Sunday Night
KAREN'S HOUSE
It's dark! I sit up in bed and I don't know where I am. I don't even know which way to turn to get out of bed. Then I see light beneath the door and I remember: I am at Karen's and my mother is dead.
The funeral was today. The church was packed. Even the balcony was full. Neither me nor Jenna had ever been in a church. It's kind of weird to have your first time in church be at your mother's funeral. Jenna said Mom was friends with the minister of that church and she wanted Mom's funeral to be there.
I was afraid it was going to be real sad. It was and it wasn't. A lot of people got up and talked about Mom and told stories about her—people from the college, people from the bookstore in town she liked to go to, some politicians, and a couple of people from New York who had something to do with art. My mom was an important person and I didn't even know it. All those people in the church knew my mother and I didn't know who hardly any of them were. I had no idea so many people loved my mom. People seemed happy they had known her and it made me proud that I'm her son. When I grow up I hope people will be happy they know me.
The hard part was having to sit in the front and look at the casket. It was so close to us that I almost could have touched it. It was hard to believe my mother was inside and that I would never be this close to her ever again.
Then all the talking and singing was over and men came and put Mom's casket on their shoulders and walked up the center aisle of the church and me and Jen followed them and everybody was standing and watching and I grabbed Jen's hand and held it tight and she squeezed mine really hard and it hurt but that was okay. They slid Mom's casket into the hearse and we got in the limousine that was parked right behind it, me, Jen, and Gran and Grampy, who was making little noises like a puppy whimpering to be let in the house.
As the hearse began to move away from the church, it was like there were two me's—one was sitting in the limousine dressed in a dark suit, a white shirt, and a black tie, but the real me was off somewhere else and I kept hoping that the real me would come back and I would wake up and tell Mom about the weird dream I'd had about going to her funeral.
There was a police car in front of the hearse and it led us slowly through town. Looking out the window, I could see people stopping to watch as we passed and it was like everybody knew whose funeral it was. Some people made that funny motion with their hand where they touch their forehead, chest, and shoulders. I've seen people on TV shows do it. It has a name but I forget what it is. It looked kind of cool, though. We drove past Sutter's and then the college and then out to South Birchfield and the cemetery near our house.
When we got to the cemetery, it was supposed to be just me, Jenna, Gran, and Grampy, because the minister had made an announcement at church that the family wanted the burial to be private but that we would be receiving people at our house afterward. That was the first me and Jen knew about that. We looked at each other and we didn't even have to say anything. Karen and Miss Albright were sitting behind us, and we both turned around and asked them if they would come to the cemetery with us. So they were there, too, along with Reverend Edwards and the men from the funeral home. It was another sunny day. The sun has been shining bright every day since Mom died.
Some men from the funeral home were waiting at the cemetery and they took Mom's casket out of the hearse and we followed as they carried it up the hill. I think I was doing okay until we got close to the top and I saw the rect angular hole and a big pile of dirt beside it. Jen and I were squeezing each other's hands really hard. Reverend Edwards read some words from a book but I didn't really hear what she said. I just kept looking at Mom's casket and thinking that I was never ever going to see her again, not even if I live to be a hundred.
Then the men picked up the casket. There were some kind of straps over the grave and while two men put the casket on the straps, four men held the straps real tight and when the casket was set on it they started letting it down slowly into the grave. That's when I started crying. Jenna really lost it. And she wasn't emoting. We hugged each other real hard and probably got snot on each other's clothes but that was okay.
When the men pulled the straps up, Gran motioned to us. We managed to stop crying and followed her to the pile of dirt. She told us to take a handful and throw it in the grave. The dirt was cold like snow. The handful I grasped had a rock in it and I put it back. I couldn't throw a rock on Mom. I grabbed another handful and this one didn't have any rocks in it. Jen and I went to the edge of the grave and dropped our dirt in. It made a dull sound when it hit the casket, like a bell trying to ring when it's broken. Then Gran and Grampy dropped their dirt in. Grampy was crying real hard and loud now. Karen and Miss Albright dropped a handful of dirt in. We stood there for a while and nobody said anything. I looked around for Dad. Last night after calling hours were over I overheard Grampy tell Karen that Dad's lawyer had said some guards could bring Dad to the cemetery today if it was all right with the family. Grampy said if Dad came near Mom's grave he'd kill him. That would be all right with me.
Finally, we started walking down the hill, me and Jen, then Karen and Miss Albright, and our grandparents and Reverend Edwards.
I wanted to go home and fall asleep in the studio, but Grandfather Eric had gone back to Pennsylvania to do some stuff so he could move here to stay with me. After Grampy yelled at him about Dad and all, he probably figured it was best if he disappeared until after the funeral. But even if he had been here, I couldn't have gone to the house, because of all the people who'd be there.
When we got back to the roadway where the limousine was parked, Karen's car and Miss Albright's were behind it. Jenna went and got in Karen's car and I went to Miss Albright's. Gran rushed over to Karen and her mouth was moving real fast like she was angry about something, but Karen hugged her and Gran stopped talking and started crying and Karen was whispering in her ear. I don't know what she said but whatever it was, Gran stopped crying after a minute, took some rumpled tissue from her pocketbook and blew her nose, then went and got in the limousine, where Grampy was, and drove away. Miss Albright took me to Karen's.
Karen made hot chocolate from scratch. That's the way Mom always made it. We sat around the kitchen—she has a big round oak table like we do—but none of us felt like talking. And that was okay since none of us knew what to say, anyway. It was just nice sitting there with Karen and Miss Albright and Jenna.
When we were almost done with our chocolate, Miss Albright got up to go. I walked her to the front door, where I gave her a big hug, thanked her, and let her out. When I got back to the kitchen I noticed how pale Jen was looking and I went and sat beside her at the table and held her hand.
"You looked really pretty today," I said.
She smiled then and gave me a little kiss on the cheek. I blushed.
Karen suggested we take a nap and without a word, we headed upstairs. I knew I was tired but I didn't think I'd sleep until night, but the numbers on the clock radio by the bed say it's seven o'clock! I get out of bed and open the door to the hallway so the light will come in. I find my shoes under the bed, put them on, and go downstairs, where I hear Karen's low voice coming from the kitchen.
"Hi!" I greet her and Jen, who are sitting at the table.
Jenna yawns. "Hi, yourself."
"Did you just wake up, too?"
She nods. "About a half hour ago."
"We slept over four hours!" I exclaim.
Jenna giggles. "You want to put a twenty in front of that four?"
"What do you mean? Hey! You mean we slept twenty-four hours? No way!"
Karen smiles. "It's Sunday night."
"No way!" I repeat.
"Karen tricked us. She got something from her doctor and put it in our hot chocolate."
"You both needed the sleep and so did I."
I can't believe I slept so long. I wonder if that's what it's like for Mom now, except she won't wake up. I plop down in a chair next to Jen.
"Why don't I call out for pizza?" Karen suggests.
"Cool!" Jen and I respond together, and break out laughing.
"What do you like on it?"
"Hamburger!" I say.
"Mushrooms and anchovies," says Jen.
"Okay. We'll get two pizzas, well, three, since I like mine with green peppers and onions."
Karen picks up her cell phone, which is on the table, and calls the pizzeria. When she's done, she looks at me and says, "Jenna and I had just started talking about tomorrow. It's a school day, you know."
"Oh."
"I was thinking about that at the funeral yesterday," Jen says. "When it happened, I swore I'd never go back to school, but now I don't mind as much as I thought I would. It's like everything stood still until the funeral, like a freeze-frame in a movie. Now the projector can start rolling again. Going to school will give me something to do. I'm tired of thinking and I'm really tired of feeling."
"I wish people would pretend like nothing ever happened," I put in.
"Fat chance of that," Jenna says.
"I wouldn't worry," Karen says. "After tomorrow that's probably how it'll be."
"So what's going to happen to us?" Jenna asks. "I mean, like, after school is out next year. What's going to happen to us? And the house? What about the house?"
"And all Mom's paintings?" I add.
"Well, your grandparents and I talked," Karen answers. "As you probably know, they think you should go live with them in San Francisco immediately."
"Was Gran mad because we didn't go back to the house after the funeral?" I want to know. "What did you say to her?"
"Just that the two of you were very tired and needed to get some sleep. She understood. She needs to be with people who knew Rachel and hear them talk about her. Es pecially since she and Rachel didn't get along. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other in more than a year."
"I didn't know that," Jen says. "What happened? I mean, why weren't they talking?"
"It was complicated. Rachel and I talked about it, but I'm not sure I really understood. I mean, I was nineteen when my mother died, so it's hard for me to understand when people can't get along with their mothers or their mothers with them. Rachel's death is very hard on your grandmother, especially since it seems like Rachel talked to your grandfather almost every week and your grandmother never knew."
I look at Jen and there are tears in her eyes. I bet she's sorry now that she argued with Mom so much. Everything is real quiet for a minute. It's like we were talking about something but no one remembers. Then I do. "So what's going to happen to us?"
Karen smiles. "Right. I talked with your grandmother on the phone this morning before they left for the airport."
"I don't want to go live with her!" Jenna says emphatically. "I want to stay here!"
"And that's how it's going to be for the remainder of this school year. Then we'll see what's best."
"Is that your way of saying that you don't want me living here next year?" Jenna asks angrily. That's the tone of voice that always sent Mom through the roof, but Karen just smiles.
"Not at all." Her voice is quiet. "If staying here with me is what's best, then that's the way it'll be."
"And who is going to decide what's best?" Jenna wants to know.
"The two of you, your grandparents, and me."
"Well, I'm going to want to stay here!" Jen says in that tone of voice she uses when she doesn't want you to argue with her. "It's like everybody has forgotten about Dad. I mean, I understand and everything, but he's still my dad and we don't really know what happened. You know? I'm sure he has a reason and that he didn't mean to do it."
If she weren't about to start crying, I'd tell her that Fm trying real hard to forget him. I don't want to ever see him again.
"Grandfather Eric went to see him every day before he went back to Pennsylvania," Jenna says. "I—I wanted to go at first, but now, I don't know. I mean, what would I say, you know? Karen, have—have you seen him?"
She nods slowly. "His lawyer called and said he wanted to see me."
"How is he?" Jenna asks.
"He seems very depressed. We didn't talk long. Neither one of us knew what to say."
"Did he say why he did it?"
"No. He didn't say and I didn't ask."
"What did he want?" I ask.
Karen gets up from the table and goes upstairs. When she comes back, she's carrying a white envelope. "He wanted me to give this to you."
She puts the envelope on the table kind of halfway between me and Jenna. It has both our names on it. We look at it but neither one of us moves to open it.
"Do you know what it says?" Jenna asks.
"No. It was sealed when he gave it to me and I didn't ask."
The envelope just sits there, neither one of us knowing what to do about it. Finally, Jenna pushes it across the table to Karen. "Read it to us."
Karen opens it and reads it to herself first, then,
I can certainly understand if you hate me. I hate myself. I know you want to know why, what happened. I wish I knew. I'm sure you must have noticed that Racheil and I had not been getting along for a while. I know you loved your mother very much and I don't want to say anything that would change your opinion of her, but all of this is probably going to come out at the trial So Vd rather you hear it from me than read it in the newspaper or hear it in the hall in school
Your mother was going out with another man. I didn't know until she told me that morning, the morning it happened. She told me she was going to leave and take the two of you with her. I suppose I went crazy. She was very angry. You know how angry Rachel could get. I have never seen her as angry as she was that morning. She left the house and I don't know what happened. I must have blacked out or something because the next thing I remember is sitting on the porch at home, holding a gun to my head, and a lot of police around.
Everybody says I am the one who killed her but I have no recollection of that. I am so sorry.
I would like to see you but not yet. I am too ashamed and I don't think I could bear to see you look at me with hate in your eyes, although I deserve your hatred. Despite everything, don't ever forget that I love the two of you more than anything. You're all I have now.
Take care of yourselves. I would love to hear from you.
All my love,
Dad
"That must be the pizza," Karen says. "One of you guys want to come and help me carry the boxes?"
"I will," I say quickly. Jen's head is down. I'm not sure but I think she's crying.
I go to answer the door while Karen hurries upstairs to get her wallet. The pizza guy is holding three of those big red plastic things inside of which are the boxes of pizzas. He unsnaps them and hands me the pizzas. The bottom one is really hot. I rush back to the kitchen with them.
"Man, these pizzas are hot like they just came out of the oven!" I exclaim, dropping them on the table. Jen doesn't look up. "Hey!" I say gently. "What's the matter?"
She looks up and tears are coming down her face. "It just sucks."
"What?"
"Life! What do you think, stupid? Rachel is dead. Dad's in jail. And we're two pathetic orphans."
"Do you believe what Dad said in his letter?" I ask softly.
"About what?"
"About—about Mom, you know, fooling around?"
"Why would he lie? Dad wouldn't lie to us. Not to me, he wouldn't."
"I don't know. He killed Mom, didn't he?"
"Well, you were always a mama's boy."
"So? You were a daddy's girl!"
Tears are still coming down Jen's face but she's mad now and I don't know why.
"What's going on, you two?" Karen asks as she comes in the kitchen.
Neither one of us says anything. Karen goes to a cabinet and gets plates. I get knives and forks from the silver ware drawer. Karen sets a plate in front of each of us. "Now, who ordered what?"
"I'm not hungry," Jen announces. "I want to write Dad and tell him how much I love him and that I understand and I'll always love him." She glares at me.
"What're you looking at me for?" I say, my voice rising. "You can believe him if you want to. I don't I don't think Mom did what he said. I know she didn't!" I am yelling now.
"And how do you know?" Jen shoots back
"I just do!" We are standing in front of each other. Her face is angry-ugly and probably mine is, too. But I don't care. "And even if she did, he didn't have to kill her," I shout. "Why didn't they just get divorced like everybody else's parents?" I start crying.
"He didn't do it on purpose! He didn't mean to do it!"
"So what? So what, Jenna? She's still dead, isn't she?"
"That's enough," Karen says softly. She steps toward us as if she wants to hug me or Jen or both of us, but I don't want her touching me and I step out of the way.
"I want to go home, Karen. I—I don't want to stay here anymore."
"Go! See if I care!" Jenna spits at me.
"Please, Karen," I whine.
"I'm sorry, Jeremy. You can't."
"But why?" I shout "I want to go to my house!"
"You know no one's there. Your grandfather Eric won't be back for another few days, maybe a week. You can't stay there by yourself. Sit, Jeremy. Have some pizza before it gets cold."
She knows I hate cold pizza. I sit down slowly and open the boxes until I find the one with hamburger. It's still hot as I take a slice dripping with cheese and grease and put it on my plate.
"Coke."
"Coming right up!"
Jenna wipes her eyes. "How can you sit here and stuff your face with pizza after hearing that letter from Dad?"
"I was starting to think you were pretty cool, Jenna, but you're as big a jerk as you always were."
She takes Dad's letter and stomps from the room without saying anything back to me. She must really be mad, because Jenna always gets in the last word.