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The truck rolls to a stop outside of a quaint white sided house. “Wait here,” James tells me, so I stay put.
An older woman exits the front door and meets him on the cement steppingstones leading to the porch. She looks like a grandmother type. Silver hair styled in curls tight to her scalp. He greets her with a kiss to each cheek, and she pats him on the shoulder as she glances toward the truck at me.
James turns around and motions me to get out. I don’t want to, but I trust him. He’s the only person I can trust.
“Lex, this is an old family friend.”
She gives him a pointed look. “Who you calling old? Call me Anna.”
“Nice to meet you,” I lie through my teeth. She may be the nicest lady in the world, but right now I don’t want to be around anyone other than James. He makes me feel safe.
“Lily is out at the barn.”
“You go with Anna. She’ll take good care of you. I’ll catch up in a bit.” He stalks off before I can ask who Lily is.
“I understand you’ve been through an ordeal.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m comfortable discussing this with you.”
“Of course not.” She wraps an arm around my shoulders and leads me into her house. I follow the woman into the living room. The décor is far from what I expected. I guess I expected the inside to look like my grandma’s house. Old lace doilies, pictures, and knickknacks. Big fluffy pillows and fuzzy blankets are thrown over bean bag type chairs that form a circle. Some are occupied by other young women. Some don’t acknowledge me at all while others stare at me as though they know every dirty detail and it hits me. The pain in their eyes and worn on their long faces. Chill bumps fan up and down my arms. They know because my story is their story. I suck in a breath and fight back the tears threatening to spill.
“In here.” Her hand moves to the small of my back and she guides me into a private exam room. “Have a seat up here.” She pats the table. “I’m gonna take a sample of your blood and urine to run some simple tests.”
I sit quietly as she sterilizes her hands and puts some gloves on to take a few vials of blood. I look away. The sight of my own blood conjures images I don’t want to remember.
“I’m gonna ask you to step into the bathroom and pee in this cup.”
I nod, slide off the table, and accept the cup.
The bathroom is small and serves its purpose. I hurry to get the whole thing over with. The sooner I can leave the better. I finish up and place the cap on the cup and leave it on the tray that sits on the back of the toilet.
I return to the exam room and fold my arms over my chest. “What is this place?”
“Lily’s Hope. We’re a private center for women who’ve been the victim of abuse. You don’t have to share your story if you aren’t ready, but I need you to fill out this form and be as honest as you can so I know how best to serve you.” Anna opens a drawer and takes out a clipboard that already has the form and a pen attached to it.
“How do you know James?”
“Lily is his sister. She founded this place years ago.”
This piece of information surprises me. I’ve never heard Rochelle mention having an Aunt Lily before. I take the clipboard and a seat on the exam table. I stare frozenly at the questionnaire. The first question is a punch to the gut.
Are you pregnant? Yes No Not sure
My hand trembles as I grip the pen and circle not sure. On to question two. When was the last time you were sexually active?
My thoughts go to that nightmarish night. The night I was attacked and brutally raped on the floor of my best friend’s living room. The back of my throat burns, growing tight. Tears gather in the creases of my eyes. I can’t breathe. I drop the clipboard and run out of the room. Out of that house full of knowing stares. It’s all too much. I can’t do it. I run not caring where I’m running to. I just need air. I run through the garden until I nearly go face first into a tree. I brace my palms on the bark and slide down to the grass, wrapping my arms around my knees. Hard sobs shake my chest and bubble in my throat.
I was raped. I let the words settle in and take root. They violated my body. I had trusted Todd. When he lashed out I had him drop me off at Rochelle’s thinking I’d be safe there. I never in a million years thought it could happen to me. I thought I was in control. I was stupid. I swipe at my tears. I hate him. The man, that sick man. A shiver courses up my spine. He was much older. That much I know. A tattoo flashes in my memory. A lion’s head on his hand.
I didn’t even see his face, but I remember his voice and his breath hot on my neck.
“Hey.” James touches my shoulder.
I shrug him away. I can’t stand to be touched right now not even by him. I cry harder. “What’s wrong with me? Why did they do that to me?”
“Lex, honey,” he speaks softly and squats in front of me. “Come back to the house. Anna can help you. She has experience with this.”
“They all know. You didn’t see how they looked at me. I’m so dirty.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I can feel their touch. My skin crawls with their fingerprints. Their breath clings to my skin. I just want it to stop. Make it go away. Please?” I glance up at him, but I can’t see him through my tears. Gently he urges me to my feet and lifts me into his arms, cradling me like a child. I curl into his neck and breathe him in as he carries me toward his truck.
I close my eyes as he maneuvers to get me back in the seat. I feel the seat belt slide over my chest and relief floods me. The door closes, and I hear murmured voices, but I can’t look or make out what is said. The driver’s side door opens, and I lay my head back as the truck starts.
Tears continue to slide down my cheeks. My body itches all over. Like billions of tiny insects are attacking me and injecting me with venom. “You’re lucky you aren’t dead,” Todd’s warning echoes through my thoughts like a broken record or one of those annoying radio advertising jingles that get stuck in your head for hours.
I’m not sure how much time passes or how far James drives until the truck eventually stops.
“I’ll be back in a second,” I hear him tell me, but I don’t acknowledge him. It’s hard to even breathe right now. Minutes pass, and he’s back in the truck, but he doesn’t drive far before he’s climbing back out and coming to my side. The passenger door opens, the seat belt clicks and slides off my chest. “Pretty girl, need you to open those eyes and look at me and listen.” He pinches my chin. “Lex. Gimme’ them eyes, babe.”
As dead and numb I feel hearing him call me babe has me opening my eyes to look at him. His face softens, and he loosens his hold but doesn’t drop his hand away.
“I will never understand the hurt you feel. But I need you to trust me when I say I went through this with my sister. It’s why I went to prison. I killed the fucker who beat and raped her. You didn’t meet her today because I didn’t think you were ready to see her. She’s got permanent scars, babe. They run deep, but she survived, and I bled that piece of shit out. Got no regrets about it even though it cost me a lot of time with my baby girl. I’d do it again. You feel dirty but you’re breathing. You’re still here, and I promise you they won’t be walking on this earth much longer. I’ll give you that peace of mind.”
I don’t say anything, but I hold his gaze. I see the conviction in his eyes. He means every word. It’s not bullshit he’s feeding me. James is the only person who doesn’t lie to me or treat me as though I’m stupid.
“You aren’t ready to face this shit. I get that. I don’t want to force you, but I got you a room. You can shower or take a nap, get yourself together. I’ll get us some food and we can talk when you’re ready.” His lips press to my forehead.
I pull away. “You shouldn’t want to touch me. I’m ruined.”
“Stop that shit. There’s not a damn thing spoiled or sour about you, Alexa. God damn, sweetheart. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. I mean that. The day I first laid eyes on you I knew you’d been sent here to torture me.”
“What?”
“I have thoughts and feelings. Fuck.” He drops his hand and I miss his touch. “Shouldn’t be saying this shit right now or at all.” He shakes his head and steps back. “Come on. Let me take care of you.”
I nod and get out of the truck. He takes me into a motel room and goes straight to the bathroom sink and gets a cup of water. Tucking two pills in the palm of my hand he says, “Take these. It’s antibiotics just in case.”
I take one look at the pills and toss them down my throat and gulp the water to chase it down.
“Good girl. Go on and get in the shower I’ll bring your bag in and leave it outside the bathroom then I’ll go down a few blocks and grab some food. Sound good?”
“Okay.” James goes out to get my bag and I go to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. The room isn’t all that great or clean, but neither am I for that matter. I twist the knobs turning the water as hot as it will go. I strip out of my clothes as steam fills the small room. I don’t know if James has brought my bag in or not. Standing in my bra and panties I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I want to cry at the girl I see looking back at me. Bruised and battered but like he said I’m still breathing. The mirror fogs up and my reflection disappears.
Bile rises up the back of my throat, and I drop to my knees throwing up violently. My chest heaves as I choke on my snot, tears, and vomit.
A light knock taps against the bathroom door.
“Lex, you decent?”
“It’s unlocked,” I tell him.
The door opens. “Oh shit. Sorry. Thought to you said it was cool.” He holds a hand over his face.
“It’s fine. No different than a bathing suit, right?” I shrug.
“Guess not. I was just gonna ask what you want to eat.”
“I can’t eat. I can’t even find the energy to step into the shower.”
He moves behind me and fiddles with the water temperature. “You got it hot enough to peel your damn skin off.”
“That’s kind of the point.”
I glance at what he’s doing and see him changing the flow from the shower to the tub and putting the plug in. “C’mon. Get in.”
I nod and start sliding my bra straps down my arms. James stops me. “Leave that on.”
“What for?”
“Because I decided you don’t need to be alone right now, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
I slide down into the tub. The warm water covers my legs, and I lay my head back on the tiles. James unwraps the complimentary soap and a washcloth. He wets both then lathers the soap on the cloth. Touching me light as a feather he takes his time washing my sins away, but I’ll never be fully clean.
I’ll never be free of the memories that haunt me.
“You can’t see it now, but you’re gonna be okay.”
“I’m not your sister.”
“I know that, Lex. There’s nothing brotherly about the way I feel about you.”
“What, you see me like Rochelle?”
“Cut the shit out. We both know what’s growing between us even if it can never happen.”
“James.” I grab his arm.
“What?” he drops the washcloth and pulls away.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.”
He leaves me alone with so many thoughts swirling in my head. I’m trying to push away the bad and hold on to the hope he just gave me.
“We both know what’s growing between us.” Yeah, I do. He doesn’t see me as dirty. He wants me still even after...
Faith in him blooms in my chest. I sink down into the water and wet my hair.