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“No one is gonna hurt you. Not on my watch. Never again.”
I sit on the edge of the worn bed and suck in a breath, the scent of his earthy cologne hits my nose. James’s words sound pretty but all they are is a beautiful lie. “You can’t promise me something you can’t guarantee. I was raped in your house. And it’s not your fault it’s mine.”
Going to his knees, he kneels before me. “Lex, sweetheart. It’s not your fault. Don’t you dare fucking blame yourself for what happened to you. I said I’m gonna handle it.”
I nod. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I wish I could believe him, but I played with fire and I got burned. I paid the price for being stupid. One mistake. One loser. Now look at me. “I actually thought Todd liked me at first. That he was gonna save me from the prison I live in at home.”
“Are things really that bad at home with your folks?”
“You have no idea. I’d rather live in a box than go back there. What do you think my father will do if he finds out his perfect little angel went and got herself raped by not one but two drug dealing losers? He’ll never let me back home. I might as well jump off a bridge. My life is over now. I fucked everything up. I ruin everything. Everyone thinks I have it all. I’m popular at school. I make good grades. But no matter what I do I’m never good enough for my parents. Even Rochelle is only my friend because she feels sorry for me. She knows I’m no good. You see it. You know I’ve got bad in me. Who’s gonna want me now?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“What?”
“Lex, look at me.” I meet his gaze. His chocolate eyes burning with such intensity I could melt into the bed. “You know you’re beautiful. Got a mouth on you but one day...” he trails off, his gaze fixated on my lips. Trailing his fingers along my jaw he stops suddenly and gets to his feet. “Go to sleep. When you wake up, I want that other name.”
“Sleep?” I laugh. “You think I can sleep. Whenever I close my eyes, I see them. I smell them. I hear them grunting. I feel their heavy weight pressing me down on the floor. I can still feel the carpet burning my stomach.” I swipe a finger under my eye and lick my lips. “I’ll never sleep again.”
He shifts from foot to foot then sighs before settling on the bed. Laying back on the thin pillow he holds an arm out. “C’mere.”
I stare at the skulls and roses covering his chest, getting hypnotized by the tattooed pattern.
“C’mere. I’ll keep you safe. You can trust me, Alexa. I know you have no reason to because I’ve already let you down once, but I swear to you I won’t fail you now.”
I fall into his hold. My head to his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. Concentrating on the way his touch doesn’t scare me. Centering on the fact that I’ve never felt safer than I do right now in this man’s arms. I want to fade into nothing. Roll back time and disappear before all the bad. I thought I’d be safe at Rochelle’s because her father is a man with the road name Murder. I mean no one would fuck with someone with ties to a man like that. Not if they were smart.
I was wrong.
“You breathe a word of this and you’re dead.” The man who came in while Todd was assaulting me taunted me repeatedly as he joined in on the torture. I passed out somewhere along the way, and when I woke up blood was crusted to my thighs and everything hurt. The other man had left but Todd was still there, waiting for me. “You’re lucky you aren’t dead.”
Tense and wound up my body aches at the memory. I feel dead inside.
James strokes his rough fingers along the length of my arm. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath. I want you to imagine your happy place.”
“I don’t have one of those.”
“Everyone has one.”
“What’s yours?”
“My happy place is the open road. Me and my motorcycle, leaving the rest of the world behind.”
“That sounds good to me. Can I borrow your happy place?”
“All right then. Picture that you’re riding on my motorcycle with me. Your arms are tight around me. The wind blowing through your hair. It’s a bright and sunny day. Not a cloud for miles. Just you, me, and the open road. The fresh air burns through your lungs. The vibration of the ride hums through your veins.”
I stare up at him as he continues to vividly paint my escape. His words becoming lost on me. I only see him and hear the steady rhythm of his heart pulsing between us replacing the sound of his motorcycle. The warmth of his body pressing into mine replacing the sunshine. The safety of those strong arms shielding me from every bad thing that’s ever happened to me. We exist in a world that only we know. There’s only us, and no one can hurt me now.
As long as I have James, I don’t need anyone else.
“Better?” he glances down at me once he’s realized I’m no longer crying.
“A little.”
“You should think about talking to someone and getting looked over by a doctor.”
“No.” I jerk away from him. “You promised. No one will know.”
“You on birth control?”
I shake my head and the tears return. I know where this conversation is going. “My father won’t allow it. Says I’ll just go around spreading my legs. He doesn’t even believe in tampons.” I shrug.
“I can get you a morning after pill, but I don’t know how effective it’d be.”
I gulp and cradle my stomach. “Do you think I’m pregnant?”
“Can’t say for sure, but you should be concerned about it.”
“What am I gonna do?”
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I’ll do what I can to help you. What about your mother?”
“She goes along with whatever my father wants. In their eye’s abortion is a sin. If I told them they’d say I’ve gotten what girls like me get. I can’t go back there.”
“Gotta be smart. They’ll call you a runaway, and if they think I’m involved—Fuck.”
“I could get a job and pay rent. I can take care of myself.”
“You gotta go home.”
“Didn’t you hear anything I said.” I shove his chest and he wraps those big arms around me. The scent of his cologne hits me, and my insides go all gooey like the center of a fresh baked cookie.
“I heard every damn word. Now hear me. You don’t know if you’re pregnant, but there’s other shit you gotta think about. Like STDs. Did they use protection?”
“I don’t...I don’t know. I think so. I remember seeing a wrapper on the floor.”
“That’s good, but darlin’, you gotta get checked out. I’ll drive you myself if you promise me, you’ll go back to your folks for a little while. They need to know you’re okay.”
Chill bumps fan up and down my arms. I know he’s right. Oh God. What if I’m pregnant and diseased? My life is over. I’m ruined.
“Get out of that dark headspace.”
“My life is over.”
“No. It’s not.”
“You don’t know that. You know how it is around here. Once everyone knows...it’s all anyone will think about when they look at me.”
“People will believe what you want them to believe.”
“You think so?”
“Know it.”
“Okay. What do you see when you look at me?”
James studies me closely, staring so intently I’m certain he sees straight to my soul. “You’re scared. A bit lost, but you’re also resilient.” A shiver passes through me.
“How’d you get the name Murder?”
“It’s a secret.”
I roll my eyes and the corners of his mouth twitches. “There’s that fire.”
“What?”
“Nuttin’. You really want to know how I earned my name?”
“Tell me,” I demand, snuggling deeper into his side.
“Fuck. I tell you this it stays between us. Yeah? I know your secret and you’ll know mine.”
I yawn. “Sounds fair enough.”
“Right.” He chuckles and the sound warms me to the core. He has this deep raspy laugh. One that sounds like he’s smoked too many cigarettes or like a cowboy in one of the old westerns my father watches all the time.
“I killed a man.”
“Okay...and?”
“And what?”
“Where’s the rest of the story?”
His cell phone goes off, and he slides his arm from around me. “Another time. Get some sleep. In the morning we’re going for a ride.” James rolls over me and off the bed, going to his feet as he answers the call. “Lo. Where the fuck have you been?”
I stare at his back taking in the Royal Bastards MC insignia covering most of his skin. He’s a beautiful man. Ruthie doesn’t deserve him. I don’t either, but I want him.