Girl Power? Hook Me Up!

Ah, the teenage years—braces, blemishes, and boys! (And I suppose “bosoms,” too, though I prefer keeping things clean!) I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking they’re years most people want to forget. My adolescence was, er, difficult, you might say. If you asked me what the worst day of my life was, I’d have to say it was one day when I was fifteen, when this bully Wendi snapped my rainbow suspenders against my, uh, bosoms (yeeowch!), someone dumped a fruit cup into my newsboy cap at lunch, I managed to get my perm so badly snagged in the temple piece of my glasses I had to cut it off with my social studies teacher’s scissors, AND the gym teacher forced me to hang off a chinning bar for five whole minutes because he thought I was “faking” the fact I couldn’t manage half a chin-up.

Also, when I came home, my mom was screaming at my dad about some “tramp,” and I saw my older brother Kevin throw his old Pinewood Derby racer at our poor little dog Curlytop for going wee-wee on the carpet in his bedroom. And no one had made dinner, so I ate a popcorn ball left over from trick-or-treating a month earlier and it gave me a huge stomachache.

Then, after I fell asleep, I had that terrible recurring nightmare in which my bedroom crucifix came to life, and the little Jesus crawled down the wall and crept onto my bed and pried my mouth open and tried to force himself into it with his cold tiny brass hands. I always woke up before he succeeded, but that dream messed me up for years and years.

Sounds familiar, huh? Bet you can relate! But things will get better, a lot better, and that’s what I want young, confused girls who happen upon this little book to understand. The pain and hard times don’t last. Not to be a Lesley-Anne Downer, but I don’t understand why some teens tragically decide to end their own lives when they are just a year or two away from co-signing on an apartment lease or buying their very first used car. Or perhaps others would not turn to drugs, or worse, shoot up schools or shopping malls, if they had only realized earlier that they could soon serve on a jury. Oh, and did I mention no more sub-minimum wage? Yep, you’ll be up to $6.55 an hour, just like us mature grown-ups!

Besides, this is the era of girl power. Because of it, today’s girls are incredibly cool and practically invincible! Boy, do I wish I had some of that girl power when I was young. We had Ms. Magazine, but my mom wouldn’t let me read it because she considered feminists sluts. If I had been born just a teeny bit later, not only would I have known that I could do anything a boy could, but I would wear cute clothes like pink high tops and hooded sweatshirts with a repeating kitty or bunny pattern on them. And I’d probably be able to rap.

Anyway, for those tween and teen girls who still haven’t plugged into this fabulous girl power, your big sis Jean has a few choice nuggets of wisdom. Sure, I bet you think you’re too smart to take advice from an old lady, but trust me, this wise owl knows what she’s talking about!

Don’t dye your hair or get your ears pierced. This might sound like a tall order, but trust me on this! It’s soooo important to be yourself. What’s all the rush with looking like an adult, anyway? When I was 15, I was still styling my Barbie head’s hair and playing with my Tree Tots Tree House. Why? Because even then, I knew that the magic of my youth wasn’t going to last, and I wanted to squeeze in as much playtime whimsy as I could. So believe your old pal Jean when she says that adulthood is strictly overrated. Trust me—you’ll have plenty of time for aging, dead-end, no-fun jobs, and quarrels with the hubby. On a related note…

Don’t starve yourself. In fact, you should eat anything and everything while your metabolism can handle it! Believe it or not, once upon a time big sis Jean could eat her whole basket of Easter candy in one sitting and she wouldn’t gain an ounce. Of course, I was nine at the time! Then, a mere year later, all the puberty hormones kicked in and I was constantly exhausted and my chest budded and it seemed to weigh more than half my previous total body weight. I never really recovered from that experience. So go ahead and indulge, girls! There’s plenty of time to fret about weight and eating habits later.

Don’t cut your arms and legs with a razor blade. That’s just gross, and it leaves ugly scars. Never harm your beautiful young body! You’ll get stretch marks in many of these same places later anyway, so just consider those your flesh wounds.

⁶Don’t kill anyone!!! Seriously, don’t do it! If you do, you be forever haunted by your terrible crime. Not only that, if you kill someone you really hate, that person will dominate your life even more, because you’ll forever be vilified for killing them. Their memory will be inescapable, and it’s all the worse for you if they’re celebrated as a martyr. Whew—I’m soooo glad to get this off my chest! I’ve wanted to say it for a long time. If only I had the chance to tell the school shooters this, maybe they would have left their guns at home! Remember, it’s far better to make a friend than an enemy. Or at least a passing acquaintance that doesn’t make fun of you.

When boys call you ugly, they’re actually saying they like you. It took me years to realize this. Some boys might come off like disgusting, worthless brutes, but that’s all really just a disguise. In truth, they’re too shy to admit how beautiful you are and how attracted they are to you! Spare yourself years of unnecessary pain and heartbreak by flashing the little stinkers a smile, and maybe even inviting them to your next birthday party!

Practice kissing your bare hand a lot. Just do this.

Find a super-good place for your unsent love letters to various teen idols. And consider saving up to buy a sturdy lock box for them. Never, ever risk bringing them to school, either. I don’t know if they still make Trapper Keepers, but if they do, I have news for you: In spite of the illusion of security they foster, Trapper Keepers do not trap written admissions of undying devotion to Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon, Jack Wagner, or any of the Coreys. Nor do they keep them from being read over the school PA system on Senior Prank Day!