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I arrive back at the room with the food and find Alexa sitting on the edge of the bed wrapped in a thin towel with the air conditioner blowing. Jesus. “It’s freezing in here. What the hell are you doing?” I sit the food and drinks on the table then proceed to turn off the AC.
“If I can’t burn their touch away maybe I can freeze it.”
I go to my knees and take her trembling hands in mine. “I’d take it away. Make you numb to it if I could.”
“There’s one way you can make it go away.” Her teeth chatter as she speaks.
“And how’s that? I’ll do my best to do whatever it takes.”
Alexa holds my gaze. “Make me forget. Show me that not all men are bad and hurt. That sex doesn’t equal pain.”
My throat bobs as I swallow hard. “Can’t do that, Lex. One day when you’re older and wiser you’ll find a man who will treat you the way he ought to. Sex doesn’t equal pain, but it should come from a place of love and not just need. You’re hurting now, but in time you’ll fall in love.”
She jerks from my hold. “Don’t feed me that love bullshit. You don’t love your wife, but you still fuck her.”
“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what you’re talking about. If I touched you right now, I’d be just as bad if not worse than the scum who hurt you. I’m not that man. I won’t be that guy.”
“I’m giving you permission.”
“You’re hurting. You don’t know what you want right now. You’re lost.”
“You said you’d do whatever it takes. So I’m begging you.” Alexa grabs my hand, bringing it to her chest, flattening the palm over her heart. “Do whatever it takes. Make it go away. Fix me. I don’t want to feel this way forever. Please. I don’t want to remember. Give me something to replace those thoughts.”
I drop my forehead against hers. “I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t.”
“Yeah,” I whisper the words against her lips, getting a taste of heaven and hell before I pull away. “You need to get some food in you.”
“I’m not hungry.”
I go over to the table and start putting the food out. Greasy burgers and fries. “You like chocolate milkshakes?”
“Sure.”
“Get some clothes on. I got one with your name on it with whip cream and a cherry on top.” I don’t wait for her to do as she’s told. I pull out a chair and start eating. At some point the bathroom door closes and opens again. I glance up from my food and see Alexa sitting across from me picking at her fries in her same clothes from earlier. “When we get back, I’m gonna drop you at the house with Rochelle. It’s up to you if you want to tell her anything or not about what happened to you, but I’m paying a visit to your old man and setting some shit straight.”
“No offense but you can’t expect me to want to go back to the scene of the crime.”
Fuck. She’s right. I didn’t even think about that. “Well I’ll take you back to the safehouse or get you another room until I figure out our next move. Shit is complicated.”
“Do we have to go back today? Can’t we just stay here?”
“Make you a deal. You give me that other name, and I’ll wait till morning before we go back.”
“I don’t know his name, but I do remember something about him.”
“What?”
“A tattoo. Um...on his hand. A lion’s head in color with a big fancy crown like one a king would wear.”
My stomach drops. “Anything else?”
She nods her head and takes a sip of her milkshake. “I know the sound of his voice and he smelled like um tobacco and a cough drop.”
“Menthol,” I growl.
“I guess. So, can we stay here for the night? A deal is a deal, right?”
“Gave you my word. Stay here, I need to make a call.” I push my chair back and step outside. I call Ruthie. I need to check in. And I need to remind myself why I can’t go off the rails. “I know you’re pissed, but I’m gonna be out another night. We got a lot to talk about.”
“I want a divorce, James.”
“Now isn’t the time for this shit.”
“I met someone.”
I grip the phone tighter. “You been stepping out on me? The fuck, Ruthie?”
“Neither of us are happy.”
She’s got that right. “How long has this shit been going on behind my back?” I snarl. Some things with this bitch never change.
“We’ll talk when you get back. We’ll figure out custody of Rochelle.”
“You’re not taking her any-damn-where.”
“I don’t want to fight. The right thing for you to do is give me the house.”
“Not having this conversation right now. But this is totally fucked. You know it, and I know it. You saying you’re done with me?”
“Yeah. We tried. It didn’t work. I want out.”
“Then you’re out. And so am I.” I hang up on her and shut my phone off. God damn her. Fucking cunt. I kick the side of the vending machine and fucking pop can falls out the slot. I go back to the room and sit the can of pop on the table. Alexa is eating the rest of her food and as pissed as I am it brings a smile to my face.
“When you’re done with that, you need to take this.” I slide the pregnancy test out the bag that Anna gave me.
“I don’t want to know.”
“Gotta take the test so you can figure out what you want, Lex.”
She gulps. “Fine. I’ll do it now.”
I hand the test over as she slides out her chair. Her fingers brush against mine, and I feel her touch so deeply it takes my breath away.
Alexa goes into the bathroom, and I wait impatiently as the minutes tick by.
Fucking hell I hope she isn’t pregnant. A baby is the last thing she needs in her life.
The bathroom door opens and Alexa smiles at me big and wide holding up the test. “Negative.”
“I got something I gotta do. Lock the door behind me. Don’t open the door to anyone and don’t leave this room. Got me?”
“I got you.”
“Good.” I hold her gaze and see she will be okay while I step out for a bit to let off some steam. I climb in the truck and throw my head back. Fuck. I punch the steering wheel. Ruthie met someone. I shake my head. Been faithful since we got together. Sure, I thought about it a few times, but I always put the needs of my family—of my club first. What’s it gotten me? A cheating wife. A knife twisted in my heart. Gave her everything. Stuck with her for the sake of her reputation and for my kid. Stupid cunt. Fucking Ruthie. Story of my life. The bitch has been nothing but a thorn in my side since the day we met.
I’m so fucking done with all this shit. Living a life I don’t even recognize anymore. Ruthie has the power to destroy me and take away my freedom if she chooses to do so. I’ve done shit I’m not proud of. I fucked up big when I got released from prison. I don’t know what game Ruthie is playing, but I know she’ll never stop holding the past over my head. I don’t give a fuck what she says. Divorce or not she’ll use what I did to get her way no matter what.
The fucked up thing is I should take her out, but she swears if anything happens to her then she has insurance in place to make sure everyone finds out what I did.
I drive to the nearest liquor store and buy a bottle of whiskey. Back in the truck I open the bottle and chug. Every argument Ruthie and I’ve had lately plays in my head on an endless loop.
Anna gives me a ring. The tests she did for Alexa came back negative too. Some of the STD panels will take a few days, but she thinks she will be fine with the antibiotics I gave her.
I drive around aimlessly, the liquor burning the back of my throat until I can no longer think straight. I shouldn’t be driving. I should be home worrying about my daughter, but the last place I want to be is anywhere near my cunt wife. I try to be quiet when I return to the room, nearly tripping over my own feet. Alexa is curled up on top of the covers in the fetal position.
“She sleeps,” I mutter to myself and drop to the floor after nabbing the remote control for the Tv off the nightstand. I flip through the channels and stop on some old slasher film.
“You’re back,” Alexa whispers in my ear, her warm breath fanning along my neck.
“Yup. Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I wasn’t asleep.”
I take a hard pull off the bottle of Jack and light up a cigarette.
“You okay?”
I laugh at her question. “Nope.”
“Anything I can do?”
“Put a bullet in my head.”
“Don’t say shit like that. It’s not funny.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.”
“I don’t think you’re an asshole. You’re one of the best people I know.”
I snort. “Must not get out much then. You should meet new people.”
“Can I have a drink of that?”
I glance up at her as she kneels at the end of the bed staring down at me, her tits practically spilling out of her top but what gets me is the longing in her eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Why not? Have at it.”
Alexa takes the bottle from my hand, her fingers sliding over mine, an electric current passing between us. I move from the floor and go to the bathroom to put my cigarette out. I’m fucking beat. Exhaustion both mental and physical of the past day is wearing on me. I kick off my boots and shrug off my cut then my shirt. I lock the door and take a quick shower hoping it’ll make me feel better, but it doesn’t. After I start to go crawl in bed but remember I’m not alone. I pull my jeans back on and open the door.
Alexa is sitting in the same spot nursing the rest of my bottle of Jack looking beautifully broken. An avenging angel. My personal hell is being here in this room with her. Wanting her and unable to have her.
“Don’t make yourself sick,” I tell her as I flop onto the bed and curl an arm around one of the pillows. I know us being here is a bad idea, but I’m in no shape to drive. I need sleep. I close my eyes and feel her shifting on the bed, her sweet scent moving closer.
“Did something happen?” her liquor stained breath washes over my face. Intoxicating and tempting. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Nothing for you to concern yourself about.”
“You’re upset.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
Her soft lips brush against mine. “It matters to me.”
“Don’t,” I breathe out the word, her lips still touching mine but unmoving. Fuck me. I’m going to hell because there’s never been anything sweeter than her in this moment. How can she be hurting the way that she is and still have it in her to care about a sorry fuck like me? “I don’t deserve your sweetness.”
“Says who?” Those torturous lips move against mine, and I don’t stop it. I should, but I’m tired of doing the right thing and getting kicked in the teeth for it. “Let me take it away. Whatever is eating you. You’ll take my pain, and I’ll take yours, yeah?”
If I were a better man, I’d push her away. I’d drive her straight home and never look back, but I’m not a good man. I’m a fuckin’ bastard, and I’m taking what I want. Why should I deny myself of this one guilty pleasure? Alexa parts her lips, opening to me, and I delve my tongue inside, tasting her passion but most of all her pain. The sweetest and deadliest sin. I stroke my fingers along her jaw and through her hair, getting swept away, consumed by one broken girl who can heal me and destroy me with one kiss.
Pulse pounding in my ears, I roll over top her, taking everything she’s willing to give not caring that I’ve crossed a line neither of us will ever come back from. Threading our fingers together I hold Alexa’s hands over her head, peppering kisses down the slender column of her throat.
“Nothing good will come of this.”
“I don’t need good or love, James. Not tonight. I just want to forget even if it’s only for a little while.”
“Me too,” I rasp, getting lost in the sensation building up inside me and between us, feeling the flames of hell ready to welcome me home because the temptation of her is far too great to resist.