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Eighteen
I fasten the buckle on my white wedge sandal and do one more turn in the mirror. This is it. Graduation day. I’m officially one step closer to college and one step out from under my mother’s roof. Mom knocks on my bedroom door then pushes it open. “Hey, sweetie. Darin is waiting downstairs. I want to get some pictures of the two of you before you go. Steven and I will meet you there of course.”
“Did you hear back from East?” My heart hammers in my throat at the thought of him. We’ve not spoken much over the past two years after what I refer to as ‘the incident.’ Today is important to me though, and it wouldn’t be right if he missed my big day. He mailed my birthday card and called me. Left me a voicemail in the middle of the night when he knew my phone would be off. Said he was on the road, but I didn’t believe him. I saw his motorcycle parked at the clubhouse. Sometimes when Mom lets me use her car, I go looking for him, needing to know he’s still out there. That he’s still close by. I drive by his house hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Some days I can’t even remember his face. Sometimes it’s as though he’s a ghost and I think I dreamed him up because I needed a hero.
“No. He never did text back, but I mailed him the invitation and sent a reminder. I’m sure he’ll come if he can.”
I give her a weak smile. She doesn’t know what happened that weekend, and I’ll never tell her. East got busy living his life, and I’ve continued living mine existing some place between where he is and where I long to be. I miss him. I miss him so much it aches deep in my bones. He promised he’d always be there for me, but I ruined that. I screwed up. He answers an occasional text but other than that, I’ve had no contact with him. He’s kept his distance and maybe that’s been for the best, but it still hurts. His absence cuts me deeper than any knife ever could.
“You look so pretty. I hope you know how proud I am of you.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“I got you a little something. It’s not much but anyway I got you a present.” She hands me a blue velvet case. I open it up and smile. It’s a strand of pearls. “Thought they’d look pretty today.”
“Help me put it on?” I brush my light brown hair to the side. The older I get the darker my hair gets. You’d never know looking at me now that I used to have light blonde hair.
“Of course.” Mom hooks the strand of pearls around my neck. “There.” She moves my hair back in place. “You’re all grown up now, but you’ll always be my baby girl. The house will be so different once you’re away at school.”
“I’m not going that far away. Just an hour away practically,” I remind her.
“Yes, but it won’t be the same as having you here.”
“Stop it. We both know you’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. For me to be out of your hair.” I grin at her.
“That’s not true.” Her words say one thing, but her eyes give her away. My mother loves me in her own way, but she’s always felt like a caged bird wanting to fly free without the restraints of being responsible for someone else. Responsible for me.
“It’s okay, Mom. I know you love me in your special way.”
“Wylla Mae, I never regretted you for one second. Where is this coming from? Have you always felt this way? That I wished I hadn’t had you?”
I don’t say anything. I let my silence speak volumes. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just want to make it through graduation.
“I’ll tell Darin you’ll be down in a few.”
“Thanks.” She exits my room, and I let out a breath, biting back the tears threatening to fall. Today is supposed to be happy, but I feel empty. I’ve felt this void since the day I screwed up everything with East.
I grab my cap and gown and make my way downstairs to Darin. He smiles big at me. “You look beautiful as always.”
“Thanks. You look pretty darn good yourself.” I move in and kiss his cheek.
“Pictures!” Mom claps her hands and I groan.
“We need to get going.”
“Oh, hush. Let me have this moment, graduate.”
“Fine.” Darin wraps an arm around me, and we pose in front of the staircase.
“Smile, Sweetpea,” Mom chastises me.
I know I am supposed to be happy and excited. Part of me is, but the rest of me is waiting for East to knock on the front door and tell me he’s proud of me, but he doesn’t. I fold into Darin’s Mustang and go through the motions of smiling and pretending I’m not completely broken inside because he isn’t here. I search the crowd for his face through most of the ceremony, battling my tears. Allowing everyone to believe I’m simply sad that I won’t be seeing my friends or my boyfriend every day. I’ve gotten used to wearing this mask. Pretending I don’t care.
Darin is leaving tomorrow to go straight to football camp in Florida. I’m here until I make the move to my dorm at Marshall University. He accepted a scholarship, and I don’t blame him for going for it. He’s upset that I didn’t want to follow him there, but honestly, I never saw us lasting past high school. He wants to try the whole long distance thing, but I know we won’t last. He’s always had a wandering eye and while I like Darin, I know I’m not in love with him. He’ll move on easily enough. Once he gets to his new school there will be plenty of girls to change his mind.
“Hey.” He caresses my cheek after the ceremony. “You seem off today.”
“It’s nothing.” I lean into him. “I’m just emotional. Our childhood is over and we’re adults now. I’m going to miss roaming these halls and seeing you waiting for me by my locker the days you don’t drive me. Talking to you every night until I fall asleep.”
“You’re always going to be my girl, Wylla Mae.”
“Do you remember when you gave me a titty twister?” I laugh.
“That was unfortunate. My father proceeded to give me a purple nurple when I got home that day. Lucky for me, you forgave me.”
“Yeah. I thought East was going to storm the halls to find you. He was so mad.”
“Ah. That’s what’s wrong. He was a no show. You know he’s not your dad. I don’t get why you are so hung up on that dude. He dated your mom for like five minutes. I’m starting to think you’re in love with him or something.”
My mouth drops. Darin has always hinted he thought I might have a crush on East, but he’s never came out and said it before. “Why would you say that?” I push away from him and start down the hallway hoping my mom hasn’t left yet.
“Where are you going?” Darin jogs after me. “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. It’s just I wish you’d look half as excited when you say my name as when you say his.”
“Darin.” I look at him as he pushes the door open leading to the back parking lot of our school not knowing what to say to him. I’ve denied my true desires for so long.
“Looks like you got your wish after all.” Darin nods toward the parking lot.
I glance up and I don’t war with my tears, I let them fall freely. “East,” I whisper his name as a smile stretches over my face. I don’t give Darin a second thought as I rush down the concrete slab steps toward him. He’s leaning against his big black Chevy truck looking dangerous and like a dream come true. Wearing a black Harley Davidson tee and dark jeans. His tattoos are on full display. He’s grown a bit of facial hair and it looks ruggedly sexy. My fingers itch to touch it...to touch him to make sure he’s real.
His arms open and I collapse in his embrace throwing my arms around his neck. “You came.” He smells of smoke and I grin even wider. God I’ve missed the smell of him. Tobacco, leather, and the open road. He’s been riding. I can smell it on him. He smells like sunshine and asphalt. Danger and everything forbidden that I crave.
“Told you, kid. I’ll always show up for you.”
“I didn’t think you’d be here.” I swipe my fingers under my eyes hoping I haven’t completely destroyed my makeup.
“I wouldn’t miss your graduation for nothing. I’m damn proud of you, Lil’ Lady.”
“I’m not little,” I mumble.
“No, you aren’t,” he agrees. “I cleared it with your mom that is if you want to, I thought I’d take you to dinner to celebrate. Darin can come too.” His arms drop, and I realize I had completely forgotten about my boyfriend.
“Um, I think he has a thing with his family. I should let him know though that I’m going to get a ride with you.”
“Sure. I’ll be in the cage.”
I shake my head. I always get a tickle hearing him refer to his truck as cage. Like driving it makes him feel like an animal being held in a crate or something.
I rush back to Darin. “Hey, so East is taking my mom and me out to dinner.” I don’t know why I lie to him. I know my mom won’t be there. I guess Darin’s comment has made me paranoid.
“Yeah. Sure. I’ll see ya later for Markie’s party?”
“Mhmm. Of course. I’ll text you when we get home.”
“Okay.” He leans in to kiss me and I don’t know what possesses me to do it, but I turn my cheek into him. I don’t want East to see Darin sticking his tongue down my throat. It just seems weird.
He scoffs. “Wow. Okay. I was right, wasn’t I?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re in love with that old dude,” he accuses, folding his arms over his chest. “Is he why you don’t fuck me? Did you already give him your V-card? Bet he punched that as soon as you were having your period.”
“Shut up. Don’t be saying that, Darin. I don’t know why you’re so jealous of him. He’s been in my life since I was eight years old. There’s something wrong with you. He dated my mom. Just you know what. If that’s what you think about me then...have a nice life.”
“You get in that truck and we’re through,” he threatens.
“I don’t need this from you. We both know this wasn’t going to last. Might as well end it now.”
He grabs my arm and twists it behind me. “You aren’t leaving with him. You came with me. You’re my girlfriend, Wylla Mae. I shouldn’t have to remind you of the fact.”
“Let me go, Darin.”
He moves in to try and kiss me but stops abruptly when East has him by the back of the neck. “Is there a problem here, son?” I swallow hard. I didn’t even hear him get back out of his truck.
“No problem.” Darin lets go and shoots us both a dirty look. “Don’t text me ever again, Wylla Mae.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t.”
Darin storms off and East places his hands on my shoulders. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“He hasn’t...has he ever hit you or forced you?”
I shake my head. “No. He was just upset. He wanted me to go with him. It’s no big deal. I was trying to break up with him anyway.”
“Right.” East drops his arms, and I immediately miss his touch. I’m sick in the head and going to hell because Darin had things partially right. I do want East. He just doesn’t want me.
I follow him to the truck, and he opens the passenger side door for me. I pause and slip my graduation gown off. I toss it, my diploma, and cap in the backseat. East is getting in the driver’s side. He looks over at me. His throat bobs and his chest hitches. Our eyes meet and he smiles.
“Missed you, Wylla Mae.” The deep grit of his voice rakes over me, and I shiver at the sound.
“I missed you too. Thank you for coming.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it.” He reaches across the seat and my breath catches in my throat. I can’t breathe. I don’t know what he’s doing until he goes for the glovebox. “Almost forgot.” He produces a black envelope and a small box. “I got you a little something, but you can’t open it until after dessert.”
“That’s totally not fair.”
The items drop into my lap. “Have some patience. The anticipation will be worth the wait.”
I shake my head and pick at the corners of the envelope as he starts up the truck.
“Buckle up.”
The radio starts blaring classic rock, and I lay my head back gripped by the sensation all is right in my world for the first time since he went away. I wish East would just keep driving and we could go somewhere far away from here. Where no one knew us. Where no one would judge us.
There’s this electric current buzzing between us, and I wonder if he picks up on the sensation too.