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I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. She’s gone. Both of them are. It’s all my fault. I did this. I killed Rochelle and Colter. I heard them as I was being loaded into the back of the ambulance. One survivor. Minor injuries. The seat belt saved my life. I’m alive and they’re dead.
“Alexa, honey.” My head snaps up at the sound of my mom’s voice. The curtain to my bed in the ER is drawn back. “Sweetheart.” She rushes toward me, and I wrap my arms around her.
“She’s gone, Mommy. I killed her. I killed my best friend.”
“Shhh,” she shushes me and kisses my forehead next to my bandage. I think it’s the only real affection my mother has shown me in years. “You did no such thing. You weren’t even driving. None of this can be pinned on you.”
“Colter...Rochelle. They were mad at me.” I cry harder. Snot bubbles out my nostrils. “It’s all my fault. I killed them. Why didn’t I die too? I should be dead. Not them.”
“Can’t you give her something to calm her down?” I hear her murmur to someone.
I curl up in a ball on the hospital bed and pray for God to take me too. This has to be a bad dream. It can’t be real. My best friend can’t be gone. She just can’t be. Every time I hear footsteps I look to the crack where my curtain is pulled watching for her shoes. It’s always a nurse or someone here for another patient. My mom had to go fill out paperwork for the insurance or whatever. I keep praying she’s going to come back any second now and tell me there was a mistake. That Rochelle and Colter will be fine. That they are here too, and I can see them any minute now.
Heavy footsteps sound in the corridor. I can sense him before I see his riding boots through the crack. James is here. How do I face him right now? How do I look this man I love more than my own life in the eyes and tell him that it’s my fault his daughter is gone? I hold my breath waiting for him to open the curtain and tell me he hates me. That he wishes it were me who died in Rochelle’s place. It’s my greatest fear—losing him for good, and it’s about to come to fruition.
The curtain is yanked back but it isn’t James. “I was sent to check on you. You need anything?”
I shake my head. “How...” I struggle to find the words.
“Not good, but he did ask me to make sure you were okay.”
“Okay.” I laugh bitterly. “My best friend is dead, Nickel. Nothing is okay. It should’ve been me.”
The handsome man blows out a breath. Colorful tattoos snake up his arms.
“What are you doing here?” I hear my mother question as she enters behind him.
“Ruthie asked me to see how Alexa is.”
“Can you take me to them?”
“You’re not going anywhere, young lady. Not until I speak with the doctor.”
Nickel shoots me a wink and steps out. I’m sure he was sent as my bodyguard or to make sure I don’t take off. Maybe both. Perhaps he’s here to kill me for what I’ve done.
“Does dad know?”
“Your father didn’t want me to come, but you’re my daughter. I tried to raise you right, but you keep going down these dark roads, and I’m not sure what more I can do.”
“Love me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from either of you, but you refuse to give it. Why? Why am I so bad? Why doesn’t anyone love me?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You can’t even say it, can you?”
“Say what?”
“That you love me.” A tear slides down my cheek and drips onto my hospital gown.
“You’re being silly.” She fusses with my blanket, ignoring my question. Blowing off my feelings as though they don’t matter. That I don’t matter. I’ve never mattered in her eyes, and I never will.
“Mom?”
“What?”
“I’d like you to leave.”
“Excuse me?” her brow crinkles revealing the lines etched on her forehead.
The doctor enters the exam room before I can argue with her. “Hello, Miss Neville.” He flips a paper on my chart and smiles at me. “I see you’ve had stitches. Your bloodwork all came back good. You have a mild concussion, but nothing to be concerned about. Everything seems normal with your pregnancy.”
Flames lick up the back of my neck. My mother’s hand goes to her clavicle. I have no doubt if she were wearing pearls, she’d be clutching them now. “Did you say pregnancy?”
He looks to my mother who appears on the verge of passing out. “And who are you?”
“Her mother.” Her head snaps in my direction. “You’re pregnant,” she hisses the word as though it’s toxic.
“Seems so.”
“Is it by that wretched Todd? I knew it. I knew this would happen.” She shakes her head, muttering under her breath about how wicked I am.
“Do you have someone here to drive you home and to look after you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I don’t see any reason to keep you any longer. You’re a very lucky girl.” He hands me my release papers and exits.
“Your father will have a coronary. I don’t know why you continue to pull these stunts.”
I ease off the bed. I’m sore and bruised. I’ve been here for hours. All I want is to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head, and hope that when I wake up this was all some horrible nightmare.
After I change back into my clothes, Nickel is waiting for me, and I’m grateful. I thought my mom showing up might be a good thing for our relationship, but I was mistaken. She’s never going to change. The woman will never see me as anything other than an inconvenience and a failure.
“What are you doing getting yourself twisted up with biker trash? He’s not the father, is he?”
“No, Mother. He’s a friend of Ruthie and James. You know the people who’ve done nothing but take care of me since you and Dad put me out. You don’t even know them.”
“I know enough. They’ll only drag you down with them. There’s no hope for you. You’re a lost little girl who can’t see she’s destroying her life. You’ll ruin everything in your path, including your bastard baby.”
“Hey, lady,” Nickel snarls. “Watch your tongue or I’ll cut it out your mouth after your husband watches you suck my dick.” He grabs his crotch, and I don’t know who appears more mortified her or the nurse who just overheard the exchange.
“Well, I’ve never. Don’t call me again, Alexa.”
“I won’t,” I whisper to her back.
“You okay?”
“You want the honest answer or the universal fine?”
“Right. I brought a cage so no worries about riding on my bike.” Out in the parking lot Nickel helps me into the cab of his truck. “You want to get food or anything?”
I shake my head. “I can’t think about food right now. How are you so calm?”
“I figure it like this. Death is a natural part of life, but my being upset right now won’t help or change anything. What I can do is what my Prez asked of me and that was to make sure you were good and have what you need. I compartmentalize shit.”
“Can I see him?”
“Got orders to take you to your apartment and stay as long as you need me to. I’m sure you can understand that Ruthie is losing her shit and your man ain’t in the headspace for anything or anyone right now. That includes you.”
I nod. It’s probably for the best I don’t see him or Ruthie for that matter right now. Because once I do, he will hate me forever.