Ulla stirred slowly, woken by the warmth and the sunlight bursting through a crack between the drapes. She tried to turn over but could no longer sleep. Her head felt heavy, as though it were larger than usual. I didn’t have that much to drink last night, she thought and squinted in irritation. Why didn’t I close the drapes properly? She stretched and conceded that she had had too many drinks. She slowly closed her eyes while instinctively reaching out to wake Kaare. Her fingers did not connect with his body. Drowsily, she rolled over and stretched her hand again for his warm chest. But her hand only felt bedsheets. Her eyes snapped open.
Kaare’s bedside was utterly untouched, meaning he hadn’t come home. Confused, Ulla checked the alarm clock. It showed 9.35 a.m. Ulla’s brain was not yet in gear, and she checked her wristwatch on the bedside table: 9.36 a.m. He should have been home hours ago. Immediately, she was wide awake, thoughts cartwheeling. She tried to dispel the fog of sleep and sat up with a jerk. That didn’t help the headache, which then announced its arrival in earnest. Was he at a morning bar, or had he found another bed? She drew a deep breath to steady her thoughts, but to no avail. Their relationship had been challenging of late. She had wanted to be more than just his girlfriend; she wanted to get married and have children while they were still young. On the other hand, Kaare 134had been happy with things the way they were, and only having Afghanistan on the horizon had changed his mind. Probably because many of the other Jaegers had decided to get the paperwork as they prepared for deployment to Afghanistan, Kaare had agreed that they should marry, but it did not end up being the traditional church wedding she had dreamt of. The time had passed quickly and Kaare had been snowed under with preparations and reconnaissance in countries bordering Afghanistan. She had accepted that a ceremony at city hall was the sensible thing to do. But then he could have relented on the issue of children. However, Kaare kept kicking the issue into the long grass, arguing it should wait a couple of years. ‘It will fit better with work, now that the Jaeger Corps is deployed internationally,’ he had argued. She had found this difficult to accept while he was away and she stayed home. She felt alone and without a family.
Looking back at the month leading up to his deployment, she realised that she had punished him by never being in the mood for sex. That had made him furious, and their relationship had become something approaching a trench war. And as with most trench wars, the result had been a stalemate. She had hoped it would be possible to start over when he returned from Afghanistan. They had, by then, been apart for many months. She had stopped taking her pill when he left and had not started again once he was back. She knew that not telling him was perhaps a little sneaky. She would come clean and tell him. It just had to be at the right time.
But things kept on getting in the way, since he’d returned. It was only now, when he was on leave, that he had the opportunity to discuss it. Afghanistan had changed him considerably, and she 135was sure he would come round to accepting her needs. Their relationship demanded to be given the chance to flourish. If it wasn’t already too late. She was not afraid that he would cheat on her. But she just had this knot in her stomach. Something was not right.
Ulla suddenly felt a flood of nausea, threw off the duvet and tried to repress the urge to vomit as she jumped out of bed. Determined, she marched into the living room, but there were no signs that Kaare had been home since yesterday. At that moment, it was as if the entire room started spinning. She grabbed hold of the dining table, briefly closing her eyes; she took a couple of deep breaths and slowly regained control. There must be an explanation. She tried to make her brain work rationally and get control of her thoughts. Think, think, goddammit!
Kaare’s uniform was draped over a chair – as he had left it upon returning from the press conference. She began emptying its pockets. She tossed his MP3 player on the table and turned to the other pockets. The agenda from the press meeting in Vedbæk, ATM receipts, an old train ticket and a box of matches. The trivia piled up on the table. Finally, she found Kaare’s small pocketbook and started feverishly flipping through pages as she crossed the room to the cordless telephone and dialled a number.
‘Hi, Marianne; is Mads back yet? At 3 a.m., all right. Is he still asleep? I’m sorry to call like this, but I think something’s wrong. Kaare hasn’t returned home yet. It just isn’t like him. Of course. I’ll try one of the others,’ she stammered, trying to hide the fear, but her voice cracked as she hung up.
The nausea flash flooded her again. She continued fighting the urge to vomit and strode into the kitchen, forcing two large glasses of cold tap water down. She then dialled a new number. And 136another. The answer was the same at every turn: all the other team members were home. For a moment, her anxiety got the better of her. I know something isn’t right! The sickness swelled up inside her, and she could hardly breathe. She couldn’t contain it this time – she bolted to the bathroom and dropped onto her knees as it came gushing out of her. She had forgotten how horrible it was to throw up. Her stomach cramped to expel the last stomach acid. It felt like doing sit-ups at the gym. When the cramps subsided, she had to lean against the cold tiled wall to catch her breath.
Exhausted, she got up and brushed her teeth to eliminate the awful taste in her mouth. The pregnancy test she had bought yesterday lay on the sink next to the toothpaste. That’ll have to wait till later, she thought with irritation, as the cold water slowly nudged her thoughts back on track. I’ve got to do something. The police have to know. She rushed to get dressed. The blouse was on inside out. Fuck! She pulled it off hurriedly, turning it back the right way as she grabbed a Diet Coke in the kitchen and donned her windbreaker and sneakers in the corridor. Her body was in gear now, and she quickly tied her laces and left.
Her mountain bike was parked on the street, and, light-footed, she mounted it and pedalled down Absalonsgade and further along Saxogade. The nausea was now completely forgotten, and as she passed Vesterbro and headed down Prinsensgade, she felt tears trickle down her cheeks. It was not the speed that pushed the tears from her eyes. Ulla, by now, knew that something was terribly wrong; her queasiness had been replaced by a tight knot in her stomach. She turned left along Jyllandsgade and stood up to pedal faster, allowing the tears to flow freely.
At the police station, she was met by an ageing officer who 137returned her wavering, embarrassed look with a rock-solid stare as she caught her breath and wiped the tears from her face.
‘And what can I do for you?’ he asked, in a tone that was both stern and encouraging. He put aside the newspaper in front of him.
Ulla stumbled over her words and had to restart three times in order to pull together a reasonably cohesive account of the night at Mrs Jensen’s, concluding with the fact that Kaare was the only one who had not come home.
‘You did the right thing in coming here. Try not to worry. We’ve dealt with situations like this many times. Do you have a picture of him? I’ve seen the one in the paper, but we need one of him without a uniform to distribute amongst our colleagues.’
While Ulla searched her wallet frantically for a picture of Kaare, the police constable began filling out a form. His ballpoint pen ran out of ink halfway through, and his composure cracked for a second as he rummaged underneath the counter for a replacement. Ulla did not notice his irritation. She was simply relieved to be talking to someone who appeared interested, and the clenching in her stomach gave way to a feeling of determination.
‘Thank you. It isn’t like him to just stay away. I’ve called his workplace, and they don’t know where he is either,’ Ulla said.
And there is certainly no reason to give him irrelevant details – that our relationship has been a little tense, or that I had a bout of morning sickness. She grabbed the counter to stop herself from toppling.
‘Try to relax. It’s not the first time someone has drunk too much and collapsed at the end of the night. And if anyone deserves to let their hair down, it’s him. Afghanistan and all that. Aalborg is not a city without its temptations, but I’m sure you have nothing to fear 138on that score. You have a steady relationship. We’ll do everything we can, of course.’
‘He would have called if he had just gone somewhere else,’ Ulla sniffed as the tears welled up in her eyes.
‘You might as well go home, and then we’ll handle it. Kaare may be home by now.’
Ulla shot him a grateful stare and left the police station with a spring in her step, although the feeling of something being awfully wrong followed her out. She refused to panic. Kaare wouldn’t want that. She would keep her cool. It’s the only way to help him, she thought as she jumped on her mountain bike. ‘What really separates the men from the boys is the ability to keep your cool and keep going, even when it’s cold, raining, and your empty stomach is eating away at you. Everyone can complete selection if they have the will, but only a few can maintain that will long enough to pass.’ Kaare’s words about the Jaeger Corps were a beacon to her. It was now her turn to prove that she was made of!