She worked late into the night, after moving the picture of Lena and herself next to her laptop so she could look into her sister’s eyes as she did all she knew to save her life. Lena’s smile was a tad on the bland side in the picture. But she always had that wistful distance in her expression, as if she constantly wished she were somewhere else, doing something much more exciting. The family had accepted long ago that was the reason for her frequent disappearing acts. Living life on her terms.
Well, she was getting a little more excitement than she’d bargained for now, wasn’t she?
At three a.m., Lindsey pressed her fingertips into her dry, aching eyes. Done. She set her laptop aside on the bed and reached to turn off her lamp. Almost before her head hit the pillow, she was asleep, but the nightmares came soon after.
In one, she was fighting an unseen attacker, and she woke up panting and sweating. It took her half an hour to fall back asleep after being jolted awake from the panic, only to fall into a worse dream, one that had no images she could recall. A blank, black wall of dread and isolation and loss, where somehow she knew everyone she loved was gone.
For her, it was hell, and that one brought her awake gasping.
Dammit, she had to keep it together. She went to the kitchen for a drink of water, then strolled to her window to look out over the streets below. Flurries danced past her window, some tiny, some fat flakes that hit the warmer glass and immediately melted.
Lindsey watched the silent, hypnotic show outside, remembering snowy Christmases past when all of them were together, laughing, building snowmen, opening presents, drinking cider.
What would happen this year? When her parents didn’t hear from Lena at the holiday, they would know something was wrong.
Was her sister even out there? Alive? She had to be. Some innate twin-sense would surely be thrumming in Lindsey’s soul if the unthinkable had happened. Once, when they were seventeen, Lindsey had awakened in a panic one night for no discernable reason. Two hours later, her parents had gotten a call that Lena’s then-boyfriend had driven off a snowy road and crashed, sending them both to the hospital. Thank God, they’d been okay, but she’d never forgotten that.
Hell, she’d been running on so much adrenaline and blind panic lately that she couldn’t take comfort in that. She couldn’t piece together any sense of her sister’s well-being among all the noise in her mind. Besides, the eerie connection had only happened that one time.
She couldn’t keep imagining the worst. Those were the thoughts Jace would tell her not to let in.
Lindsey went back to bed, but those doubts simply wouldn’t stop. She tossed and turned the rest of the night, and when a cold, gray day finally greeted her, she felt as if she hadn’t slept in years.
…
“I know you’ve vowed a dozen times you’re only friends, but are you sure that—”
“Mom. Yes. God, please. Stop asking me about him.” Lindsey wanted to crawl under the table, certain her face was blazing bright red at her mother’s inquisition. But it was the first time they’d talked since the dinner. When her mother invited her out to lunch today, Lindsey knew what the topic of conversation would be. So far she’d managed to steer it in a couple of different directions, but it always came back to Jace.
She dragged her fork through her salad and checked her watch, hoping her mother wouldn’t notice how little of an appetite she had. In a couple of hours, she would be meeting him, and every bite she took set her stomach to roiling.
Watching the snow in the silent predawn hours had put her in an odd mood, longing for simpler days long past. Just now she noted how the lines had deepened on her mother’s dear, lovely face, and worry for both her parents chilled her blood.
I have to keep them safe. Whatever it takes.
Lena had been targeted—why not the rest of them? She found her blood could run a few degrees colder, and every eye in the restaurant seemed to focus on her. Her imagination, of course, but…she wondered if she would ever be free of feeling as if she were being watched. It was like that webcam light still glowed in her mind. Even in her sleep.
“Your dad really liked him, too. Imagine that,” her mother said innocently.
“Mom, at this point, Dad would probably like a gang member.”
“You know, you’ve never gone for brawn before. I was surprised.”
“Stop trying to trap me. I’m not going for him.”
Her mom shook her head almost sadly. “Honey, you’re blind if you don’t go for that.”
Lindsey’s jaw dropped. Of the very few men she’d brought around her parents, this was a first. “Mom.”
“What? It was all I could do not to squeeze his muscles. I even told your dad that after you two left.”
“You did not!”
“I did so. Just because I’ve been married forty years doesn’t mean I don’t know hot when I see it. So I have to ask again, and you’ve been avoiding the issue, but I want an answer. What’s the problem?”
She didn’t have Jace’s stone-faced skill of crafting a background out of thin air. Or at least, she never had before. But she’d never tried it. “He isn’t interested…like that.”
“That’s utter nonsense. He hung on every word you said at dinner.”
He’s a good actor. Lindsey frowned down at her barely touched salad. “I didn’t notice that.”
“Well, that figures, since you hardly looked at him, but the man barely took his eyes off you all night. Now, the untrained eye would think you’re the one not interested, but I know you better than that. You get bashful when you like someone. Lindsey, I simply don’t think you should pass this up. If no one has made a move yet, maybe you should try.”
“You only met him once. I swear, I am never bringing a man around you and Dad again.”
“Dad said he was at your apartment rather early for—”
“I am not sleeping with him, and I would not talk to you about it if I were.”
Her mom laughed. “If you refuse to talk to me about it, then how do I know you’re really not sleeping with him?”
Lindsey dropped her forehead into her palm. “Stop, just…stop. This is so gross.”
“Why? Because I want to see my daughter happy? The one daughter who seems capable of it?”
That snapped her head back up. “What do you mean?”
Mom sighed and absently smoothed the napkin in her lap. “I’ve given up on Lena. Every time I have high hopes for her…she seems to delight in letting them crash. Sometimes I think her lifestyle must make her happy, so I try to be at peace with that. But if I know her as well as I hope I do—as well as I know you—I worry that’s not the case. Why does she have to escape so often? Why does she run, and where does she go?”
“I wish I knew,” Lindsey said softly. Now more than ever.
“But you—you’re my stable child. You would make a warm, loving home for a happy family. So when a man stares at you like he sees how precious you are, and you’re blushing and fidgeting and doing all the things you do when you’re attracted to someone, I have to ask. Yet again. What’s the problem? Why just friends?”
It was a most inopportune time to remember the kiss at Jace’s front door. The angry, savage burn of his mouth on hers.
Precious? Hardly.
Pure hatred had raged in his eyes. It wasn’t there anymore, thank God. Her mom hadn’t seen the way he’d been with her then or heard all the rude things he’d said the night they went to Lena’s apartment.
Jace had only been acting for her parents’ benefit, putting on the mask of a man they wouldn’t mind their daughter bringing home. And why did that hurt so much?
“I don’t know what to tell you, Mom. It isn’t going to happen.”
“Why? I mean, my God, Lindsey, is he married? Entering the priesthood? Leaving the country for good? What is it?” She reached across the table to take Lindsey’s hand. “I wish you would talk to me. I must have the most private daughters in the world.”
Squeezing her mom’s hand, Lindsey’s heart broke for her mom, and a little for herself, too. She had been taking up Lena’s slack for so damn long—was she now becoming just as bad in her own way? “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you worry about me, but please don’t.” She drew a deep breath. “About Jace…you’re right, I like him. No, he’s not married or moving or celibate that I know of. I don’t think he’s interested, but who knows? Maybe I’ll take your advice and make a move.
“But until then, I don’t want to be pressured about it. If and when it’s right, I’ll know.”
Her mom gave a little smile, a little nod, and sat back in her chair. “He does have great shoulders, doesn’t he? I’ve always had a thing for shoulders.”
“Mom. At this point I’m starting to think I need to worry about you moving in on him.”
At that, her mother laughed. “Nah. He only had eyes for you, my dear.”
Lindsey wished she would stop saying that. The ache gnawed its way a little deeper every time.