Share your heart as deeply as you can reach
Balance
noun. 1. an even distribution of weight enabling someoneor something to remain upright and steady. 2. stability ofone's mind or feelings. 3. a condition in which differentelements are equal or in the correct proportions. 4. anapparatus for weighing. 5. a counteracting weight or force.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
—Ogden Nash
life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses; life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
—mar
As a teenager, balance struck me as meaning “the elements are in equal proportions.” As I have grown up, I have come to see balance more in the context of elements being in “correct proportions.” I become amused when I see or hear advertisements that talk about a “balanced life.” As if there is a recipe for that. And thinking of recipes … rarely do all ingredients in a recipe's instruction come in equal distribution. There will at times be a lot more of one ingredient than the other. But that doesn't make the thing you are creating unbalanced. It just means the ingredients are in the appropriate proportion.
As I consider this metaphor for balance, I like to think of all the ingredients found in a typical kitchen. Not all elements will be used at all times, and certainly not in equal measure. But taken as a whole, the ingredients in the kitchen create the opportunity for balance. For they are available for immediate use when needed. And perhaps, in a period of time, the bulk of ingredients will have been used in equal measure—or, at least, appropriate measure. One wouldn't really want to use equal amounts of saffron to paprika, or cardamom to cayenne. Balance comes in knowing the correctness of the proportion.
My husband's doctor delivered the results of his cholesterol test with serious concern. My husband wanted to try and correct the “imbalance” nutritionally before choosing a medication approach. We went through the kitchen together, holding all of our kitchen ingredients up to the light of healthy cholesterol levels. We made a lot of changes that day.
Months have passed since that day, and now, writing of balance in regard to kitchen ingredients prompted a visit to our shelves. Boy, was I surprised—the correct proportions had taken a significant dive! I laughed right out loud, and I smiled that I had the opportunity to boldly step into balance today. I recycled what I could. Prepared to pass along what I could to folks in our community perhaps less concerned about cholesterol levels than we. Certainly we must consider the impact of the weight of a counterbalance. Any gymnast will tell you that balance on a beam isn't about rigidity but fluidity and flexibility. Ah. Balance.
I hear many people talk about their longing for a balanced life. What I think they are really expressing is a desire for a life with less pressure. A life with fewer demands pressing their noses against the windowpane of their day. But when does that happen? It happens for me when I make it happen. When I invite it to happen with my intentional actions and my guided perspective.
• tool kit •
Think of the fourth definition of balance: an apparatus for weighing. Look at the components and elements of your day, week … any activity … and weigh them. Weigh them in the context of your mission. Your passion. Your priorities. That's how you see if they are in balance with the whole of your life. Or not. Most certainly, balance in appropriate measure can happen any time. All the time.
If balance isn't about perfect equilibrium, then how do you measure balance in your life? If balance is about appropriate proportions, then how do you determine when things are out of balance?
Rotarians have what they call their “Four-Way Test.” It consists of four questions by which they encourage their members to assess their thoughts, words, and actions and make balanced decisions. They are:
- Is it the TRUTH?
- Is it FAIR to all concerned?
- Will it build GOODWILL and better friendships?
- Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?
Create your own set of questions to test the balance of your life.
Family
noun. 1. a group living together in a household. 2. a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage. 3. a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty.
There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained.
—Winston Churchill
fate makes us family. choice makes us friends.
there are two lines
i fill out with your name:
nearest relative and
person to call in case of emergency.
that i was born to this circle—i am blessed.
that i choose to stand in this circle—i am proud.
—mar
As my father began to confront the realities of his impending Alzheimer's disease, he asked me to dispose of the bulk of his belongings. I did so in the manner in which he instructed me. My oldest brother took aggressive exception to this. These two had been estranged, and yet there were possessions that had value to my brother. Angry and full of a childhood of unresolved issues, my brother phoned me. He was threatening and expected quite a bit of resistance from me. He received none. I asked him to list the items that were most important to him. He did. I told him I'd call him back in two days. I did. I tracked down the two items to which he had attached importance. I redeemed them from their new homes.
We arranged the time for him to pick them up. My father offered only a little objection. It went easier for him as I explained that this was really to make life easier for me.
My coworker Elizabeth helped me see this relationship with my brother in an entirely new way. Elizabeth pointed out that a lot of people accept their family by default. She explained that her family ties were made stronger because she had actively chosen each one of them. She did not merely accept the dictates of blood but recognized that family went beyond blood. That explanation changed the way I saw family.
The day my brother came to claim his items, we took the chance to speak some calm words to each other. It was healing for both of us. As my brother readied for his long drive home, he thanked me for making “this thing” possible. I told him I wanted the last thing I did with him to be a positive experience.
And then I said, “Let's face it, neither one of us would choose each other's company if we were strangers. So now we can be free from trying to choose each other just because we are related by blood.” We both understood that this was good-bye. It was the last time I saw my brother. A few years later, he too left the planet due to illness.
My family consists of many people who are of my bloodline. There are more people in my family circle with whom I share a line of value and intention. And they are every bit my family. I create traditions with them and would do anything for them. My family continues to grow.
Family shows up in your life at entirely unexpected times. And family doesn't always look like you. Family can have different skin color and speak with an accent different from your own. But you recognize a family member because they can tease you mercilessly and you don't take it personally. You can appear in your worst clothes and family will tell you you look great— and you believe them.
Dr. Lenis Whalen has been practicing chiropractic medicine in Florida for over twenty years. I've observed, over time, that he expands his family by allowing his friends into his “tribe.” This is what he has to say about family:
When people ask me who are my best friends, my answer is easy
I grew up with them.
They are my brothers and sisters.
The term is family.
As I age the more I realize
not only how fortunate I was to grow up in this tribe
but how fortunate to have the parents I did. …
they guided us with the lessons that they learned.
To honor them we are continuing that legacy.
• tool kit •
what is our family?
look below us: our history is the foundation beneath us.
what is our family?
we look across the table and see the hands of friends holding us firmly.
what is our family?
we consider our livelihood and know these structures provide security and makes us stronger and smarter.
what is our family?
we hear the laughter and know our children will teach us more than we will ever teach them.
what is our family?
we touch our full hearts and see ourselves reflected whole in each other's eyes.
Do you choose your family? Do you consider members of your family as friends? Are there people whom you consider family who are not related to you by blood? Have you experienced estrangement from family, and could you build a bridge if you wanted to? Conversely, is there someone from whom you should step away? Have there been people in your life who have fulfilled family-like roles? Have you acknowledged them as family? How do you define family, and how do you remember and honor them?