Jarez Sez: “There’s so many types of steaks out there, it’s mind-boggling. You can search online for a detailed dia-go-rama of all the bovine’s parts.”
You don’t want to eat red meat every day, but when you do, it better be so tender you can cut it with a fork. From steaks to burgers to brisket to roasts, I can help you make a piece of select steak taste like Aberdeen Angus. You don’t need a thirty-dollar rib eye. You don’t need Kobe or Wagyu or none of that shit. All you need is some Ghetto Gourmet flavor, a couple of dime bags of seasoning, and the skills I’ll teach you in this chapter.
In the wintertime, growing up, we didn’t always have money to keep the furnace on 24/7. So when it’s cold outside, you better know how to make a meal that will heat you up from the inside without breaking your bank. It’s Stew Beefy is so hearty, it’s like wearing a damn sweater under your skin.
How long it takes: 20 for prep, a little over an hour to finish
How much it makes: you and 3 friends can share
What you need:
1 pound steak of your choice
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
½ cup chopped onion
2 tablespoons chopped garlic
1 large potato, peeled and chopped
2 or 3 heads of broccoli, chopped
2 or 3 carrots, peeled and chopped
½ cup beer or water
What to do with it:
1. Now is the time to preheat your oven. Get it all heated up to 375 degrees Fahrenheit before you even do anything else.
2. Take that steak you’ve selected and toss it into a large roasting pan.
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Jarez Sez: “There’s so many types of steaks out there, it’s mind-boggling. You can search online for a detailed dia-go-rama of all the bovine’s parts.” |
3. Season to taste with peenches from your dime bag of salt and dime bag of pepper.
4. Toss in your chopped onion, garlic, potato, broccoli, and carrots. Season those up with some salt and pepper too.
5. Follow that with your beer or water.
6. Cover that pan, toss it into your preheated oven, and let it chill out in there for 60 to 70 minutes.
7. Always let your meat sit for a few minutes to let them juices redistribulate.
8. Serve it like it’s hot.
I remember when I created this recipe. I had just moved into a new place and had unpacked all of my kitchen stuff except for my damn utensils! I had everything I needed to make a great meal, but I was gonna have to eat it with a plastic spork. So I thought to myself, How can you make a steak so tender you can cut it with a fork? You might ask yourself the same question. Now you don’t have to. Check this out.
How long it takes: 15 to prep, a little under an hour to finish
How much it makes: enough for 2 people to get forked up
What you need:
Two 12-oz steaks, just some regular-ass steer
¼ cup minced garlic
1 dime bag seasoned salt
1 dime bag pepper
¼ cup balsamic vinegar
1 medium white onion, chopped
One 12-oz can beer (no watery lite beer)
6 white mushrooms
2 bell peppers (any two colors), seeded and sliced
What to do with it:
1. Take the steaks and place in a 2-quart baking dish. This is a good time also to get your oven all preheated to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Take half of your minced garlic and rub it in. Yeah! Just rub it in.
3. Open your dime bag of seasoned salt and liberally—yes, liberally—spread over your steer.
4. Take about half a dime bag of pepper and sprinkle it over your cow.
5. Flip your bovine and repeat steps 3 and 4. Are you paying attention? You better be!
6. Drizzle ¼ cup balsamic vinegar over your cattle. Work it, but don’t get any of it on your nice shirt.
7. Toss in some of that chopped onion. You don’t like onion? Then don’t use it!
8. Pour a quarter can of beer over your bull. Pound the rest. Shaka-Zulu!
9. Take your mushrooms and hit up each corner, then put 2 on the sides.
10. Decorate your dish with your assorted bell peppers. Get it all colorful, mixing up the different bell peppers, because it’s all about presentation, baby!
11. Cover your baking dish with its lid, put it into your oven, and cook for 45 minutes to 1 hour. If you can’t cut it with your fork, it ain’t done.
You got a problem with a casserole? You’re probably just thinkin’ about your momma’s casserole. Well, let me tell you this with some certainty: “This ain’t your momma’s casserole!” This is a perfect blend of textures and flavors. From first bite to last, this is gonna change how you feel about casseroles. Next time you go over to mom’s house, maybe you’ll say, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll cook.” She’ll be so surprised, her damn wig will fly off.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, another hour and 10 minutes to finish
How much it makes: 8 to 10 people can try this beef
What you need:
Olive oil
2 pounds ground beef
1 medium white onion, chopped
1-pound bag wide egg noodles, cooked and drained
One 8-oz bag shredded light Cheddar cheese
One 10¾-oz can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 10¾-oz can condensed cream of mushroom soup
½ cup milk
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
What to do with it:
1. Not all of my recipes need to be 10 or 15 steps long. This one’s as easy as can be, so easy that I’m going to list this bad boy in 5 steps—including this step, which just tells you how many steps it’ll take.
2. Toss a few tablespoons of olive oil into a hot skillet. Follow that right up with your ground beef. Use a wooden spoon to break it up and mix it around until it all turns nice and brown. While this is going, preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Take your browned ground beef and throw it into a large bowl with your chopped onion, egg noodles, shredded cheese, and the creamy goodness that is chicken soup and mushroom soup.
4. Pour in your milk, then salt and pepper to taste.
5. Spread all that up into a deep 9 × 13-inch baking dish and cover it on up. Toss into the oven and cook for 1 hour. Now it’s ready to eat!
You can’t call yourself a ghetto gourmet unless you have hamburgers firmly under your control. By the time you’re as good as me, you can just snap your fingers and a burger will appear on your plate. Until then, here’s a simple hamburger recipe that’ll make you ditch the clown, dethrone the king, and cut the pigtails off of that silly red-headed girl.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 10 more to cook
How much it makes: 2 or 3 big burgers or 4 to 6 medium-size ones, if you split ’em up differently
What you need:
1 pound ground beef
2 teaspoons minced garlic
½ medium white onion, finely chopped
1 dime bag seasoned salt
1 dime bag black pepper
Hamburger buns
What to do with it:
1. Take a medium-size bowl and mix your ground beef with your garlic and onion.
2. Pour in your seasoned salt and black pepper (to taste), then get your hands all messy and knead it like it’s going out of style. That’s right, spend some time with your ingredients and give them a shiatsu massage!
3. Roll your meat into 2 or 3 big balls, ’cause that’s how the ladies like ’em, then flatten them into patties.
4. Cook in a large skillet on medium heat for 10 minutes, or until dark brown with no pink in the middle. Make sure to flip that bitch 2 or 3 times to get it nice and evenly browned.
5. Serve these delicacies with hamburger buns and your typical condiments: ketchup, mustard, relish, and whatever else you like.
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Jarez Sez: “My doctor sez it’s always good for your health to substitute white buns with whole wheat buns. Personally, I prefer black buns, but they’ll do.” |
Let me tell you, I’ve been in love a few times in my life, but I never seemed to find a love that would last forever. But steak has always been there for me. In good times and bad times, I always knew that I could depend on a delicious meal. So if your lady went off with another man or your dog went to Heaven, try out this dish. It’ll put love right back into your life.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, about an hour to finish it up
How much it makes: 2 to 3 people can get their hearts broken by this dish
What you need:
8 to 12 ounces steak of your choice
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
2 tablespoon chopped garlic
½ medium white onion, chopped
One 15-oz can tomato sauce
½ cup beer or water
What to do with it:
1. Take a large roasting pan and lay your steak gently inside.
2. Lovingly lather your steak in salt and pepper to taste. Mmmmm, baby, Coolio’s going to get you all worked up.
3. Let your meat get all naked and comfortable with your garlic, onion, and tomato sauce like it’s the swinging ’60s.
4. Now take your beer or water, and sensually bathe your steak like an Egyptian princess.
5. Cover the pan and place it in the oven at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for just about 1 hour.
6. Serve it hot and steamy, with the candles lit, the lights low, and Steal Hear bumping softly in the background.
I may be a forty-six-year-old man, but I got abs like a Mississippi washboard. Hugh Hefner may be the first true playboy, but if it got down to boxing, I’d put him down like Julia Child. That’s why I, like the Hef-man himself, like ’em young—so they can keep up with me. If it’s wrinkled, I don’t need it. That’s what inspired this recipe: flat iron steak for the flat iron stomach I like on a woman.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 25 to cook up
How much it makes: 4 people can get it all smoothed out
What you need:
1 tablespoon minced garlic
¼ medium white onion, chopped
2 to 3 tablespoons olive oil
1½ pounds flat iron steak
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 dime bag seasoned salt
1 cup barbecue sauce
What to do with it:
1. First get your oven preheated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Sauté your garlic and onion in olive oil for 2 to 3 minutes in a large skillet over medium heat.
3. Toss the steak in and season on both sides to taste with your dime bags of salt, pepper, and seasoned salt.
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Jarez Sez: “This is one of those times when it’s a good idea to trim the fat off the meat. This will help keep your belly from wrinkling too.” |
4. Fry that meat for 5 to 7 minutes on each side, getting it nice and evenly browned.
5. Now do a Greg Louganis from your skillet into a roasting pan and douse it with your barbecue sauce. Using a plastic spoon, rub it all over the place like a well-oiled Playboy Bunny.
6. Cook in your preheated oven for about 10 minutes.
7. If you’re like Coolio, you’ll have a few saucy ladies around the house to serve up this delicious meal. If not, then just grab yourself a fork and eat up.
Los Angeles has the best damn Mexican food on this side of the border. You can’t walk two blocks between Compton and Calabasas without coming across some kickin’ tacos al carbon. I couldn’t possibly let you get all the way through your training without teaching you some of the tricks I picked up along the way. You won’t need to run for the border. The border is about to come runnin’ for you! Taco-Zulu!
How long it takes: 10 for prep, 15 to cook up
How much it makes: 3 to 5 of your homies can get in on this flavorful fiesta
What you need:
1 pound lean ground beef
1 medium white onion, diced
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 dime bag seasoned salt
1 dime bag pepper
A few peenches of taco seasoning
1 tablespoon olive oil
Ten 6-inch corn tortillas
½ cup grated Cheddar cheese
1 head iceberg lettuce, shredded
1 small tomato, chopped
1. Kick your stove up to a medium heat and lay a large skillet on top. Brown your ground beef along with your onion, garlic, seasoned salt, and pepper, letting it all coagulate together.
2. Sprinkle in some taco seasoning and get it all in there.
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Jarez Sez: “If you don’t have taco seasoning or want a different flavor, try replacing that with ½ teaspoon ground cumin and ½ teaspoon chili powder. Tacolicious!” |
3. In a separate skillet, heat the olive oil on low heat for 2 to 3 minutes. Toss in your tortillas one at a time, and give ’em each a little bit of heat on both sides. As they crisp up, gently fold them in half to give them that usual taco look.
4. Place your freshly fried tortillas on a stack of paper towels and let them cool down.
5. Shove 2 to 3 tablespoons of your meat into the taco shell and then add the cheese, shredded lettuce, and tomato. Now serve it up hot and fast like a Roach Coach. You’re gonna wow them with the flava.
I first made this dish the night I did a show on the South Side of Chi-town. I was hungry after the show and was getting sick of airline and restaurant food. Muddy Waters was playin’ on the radio, and I just let the music flow through me and right into my oven. Muddy Waters gave us the Chicago Blues, but this recipe is guaranteed to do the opposite.
How long it takes: 5 to prep, about an hour to finish up
How much it makes: 2 or 3 hungry people won’t feel blue after finishing this
What you need:
8 to 12 ounces steak of your choice
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
½ medium white onion, chopped
2 to 3 tablespoons chopped garlic
Two 10.5-oz cans brown gravy sauce
What to do with it:
1. First, dim the lights and get your oven preheated to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Place your steaks in a large roasting pan and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste.
3. Add your onion, garlic and gravy sauce so it looks all muddy.
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Jarez Sez: “Hence the name!” |
4. Cover the pan and place in the oven for 60 to 70 minutes.
5. Turn up some Muddy Waters, serve yourself from Muddy Waters, and eat this delectable dish up.
This dish ain’t just called Karate Meat because it’s got an Asian kick to it. It’s called Karate Meat because it will beat you up like a pigeon in prison. This is straight up Blasian cuisine—all the delicacy of Asian cooking with all the attitude and flavor of Coolio’s very own kitchen. Perfect this dish and you’ll see yourself turning from Ralph Macchio into Mr. Miyagi.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 35 to cook up
How much it makes: 2 karate kids can kick it with this
What you need:
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons minced garlic
½ medium white onion, chopped
8 to 12 ounces steak of your choice, chopped in quarter-sized pieces
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
3 tablespoons chili powder
½ teaspoon Chinese five-spice powder
½ cup water
Cooked white or brown rice
Hoisin sauce (optional)
Sriracha!!! (optional)
1. Like all good Coolio dishes, pour the olive oil, garlic, and onion into a large skillet over medium heat.
2. Once the garlic and onion are sautéed, add in your steak and sprinkle in your salt and pepper to taste.
3. Now flick in your chili powder like a Ninja throwing stars. Follow that up with Chinese five-spice powder.
4. Pour in the ½ cup water and cover it with a lid.
5. Stir occasionally while cooking for 25 to 30 minutes, then serve it up over rice.
6. Grab yourself some chopsticks, dress in your finest karate gi, and prepare to eat some badass Blasian cuisine.
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Jarez Sez: “If you’re looking for a spicy dip for this, I recommend mixing up some hoisin sauce with just a little bit of Sriracha hot sauce. Mmm mmm.” |
I’m gonna warn you right now. If you sit down in front of the TV and start eatin’ my Popcorn Steak, you will literally finish every last bite before the commercial break. You better make a lot of it or your dining room is gonna look like rats fighting over that last piece of cheese. This is one of those dishes that disappears before the table even gets set.
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 10 to cook, but this one needs 15 to marinate in between
How much it makes: enough for 2 to 4 people
What you need:
8 to 12 ounces steak of your choice, chopped in quarter-sized pieces
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
½ cup beer or water
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 dime bag seasoned salt
4 to 5 cups all-purpose flour
½ cup peanut or vegetable oil
What to do with it:
1. Take a large mixing bowl and toss together the steak, balsamic vinegar, beer, and salt, pepper, and seasoned salt to taste. Let that all sit together for about 15 minutes. You need to let your flavors coagulate, motherfucker! When that’s done, drain it.
2. In another large mixing bowl, pour the flour.
3. Juggle in the chunks of steak and roll, baby, roll, until all your steak pieces are fully covered.
4. Dump the floured steak in a strainer to remove excess flour.
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Jarez Sez: “Don’t forget the Sixth Cool-mandment: Always wash your hands after touching any raw meat!” |
5. Heat up all your oil in a large skillet until it’s at a good proper frying temperature, about 350 degrees Fahrenheit. You’re about to make your chunks of steak jump through a ring of fire.
6. Fry up them tasty bits for 5 to 7 minutes, until the steak has a nice, crispy brown coat. Stir, so the steak doesn’t clump together.
7. Drain the steak on a paper towel.
8. Go to Ruth’s Chris and show ’em what good steak looks like.
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Jarez Sez: “If you want a dipping sauce for this, try mixing up your favorite steak sauce with just a bit of soy sauce. Soy-ka-Zulu!” |
I smuggled this recipe across the border. This is one of Central America’s national secrets. Straight up, this recipe was harder to get ahold of than a dirty bomb, and the explosion of flavor is even more powerful. This dish is on the motherfuckin’ terrorist watch list. You cannot take this dish on a plane! Don’t tell nobody where you got this.
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 25 to cook up
How much it makes: 3 or 4 people can get fattened up by this dish
What you need:
2 tablespoons minced garlic
1 large onion, julienned—that means cut into thin strips, bitches
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound lean steak, julienned
½ cup fresh lime juice
1 dime bag seasoned salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 green bell pepper, julienned
1 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro
Six 12-inch flour tortillas
Hot sauce (optional)
Sour cream (optional)
1. Grab that big skillet and sauté the garlic and onion for 3 minutes in olive oil.
2. Place those steak strips into the skillet. I’m telling ya this: Don’t just drop that steak in there ’cause you don’t want all that hot oil splashing back at you.
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Jarez Sez: “Ay, caramba! That shit will be hot enough to use as a weapon of mass destruction!” |
3. Get the juices flowing with that lime juice.
4. Seasoned salt and pepper that motha’ to your own personal taste.
5. Stir in your greens. No, not those special greens. I’m talkin’ about the bell pepper and cilantro.
6. Let all them delicious ingredients coagulate for 15 to 20 minutes on medium heat, mixing it up occasionally.
7. Pass out the sombreros and machetes.
8. Serve Steak Fatricia hot, on top of warm flour tortillas.
9. A splash of hot sauce and a dollop of sour cream if that’s your thang. ¡Delicioso!
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Jarez Sez: “If you wanna make this healthier, you could use whole wheat tortillas and even fat-free sour cream. Fatricia it up, but keep yourself skinny!” |
Now that you’ve been cookin’ for a little while, I expect you all to have properly trained your spouse, your friends, and especially your kids (and your neighbor’s kids). But sometimes I feel like a kid myself and wanna eat some food that reminds me of not having to pay any goddamn bills!
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 40 to get it all ready to eat
How much it makes: 8 to 10 people can be pimpified by this dish
What you need:
2 cups uncooked elbow macaroni
2 tablespoons minced garlic
2 tablespoons dried onion flakes
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 pounds lean ground beef
One 12-oz can kidney beans
One 15-oz can tomato paste
One 10¾-oz can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
What to do with it:
1. Follow the damn directions on the macaroni box and get those elbows all cooked up and drained and ready to join the party. This is a good time to preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. In a large skillet, sauté the garlic and onion flakes for 3 minutes in the olive oil.
3. Add the beef and cook it up until the meat is no longer pink.
4. Drain that nasty grease. That’s the shit that’ll clog your arteries.
5. Get the beans, tomato paste, and condensed soup involved in the mix.
6. Salt and pepper that whole thing to your own personal taste.
7. Climb up to the top ropes and drop the flying elbow (macaroni) into the mixture.
8. Mix all the elements up like a punch-drunk fighter’s brain.
9. Take that shit and situate it into a large baking dish.
10. Cover the dish and deposit it in the preheated oven for 20 minutes.
11. Slide it out of the oven and sprinkle it with the cheese.
12. Slide it back inside, uncovered, for 5 minutes longer, or until the cheese is melted.
13. Gather all your hungry relatives and serve it up.
It doesn’t get that cold in Compton. I always liked chili, but I never really “needed” it until I got stuck in a snowstorm in Moscow. I had just done a show and was hungrier than a model in Paris and colder than Ted Williams’s frozen head. My hotel suite had a full kitchen and a couple of cans of beans. This shit’s so hot, it could’ve ended the Cold War on its own.
How long it takes: 10 to prep it, an hour and a quarter to get it all done
How much it makes: 4 to 6 of your friends can get heated up
What you need:
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 pound ground beef
Three 15-oz cans black beans
One 28-oz can crushed tomatoes
1½ tablespoons chili powder
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
What to do with it:
1. In a large pot, sauté the garlic and onion for 3 minutes in olive oil.
2. Add the ground beef and brown it all up.
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Jarez Sez: “Ground turkey would also work for this recipe. It’s healthier too!” |
3. Mix in them beans, tomatoes, chili powder, and balsamic vinegar.
4. Salt and pepper that motha’ to your own personal taste.
5. Reduce the heat to low, cover, and let it all get nice and coagulated for a full hour. Don’t forget to stir it a few times.
6. Break out the soup bowls and serve with some thick-cut bread. Oh, hell, yeah! That’ll keep you warmer than a furry Russian hat.
Once in a while, when I’m in the kitchen, I have an epiphany. You know what that is? That’s like a religious experience where the skies open up to you and a bright light tells you something you need to know. I’ve been blessed in my life to know some of the people I’ve known, and I’m pretty sure this recipe came straight from one of my homies who ain’t no longer with us.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, an hour and 15 to get it fight ready
How much it makes: between 4 and 6 people can get ready for a food fight
What you need:
3 pounds beef short ribs
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 medium white onion, chopped
1 cup beer or water
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 cup barbecue sauce
1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Place those short ribs in a large roasting pan.
3. Toss in the garlic, onion, beer (or water for all you friends of Bill), and balsamic vinegar.
4. Empty your dime bags of salt and pepper into the mix.
5. Throw a lid on that concoction and slide it into the oven like it’s about to be incinerated.
6. Cook for 45 to 50 minutes
7. Pull out the pan and slop on the barbecue sauce. Get that all over the meat. Make it look like a horror movie.
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Jarez Sez: “Light and low-sodium barbecue sauces can help bring down some of the calories here. If you stay healthy, you’ll have more time on earth to prepare before you have to box with God.” |
8. Re-cover the pan and place it back in the crematorium for 20 to 25 minutes.
9. Even the most agnostic guests will think they died and went to Heaven. That’s when God’s gonna sucker punch them and make them born again—at least until they’re done eatin’.