Jarez Sez: “To check to see if your pie is done, simply shank it with your shiv. If it comes out clean, it’s done.”
Imagine this scenario: You’ve got a beautiful lady back at your place. She’s already nibbled on your Soul Roll and feasted on your drumstick, but you’re still not completely sure she’s spending the night. What do you do? You whip up some famous Coolio fruitbreads or a pimpcake. With one bite, you know she’s going to be looking forward to your breakfast burrito.
I been talkin’ about myself a lot, but let me just tell you a little something about my A.C.P. Jarez. He is a man who makes the ladies swoon. I’ll tell you this, bitches fall over like bowling pins when he makes it rain peanut butter cookies. These cookies are like little nutty aphrodisiacs. Trust me, make these for your lady or make ’em for a dozen ladies. You’ll be fighting to keep your pants on.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 15 to 20 to bake, bake, bake
How much it makes: about 100 cookies
What you need:
1 cup peanut butter (I’d recommend all-natural if you can find it)
1 cup brown sugar
1 large egg
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
What to do with it:
1. Get your crazy-ass oven preheated to a hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Combine all the ingredients into a large motherfuckin’ mixing bowl.
3. Get about a teaspoonful of dough and drop it like it’s hot onto a greased-up cookie sheet.
4. Bake these all up for 15 to 20 minutes. When you take ’em out, let them chill, serve them up, and impress the ladies.
When I was growin’ up, Christmas dinner was all about the sweet potato pie. As I got older, I decided I wanted to have less dinner and more dessert. I was motherfuckin’ tired of pumpkin pie and bread pudding. I thought to myself, How can I make something I like for dinner into a delicious dessert?
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 2 hours to get ready, and then at least 10 more minutes to cool off. This ish is HOT!
How much it makes: you can spread your pie around between 8 to 10 people
What you need:
One 1-pound sweet potato
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
½ cup granulated sugar
½ cup brown sugar
½ cup chocolate milk
2 eggs
1 dime bag ground nutmeg
1 dime bag ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
One 9-inch pie crust, unbaked
1. Boil your sweet potato whole for 40 to 50 minutes, or until done. Don’t undress its sexy sweetness, so make sure to keep it in its skin.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Run cold water over the sweet potato, then slowly and seductively remove the skin.
4. Now, break apart the sweet potato into a bowl. Knead it slowly, gently, like you’re making love to this hot potato.
5. Add the butter and mix well with a hand mixer.
6. Stir in both sugars, the chocolate milk, eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla extract. Beat on medium speed until the mixture is smooth.
7. Once you’ve beaten that mixture into submission, pour it into your unbaked pie crust.
8. Bake for 55 to 60 minutes.
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Jarez Sez: “To check to see if your pie is done, simply shank it with your shiv. If it comes out clean, it’s done.” |
9. Make sure you don’t get too excited and serve your pie too soon. Let it chill out for 10 minutes, then serve it up.
You might think that muffins are for women, but you listen to me, motherfucker, muffins are for everybody! I ain’t never walked into a studio holding a tray of muffins and not had everybody grab one. From a hardcore rapper to a hardened criminal (like Martha Stewart), everybody needs a muffin, either in the morning or at night. This muffin’ll treat you right.
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 30 to bake, bake, bake, 10 to cool
How much it makes: 12 muffins
What you need:
A few drops olive oil
½ stick unsalted butter, softened
½ cup milk
1 large egg
1¾ cups all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
¾ cup sugar
1 cup chopped strawberries
1 banana, thinly sliced
A regular old muffin tin
1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Use a few drops of olive oil to grease up a muffin tin.
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Jarez Sez: “You can also use those little paper liners in your muffin tin, but I’ve seen people eat the muffin without removin’ the liner, so I just suggest you leave that shit out and go with olive oil.” |
3. Combine the butter, milk, and egg in a small bowl and beat it lightly.
4. In a larger bowl, pour your flour, salt, baking powder, and sugar and gently mix it.
5. Toss in the chopped strawberries and sliced banana, then stir to coat with the flour mixture.
6. Pour in your milk mixture and stir it all up together.
7. Fill up the muffin cups with your batter, then place in the oven and bake for 25 to 30 minutes.
8. Let them cool down for 10 minutes, then remove from the pan and serve these bad boys up.
I remember the first time I made this. I had just started tryin’ to find a home for my cooking show, and I was having a meeting with some TV executives in my house. I was gonna make them dinner and let ’em know that I wasn’t fucking around. But when they arrived, I was lookin’ over my menu and I realized I hadn’t planned anything for dessert. So I tucked my head into the refrigerator and pulled out everything I could find. It ended up being delicious. After a few more tries, I perfected it, and it goes a little something like this.
How long it takes: 5 to prep, 10 to make
How much it makes: a good meal capper for 4 to 6 hungry people
What you need:
4 tablespoons olive oil
½ cup blueberries
½ cup chopped strawberries
½ cup apples, peeled and chopped
½ cup chopped raspberries
½ cup peach syrup
3 tablespoons dark brown sugar
1 loaf white or whole wheat sandwich bread
Confectioners’ sugar (optional)
Vanilla ice cream (optional)
1. In a large skillet, get 2 tablespoons olive oil all hot and bothered over medium heat.
2. Pour your blueberries, strawberries, apple, raspberries, and peach syrup into the skillet. Sprinkle in your brown sugar like it’s a nuclear winter and cook for 5 to 7 minutes.
3. In separate skillet, heat the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil on medium heat. Grab a few slices of bread and toast them up until they’re golden brown.
4. Mash the bread down real thin and pour 2 to 3 spoonfuls of the fruit mix on top. Plate it up and serve.
5. If you’re feeling really creative, sprinkle with some confectioners’ sugar and scoop a lump of vanilla ice cream on the side.
Now, I ain’t really a pastry chef, but you can’t call yourself a kitchen pimp until you know how to make yourself some banana bread. This tastes so fresh and so delicious that you’ll think it grew directly out of the tree and into a pan. Try it out, and if you don’t like it, you probably didn’t do it right. Try it again, bitch!
How long it takes: 10 to prep, 1 hour to bake, definitely 10 minutes to cool the fuck down
How much it makes: 1 delicious loaf
What you need:
½ stick unsalted butter, softened
¼ cup honey
1 cup sugar
1 large egg
3 ripe bananas, mashed
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
8 × 4-inch loaf pan
What to do with it:
1. Preheat your oven to a hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Lightly grease an 8 × 4-inch loaf pan with just a little tiny bit of your butter.
3. In a large bowl, blend together your butter, honey, and sugar until it’s nice and creamy.
4. Beat in the egg and mashed bananas like you’re punishing your children after they messed up the damn rug again.
5. Mix in your flour, baking soda, and salt nice and slow until everything is all coagulated.
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Jarez Sez: “Believe it or not, if you were to throw in about ¼ cup applesauce, or even pureed zucchini or butternut squash, you’d add a bunch of nutrients without fucking up the flavor.” |
6. Pour into your loaf pan and bake in the oven for 1 hour.
7. Remove from the oven and let it sit for 10 minutes, then serve.