After the wedding party had finished, we returned to Sam’s house in his car. We were quiet during the journey, content to sit side by side, just being together. We’d stopped at the flat for me to collect a change of clothes and an overnight bag and I’d checked that the shop alarm was on, as Ann wouldn’t be returning there until the next day because Mark had booked them into a luxury hotel for the night as a surprise.
Sam parked the car then turned to me.
‘What now?’
I wanted to tell him to carry me over the threshold and to kiss me and never stop but I knew that we needed to talk. Things couldn’t go any further between us until we’d aired everything. I trembled with longing and anticipation, but also with fear because I knew that it was make-or-break time for us. Nearly a decade after we’d first said goodbye, would we be forced to admit defeat and part for a final time? I didn’t know if either of us would survive that unhappy ending.
We went inside and Sam let the dogs out while I went upstairs to change into my jogging bottoms and hoodie, then I made coffee while Sam changed too. Finally, when we were both more comfortably attired and equipped with large mugs of coffee, we went into his lounge and settled on the big comfy sofa.
‘What happens now?’ I asked, my stomach a boiling pot of emotion.
‘I don’t know.’ He rubbed a large hand over his face, then around the back of his neck. ‘I’m scared, Katie. I didn’t expect all this to happen. After Maria’s death, I kind of just existed, going through the motions for the children but then…seeing you at Christmas brought me back to life. You made me want to live again, Katie. And I mean really live, for me and not just for Jack and Holly.’
I took his hand and ran my thumb over the palm. His skin was smooth and cool and I traced the familiar lines.
‘I’ve tried to be strong, Sam, and to stay distant these past few weeks because I don’t know if we can find a way forward. I have the business and it’s a huge commitment. I’ve worked so hard and Ann’s worked so hard to make it a success. Hell, I didn’t even try to buy a home of my own because I invested every penny I had into making it work. It’s been everything to me for over two years and even longer if I count the rest of the time that I’ve scrimped and saved to make it a reality.’
‘I get that, Katie, I really do. You always wanted your own business and I knew, even when we were kids that you’d be whatever you wanted to be. I just hoped that we’d be together.’
‘When I got pregnant, Sam, I’m not sure how much of a mistake it was. After years of Esther’s tough mothering, I’d sworn I’d make something of myself but I also suspect that getting pregnant with our child was a way out.’
‘A way out?’
‘Of the pressure.’
‘I don’t understand what you mean.’ He frowned and I took a deep breath. Hell, I’d hardly even admitted this to myself before now, but here I was, about to share everything with Sam. I hoped that it would help him to know me better, not destroy his affection for me as it could do.
‘Well, Esther had always harped on about how being pregnant tied a woman down and how it could ruin her life if she wasn’t ready. I now know why she felt that way, since she confessed all about Dad’s affair and how it impacted upon her pregnancy with me.’ He frowned. ‘I’ll explain about all that another time. But being strong and ambitious can be tiring and I was so much in love with you. I think…in fact I know…that I deliberately forgot to take that contraceptive pill. And the next one and…the rest of the packet.’ Nausea enveloped me as I waited for his reaction to my confession.
‘Katie!’ His eyes were wide and a muscle twitched in his jaw. ‘If you’d wanted a child so desperately, why didn’t you talk to me about it?’
‘Because I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to get pregnant. I just kind of left it up to…I don’t know…fate.’
‘Because you wanted a break?’ Now he looked really confused.
‘If I got pregnant then I would be the disappointment I’d always believed that Esther thought I was. It meant that I could shrug and let her say I told you so and the pressure was off.’
He nodded. ‘I get that.’
‘But as our child grew inside me and I felt her move, then we went for the scan and saw her sucking her tiny thumb, well, I just fell in love with her.’ My eyes felt scorched and I looked away, staring at the darkness beyond the lounge window.
‘I loved her too, Katie. I know you doubted that I wanted her as much as you did, but I was trying to be strong for you.’
‘I know that now. Losing her was so hard. The doctors and nurses were kind but I felt so isolated, like if I’d been just one week further along then people would have treated me differently and called her loss a stillbirth not a miscarriage. It felt dismissive to say that she wasn’t quite viable. I know that things have advanced since then and that she might have a chance today…however slim.’ My chest ached and I rubbed it hard above my heart.
‘So you thought that it was better to leave me?’ Sam turned my face towards him and I saw that his eyes glistened too.
I nodded. ‘I felt that it was all my fault. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant in the first place then we wouldn’t have gone through all that pain. My parents, your parents, you…me…her.’
‘It wasn’t your fault that we lost her.’
‘But it was as if the universe was punishing me for making the decision to have her in the first place. I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough as a daughter so how could I ever be a good mum? Perhaps I didn’t deserve her.’ My voice broke as I admitted one of my biggest fears, the one that I’d buried for what felt like a lifetime. ‘And perhaps, if that’s true, then I don’t deserve to be a mum to Jack and Holly.’
Sam moved towards me on the sofa and enveloped me in his arms. I tried to push him away, to slip out of his embrace but he was just too strong. Finally, I gave in and just sobbed on his chest, tears soaked his T-shirt and I didn’t give a damn. Years of hurt and loss and confusion poured out of me like an emotional tidal wave.
‘Katie, what happened was no one’s fault. It can happen in any pregnancy. It was a spontaneous abnormality caused either by the genetic material in the sperm or the egg cells. One in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage. They talked us through all this.’
I lifted my head and wiped my nose with a tissue I found in my pocket.
‘I know all that but they also said that it could happen again and I just couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t put you through all that again and I knew that you wanted children. You deserved children. If that could happen to me when I was so young and healthy then it could happen again. I had to shut myself off from you.’
He pushed my hair behind my ears. ‘Don’t you know that I’d have loved you whatever happened? I wanted to be with you because you were my girl. If we’d never had kids then we’d still have been happy.’
‘Would we?’
‘Yes.’
‘But things are different now. You went on to have children. Perhaps the fault was with me.’
‘Enough!’
I jumped at his stern tone.
‘You need to let this go, now. We have a chance to move on. I’ll never forget her and neither will you but we’re still here. You, me, Jack and Holly. We can build a life together, Katie. But I have to know that it’s what you want. Is it?’
‘I’ve thought about nothing else, Sam. But I don’t know how we can do it. The shop is an hour and a half away.’
‘That’s doable, isn’t it? You could commute.’ He eyed me warily and I knew that he didn’t like that idea much either.
‘If I moved in with you here, I’d have to leave about four in the morning to get to the shop in time and I wouldn’t get home until after eight. How is that good for the children or for us?’
He chewed his lip. ‘I know you’d be good for Jack and Holly, Katie. But I’m not sure that you want this. If you did, you’d find a way. I can’t risk them loving you, then losing you. They’ve been through too much already. What if you joined in our lives, then decided it was all too much and upped and left again? I can’t let that happen to them.’
‘I know.’
I slumped onto the sofa next to him and held his hand. How could we find a way through this? What would work for us?
‘I would never ask you to give up all that you’ve worked for,’ Sam said after a while. ‘I know what you’ve given to the business.’
‘But I do want to be with you, Sam. I want more in my life than just the business. It’s been my world for so long but I want you too. Granny and Karl both told me to grab life with both hands while I could and if I let you go now, I know I’ll never love again. I tried, with Harrison, but it wasn’t right. I’ve been on dates too. But no other man was right.’
‘For me, it was always you, Katie. But I need you to want me as much as I want you.’
‘I have an idea, Sam, but I don’t know if you’ll like it.’
‘Go on.’ He turned to face me and took my hands.
‘I went to see the business consultant at the bank recently, just to have a business health check and to discuss possibilities for further expansion. One of my ideas was to build the online side of Crumbtious. At the moment, in West Hampstead, we’re doing well but there’s a whole world out there just waiting for cakes. Wedding cakes. Birthday cakes. Anniversary cakes. Graduation cakes.’
A smile played on his lips and I couldn’t help myself, I leant forwards and kissed him softly.
‘I can’t disagree with that, Katie,’ he murmured against my lips.
‘So, if I had a base, a workshop, say, I could develop that side of the business.’
‘What about the shop?’
‘Well, we’ve finally taken on our two Christmas workers permanently. One used to work in a baker’s until she had children. She’s really good. Ann will obviously need some maternity time but Mark has a great paternity package from his employer, so they’ve said that they can manage things there between them if I want to branch out.’
‘That’s incredible news!’ he said and lifted both of my hands and kissed them.
‘Mark’s going to move into the flat for a while too because they’re renovating an old property he bought at an auction. Apparently it could take six months or more to get the new property up to standard and that’s once all the paperwork has been finalised. So I just need to find a base. Somewhere to set up, then I can get the ball rolling.’
Sam’s cheeks coloured and I wondered what he was thinking.
‘What about…’ He shook his head. ‘No. Silly idea.’
‘Tell me!’
‘Well, I have a possibility.’
‘Where?’
‘It depends how close to home you’d like to work. My, uh, land here stretches beyond the garden. You see, the property came with a few acres and there are some old outbuildings just a short walk from the garden. We could look into developing one of those?’
‘Really?’
‘I’m sure that we could work something out and get you up and running here if you’d be happy with that?’
‘Happy?’ I flung myself into his arms. ‘That’s a wonderful idea!’
I snuggled my face into his neck and held on tight. Was it possible? Could it really happen?
‘Now, one final time, then I won’t ask again. Katie, are you sure that you want all this?’ Sam gestured at the room and then at himself and I sat back on my heels. ‘If you do, it’s yours.’
‘I guess it won’t be easy.’
He shook his head. ‘We’ll have to introduce the children to the idea of us being together slowly. They already think a lot of you but they’ll need to adjust to us being together. I also want to speak to Maria’s parents about it so that it doesn’t come from the children. Jack and Holly might not deliver it as gently as they could do.’
‘Setting up the Internet business will take some time, so it’s not like I can move in tomorrow.’
He stroked my hair back from my forehead. ‘If I had my way then you would, but no. It will take a few months, I expect.’
‘That gives me time to train our new employees fully and for Ann and Mark to sort their side of things.’
‘But I need to see you, Katie. A lot of you.’
‘I’ll be here whenever you need me,’ I said as he pulled me close and kissed me.
‘Now that’s all settled, can we start making up for lost time?’ he asked as he helped me out of my hoodie, then slid my jogging bottoms down my legs.
‘Yes please,’ I agreed, as he started to do things to me that made everything else just melt away.
And soon we were one. Just like we used to be. Just like we always should have been.
***
Two weeks later, Sam held my hand as we visited the memorial garden at the hospital where I’d given birth to our child. I hadn’t been there since her ashes had been scattered and I was terrified. But Sam was with me, holding me tight, holding me together.
The garden was small yet pretty. There were several benches dotted around with plaques dedicated to lost children and a variety of trees and plants offering privacy to grieving parents.
I pulled the pink teddy bear from my pocket and stroked it with my thumb. Sam slipped his big hand around mine and copied my action so that we were connected around the bear.
‘Do you wish that we’d given her a name?’ Sam asked me.
I placed the bear in his hand, then crouched down next to a lavender bush and inhaled the sweet fresh scent.
I shook my head. ‘I couldn’t do it.’
‘I tried, for a while, in my head. But it made the pain worse.’
‘I know.’ I moved closer to him.
‘It’s so unfair,’ he said.
‘It is but then if she’d lived, you wouldn’t have gone on to have Jack and Holly.’
He nodded. ‘Life’s like that, I guess.’
‘Always moving on. Always changing.’
‘But never forgetting.’
‘No. Never forgetting.’ I brushed my hand over the lavender and released a wave of its calming fragrance before standing up again. ‘I’ll never forget her beautiful face or her tiny perfect body when they placed her in my arms. She was so light yet so real. Our baby girl. Even though we only had her for a moment, Sam, I don’t regret having her.’
‘Me either, Katie. I loved her and I love you.’
I blinked hard and took a deep, shaky breath. The birds sang in the trees and the breeze toyed with my hair, lifting it from my face, then dropping it gently again. I looked up and watched the clouds as they sailed through the sky. We were so insignificant in the grander scheme of things, whatever it was, yet we suffered so much as a species. People had been losing their children since the first humans roamed the earth, yet they had survived. Because they had to. It didn’t ease my pain, or Sam’s pain, but knowing that we were not alone in our loss helped me to feel less isolated.
‘Do you think that…’ Sam turned to me and gazed into my eyes.
I knew what Sam was about to ask but I didn’t know the answer. Nearly ten years after losing my little girl, I was used to swearing that I’d never try to have another baby. That certainly wouldn’t change overnight. Or over the course of a few months. Maybe not ever.
‘I don’t know, Sam. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to try again.’
‘All that matters, Katie, is that I have you. I’ll never ask you to do anything that might cause you pain.’
‘Perhaps one day, maybe in a year or two, I’ll feel differently. But we also have Jack and Holly to think about.’ I smiled as I pictured their cheeky faces.
‘Spoken like a loving mum,’ Sam said, and my throat tightened with emotion. It had been doing that a lot recently.
‘Shall we go then?’ I asked, casting the small garden one more glance.
‘We’ll be back,’ Sam said.
‘Often,’ I replied, because I knew that with Sam at my side, I could cope with my grief and finally work through it. It would never leave me completely but I wouldn’t have to bury it any longer.
I could finally let go of the what ifs and the guilt and the regret. It was time to live again. To really live and to move on.