What you learn here, you’re not gonna find in any other cookbook in the world. There’s the right way to do things, the wrong way to do things, and the Ghetto Gourmet way to do things. Here, we only give a damn about the last one. Whether I’m teachin’ you how to wash your Shaka-Zulu hands or telling you what the internal temperature of your chicken should be, these rules will keep you from looking like a jackass when you’re trying to show your lady friend your kitchen skills. Think of these as the ten commandments of kitchen pimpery.
I am the master of kitchen pimpery, who shall bring you forth, out of the land of fast food, out of the evil colonel’s house of chicken. I am the alpha and the omega-3 fatty acids. Through me, thou shalt find the light in the refrigerator and be saved from the blight of bland food. All you must do is follow these, the Ten Cool-mandments.
If you desire a well-rounded culinary education, go to chef’s school. There is only one man qualified to teach true ghetto gourmet. So turn off those repeats of Hell’s Kitchen because this is your guide on the stairway to food heaven.
Since the Last Supper, important events have taken place around the dinner table. There’s no reason why your kitchen should be any less special. So keep your kitchen clean and your counters spotless, and always make sure it’s an inviting place for your family, friends, or even disciples. Shaka-Zulu!
Personally, I don’t step into my kitchen without my flamingo shirt, pimpron, chef’s hat, and bling’d-out shades. Now, I don’t expect ya’ll to get as fancy as I do just to make a meatball sandwich, but I do expect you to be presentable. Don’t be coming in here wearing a bathrobe with a pair of Crocs. Put on that pimpron and present yourself with as much care as you’ll present your food.
I share my knowledge with you so that it may be used. I give you the keys to the culinary kingdom and I expect you to open the gates wide and allow all to partake in your glorious revelations.
Cook romantic, unplanned meals for your spouse. What happens in Babylon stays in Babylon. But what happens in the kitchen may end up in the bedroom.
Cook healthy, fun meals for your kids. Start teaching them while they’re young. It’s never too early to start your kitchen pimp training.
In these trying times, it’s important to remember how lucky we are to be able to be kitchen pimps. A big part of that is remembering to never waste food. So even if you mess up one of my recipes and it don’t taste that great, eat it anyway and try again tomorrow.
This is an easy one. Wash your hands BEFORE you touch anything you’re about to eat. Wash your hands AFTER you’ve touched raw poultry, meat, or seafood. As a matter of fact, wash your hands, your utensils, your plates, and your surfaces as often as you can.
Every kitchen pimp knows you taste food with your eyes before you taste it with your taste buds. If it don’t look good, I don’t want it. If you didn’t take the time to make it look good, then you probably broke the sixth Cool-mandment too, and forgot to wash your Shaka-Zulu hands, motherfucker!
Remember: Look good? Smell good? Taste good? Is good!!!
Coolio doesn’t play around. I’ve got a bevy of sauce girls who are my kitchen assistants, providing everything from spices to sexiness. Now, whether you got proper sauce girls like I do or just a friend or family member helping out in the kitchen, it is your responsibility to make sure they also follow the Cool-mandments. Remember, it only takes one bad apple to ruin the batch.
Go ahead and shop wherever you want. Whether everything in your kitchen is organic or from the bargain bin at FoodMaxx, if you put enough care and time into your dishes, you’ll be eating like the king of Dubai. Anybody can make a great steak with a piece of Kobe beef but it takes a master kitchen pimp to make a masterpiece out of nothing. Mark my words: seventy-six recipes from now, and you’ll be doing just that.
Coolio’s got passion. I got love for every single carrot I select, every piece of chicken I slice, and every can of beer I crack. Cooking and having a good time mix better than oil and vinegar.
This ain’t your momma’s kitchen. Feel free to play some music loud. Hell, have a beer, have a bottle of wine, have a fifth of Hennessy for all I care. Just make sure you’re having a good-ass time.