THE HOUSE
The day after Dad's trial, I told Miss Albright I was going back to my room. Then I walked Sara to her room like I do every morning. She was worried about what was going to happen after school, since I wouldn't be in Miss Albright's room where she always came and got me. I told her I would wait at the door of the school for her.
It's okay being back in my own room. But it's not like it was before. I'm different now. Everything that happened at the trial, what I did and all, was in the papers and on television and the other kids seem like they look up to me now, like I know things they don't. And I do.
I told Mom I had to go to my house today, so I wouldn't be on the school bus and she should be home to meet Sara. She said she knew about the meeting with Mom's lawyer. I wonder how she knew.
It feels funny to call Elaine "Mom," but the other night at supper we had pork chops and they were so good and without thinking I said, "Mom, could I have another one?" Everything kind of stopped and it took me a second to realize what I had said. I started to apologize, but she said it was all right I haven't done it anymore. At least not out loud. It's easier to call Bob "Dad," which I do all the time now.
I go in the studio and look around. I've moved most of my stuff over to Sara's house and practically all that's left is Mom's. I hear a car pull into the driveway and go to the door to see who it is. It's Miss Albright.
I go outside but don't bother to lock the door behind me. "Hi."
"Hi, Jeremy. How're you doing?"
"I'm okay."
She gets out of the car and I take her hand. "Thanks."
"For what?" she wants to know.
"Just thanks," I repeat
"You're welcome."
Grampy and Gran pull in the driveway in their rental car, and behind them, Karen and Jenna. Grandfather Eric's already in the house.
"Well, where shall we sit?" Gran wants to know once everybody's out of the cars. "In the family room in front of the fireplace?"
"What about out on the deck?" Jenna suggests. I know she doesn't like to be inside the house.
So we sit around the picnic table, our grandparents on one side, me, Jenna, Karen and Miss Albright on the other. It's a little crowded, but I'm little for my age so it's all right The only person who's not here yet is Mom's lawyer. Karen's cell phone rings, and when she gets off she says that was Mom's lawyer and she's going to be a half hour or so late.
"That'll give me enough time to say a few things." It's Grandfather Eric. His voice is sad and his body is hunched over. "I know you folks have some decisions to make, and I need to get on back to Pennsylvania. But there're some things I need to say."
He stops and rubs at his eyes, but more like he's tired than like he's about to cry. Then he looks at me and Jenna. "I don't want you to think that your father is an evil man. I'm not saying he didn't do evil things. Killing your mother was an evil thing. Having improper relationships with his clients was an evil thing. But I guess because I know something about why he did all the things he did, it's hard for me to say that he's an evil man. Maybe that's because I think I had something to do with it"
"What're are you talking about, Eric?" Grampy asks. "Surely you aren't saying you're to blame for what he did to Rachel?"
"No. I'm not saying that. But I'm not saying my hands are clean, either." He looks back at me and Jenna like there's something important he wants us to understand. "This business of being a person is complicated and confusing sometimes. I expect you two know something about that after all you've been through. Who you are and what you are is partly because of who your parents, your grandparents, and even the ones before them were, the ones whose names we don't even remember. We humans like to think we are free to choose our lives. Maybe we are. Maybe we aren't. I'm just not sure anymore.
"It wasn't until I heard what Eric said in court that I finally understood. I'm still not sure Eric does, or if he ever will. You would've thought that with both of us being in psychology that we would have talked about her. But we never did. It hurt too much. It still does."
Grandfather Eric wipes his eyes and this time there are tears.
"Jennifer was two years younger than Eric. I can't say who adored her more, me or him. She loved to draw, and when she came into a room, it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. No matter how good you were feeling, you always felt better when Jennifer was around.
"She was eight and Eric was ten when it happened. We were living in Philadelphia then. Our house was surrounded by a wrought-iron fence; our yard was filled with trees. Eric had climbed up into one of the trees, and Jennifer wanted to do everything Eric did. She climbed up after him. He says he told her not to. She kept climbing. He said that she had almost made it up to where he was and reached out her hand for him to take it and she lost her balance. That fence had points on it like spears and she fell onto one of them."
"Oh, my God, no!" Gran exclaims, putting her hand over her mouth. Everybody else gasps. Everybody except me. I think Grandfather Eric is trying to get us to feel sorry for Dad. I'm not going to.
"Eric blamed himself, and I did, too. I cut him out of my life. Dorothy told me I'd live to regret it. I didn't care. He thought he could make it up to me by becoming a psychiatrist like me." He looks at Karen. "That's why I wouldn't give him the money for graduate school and medical school. I didn't want anything to do with him."
"I'd always wondered if something had happened to Eric when he was young. So it was Jennifer he was trying to bring back when he named both his daughters Jenna."
It's Karen. What is she talking about?
Grandfather Eric nods his head.
"Dad had another daughter named Jenna?" I ask.
"My daughter," Karen says simply.
Dad and Karen had a daughter named Jenna? Wow!
Grandfather Eric continues. "I'm sorry he did what he did and then didn't own up to it. Rachel was a lovely girl," he says, looking at Grampy and Gran. "Talented, very bright, and I was always very fond of her. She was especially nice to me when Dorothy died. I'm sorry I've acted the way I have. I thought by getting involved in his defense the way I did that I could make up to him all the ways I'd neglected him. I was wrong for neglecting him and wrong for trying to make it up the way I did."
He looks at me. "I'm sorry for treating you like you were some enemy. You had more sense than I did and you knew your father better than I did. I'm sorry, Jeremy. Jenna, I owe you an apology, too, for trying to pressure you into testifying to make something seem like something it wasn't. I hope the two of you can forgive me and maybe even come see me sometime. If it wouldn't be too painful for you." He turns back to Grampy and Gran. "I'm sorry for what my son did to your daughter and our grandchildren."
He stands up. Grampy gets up and gives him a hug. When he's done, Gran gives him a hug, too. Then he and Karen hug. Jenna looks at me and I look back at her. I know what she's thinking and if she wants to hug him, she can. I'm not. But Jenna doesn't move. Grandfather Eric looks at us like he would hug us if we'd let him, but I pretend like I'm looking at something out in the field. Only when I hear his footsteps do I turn my head and watch him walk across the yard, get in his car, and drive away.
We sit there. Nobody knows what to say. Finally Gran asks, "Would anyone like something cold to drink?"
Everybody answers all at once, like we've just been re-leased from an evil spell, and Karen and Miss Albright go with Gran to help her get the drinks. Just as they're bringing out a tray of sodas, Mom's lawyer arrives and sits down where Grandfather Eric was sitting.
The lawyer chitchats with everybody. I just wish they'd shut up and get on with it. Underneath the table Jenna reaches for my hand, and when I feel it, I reach back and we hold each other's hands real tight.
Finally, the lawyer says, "Well, we're here because there are some big decisions that need to be made. First and foremost is you two," she says to me and Jenna. "We have to look at the options of where you can live, whom you can live with, and the legal ramifications."
"What does legal ramifi—whatever mean?" I want to know.
"The law needs to know who is going to be legally responsible for taking care of you, for seeing that you have a place to live and food to eat, clothes to wear, and that you go to school every day."
"Sara's parents said I could live with them," I say immediately. "I've been living there anyway."
Mom's lawyer nods. "Yes. I know. They came to see me and inquired about what would be involved in adopting you. It seems that when Bob was a boy his parents adopted someone whose parents had died."
"So can he adopt me?" I want to know. I'm so excited I can hardly sit still.
"I think the court would approve if your grandparents do."
I look at them and am surprised to see them smiling.
"We had a long meeting with Bob and Elaine a few days ago," Gran begins. "I suppose I was hoping the two of you would come stay with us in San Francisco, but your grandfather and I had to face facts. We're not young anymore and the two of you need to be with people whose ways are younger. Will you come visit us?"
"We will," I say.
Nobody's said anything about what's going to happen to Jenna. She's squeezing my hand so hard it hurts, and I want to wiggle my fingers a little but I don't want her to think that she should let go. But just then Karen reaches over and touches Jenna's arm and Jenna lets go of my hand.
"Would—would you be my daughter?" Karen asks.
"You mean it?"
"Rachel and I used to talk about if anything happened to her and your father—like if they died in a car accident, airplane crash, or something—that she wanted me to adopt you and Jeremy. You and I have always been close."
"Can I change my name?"
Karen looks at her like she doesn't understand. I sure don't.
"I want my own name. I don't want a dead girl's name. And I don't want Dad's name. Mom wanted to name me Melissa. Can I be Melissa Pierce?"
Jenna is crying softly, and Karen puts her arms around her.
After a minute, Mom's lawyer says, "Well, maybe we should clear up these other matters at another time."
Wiping her eyes, Jenna turns to the lawyer. "No. That's all right. I'm okay. I just want to get it over with, whatever it is."
"Very well. This house."
Jenna and I look at each other and at the same time we say, "Sell it!"
The lawyer says that would have been her advice. She says some other stuff I don't understand about a financial adviser and investments. Then she wants to know what I want to do with Mom's paintings and drawings.
I've been thinking about that and have decided that my grandparents, me, Jenna, Karen, and Miss Albright should each take one or two and then give the rest to the college. Mom's lawyer chuckles and says I can sell them to the college. Awesome!
"Then I guess we're done," the lawyer says.
Jen and I turn and look at each other. She looks really happy. I am, too. I don't feel like a homeless person anymore. But it's never going to be like it was. I'm going to be a big brother all the time now and a little brother only some of the time. But maybe Jenna will come over to my house sometime for dinner and to work on the web page with Dad, and then I can be little brother and big brother all at once.
"Are you really going to change your name?" I ask.
She nods. "It's creepy being named for two dead girls. It's like I was never me to him. There's been this ghost living in our family and we didn't even know it."
"Maybe it was the ghost that killed Mom."
Miss Albright looks like she's getting ready to leave, and I go over to where she's talking to my grandparents, who are thanking her. I take her hand and we go to the studio.
"So. Which one of Mom's paintings do you want?"
She shakes her head. "Jeremy, that's very generous but you don't have to do this."
"I know. I want to. Look around. I have to go do something. I'll be back in a little while."
I go downstairs and pick up my backpack, the one Mom made me. Then I go in the garage and find a garden spade and put it in the pack. As I start across the field, Jen calls to me. "Hey, Jeremy! Where're you going?"
"I'll be back in a few minutes" is all I say.
"You want to go for pizza later with everybody?"
"Sure."
"Don't be long."
"I won't"
This is the first time I've been here since after Christmas. The the headstone looks nice. A few branches of forsythia he in front of the headstone. I wonder who put them there.
I kneel beside the grave, open my backpack, and take out the diary. I wrapped it in plastic and sealed it up with heavy tape. The earth is soft and not much grass is growing on her grave yet. I take out the spade and quickly scoop out a deep hole, put the diary in it, cover it up, and pat the earth down until you can't tell anybody's been digging here.
I sit for a few minutes, kind of like I used to when Mom would be cooking. I never had anything to say then and I don't now, either. I'm glad, though, that I won't have to go away and leave Mom all alone.
I hear a bird. I look up but can't find it Then, off in the distance, I hear the same birdcall. Then the bird near me answers, and a few seconds later the bird in the distance calls back.
Smiling, I get up, brush off my pants, and walk slowly away.