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Sixteen
I’m back at East’s house for the weekend. Mom had this thing for her new job, and she was afraid that Darin would be at the house all weekend if she left me there on my own because last time that’s exactly what happened. East caught us when Mom randomly had him stop by to check in on me. Now I’m not allowed to stay home alone overnight. Mom is terrified that I’ll be like her I guess and end up pregnant and alone. I have no intentions of becoming a teen mom. Sure, Darin and I have fooled around but nothing outside of kissing and some touching. All over the clothes type stuff. Even when he stayed the weekend with me, we slept with all our clothes on.
I doubt he will ever touch me now, not after East put the fear of God and the Devil in him. He threatened to cut his thing off and feed it to him if he did so much as breathe funny. It was so embarrassing. I thought Darin was going to break up with me then and there, but he didn’t.
East called Mom and told on me. I was so mad at him. I don’t think I’d ever been truly mad at him until that moment. He’s always had my back and been on my side, but that day he was the enemy.
When him and Mom were dating, he tore out a closet and added a bedroom on for me. So I wouldn’t have to sleep on the pullout bed in the living room anymore. He let me choose any color I wanted so I chose a pale creamy yellow. He painted sunflowers on the wall for me. Him and my mom. Said he wanted me to feel at home here, and the sad part is I’ve always felt more at home here with East. Like nothing bad will ever touch me again.
Mom had a boyfriend when I was five who was pure evil. I think Johnny Ray Lycons was the Devil reincarnated. He was nasty and downright mean. Didn’t like Mom having to ignore him to take care of me. He hated me and I hated him.
One night good ol’ Johnny had been drinking or doing some drugs. Possibly both. I had a nightmare and wet my bed. I stumbled into Mom’s room in the middle of the night. He was holding her down on the bed and touching her. He looked up and saw me in the doorway. His thin lips puckered into a snarl and I could see the fires of hell blazing in his eyes.
“That brat is always in my goddamned way,” he roared. His fist came back and connected with her face. Mom cried out and I screamed. My dog started barking from downstairs. I don’t know what I was thinking but I ran straight at Jonny Ray like I could somehow pull him off my mom and protect her. It was the wrong thing to do. I should have run. Should have gone across the street to the Baker’s and got help but I was a kid. A stupid in the way kid. He caught me by the hair and shook me. His hand went around my throat and he squeezed so hard that some nights I wake up and think I can still feel his large hand wrapped around me. I wake up unable to breathe, but when I’m staying here at East’s house the nightmares don’t come. I forget all about Johnny Ray. I forget that Murder showed up and beat him to a pulp for what he did, for touching me, smacking Mom around, and killing my dog. I was scared for years that Johnny was gonna come back and want revenge on me.
He’s on my mind tonight though because my stupid-self decided I wanted to watch a scary movie. I’ve been in my room hiding from East because I’m still mad at him. I could be on a date with Darin tonight, but he said no. Said the roads were too bad, that he didn’t trust Darin’s driving. I called it a lame excuse but here I am in bed watching this movie scaring the shit out of myself because now Darin is mad at me and not answering my text messages.
It’s this movie where this teenage girl is on a getaway with her parents and she goes into town to meet up with her friend. They meet this cute boy, but it turns out his family is wanted for murder. It’s called Last House On The Left and it has scared the crap out of me. Now I’m terrified to go to sleep. I know East is still up. I heard him coming in from a smoke. He does his best not to smoke around me because I start gagging at the smell. It makes me think of stupid Jonny Ray and I wish he’d quit.
I shut the Tv off and lay in my bed tossing and turning trying to think happy thoughts. Trying to be excited that tomorrow I have dance practice because I know Darin won’t be able to stay away. He always shows up to drive me home after practice. I toss and turn more, trying to count sheep. Nothing is working. I go into the kitchen for a bottled water and all the lights are off, except for the glare from the Tv upstairs in the loft where East has his bedroom and a small sitting area. I creep up the stairs in case he’s a sleep. I don’t want to wake him.
East is kicked back on the couch. He’s shirtless and drinking a beer watching some movie. I can see all his tattoos on display. He’s an attractive man. I’d have to be blind not to notice his muscles and that sexy ink. I glance at his tattoos, cataloging them to memory. The skull and roses on his neck. The swirly pattern on his bicep. I memorize every visible inch. I glance at the screen. A woman is on her knees and I can’t look away. I know I shouldn’t watch. I know exactly what kind of movie this is. Last time I spent the night at Andi’s her brother was in trouble because their parents caught him watching dirty porno films on his iPad. The man pushes his erection into her mouth, and I swallow hard, looking to East. He hasn’t noticed me perched at the top of the stairs spying on him. I know this is so wrong, but I’m glued to the spot.
Holy hell. I should turn around right now or at least close my eyes, but I can’t. His hand slips into his pants. He’s touching his thing. Oh. My. God. East’s head goes back on the couch, eyes closed, lips parted. He shoves his pants down exposing it all, spreading his thick thighs that are dusted with dark hair. Fist wrapped around his thick cock he pumps. My heart beats fast in my ears. Emotions I’ve never felt before shoot through me. Sensations I don’t exactly understand, but I want him to notice me. I want him to know I’m watching. There’s something wrong with me. This is bad. I need to get far away from these stairs. My nipples harden, belly tightening. Warmth pools between my thighs.
My fingers move to my chest as the movie continues to play. I touch myself. Body tingling, I wish East were touching me.
“Take me all the way,” the man grunts and she suctions her lips tighter around him. Fingers gripping her head he starts thrusting, sliding in and out of her mouth.
East strokes himself faster. His thickness bobbing between his fingers.
I let out a shaky breath. Gaze focused on what East is doing my hand moves lower.
“You love my big cock,” the man on the screen continues.
The woman starring in the porno flick starts to moan, and I find myself being drawn closer to both the movie and to East.
East moves his hand faster and faster until he erupts on his stomach. Creamy liquid coats his hand.
I move closer, tongue darting out to wet my lips.
His eyes pop open when my shadow crosses the Tv.
“Fuck,” he growls. The deep sound of his voice washes over my skin and jolts through my every nerve. I part my lips and the two of us just stare at each other for an intense minute or maybe its mere seconds, but the spell breaks and he pulls his pants up and shuts the Tv off. Now we’re in the dark. I move toward him as he leans forward and rests his head in his hands elbows on his knees. “Just go to bed, Wylla Mae.”
“I don’t...I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t mean to.”
“Fucking hell, just go to your room and let’s pretend this didn’t happen, okay? Can you make that happen for me, Lil’ Lady?”
I nod but my words don’t match. “Nobody’d have to know, East.” I go to him and drop to my knees having no clue what I’m doing, but I want to do to him what that woman was doing in the movie. I want to taste him. To lick him clean and for him to put his hands on me.
His dark eyes meet mine. “The fuck did you just say?” His beer stained breath fans over my lips.
“I said no one would have to know.” I lick my lips and put my hand on his knee. He jerks away from my touch as though I’ve burned him.
“Wylla Mae, only gonna say this once. You’re a kid. I’d go to jail. Now do us both a favor and march your ass down those stairs and we never speak of this again.”
Tears burn in my eyes, but I softly say, “Okay.” I sniffle and move to stand. “I’m sorry, East.”
“Me too,” he croaks, and I leave him there alone in the dark in a bad place sensing so much distance between us all I want is to cry. I’m so confused. He’s East. My Easton. Maybe my hormones are making me crazy because Darin and I haven’t...but I don’t get those same emotions I experience for East when I look at Darin. Those all consuming thoughts.
Desire.
A craving to be his.
I want to belong to Easton Reed.
Back in my room I lay there tossing and turning. I can’t sleep. I keep picturing East touching himself. His fist wrapped around his erection. Shame washes over me, but I can’t stop picturing what could have happened between us if he hadn’t pushed me away.
I hear the front door open and East talking to a woman. Jealousy grips me and I want to scream. Lynn’s here. I thought they had broken up. She’s the woman East has been seeing off and on again. I guess they are still on. I’m a fool. So stupid. Why did I think he’d want me?
Her laughter echoes through the house.
Once I hear them go upstairs my tears fall harder. My tears soak through my pillowcase. I can hear him through the vent in my ceiling. Touching her. Doing all the things I wish he’d do to me.
“You like that? Like when I give you my big cock.”
“Harder. Go faster. Like that. Oh, yes. Fuck me, East.”
All the things that I will never experience outside of my wildest fantasies plays out above my room. I know it’s wrong to want him. To crave him so deeply that he is all I can think about day in and day out. Easton Reed was never meant to be mine, but I claimed him when I was just a girl and he was already a man. He has always been home to me. My safe space. Where I could run to when life got too tough. Too hard and dark. He was my protector. He was and is my everything, but to him I’m a silly girl. Except I’m no little girl. I’m all grown up now. Ready and willing to do whatever it takes to be his Lady.
I close my eyes and pop my earbuds in, turning the volume up on my playlist as loud as it will go to drown the sounds of him screwing her brains out.
**
The next morning, I find him in the kitchen nursing a coffee. Dressed in a black long sleeve Harley Davidson tee and dark jeans he’s all broody and mad at the world. Jaw tight, gripping his mug so tight his knuckles are white. Lynn’s gone. I guess she came over for a booty call. I want to hate her for being with him. For getting to kiss him and touch him any way she wants. Part of me hates him right now too for bringing her here and taking her to bed. For turning me away. For denying me of what I want most in this world.
“I called your mom.” Did he tell her? My palms begin to sweat and my stomach flipflops. Panic floods me and fear grips me. “Told her I have to ride out on a run for the club. I’m dropping you at home. I can’t...I’ll always be here for you, Wylla Mae, but I’ll never put us in that awkward position again. You’re a kid. I’m the adult. I can’t go acting on feelings that neither of us understand. It’s not appropriate and what you saw...I’m sorry for that. I just can’t be around you right now and it’s nothing you did. It’s all me. I accept responsibility for that. But I gotta remove us both from this situation. Pack your bag and I’ll drive you home.”
“East.” I move toward him knowing my world is cracking in two along with my heart. Moisture gathers in the creases of my eyes.
“Don’t come any closer, Lil’ Lady.”
“I’m not little. I’m sixteen. It’s the age of—”
His hand flies up. “Stop. Don’t be saying shit like that. Go pack your things.”
“Fine. You’re a coward.” I don’t know why I am saying these things or pushing him, but I know what I feel in my heart. I love him. I’ve always loved him.
He shoves past me, his shoulder bumping into mine and electricity passes through my body at the connection. He stomps to my room, and I hear drawers opening and slamming shut. He is packing everything I ever left here. I stand in the doorway watching, hot heavy tears sliding down my cheeks.
Fifteen minutes later everything, all my belongings, all my memories of East are packed into a box and taped shut like I never existed in his world. He drops me at my doorstep and sits the box on the porch.
“Call me if you need me, but only if it’s an emergency. I’m sorry.”
“East,” his name cracks on my tongue tasting bitter like burnt toast. “Can you check the house for me. I’d feel safer.” My words sound as hollow as my heart feels.
“Yeah. Sure. I can do that.”
I follow him in and plop down on the couch fighting my tears.
I hear him move through the house and he stops at the front door after doing his sweep. “Just keep the doors locked. Hell, invite Darin over,” he says as though that will make any of this okay.
I’ve ruined us. I’ve lost the one person I love most in this world because I was being stupid, but I can’t fight the emotions the man awakens inside me. The attraction that lingers under the surface begging to be set free. My fingers twitch, longing to touch him. I suck in a deep breath wishing to smell his intoxicating scent. I’m addicted to Easton Reed. I’m completely fucked in the head over this man.
I run to him and barrel into his side before he can stop me. Wrapping my arms around his middle I breathe him in. The smell of smoke and leather. “I’m sorry, East.” I stare up into his darkened eyes. “Please don’t hate me.” Confusion swirls in my chest. I know I shouldn’t want him.
But I do.
I want Easton Reed.
I want him to be all mine.
To belong to me and only me. I love him so much I physically ache. My heart burns in my chest turning to ashes. How do I let him go? How do I give up the one man who has truly ever gave a damn about me?
His gaze meets mine. I see this raw hunger in his eyes that makes my belly quiver. “I could never hate you, Wylla Mae.” He touches my cheek with his rough fingers and a shiver moves through me. His stare lingers on my lips, and I lean up to close the distance between us. My lips meet his and he doesn’t move. He goes rigid like a statue. The well of tears I was holding back breaks free and his lips finally move, tasting my tears. He kisses me. No tongue just mouth. His lips on mine.
I press into him, running my tongue over his lips, tasting him, his cigarette he smoked on the way here, and the black coffee he drank. He jerks back, pushing me away.
“Don’t,” he croaks as though he is fatally wounded. And maybe he is because I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and as though I may die right here on this spot if he walks out that door.
Raw and bloody, that’s how I picture my heart at his feet.
“Don’t leave me, East. I want...”
The pad of his finger presses to my lips, silencing me. “Don’t finish that sentence. You’re confused, but one day you’ll thank me for being a better man. I may not physically be present in your life anymore, but I’ll never be far away. I give you my word.”
My tears fall harder, my chest constricting so tight, I can’t breathe as my body violently trembles and shakes so hard my teeth rattle.
His large hand cups my cheek and I nuzzle into it craving so much more than he’s willing to give me.
“I love you, Easton Reed.”
“I know you do.” His hand falls away, stripping me bare, and all I want is for him to say it back and wrap me in his arms, promising he’ll never let me go. Those torturous lips...I can still taste them. Still feel the soft fullness of them.
He takes the final step and opens the door.
“You love me too.” I fall to my knees and the door closes. Hope blooms in my chest and dies as quickly as it budded.
East drops to his knees in front of me, pain etched on his face. Stroking my jaw, he pierces me with his gaze, and I wish he’d say to hell with it and kiss me, but he doesn’t. He drives the final blow into my gut. “I do love you. Just not the way you want me to. I’m not right for you. You’re gonna have a beautiful life, kid. The man who wins your heart will be someone worthy. Not a bastard like me.” His lips meet my forehead signaling goodbye, but I’m not ready to let go of what could be.
“Admit it, East. You think about me. You want me. You want to be with me. I thought I did something wrong, but that’s not it. You’re a fucking coward. Last night you fucked her and thought about me, didn’t you? Just say it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Wylla Mae.”
“Admit it. You want me. You love me the way that I love you. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me, East. Tell me,” I cry, grasping the hem of his shirt.
“Yeah. I want a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I can have them.” He pries my fingers loose of him and I collapse. My cheek hits the cold wooden flooring, my tears dropping steady as rain.
I watch his boots disappear out the door. He pauses and shoots me one final look over his shoulder. Lips turned down he closes his eyes and breathes hard for a beat. Then he’s gone. The door slams shut hard enough to rattle the pictures on the wall, and I crack all over like a porcelain doll who has been dropped and discarded.
I’m not sure how long I lay there in the fetal position arms wrapped around my center trying like hell to hold myself together.
After a few hours and I’ve dried my eyes and quieted my sobs, I call Darin. I need something to fill this void in my chest where my heart used to be. All I want is to forget the way Easton Reed smells like sunshine and leather. The roughness of his hands. The softness of his heart. The earthy taste of his tobacco stained lips. But most of all the way he looked at me when he walked away.
Darkness swirls inside me but his memory remains, shining bright like a beacon. But this is one storm I won’t find my way home from.