that he’d crossed the huge hurdle that was the first Christmas without Maria around?
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, then walked back to the lodge. I waited until he returned with Jack, Holly and the dogs and watched as he settled them into the car. They’d already said their goodbyes to everyone else.
‘Bye-bye, Katie!’ Holly waved from the back seat.
‘Goodbye, Holly. Goodbye, Jack!’ I waved at them, then at the dogs.
‘Speak soon.’ Sam nodded at me. His face was pale and I could see a muscle twitching in his jaw. He took a step towards me, then met my eyes, shook his head and got into the car instead. As he pulled away, I waved and forced a smile onto my face until they disappeared then I hugged myself tight.
I’d come away for Christmas, expecting to spend some time with my family but I’d ended up being reunited with my first love. Christmas had been completely different than I’d expected it to be. I’d only been away for a few days but I felt like everything had changed. I’d been so certain about what I wanted just days ago but now that certainty had deserted me and I was all jumbled up and wobbly. I was relieved to realise that I was looking forward to getting back to the flat, to talking to Ann and to baking again. Being in the shop kitchen calmed me in a way not many other things could. It was a haven, my sanctuary, and I wanted to get back there so that I could think clearly.
Was I just confused about Sam because I was away from normality? Like a holiday romance, would what I thought we’d felt for each other and been to each other here, disappear when I returned home? It was possible; I knew that. I might have a romantic side but I’m a realist too. Only time would tell. And what about Sam? He’d admitted feeling confused too. Perhaps he wouldn’t really want to see me again and we should just accept that this had been nice but our lives were far too different now. What we had was in the past and it would soon fade away from our memories, just as all evidence that we’d stayed here over Christmas would soon disappear like our footsteps in the snow.
I meandered back up to the manor house to finish packing. The sooner I got back to my form of reality the better. Only then would I be able to digest the past few days and make some decisions about whether I would actually use Sam’s number. Only then would I be able to clearly assess whether there was room in my life for a readymade family and if there was room in their lives for me.
***
When I arrived home, I raced up the stairs to the flat, desperate to hear Ann’s news but when I reached the living room, my mouth fell open. The room was a tip. There was wrapping paper all over the floor, a pile of blankets on the sofa and dirty cups and plates on the coffee table. And it smelt stale.
I crossed the room and opened the window.
‘Katie?’
I jumped as the pile of blankets on the sofa moved.
‘Ann?’ I approached cautiously and she peered out at me.
‘You’re back.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, but I already knew.
She pushed herself upright and stared at the blank TV screen. Her dark hair stuck out in all directions and her glasses were smudged and wonky. She took a breath and opened her mouth but her bottom lip wobbled and she just started to wail.
‘Oh, Ann,’ I said as I sat next to her and pulled her into my arms. ‘I take it Mark didn’t propose?’
She shook her head. I gently removed her glasses then gave her a tissue from the box on the table. ‘He…he…said…not yet.’
‘Not yet?’ My heart sank as I watched the tears run down her cheeks.
‘N…o…oooooo.’
‘Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.’ I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me as she sobbed. I’d been so involved with my own Christmas that I’d just hoped Ann was having a good time with Mark. Sadly, it seemed that my best friend had hidden her disappointment from me while I’d been away. When she was finally spent, I placed my hands on her shoulders and took a good look at her.
‘I’ll get us a drink and clear up some of this mess while you take a nice shower, then you can tell me all about it.’
She gazed at me with her puffy red eyes and my heart broke for her. I’d thought it was all working out with Mark and that their life would be happily mapped out. But it seemed that I’d been wrong. I guess that’s the thing with plans though, they often take an unexpected turn.
***
I spent the next two weeks taking care of Ann. She was devastated and took Mark’s hesitation over proposing as a sign that he wasn’t serious about her. They’d rowed at Christmas and they hadn’t spoken since. I was overwhelmed with guilt that I’d been away when Ann had needed me most. She’d even spent the rest of Christmas day alone, crying into a box of chocolates.
I tried to encourage her to phone Mark to try to sort things out, but she refused. She said that she just couldn’t accept any more excuses. So that was that.
Sam had sent a few texts and I’d replied with what I hoped was a light and airy tone. I didn’t want to rush things and I needed some space, as, I suspected, did he. He took Jack and Holly to stay with Maria’s parents over the New Year and I saw it in with Ann at the flat. Karl invited us both to some swanky party in London but neither of us was up to it. Instead, we made cocktails and ate nachos while watching Friends reruns. I did receive a text from Sam before midnight, one of those Before all the networks are jammed…style messages, but when I tried to reply, my text kept bouncing back. I wondered if it was a sign.
Then the second weekend after Christmas, Karl rang and asked me to go home to help sort out some of my old things before Mum and Dad put the house on the market. I asked Ann to go with me but she said that she’d be fine and would keep busy in the shop with the help of our Saturday girls. I made her promise to ring me if she needed me. She was trying hard to be brave and whilst I wanted to support her, I didn’t want to suffocate her, so I headed off to Sevenoaks on Saturday lunchtime with a box of Crumbtious cakes in the boot and a few empty boxes for my childhood belongings.
My parents had gone food shopping when I arrived and Karl and Angelo were at the gym, so I let myself in and put my overnight bag in my old room with its ever-present childhood memories. It was odd knowing that it would soon be someone else’s room. I had a quick wash then went downstairs to get something to eat. I’d skipped lunch to get on the road and my stomach was grumbling. I made some tea and toast and decided to take it back to my room so I could start sorting through my old things.
I was about to walk upstairs when my eyes fell on Granny’s chairlift with its padded white leather cushions. I swear that there was a kind of glow emanating from it, as if it were gleaming in the hall light, and trying to entice me. I just had to try it. It was almost as if Granny was there, wickedly encouraging me, which I have no doubt she would have done had she been present.
I perched on the rather comfortable seat, then pressed the green button on the control pad and off I went. Slowly. Very slowly. I went to sip my tea but it was scalding and I spat the liquid out instinctively, soaking my leggings in the process. The tea burnt my thighs so, being the sensible person that I am, I stuffed both pieces of toast into my mouth and held them between my teeth, then started peeling off my leggings with my free hand. This was not an easy feat as wet leggings tend to cling to warm skin and the slow momentum of the lift made it even harder. When I reached the top of the staircase, I’d managed to wiggle myself around so that my legs were over the arm with my wet leggings around my ankles, but I couldn’t pull them off because of my trainers and the fact that I was holding a mug in one hand. I decided to go back down to throw my leggings straight in the washer. Unfortunately, as I arrived at the ground floor again, I realised that I was not alone.
‘Katie, what’re you doing?’ It was Angelo. I stared at the beautiful olive skin of his face as my cheeks scorched and I desperately tried to cover my knickers with my free hand. I’d run out of underwear that morning so dug around in a drawer and found an old pair of lacy bikini briefs that I must have thought were sexy a few years ago. They might have fitted then but now they were rather tight and my muffin top was bulging over the waistband while my thighs were straining against the leg holes. Add to this my rather unkempt bikini line – which I’d neglected in my single state – and I was further from resembling a Miss World contestant than I’d ever been.
Under Angelo’s curious gaze, I struggled to move my legs back around so that I could sit upright, but the crotch of my leggings got caught on the arm of the chair, so that I ended up trapped and totally exposing my wobbly bits.
Angelo started laughing. ‘Why’d you take the lift? Your legs not working today?’
I removed the dangling toast from my mouth then automatically raised my tea and took a swig, forgetting that it was hot. Tears filled my eyes as pain filled my mouth.
‘Oh don’t cry, Katie. I…I’ll get Karl.’
No! ‘He’s here too?’
He nodded. ‘Just parking the car.’
‘Oh.’ My heart lurched. ‘Uh…don’t get Karl but could you take my mug and the toast?’
‘Of course.’ He removed them from my hands so I could free my legs. I stood up, then tugged my leggings back up, wincing at the feel of the cold damp material clinging to my skin. ‘Sorry about that.’
‘No problem. You’re a funny lady.’
Funny, eh?
‘And I don’t care about seeing your knickers. Your, er…female charms don’t work on me.’ He grinned.
‘Thank goodness for that!’ I sighed and took my mug and toast back. ‘Now don’t tell Karl I was riding the chairlift, will you?’
‘I promise,’ he said. ‘But can I have a go?’
I giggled and nodded. ‘Better be quick though before Mum and Dad get home.’
He hurried to the chair and left me standing in the hallway, shaking my head. He really was a keeper and I was thrilled that Karl had found him.
***
Later that day, after I’d packed up some things to take with me and filled two boxes to take to the charity shop, I decided to venture into Granny’s room. I hadn’t been in there since she’d died, not even after the funeral. I just couldn’t face it. I pushed the door open and found Mum in there with Karl and Angelo. The three of them sat on her double bed looking through a photo album.
‘Hey, Katie, come look at this,’ Karl said and patted the bed.
I paused in the doorway. I’d been gearing up to step inside her room, but didn’t know if I could face spending time in there or going through old photographs.
‘Come on, Katie,’ Mum said. ‘These photographs are lovely.’
‘It’s okay to cry if you need to, Katie.’ Karl held out a hand. ‘Come here.’
I perched next to him and followed his pointing finger. ‘Granny’s so young there.’ She was stood in our garden wearing a sundress and a big floppy straw hat. I was standing next to her in a bikini, an awkward twelve year old just starting to change into a woman.
‘You very skinny there, Katie,’ Angelo said. ‘You wear purple knickers.’
‘No, Angelo,’ I replied, willing the heat to leave my cheeks. ‘That’s a bikini.’
‘Yes,’ he said and winked at me. ‘Not lacy.’
Karl watched us both closely and I knew that he was dying to ask so I mouthed Tell you later. I didn’t really want to get into my chairlift adventure in front of Mum. She had mellowed over Christmas but I doubted that she’d approve of my riding the chairlift or taking food upstairs whilst wearing my trainers for that matter.
The next photograph was of Mum, wearing jeans and a navy blouse, standing in the kitchen. Dad must have taken it because she had that softening in her expression that only he could arouse. She was peeling potatoes at the counter, her long blonde waves loosely pinned at her neck. She was absolutely stunning, even when completing an everyday chore like that.
‘I don’t know why your Granny kept some of these,’ Mum broke the silence that had fallen as we all gazed at her lovely image forever captured in the album.
‘Because she loved you,’ Karl replied.
Mum shook her head. ‘I wondered sometimes. I was very fond of her even though sometimes she drove me mad. I think she grew to love me…in a way.’ She laughed but her eyes were sad. ‘But she never thought I was good enough for her son.’
‘Isn’t that standard mother-in-law stuff though?’ I asked.
Mum nodded. ‘I guess so. In the early days of my relationship with your father, she gave me hell.’
‘Granny?’ I couldn’t believe that my lovely little Granny would be mean to anyone.
‘She seemed to challenge me at every opportunity.’ Mum sighed.
‘I know that feeling,’ I said, my mouth working again before my brain had engaged. Hurt danced across Mum’s face but she hid it quickly.
‘Life isn’t always what we would like it to be, Katie, and sometimes people make it harder than it needs to be for others. It isn’t always intentional but sometimes we have motivations that we don’t even really understand ourselves. Maybe one day, when you’re a mother, you’ll know.’ She started as she realised what she’d just said but I just looked away.
One day…when I’m a mother… Would that actually ever happen? What if the same things went wrong as last time? If I ever allowed myself to get pregnant again that was. Which I doubted I’d ever be able to do.
‘Hey we’re getting a bit deep here aren’t we, girls?’ Karl fanned his face. ‘Perhaps we should sort her wardrobe now. Make sure that all the good stuff goes to the British Heart Foundation or I’m sure she’ll haunt us for ever.’
‘Good idea.’ I jumped up and crossed the room to the fitted wardrobe but, as I stood in front of it, my stomach churned. Could I really go through her things, then give them away? While her wardrobe still held her clothes, it was as if she was still around, but wasn’t getting rid of them like getting rid of her?
Mum approached me. ‘This will be tough, Katie. No one’s denying that. But we’re only giving away her clothes, not the memories or our love for her.’
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. As I slid the door open, a wave of lavender and mint hit me full force. Ouch! I took a deep breath and steeled myself. Do it for Granny. Do her proud. This is the last thing you can do for her so make sure it’s done properly.
My mind sang as I flicked through Granny’s outfits. Each one held a memory that pierced my heart like an icicle. I ground my teeth together and took deep, grounding breaths. There was something else that Granny would like me to do for her, something she’d repeated to me over and over the last time we’d spoken.
Her words circled my mind as her familiar scent enveloped me: Katie, what I’m talking about here is you getting yourself a life. Whether that’s a man or a woman, a dog or a cat, a house or an apartment in Italy…you have to take some time out to enjoy your life before it’s gone.
After the funeral service, Granny had been carried back to the car and taken to the crematorium. She had always insisted that she wanted to be cremated, hating the idea of lying cold in the ground. She had kept my Granddad’s ashes all those years and asked to be scattered with him so that the winds could carry them away together. She said that she and Jim had always wanted to see the world and this would provide them with the perfect opportunity. It was beyond romantic and heartbreakingly sad. But it was what she’d wanted. We’d taken their combined ashes on a hot-air balloon flight where we’d set them free. It had been difficult to say goodbye in that way yet also liberating because we knew we were giving her what she’d wanted.
Since Granny had died, I’d spent a lot of time wondering how it was possible that people we loved so much could be there one day and gone the next? I’d asked myself, how exactly did we go on? The only answer I could come up with was because we had to; it was human nature to persevere and to continue to exist in spite of everything life threw at us. It was our duty as a race.
Another thought ricocheted through me then. Granny had been right about not wasting time and living life. Who knew how long any of us had? If there was a chance that something could develop with Sam, that we could build a life together, then I should seize that opportunity, shouldn’t I?