“I THINK I ACTUALLY MAY have shit my pants,” Nico said.
“Dude. Put his eyeballs inside your underwear? That is so gross. I could have thought of a lot of places to put a dude’s eyeballs besides inside my underwear.”
We were back on the road, eating Boob cheese and Boob jerky, and sharing the only nonlethal remaining bottle of Boob Juice, which was really good. The GPS estimated we were fifteen minutes away from Nico’s house.
Nico said, “It was the first place besides my pocket I could think of. I didn’t want to put his eyeballs in my pocket, because it didn’t seem insane enough, so, you know . . . my underwear.”
“I just want to say one thing, Nico: Back there at the Boob stand, you said I was insane. Me. Ryan Dean West. But that was the most insane thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I seriously thought you were going to stab that jerk in the eyeball.”
Nico smiled and nodded. “So did I.”
“Well, thanks for not stabbing him in the eye, and also thanks for getting us out of there with no scratches on us or on Seanie’s car.”
“No prob, bro.”
Then Nico did something that really surprised me. Well, not as much as breaking a bottle and digging out eyeballs and sticking them inside his underwear would surprise me, but surprising in any event. He stuck his hand out and we shook. I also swerved the goddamned car again.
“You’re a shitty driver,” he said.
“I got us here, didn’t I?”
“Well, this doesn’t mean I want to be friends, because I don’t. I just thought that was fun shit back there. And great cheese.”
“Whatever.”
Nico Cosentino could be such a jerk. And I decided that when I got back to Pine Mountain, I would start being nicer to Sam Abernathy, and that he was a good friend, which was something I needed. Gross. I was finally admitting to myself that I liked the little grub.
Nico pressed commands into the navigation unit, and Sexy GPS woman asked, “Are you certain you want to cancel my guidance?”
“What are you doing?” I said.
“I live here. I know where we are now,” Nico said.
I felt sad for Sexy GPS woman. I could really use some guidance. We both could.
Then Nico added, “Turn right up there, where that sign is.”
The sign said CAPE KIWANDA STATE NATURAL AREA.
I said, “We’re going to the beach?”
Nico answered, “Yeah. Kind of.”
Damn. It was getting late. I was already feeling anxious and scared about driving all the way back to Pine Mountain by myself and in the dark. I could already sense that icy and empty mood—the certainty that Nate was lurking around, just waiting for me to be alone and thinking about what a loser I was and how terrible Nico Cosentino made me feel about things.
Whatever. Once I got this over with and deposited Nico back at his parents’ home, I’d never have to see or think about him again.
Yeah, right.
We left our shoes and socks at the end of a long trail we followed over dunes of wet grass that ended at the expanse of sand connecting the land to the sea. It was cold, and the wind howled like an animal. We kept our hands deep inside our pockets.
I walked beside Nico right up to the water’s edge, and we both pulled our pant legs up when the first frothy wave spilled over our feet. Then we walked back to the base of a sea cliff and sat down in the sand. We stared out at the waves and the rocks that stuck up above the sea along the cape.
It was an incredible place.
Nico said, “I thought you’d want to see this spot.”
“It’s nice,” I said, shivering. That water stung like needles.
“Well, the place where we stood in the water—after Joey died, we came here. We put his ashes right in that spot and we sat here and watched the tide come in and take him away. I thought you . . . I thought Joey would want me to let you know.”
Oh.
My stomach knotted up.
I pulled my knees into my chest and closed my eyes, imagining what that must have been like for Nico to see his brother—for his parents to watch their boy—disappearing away from them like that, into the ocean.
“I’m really sorry,” I said. “None of this was ever fair. Thank you for bringing me here, Nico.”
“I come here a lot. If you walk down the beach that way a couple miles or so, you’ll get to my house,” Nico said.
I looked south, in the direction Nico pointed. This place was huge and wild and quiet. It was a perfect place to let Joey go.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“Go for it.”
“Well, maybe two things.”
“Ask whatever you want,” Nico said.
“Do you really not like me? Because, I mean, I think we should be friends, Nico. I think we need that.”
Nico shook his head. “It’s not a matter of liking you or not. You’re a good guy, Ryan Dean. It’s just . . . I don’t know.”
“Yeah. I don’t know either,” I said. “Because I thought what you did back there to the Cheese Brothers was fucking awesome. And having a beer together last night, and the stuff we talked about. Friends do that kind of shit together.”
“Joey wants me to tell you to stop fucking cussing, Ryan Dean,” Nico said.
“Yeah. I kind of heard him saying that too. But the other thing—you know, I went back inside O-Hall by myself. It was creepier than anything, and I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. But I found a list of things Joey wanted to do. Did you know Joey made lists, like, every day, of things he had to do?”
“Yeah. He always did that.”
“And the last thing on his list said, in capital letters, ‘TELL RYAN DEAN.’ And I don’t know what it means, or if Joey ever did tell me what he wanted to tell me. And that’s been messing with my head. But I never had the guts to ask you about it, so I figured that since we’re not going to be friends and everything that I’d just ask you if you knew what it meant before I leave.”
Nico looked at me like he couldn’t understand what I was saying. Then he faced the water again and was quiet for a painfully long time before he said, “I know what Joey wanted to tell you. He talked to me about it every time he’d come home. It was that he was totally in love with you, Ryan Dean. And he was too afraid to tell you.”
No.
What?
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and had my eyes gouged out with a broken bottle. Of course Joey loved me. I loved Joey too. We were best friends. But the way Nico said it meant something else entirely.
“No way, dude. Joey had a boyfriend. We were best friends. Nothing could ever change that.”
“No, bro. Joey did not have a boyfriend. It was kind of funny how much he was in love with you. And he was so messed up about it because he always told me how superstraight you are, and how much he liked Annie, too, so he didn’t want to do anything that would make you not be his friend.”
I put my face down in my knees again. Shit. I actually felt something leaking from my eyelids. I also felt kind of rugged because Joey and Nico both thought I was “superstraight.”
Nico went on, “I kept teasing him about it, telling him how could a fly half in rugby be afraid of anything?”
“I’m afraid of a lot of things,” I said. “But I kind of wished Joey would have told me.”
“I wish he would have done that too,” Nico said.