Time to Say Goodbye

 

I wasn’t a stupid bitch. I cashed that ticket in the next day and claimed my prize. I also kept Bear’s ring, too. I didn’t wear it, but I kept it in its box at the bottom of my purse.

I bought everyone I knew lots of nice stuff, though my mom told me she didn’t want an antebellum mansion, thank you very much, as she didn’t even “know what the hell an antebellum mansion” was. She just wanted a condo in Florida, where it was warm in the winter. She got it. My dad loved his houseboat, though, and Quinn squealed with delight when I took her to her new house in Studio City. She was bummed that I wouldn’t be working with her anymore, but she said she understood and this was a good consolation prize.

But then it was time to say goodbye.

With Quinn’s help, I threw a big house party for everyone we knew with all the delicious catered Mexican food and liquor they could hold. Our little house was filled to the brim with about a hundred people and then everyone I invited had invited someone else, so it spilled out into the yard and even to the street. Our old neighbor James, the grey belly, even came and did some jello shots. Cupcake got lots of love from everyone, too. There was a lot of drinking, some smoking and some love making going on. I let them have it. I wanted them to remember me not just as Bear’s girlfriend, but someone who was cool enough to throw a party like this.

Bear didn’t know what he missed out on. The party was quite epic.

All the surfer dudes tried to talk to me about Bear, about how he was killing it in the circuit. Even Nick tired to talk to me and he and I pretty much hated each other. They tried to brag on him, tried to get me back around to his side. I wasn’t having it. I was over it. While I knew I’d brought this on, I also knew he could have waited another hour or so to leave. But maybe it was just my Karma. Regardless, I knew it was over and there wasn’t much I could do about it. I wasn’t going back to playing second fiddle to surfing ever again.

During the middle of the party, I pulled Trent aside and handed him the keys to the house and to the Beast. “Take care of it while he’s gone, okay, Trent?”

“Oh, come on, Willa,” he said. “You’re coming back, aren’t you?”

I shook my head. “I’m not.”

“Bear will be heartbroken,” he said.

“Well, he did a good job of breaking my heart, too,” I told him. “He left me, Trent.”

“I think you’re getting it all wrong,” he said. “He didn’t leave you. He just went out to compete. He’ll be back someday.”

“But I’m leaving,” I said and kissed his cheek and gave him a big hug. “Bye now.”

But where would I go? Bear was hitting the surf circuit, winning again, getting back on top. He never once returned any of my calls and he never called me once himself. He’d told me he wouldn’t. He’d told me he wouldn’t call because he didn’t want to be tempted to come home. I did feel abandoned. Why couldn’t he at least call me and talk to me? What was the deal with that? But whatever. I could do without him.

And I did, nicely. During that time, Jed became a constant companion. The night he called, he’d come straight over and let me cry in his arms, telling me he knew all along what an asshole Bear was. He even helped me with the money, telling me how to set up trusts, how to give to charity, how to buy CDs and things I didn’t even know existed. He told me how to secure my money then told me if I wanted a return on any investment, it might be smart to invest in some blue chips. So, I did.

We weren’t lovers, but it was nice to have him back in my life. I did realize he was helping me through my pain only because he did want me back. He didn’t say this, but I could see it in his eyes. However, I didn’t lead him on; I set him straight from the get-go. We weren’t going to hook up.

But what was I going to do with the rest of my life? I’d bought the things I wanted for the people I loved. I threw an epic party. I bought myself some really nice stuff, too. The money did help ease the pain of heartbreak, but it didn’t totally remedy it.

Of course, I didn’t follow Bear around like some groupie, that’s for sure. I didn’t run after him. I wasn’t that kind of girl. I never ran after guys. I always figured if they wanted me, they could do the running. But I wasn’t waiting on Bear to run after me. I was going to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted.

But what would I do? Where would I go? I wasn’t going to live in our old house anymore. I had outgrown that house years ago. However, with all the money I had, I could go anywhere. But where did I want to go?

At first I thought about buying a brownstone in a cool neighborhood in Brooklyn but soon realized I didn’t really like cold weather and didn’t know if I was hip enough to pull it off. Then I thought about going to Miami, but it was so crowed, I decided against that. I thought about London and Paris and Amsterdam, all the usual suspect of cool cities I’d always wanted to visit or even live in but nothing really grabbed my attention. Now that I had the money to do whatever I wanted to do, I couldn’t make up my mind. There were too many choices. Too many variables.

But then… Then I came up with a place I knew would make me happy and it would make me happy because it was, indeed, paradise. I bought a spectacular beachside house in Lanikai Beach. Yes, I went to Hawaii, of all places, the place Bear wanted to move to the most. Maybe I picked it because I thought he and I might cross paths sometime. Of course, whenever I’d think this, I’d imagine myself completely ignoring him, which was probably what I should have done the day I met him and changed my own damned tire.

My new house was beautiful and everything I had ever wanted. It was a multimillion dollar stunner with its own private beach. It was so beautiful it didn’t even look real. The place was a two-story ultra modern home and looked like it belonged in a magazine. The grounds were lush and somewhat overgrown, making it look like it had just been erected in a jungle. The pool was long and warm, thanks to the heater and hot weather. The whole back of the house had floor to ceiling accordion doors that opened all the way to let in the glorious view of the blue green ocean, just steps from the property. It was already furnished with good, high end stuff but I added some artwork to the walls and a few well placed knickknacks. It was a glorious place and it was all mine. I didn’t have to share it with anyone.

Jed came along to help me buy the place, telling me I was crazy to buy a house in Hawaii, so far away from LA. But I was ready for a change. I needed to get away and take some time for myself. So, after I bought my house, I bought a new Jeep to drive around the island in. And that’s what I did, with Jed by my side. We went everywhere and saw such beauty it just took my breath away. Bear had been right about Hawaii. It was Shangri La.

Okay, if I’m being perfectly honest, Bear never left my mind and I did miss him terribly. But, somehow, I knew we’d both made a big mistake by taking a separation. And that’s technically what we were doing.

After I moved into my house in Hawaii, Quinn called and begged me to call Bear. I had to give it to her. She was a die-hard romantic. “Come on and call him,” she said.

“I have called him,” I said. “I called him the day he left. I called him the day I picked up the lottery winnings. I called him the day after that. I called him again the week after that. I left voicemails and I texted him and nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. He can go fuck himself. I won’t call again.”

“He did what you wanted him to do, you know.”

“I never expected him to follow through with it,” I said, on the verge of getting angry at her. “It’s like we win all this money and that’s the exact moment he finally decides to do something I want him to do.”

“Yeah,” she said, considering. “I can kind of see your point.”

“Besides, he could call me,” I muttered.

“I guess he’s got his reasons,” she replied. “Just call him, Willa, and get this over with.”

But I just couldn’t do it. Something inside of me told me to move on. I wanted to share the winnings with him, of course, but he wasn’t around for me to do this. And that’s what pissed me off. It’s like he suddenly did everything right: He made promises about growing up, made me a gourmet dinner—or at least got one of his friends to—gave me a beautiful ring and then he bailed! And then, he wouldn’t return my calls! How many times was I supposed to call him and beg him to call me? How long did I have to wait for him to call back? It was ridiculous! What woman wouldn’t be pissed off a little?

After about two weeks in Hawaii, Jed told me he had to get back to LA. He had a new movie that was going to start shooting in a month or so.

“You’re leaving?” I asked.

He nodded. “Willa, I have to work. I live to work. You know that. I can’t stay around here all the time.”

I sighed and stared at the TV from my place on the big, oversized sectional couch in the family room. God, this was so nice. I flipped the channel and coverage of the Pipe Masters came up. I had forgotten about that. They were talking about how the surfers were qualifying now. And suddenly Bear was on the TV talking, laughing, answering questions in his very confident way. He looked so good I almost wanted to jump up, run over to the beach and grab him.

Jed saw me staring at him and gave Bear a look of disdain. “Oh, look who it is. The asshole who fucked everything up.”

I stared at him. “I thought you two made up.”

“Who said that?” he asked. “He just came over to my house and we talked. That’s all. I still fucking hate him.”

I remembered the postscript on Bear’s letter to me, telling me he still hated Jed. I guess they hadn’t made up, not really.

“I need to start packing,” Jed said.

I stared at the TV, then glanced at him. “You know, it might be fun to go over there.”

“To that surf contest?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Why don’t we go?”

“Hell no!”

“Come with me,” I pleaded. “Before you go, come with me over there.”

“No,” he said. “I’m not into that shit. You know that. And you’re just going to see Bear.”

“Why else would I be going?” I asked. “Please?”

He sat down beside me and said, “We’re never going to be together again, are we, Willa?”

I shook my head. “I already told you no. We’re just friends.”

He nodded. “It’s all because of Bear. We could have been great if you had never met him. Don’t go over there, Willa. Come back to LA with me. Let’s make a life. We can do it; we could have done it all along.”

I felt really bad for him. We’d made out some, but never had sex since we’d started hanging around together again. I knew the poor man had blue balls the size of… Well, something very large. Oranges, maybe? Avocados? But I never led him on nor did I tease him. I set him straight from day one. He had no reason to be upset with me.

“The night I called you,” he said. “I just wanted to ask you if there was any chance of us ever getting back together because, you know, Bear, had come over to my house the day before and I thought you two had broken up.”

I nodded that I understood what he was saying.

“I didn’t know that jerk had left you. I don’t know your history together, either, but I know you, Willa. I know that young woman who I fell in love with and that woman is not someone who pines over any man. That woman moved on. She was really self-sufficient and tough. But look at what you’re doing now. You’re putting your life on hold for him!”

I felt like crying. I said, “I don’t want you to go.”

“Then give me a reason to stay,” he said. “I want to give it to you, everything you want, but you don’t want to take it. You talk about having kids and I’m here! I’m right here but you don’t want me.”

I felt tears stream down my cheeks. Why had I involved him in all of this? I never should have answered his call that night. But I was hurting and wanting to hurt Bear. And I knew if I got involved with him, it will kill Bear.

“Do you know how good looking and smart our kids would be?” he asked. “Do you know how good we’d be together? We have so much in common, and not just because we grew up together, either. You’re better than this, Willa. You are so much better than Bear!”

I couldn’t stand for him to talk about Bear like that. But I couldn’t tell him off about it, either. He’d been my rock, guiding me through all of this, letting me lean on him. He was right. I had to make a decision and move on. I could go with him and I’d become the wife of a very prominent and respected movie director. Or I could stay and be the girlfriend of a surfer, the one who waited on the sand for her man.

I turned to him and said, “Can you go with me to Pipe Masters or not? Let’s go and see him dominate that competition. I have to say goodbye to him, okay? I have to. It’s time I said goodbye. Once I have that closure, I can move on and then we’ll go back to LA. Together.”

He smiled. “Really? You mean it?”

I nodded. “I really do,” I said.

“Want me to book your ticket?” he asked.

“No, I will,” I said. “Let’s go.”

 

* * * * *

 

I must say that I’d never seen such a mass of humans on a beach before. I was asshole-to-elbow with I don’t know how many people. I knew I would never find Bear in this throng. Jed told me he was going to see when Bear was going to compete and that he’d be right back. He got lost in the crowd and I stood around looking like a dumbass for at least thirty minutes. It was so hot and crowded, I was about to leave when I spotted Bear. He was walking towards a tent set up for the surfers and then he turned and we locked eyes. And then my whole world turned upside down.

He looked beyond beautiful. His head was still shaved short and his body was even leaner and tanner than I remembered. He wore a pair of red board shorts that made his ass look divine. His feet were bare but he had on a black short-sleeved surf shirt that hugged his muscular chest. He was, quite literally, the hottest man on earth.

I looked down at my outfit of bohemian peasant top and cut-off jean shorts and flip-flops. I was a multi-millionaire and I kinda looked like a beach bum. But, hey, I liked wearing this stuff. I suddenly wished I’d dressed a little better, a little sexier. Then I remembered Bear loved it when I dressed like this, told me I looked so sexy and that all he thought about was what was under my clothes. I guess I’d picked this outfit for him. Subconsciously, of course.

I looked away first and knew I had to leave. I couldn’t see him. What had I been thinking? I’d never go back to LA with Jed once he got his paws on me! I turned to leave and started off the beach, but then I felt Bear grab my elbow and halt me.

“I heard somebody won the lottery,” he said.

“I heard someone forgot how to use the phone,” I snapped back.

He shook his head at me. “Sorry, but I couldn’t call. If I did, I’d quit again. I couldn’t let myself have an out.”

Oh, it was nice that he was rubbing this in my face, wasn’t it? Surfing came first, even after you win millions and millions of dollars in the lottery. Then I realized that money didn’t change everything, at least not where Bear was concerned. What was a few million compared to the perfect swell?

“I thought you might have caught up with me somewhere else,” he said. “But here’s cool, too.”

“And is my presence going to make you want to quit?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said. “I’m already qualified for the finals. The heat’s about to start here soon.”

“Well, don’t drown,” I said. “But do break a leg.”

“Why are you talking to me like that?” he asked, looking really exasperated.

“Are you serious?” I asked. “You ran out on me! And you never called me back!”

“You did the same thing to me!” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “Willa, I am coming home to you!”

“And then what?” I asked.

“Then we’ll do what we do best,” he said and gave me a look.

“You’re not a boxer,” I said. “You don’t have to not have sex to do well in a competition.”

“Listen,” he said and leaned in closer. “I’m older now. I have to concentrate. There are some young fuckers who are giving me a run for my money. I had to make myself do this and I can’t have an excuse to quit. I got comfortable with my life and it would be too easy to go back to it. It’s now or never.”

“Maybe it’s never.”

He just stared at me like he couldn’t believe I had said that.

“Let me ask you this,” I said. “What part of us winning the lottery did you not understand?”

He sighed heavily and looked around, then nodded at someone he knew before turning back to me. “I was very happy for us. But I was already committed. I couldn’t back out.”

“You could have,” I said. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Let me rephrase that,” he said. “I wouldn’t let myself back out.”

“I don’t care,” I said. “You could have called me.”

“And then I would have not competed,” he said. “Sorry. You talked me into this, you know? You’re the one who got all this started.”

“I never expected you to do it,” I hissed. “But don’t fool yourself. You’re not doing this for me. You’re doing this for you.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “When my friend called, I knew I wanted it back.”

“And so you sacrificed me for it?”

“You won a lot of money on the lottery,” he said. “You made out pretty well. And you would have never played if I hadn’t asked you to.”

I thought about it. He was right. And if I hadn’t left him that week, I would have never screwed the numbers up, either. And, so, here we were at yet another impasse.

“I wanted to share it with you!” I exclaimed. “I was going to let you have it all, too! I just wanted to make sure you didn’t blow it all! What an idiot I am! I came home and you were gone! Gone! And then I called you and called you and you never picked up!”

“I’m sorry but I have my reasons for doing this right now,” he said. “But I thought you might catch up with me, you know, to show me that you supported me.”

I just looked at him. Yeah, his words made me feel a little sad, a little like I should have done better. Then I thought of something. “How would I even know where you were if you never answered your phone?”

He seemed to think about that, then dropped his head. “Shit, I never thought about that,” he said, then looked up at me. “But it’s cool. You’re here now.”

“I’m here to tell you we’re done,” I said. “I need this closure, Bear.”

His mouth dropped. “You can’t do that to me! I’m getting ready to go out there! You can’t come in here and drop a bomb like that on me right now!”

“Well, I just did,” I said. “Sorry, but I didn’t know how to contact you otherwise. Remember, you don’t answer your phone anymore!”

“Willa, stop this,” he said, coming in close to me. “You know and I know we’re not through. We never will be.”

“Well, whatever,” I said. “I’m giving you half the money. I got it set up in a trust for you. You can do whatever you want to with it. Maybe you can set up a surf school for monkeys or something.”

As soon as the idea registered with him, he laughed. “That sounds so cool.” He stared at me, still smiling. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“That’s why you called me every night,” I said, on the verge of tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “But it’s not like that, okay? But we’re cool, okay? I’m cool and you’re cool. We’re cool.”

He gave me a look which just infuriated me. He was cool with everything. Well, so what? I wasn’t, no matter what he said. But there was no need to argue. “You know what? Forget it! You will never change. That’s okay. I’m going back to LA.”

“To do what?”

“Nothing,” I said. “What have you been doing?”

“Nothing,” he said.

Just then two pretty young women in cute polka dot bikinis walked by us and one of them said, “Hey, Bear!” and then they giggled and walked on by.

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

He hadn’t even given them a second glance. “What? No! I’m not a cheater!”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he glanced over and saw Jed jogging towards us. When Bear saw him, he almost growled like a… Well, like a bear.

“Don’t,” I said.

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” he asked.

“We’re not together,” I said. “But we’re going to be.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked. “This is the finals!”

“It’s not my fault you don’t return calls,” I said. “I had to do this sometime, Bear! I have to move on. I’m not waiting on you anymore. But, you know, I’m sorry I came. I really, really am.” I felt my eyes tear up. “But you look good, Bear. Keep up the hard work.”

Just then the announcer said, “Up next, Bear Aurelius Dillon!” and the crowd began to chant, “Don’t poke the Bear! Don’t poke the Bear!”

“Go claim your glory, Bear,” I said and turned to leave.

Jed stopped at us just then. Bear looked like he wanted to go nuclear on him, but he couldn’t. He, once again, had to choose between me and surfing. And surfing won. He turned towards the ocean.

“It’s not fair what you’re doing, Willa,” Bear said over his shoulder.

“Since when is life fair?” I asked and started to walk away.

“Aren’t you going to stay and watch me!” he yelled, exasperated.

“No!” I yelled back and kept walking.

“Well, watch it on your phone later ’cause I know you will!” he yelled.

The announcer said, “Oh, looks like Bear is having a little lady trouble! Will this affect his performance?”

And then the crowd booed. I groaned. I was always, always left holding the bag. Now I was potentially affecting Bear’s performance. Like I cared!

I kept walking. I had to get off this beach! As I walked, Jed tried to put his arm around me, but I jerked away.

“Don’t poke the Bear!” rang in my ears all the way back to my Jeep. Well, I guess I’d never get to poke him ever again. But that would have to be okay.

When we got back to the house, Jed began to pack his clothes in the guest bedroom. I sat on the bed and watched him. When I didn’t follow his lead, he said, “I figured as much. You’re not coming with me, are you?”

I shook my head. “I once told Bear he’d ruined me on men. And he has.” I turned and stared at him. Jed was such a good man any woman would kill to have him. But it was true; Bear had ruined me on men. I’d never even looked at another since the moment I laid eyes on him. And I never wanted to.

“Well, you’re right about that, Willa,” he said. “He has ruined you.”

“Well, I won’t let him ruin you, too. Go back, Jed, and forget about me. I’m never going to be good for anyone else.”

He stared at me and sighed. “You know, Willa, what you want is right there in front of you and you can’t see it. And it’s all because of Bear. He clouds your judgment.”

“I didn’t say I was staying here,” I said and stood. “I should never have bought this house.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m moving back home,” I said all of a sudden, as it just came to me what to do with my life. Suddenly everything was crystal clear.

“To Tennessee?” he asked, flabbergasted, as if that were the worst idea he’d ever heard.

I nodded. “I am. I’m not suited for this fancy lifestyle. I’m a country girl. You know that. I know that. I need to get back to my roots.”

“What are you going to do there?”

“Maybe I’ll buy a farm and get a few horses and some chickens or whatever,” I said. “I don’t know. But all this kind of stuff isn’t me. It never was.” And then I realized that’s why I loved Bear so much. He was never into showy stuff, never cared about any of it. He and I were a lot alike, we had a lot of commonalities and I just couldn’t see it until now. That’s why we’d gotten along so well, mainly because both of us were very down-to-earth. And, maybe, just maybe, trying to be all pretentious had made me miserable. I realized I’d been so untrue to myself.

“You’re just saying that,” Jed said. “You won’t really go.”

I got my phone and started booking a ticket online. He rolled his eyes and kept packing. I’d fly into LAX and then onto Nashville, then a smaller plane to Knoxville and then I’d rent a car and then I’d drive home. It seemed simple enough. I showed him my receipt once I was done.

“Whatever,” he said.

“I leave tomorrow at twelve noon,” I said. “What time does your flight leave?”

“I have to be there at eight tonight,” he said.

“I’ll drive you, Jed,” I said.

“I’d appreciate that, Willa,” he replied.

So, I took him to airport and dropped him off. Our goodbye was just that, a goodbye. We’d see each other again, maybe even in Tennessee. Once I was done, I went back to the house and started to pack my bags. I checked the clock. It was getting late and I had a lot of stuff I needed to do.

I looked at all the new stuff in my closet, all the stuff I’d bought since I was rich. It was too much and I knew I couldn’t take all of it. I’d done the whole shopping spree thing and bought a lot of cool stuff, most of which wouldn’t fit into my suitcase, most of which I never even wore. I sighed and knew I’d have to pack this crap up in boxes and ship them to my mom’s house while I looked for a place to buy back home.

I worked on into the night, running around the house, getting things sorted out. There was so much to do it made my head spin. And I’d have to call a security company to watch over the house while I was gone and while I figured out what to do with it. Ugh! Why didn’t I just rent a place? That’s what Jed had told me to do. “You’re crazy to buy this house,” he’d said. “It’s too much hassle!”

I hadn’t listened though. I had been stupid. And now I was going to have to go to a lot of trouble to unload this thing. I had no idea how long it would take to sell.

I shuddered at the thought and kept on moving, getting things done. As I packed, I kept yawning and yawning. I had been up since early that morning and I was so tired. I glanced at the clock. It would probably be okay if I lay down for a few minutes.

I threw my suitcase and clothes to the floor and climbed into my big bed. As I closed my eyes, I thought about going home and smiled. It was the right decision. I knew it was.

Before I knew it, I was fast asleep. It seemed like just a few minutes later when I was awakened by a loud crack of thunder. I sat up and looked around, my heart in my throat. I was really rattled. I looked at the clock. Had I been asleep that long? Oh, fuck! I had to get moving.

I jumped up and started packing, then I thought I heard another noise. I froze and listened, but didn’t hear it again. I went back to packing and then I heard it again, this noise like someone was moving around or something. I looked outside. It was still dark and the wind was blowing really heavily. I knew the rain was coming soon and just then a crack of thunder erupted over the house, making me hunch down in fear.

Then I heard the noise again. There was something going on. I suddenly felt scared being there all alone. I straightened up and left my bedroom, walking down the hallway to the stairs. “Hello?” I called, thinking for some reason it might have been Jed coming back for something or another. “Hello?”

I descended the stairs cautiously, as if I thought a snake or something might be on one of the risers and bite me. When I got to the bottom, I looked around then the lights flickered. Then I heard the rain start; it was pouring like it was coming out of buckets just outside the windows.

“Hello?” I called again, feeling like a fool. “Is someone there?” No answer. This made me miss Bear so badly. Whenever I’d hear a noise, I’d wake him and he’d get up and look around then come back to bed, telling me to stop bothering him, that it was only the wind or whatever. He always made me feel so safe.

All of a sudden, lightning struck the house and it shook, literally, shook the light fixtures. I was more than rattled and was about to run back upstairs when the lights suddenly went out. Everything in the house shut down with a dull hum. It was pitch black.

Then I heard another noise, as if someone was bumping into things and knocking them over. I looked over my shoulder and something moved across the family room. I turned in a panic to see a figure in the darkened room. It had to be a burglar! I knew it was a man because of the height and shape of the figure. Whatever it was, it was coming for me. I screamed and raced off towards the kitchen, then my foot caught in the foyer rug and I fell against the hall table and blacked out.