Chapter 12

Mary’s powers were by no means fitted for such a display; her voice was weak, and her manner affected.

— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Volume I, Chapter Eighteen

I stepped gingerly into first-period English, my gaze aimed straight ahead, my feet moving by memory more than willpower. After a quick shower, I’d thrown on one of the new outfits: black leggings, a flowy peach top that Jane and Liz worked like dogs to talk me into, and my already beloved Birkenstock sandals.

Several long heartbeats later, I finally reached my desk and sank into my chair. Turning slightly, I glanced around.

The entire class was staring at me.

Josh, who hadn’t said anything to me since he and Kyle peeled out of the parking lot last Tuesday after school, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered the word “cute.”

My worst nightmare. I’d become Cute.

The bell rang, and Mr. Skamser rapped his ruler on his desk. “If everyone is done admiring the Mary Bennet fashion show, I’d like your attention, please.”

Most kids’ heads whipped toward the front of the room, but I felt my face flaming. Even though no one was laughing. I mean, not even a single snicker.

The rest of the day went the same, except that none of my other teachers were sadistic enough to point out my new wardrobe to the entire class. Ms. Gonzalez didn’t even notice, since we have to wear those skanky shorts and T-shirts in Gym class. In Physics, Mr. Gilbertson must’ve been too stunned by my new look to ask again whether I’d found a partner I liked for the roller coaster project.

In short, the entire day was a success, or as close to one as I’d ever experienced in this lifetime. On the other hand, no one came near me at lunch. No Josh. No Penelope in her wannabe overalls. I didn’t look around the cafeteria to see if they were sitting together somewhere else. I was having a decent day, for the first time in forever, and didn’t want to ruin it.

And yet . . .

After offering the Jeep to Cat, I trudged home alone after school. I was used to being alone, and that hadn’t changed today. The only thing that changed was that Josh said I was “cute” and Mr. Skamser noticed my outfit—although I’m not sure how that cuts—and nobody laughed at me. Sticking to overalls would’ve been a lot cheaper.

Sighing, I kicked at a stone.

A beat-up, dark-green Camaro drove by, slowly, a lot like the one Dad almost bought during the early throes of his mid-life crisis until Mom put her foot down. This one needed a paint job. I glanced at it, then kicked the stone again.

The Camaro slowed to a stop at the corner and didn’t start up again. I glanced around, idly wondering if it was a creep, but the block was full of kids playing and the occasional mom or dad hanging out in the front yard. I felt safe enough, but the car was still there. Waiting for God knows what.

Waiting for me, as it turned out.

The driver’s window was down, some loud rock music that sounded Spanish was blaring, and I finally recognized the face behind the dark sunglasses. Josh.

I slowly stepped closer, stopping on the curb across from him. Despite myself, my head bounced to the music throbbing from the Camaro’s speakers. I still didn’t like Josh, even if—or because—he suddenly thought I was cute, but I allowed myself to like his music. Unless he was singing it.

“Do you need a ride home?”

With Josh? In that car?

“You don’t have to look at me like I’m a mass murderer. I just asked if you wanted a ride.”

I froze, totally unable to decide. Unable to remember why I hated him, but I knew I did. “I, uh—”

As the Spanish-sounding rock kept thumping, he glanced up into his rearview mirror. Was he checking for traffic or worried that someone from school would catch him talking to me?

Maybe both. Nothing new. “What is that? That music?”

He eyed his dashboard as if the answer lay hidden there, then looked back at me. “That? Juanes?”

“He’s . . . Spanish?”

I rolled my eyes. He’s Spanish? And I was an honors student?

“Well, he ain’t French, if that’s what you mean. Don’t you take Spanish?”

“Fifth period.”

“I wondered. We were in class together last year.”

We were? Was Josh in every class I’d ever taken? Was he stalking me?

“You don’t have to look so surprised. Anyway, Juanes is Colombian. Don’t you remember Señor Haakenson playing a few Juanes songs in class? Un Día Normal? ‘Today’s a normal day, but I’m gonna make it intense.’ God, I love that.” He pounded his hand against the steering wheel, in time to the song Juanes was singing right now, as if to emphasize his point. “So I went out and bought a couple of his CDs.”

I knew the music sounded familiar, but I’d have to step closer to Josh’s car to hear it better. And, well, no.

“You think a lot, you know that?”

I suddenly realized I’d been staring down at my feet, in my comfy new Birkenstocks, my toenails embarrassingly bare and free of polish. Unlike every other girl I knew. I glanced up to see Josh’s eyes boring a hole through me.

His eyes crinkled at the corners. “Like I said.”

As my cheeks flushed, I heard myself stammering. “It’s, uh, just that I—”

“—spend a lot of time by yourself. Yeah, I’ve noticed. Why is that, anyway?”

I stared at Josh, trying to figure him out. Was he teasing? Making fun of me for having no friends whatsoever? Or utterly and completely clueless?

The thing is, he didn’t look clueless. Behind his slacker façade, he actually seemed smart. Okay, for a guy who wore his pants baggy and slung low, like the other skater dudes, and who spent his life riding around on a stupid contraption with four tiny wheels.

A car honked, and my head jerked up as I realized that an SUV had pulled up right behind Josh, the woman behind the wheel looking a bit crazed. Josh rolled his eyes and pulled forward, then around the corner. And stopped by the curb.

I crossed the street, not because I had any desire to follow him to the ends of the earth, but only because I didn’t want to be rude. Then I walked up to the passenger side and bent down to look in the window just as Josh reached across the seat and pushed the door open.

Like I was supposed to ride in it or something.

Biting my lip, I slid inside, slammed the door, and buckled my seatbelt. It was quite a feat, actually, considering the way my hands were trembling.

“Hey! I’m a good driver.”

Even though his car wasn’t going anywhere. As Juanes continued to blare, even louder now that I was inside the Camaro, Josh just sat there, staring at me. All of me.

Squirming, I untangled the strap of my backpack, which I’d dumped on my shins.

“So. I asked why you spend so much time by yourself. I mean, besides the fact that you’re probably busy thinking brilliant thoughts.”

Josh looked like he didn’t mind sitting there all day, waiting for my answer, but I wondered who lived in the houses on this block and whether they knew my parents and whether Mom would be waiting with a shotgun when I eventually got home.

I also wondered if Josh would walk me to the door. Did guys still do that? I mean, if they were actually going out with a girl and not just giving her a ride home after school?

Was Josh planning to go out with me?

“Earth to Mary. Or MB. Or whatever you want to be called today.”

I blinked, clearing my head. “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.” All of it stupid and pointless and basically the opposite of brilliant.

“Like?”

“Like?” Nothing I could confess to Josh. Most of my stupid thoughts were about him. “Like school.”

“You’ve got good grades, right? So what’s to worry about? Senior year doesn’t really matter, since colleges mostly look at your grades through junior year.”

Colleges. Ugh. Ms. Kieran had trapped me again today to bug me about college choices and whether I’d be applying for early decision.

I shrugged. “Ms. Kieran is all over me about colleges, but I have to go to the U of M.”

Josh frowned. “Money? Or do you just want to stick close to home?”

Could I talk about money with a guy? My sisters mostly just seemed to make out with guys. But I wasn’t my sisters, and guys weren’t exactly lining up to make out with me. Not even Josh, who’d been sitting next to me in a Camaro for a few minutes and hadn’t so much as reached for my hand.

My hands went clammy just thinking about it.

I glanced sideways at Josh. He was just sitting there, waiting, his hands gripping the steering wheel. Gripping it pretty hard, I noticed.

“I don’t want to stick close to home. It’s more about—” I swallowed hard. “Money.”

There. I’d said it.

“I know.” As my eyebrows flew up, he brushed a hand through his hair. “I mean, same with me. My parents split up last year, and it leaves my college plans swinging in the breeze.”

“What college plans?”

“I wanted to go somewhere warm. You know, so I can skate year-round.” He laughed, but he didn’t exactly seem amused. “Unfortunately, I haven’t found a lot of schools that offer full scholarships to skaters.”

Were there any that did?

“But . . . what about grades? Academic scholarships?”

I had to admit that Ms. Kieran’s constant badgering was actually sinking in. Not that any hot school would ever give me a scholarship or, for that matter, admit me. I had no activities, no friends, nothing but straight A’s. And, okay, perfect ACT scores. But what did those count for?

Josh shook his head. “I wouldn’t have a prayer. My grades are decent, but a lot of kids have decent grades. I should’ve listened to my dad and gone out for basketball. A sports scholarship would be easier to get.”

Even though Josh was maybe five feet nine, tops. And was obviously a skateboarder. Or skater. Or whatever he called himself.

“You could apply for an academic scholarship.” I tried to sound hopeful, even though Josh was right. Decent grades alone wouldn’t cut it. Even my grades, without much else on my résumé, wouldn’t be enough to nail a scholarship at MIT or the University of Chicago or anywhere else on my wish list.

Josh looked skeptical. “What about you? If anyone could score an academic scholarship, I guess it’d be you.”

I smiled weakly. “Since I don’t play basketball.”

“Not to mention football. Kyle already has a scholarship.”

“Kyle?” That moron got into college?

Josh nodded. “He got a full ride at the U of M.”

Yet another reason not to go to the U of M. At least it was a big place, and I had a strong hunch that Kyle and I would never run into each other there. Kyle in the library? Kyle in a lab? No way.

Josh laughed, breaking the sudden silence. “Unfortunately, ever since he got the word, he’s been less than eager to help out on the roller coaster project.”

I fiddled with my backpack, mostly to avoid looking at him. Was that why Josh was giving me a ride? Assuming we ever actually moved, of course? “Like you said, senior-year grades don’t matter.”

“Not to colleges. But they actually matter to me.” Josh glanced at me quickly. “I know that sounds lame.”

No, it sounded like me.

“Anyway.” Josh shrugged, looking embarrassed. “Enough about me. So tell me. If money weren’t an issue, do you know where you’d like to go to college?”

“MIT.” The initials whooshed out of me in a single breath.

“Feel free to take some time thinking about it.”

Josh laughed, his hand slapping the steering wheel, which reminded me that I was sitting in a car with a guy. Parking. Well, without the groping hands and hot breath and whatever else usually happened in parked cars, although maybe not in this particular Woodbury neighborhood on a sunny Monday afternoon in early October.

Weird parts of me started tingling just then, and I didn’t know what to do or even what to think. Was this normal? Was Josh feeling something, too?

“Are you gonna at least apply to MIT?”

No, apparently he wasn’t feeling anything. I blew out a breath. “Ms. Kieran keeps talking about it and shoving college brochures in my hands, but I haven’t even mentioned it to my mom or dad.”

“Take my advice: apply first, tell them later. Parents never tell you to go for it.”

Mom had, with Lydia and the circus, and look what happened. Dad was actually taking my abandonment of piano with aplomb, but I also remembered how he’d laughed when I mentioned playing electric guitar.

I sighed. “You’re right, but I won’t get in. Even if I did, it doesn’t matter. I can’t afford it.”

“So fill out some scholarship applications. At least Ms. Kieran will quit bugging you.”

“What about you? Are you going to do the same?”

“MIT is way out of my league.”

“Not to mention too cold for year-round skateboarding.” Grinning, I elbowed Josh, the way Liz always did when she was teasing someone, male or female.

But then I realized what I’d done, and my mouth fell open.

Josh stared at my elbow, then flicked his gaze to his own hands, then down to mine, then—as shivers zinged up my spine—over the rest of me.

Then he shifted into first gear and stared straight ahead out the windshield. “So where do you live, anyway?”

Blinking, I stumbled through directions to my house and sat quietly as he pulled away from the curb and drove the ten blocks to my street. No cars were in sight—Mom’s, Dad’s, Jane’s Prius, or the Jeep—and I offered a silent thanks for small favors.

Josh rolled to a stop. I took one more peek at him, but his blue eyes looked right through me as if I didn’t exist. As if we hadn’t just talked. As if he hadn’t flipped out just because I elbowed him the way I’d seen Liz elbow a bazillion people, even Alex, without anyone making it a Big Deal.

Guys. I mumbled my thanks for the ride, grabbed my backpack, and climbed out of Josh’s car. I walked up the front sidewalk and into the house without stumbling. Almost without breathing.

Definitely without looking back.

First thing Tuesday morning—before school and after skipping breakfast because I’d waffled too long about what to wear—I marched into the media center and asked Ms. Kieran about applications for academic scholarships, specifically for MIT. I wanted to go to MIT. I was finally going to shout that thought to the Universe, but I started by whispering it to Ms. Kieran. She just smiled and nodded encouragingly.

The fact that MIT would put me at least half a continent away from Josh next year, if not farther, didn’t influence me. Well, hardly at all.

Guys were stupid. Specifically Josh. So why was he hanging out at my locker right before first period?

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” I took a deep breath and walked up to my locker and spun the dial on the combination, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to have a guy waiting by my locker for me in the morning. Come to think of it, with Josh, it was getting to be almost normal.

Which was totally weird.

When the lock clicked open, I glanced at Josh—and caught him scoping me out. I bit my lip and turned away, trying to bite off my instinctive reaction.

I tried to decide what my reaction was.

Had Josh scoped me out when I wore overalls? I liked my new clothes, I really did, but I also felt so exposed in them. The neckline of this shirt skimmed the top of my bra, and my jeans were so snug in the butt that I felt weird in them. Tingly. Every time I moved.

As I turned to say something to Josh about his mutant male thinking, I caught him glancing down the hall. My gaze followed. Penelope. In almost exactly the same outfit I’d worn yesterday, only her hips swayed like a palm tree in a hurricane when she walked and her boobs were bigger. Naturally or with help, I wasn’t sure, but Josh didn’t seem to care.

I slammed my locker and headed for class.

“Mary? MB?” Josh’s footsteps thundered after me. “Wait up!”

I stopped and spun around so fast that Josh slammed into me, knocking the wind out of me. Oooof. As I lurched backward, doomed to hit the hallway floor, Josh reached out and caught me by the waist, pulling me back upright.

When his hands stayed around my waist, we were practically nose to nose. “Um, you can probably let me go now.”

Someone whistled, and Josh’s hands dropped away, and I turned to see Penelope sashay by in the opposite direction. This time, Josh didn’t turn to stare. The warning bell for first period rang, and Josh just blinked.

I waved a hand in his face. “Shouldn’t we get to class?”

Josh didn’t move. “Did you need a ride home after school again today?”

I had the Jeep, of course, but Cat would be only too happy to take it again. Why did Josh want to give me a ride? Hadn’t we gone the ten blocks to my house yesterday in utter silence? Because I’d elbowed him or because I’d made a joke? I wasn’t even sure. Maybe joking around was another thing no one expected of Mary Bennet.

“So? Do you want to?”

Want to what? My hands went clammy and my mouth dry as my mind flicked over the obvious possibilities. At least, the possibilities would be obvious if we weren’t talking about me: Jane Austen’s favorite spinster-for-life.

“I actually have a Jeep.” Not that I wanted to use it today when I could get a ride in a Camaro, but because I didn’t know what Josh wanted from the ride, and I recognized stark terror when it rode hard through my body.

“You do? But yesterday . . .”

I shrugged. “I let my sister take the Jeep.”

The second bell rang. Josh grabbed my hand and gave it a slight tug. “Time for class. But if you want to give your sister the Jeep again, that’d be great.”

I spent the rest of the morning thinking in lurid detail about just how great it would be, but Josh didn’t ask again. He also sat with Penelope at lunch. She might be wearing yesterday’s new Mary Bennet outfit, but from the goofy look on his face, Josh didn’t give a rat’s ass what she wore.

So I didn’t give a rat’s ass about either Josh or my lunch, which I tossed uneaten in the garbage can, even though my stomach had growled loudly ever since second-period Gym class.

After school, when my stomach sprang to life again, I headed to the Jeep, the keys dangling from my fingertips. I saw the hot-pink monstrosity two rows away, right where I’d parked it this morning, and breathed a sigh of relief that Cat hadn’t stolen it. I didn’t feel like walking home today and definitely didn’t feel like getting a ride from Josh.

Sure, the seats of his Camaro vibrated in time to the engine, and the smoldering voice of Juanes might be blaring through the speakers, but Penelope would probably be in the passenger seat.

Leaving me with the trunk.

Just as I thought that, the low thrum of a familiar engine came up slowly behind me. Proving my hunch, Josh’s voice accompanied it. “Hey. What did you decide?”

I decided that Josh was a jerk who obviously couldn’t choose between Penelope and me. Even though I didn’t want Josh, and told myself so every chance I got, I whipped around to tell him what I thought.

But Penelope wasn’t in the passenger seat. And Juanes was blaring out of the speakers.

“I—”

“C’mon.” Josh leaned over and opened the passenger door, just like yesterday. Like he’d had a lot of experience opening it for girls. Including Penelope.

Did that make me pathetic? Probably.

Biting my lip, I walked around the front of the car and slid inside. Yep, the seat vibrated. I couldn’t admit it to anyone, including Jane or Liz, because even Jane would find it hilarious. But it felt good. And Juanes sounded good. And, okay, Josh looked good, too.

He waited while I dropped my backpack onto my shins again, buckled up, and shot a quick text to Cat, telling her to take the Jeep. Then Josh reached for my backpack and slung it into the tiny space behind his seat.

“Where to?”

“Home? Wasn’t that what you—”

He shrugged. “If you want. Or we could go somewhere else.”

I swallowed hard. “Like?”

“Like my house? My mom won’t be home yet, and we—”

I gulped. “Okay.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

Mind? “Um, no.” I had no idea what it meant to make out with a guy—beyond kissing, I mean, and even that was a huge mystery to me—and I wasn’t sure Josh was the right guy for such a huge step, especially since he might offer the same step to Penelope tomorrow.

But I’d said yes, and part of me wanted to do this. Maybe the part that was vibrating in the passenger seat of a hot Camaro, but still. A girl had to start somewhere, and Jane Austen hadn’t exactly made it easy for me.

The Camaro vibrated all the way to Josh’s house, which was a mile from mine and, surprisingly, across the street from the condo building where Charlie had stayed when he first came to Woodbury a year ago to buy a company here. I instinctively slouched down in the passenger seat.

Luckily, though, Charlie’s car wasn’t in sight. Even luckier, neither was Jane’s.

“We’re here.” Josh grabbed my backpack, along with his, then reached across my seat to open my door—until his forearm brushed against my boobs. As his breath sucked in, he closed his eyes and opened the door. Quickly. And then flew backward out of the car.

I stumbled out less than gracefully and followed him up the sidewalk to a large brick house that made me wonder why he couldn’t afford college. “Nice house.”

He shrugged. “My parents paid off the mortgage before they got divorced. Otherwise, Mom couldn’t afford it.”

The inside of the house made more sense. It looked like someone—like, say, Josh’s dad—had taken half the furniture and no one had bothered to replace the obvious holes.

I also saw half a dozen skateboards in the front hall.

He glanced at them. “I usually get a new board when I win a tournament. My mom tells me it’s no excuse for leaving them in the hall.” Bending down, he grabbed a couple of them and stuck them in the hall closet. “Sorry.”

My stomach growled, killing all of my PG-rated romantic fantasies in favor of one involving food. But didn’t girls always say you weren’t supposed to eat in front of guys? Why was that? I frowned, debating whether I should act like a girl or give in to the fact that I hadn’t eaten all day. At this point, I might start gnawing on furniture.

“So. You wanna go upstairs?”

My growling stomach shut up. “To your room?”

He shrugged. “I figured that’d be the best place.”

And the absolute worst. When did his mom get home, anyway?

“Um, sure. If you want.”

I wanted to see his room, I admit, but the way my stomach was flipping somersaults told me I didn’t want to go too far. Kissing would be nice, even if I wasn’t quite sure how to do it. Beyond kissing, I was both clueless and terrified out of my mind. Would we sit on his bed and kiss? But what then? Would he nudge me onto my back, and let his hand creep under my shirt and up to my bra? Would he try to undo my bra?

Hyperventilating, I glanced at Josh as we walked along the hall to the staircase, trying to figure out what he intended by looking into his eyes. But Josh, to the extent I could see past his bangs to his blue eyes, looked totally normal. Like he did this all the time. With other girls.

I made it up the stairs on rubbery legs. Five feet later, I was in Josh’s room. With him. And he shut the door.

My dad would kill him.

My mom would order wedding invitations. Oh, wait, no. She’d kill him.

“So. Wanna get started?”

I frowned. Was this how it went? Were all guys so totally unromantic about the whole thing?

“I guess?”

He tossed our backpacks on the bed and sat down. I looked around for a chair in the room. There was one, but it was stacked high with books. I sighed. At least he had a double bed. I sat down on it, too, but on the other side of the backpacks from Josh.

He didn’t move them. In fact, he reached inside his.

Huh?

“Do you happen to have your roller coaster stuff with you?” He pulled a notebook out of his backpack, then stood up to grab a book about roller coasters out of the pile on his chair. “If you don’t, it’s okay. You can look at my stuff.”

“That’s what you—” I gulped. “You wanted to work on your roller coaster design? With me?”

And you don’t want to kiss me?

“Well, sure. I mean, I keep asking. And like I said, Kyle basically disappeared when he got his football scholarship.”

“But—”

Josh held up a hand. “I know you said you already finished. But if you haven’t turned your project in yet, maybe we can come up with some design ideas that’ll help you, too.”

I felt myself crumpling. I didn’t want Josh, or any guy, if he suddenly noticed me only because I started wearing cute clothes. And I had no idea how far I wanted to take things with a guy, even a guy I liked, even—hypothetically—Josh, but it probably wasn’t very far at all.

“But you— You didn’t bring me here to—”

What did I almost say? I clapped my hand over my mouth.

“Bring you here to what?” Josh stared at me, then down at the Physics notebook in his hands. “I, uh, didn’t—”

I saw the apology in his eyes a moment before I suddenly felt so faint from hunger that I thought I might die. A moment later, I slumped over backward. Josh and his room swirled around me like a sea of polka dots.

And then? I have no idea.