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Tears blur my vision. My chest constricts. I find it hard to breathe, but I know I have to tell him. I have to tell James everything even if it means I will lose him forever. It’s what I deserve after what I did. “I need you to know I never wanted to hurt you. Rochelle. Hell, not even Ruthie. She’s been good to me, and I don’t deserve her kindness. I don’t deserve you, but I love you, James. I love you so much that it makes me physically sick and thought of losing you...I wish I had died tonight. I don’t know why God didn’t take me instead. Maybe there is no God.”
“Lex,” he starts, but I press my finger to his lips, and he kisses the tip.
“Please listen. I need to say this.”
He stares at me long and hard, and I can’t find the words I need to say to him. My heart is going to beat out of my chest.
“Easy. Breathe. You being this upset isn’t good for the baby.” He blows out a whoosh of air. “Let it wait till morning. I think we’ve both had enough bad for one day. Whatever you want to tell me I sense it’s nothing good. Nothing I’m gonna want to hear. It won’t change the fact that my daughter is laying on a metal slab at the funeral home. Won’t change the fact that Papa has to bury his son. I don’t know if there’s a God, but never wish yourself dead, Lex. Not for me or anyone. Tomorrow I have to make arrangements for Rochelle. Tonight I need you to be you. Be strong for me. Need you to make everything else disappear in the way only you are capable of. I need you, pretty girl. I need you to remind me that I have something worth fighting for.”
His hand slides to my hip then curves to the shape of my stomach. Our lips meet, tongues connecting in a slow dance that only we know the steps to. Nothing or no one can bring me to life like he can. His warmth washes over me giving me false hope that we can survive this.
“Even on the worst fucking day of my life all I wanted is you, babe. Couldn’t get to you fast enough.”
“You shouldn’t want me. You should hate me, and you will. You’re going to leave me. You won’t want me or this baby. You’ll stop loving me.”
“Stop pushing me away, Lex. You asked me to take your pain away now I’m asking you to do the same.” He swipes his fingers along my cheeks then kisses the last of my tears away.
“You give me too much credit.”
Hooking his thumbs along the waistline of my panties, jerking the white lace over my thighs in one swift motion he says, “Need you skin to skin.” My tank top is pulled up over my head and tossed to the floor.
“However you want me, I’m yours.” I help my shattered man out of his clothes. I’ve never seen him like this, and it’s all my fault. The sight of his broken spirit nearly kills me. It’s my fault. All of it. Him. Us. Ruthie. Rochelle. Colter. All the hurt leads straight back to me. I destroy everyone I love.
“Want to bury myself so deep inside you I disappear,” he whispers into my ear, teeth sliding against the shell. I want it more than he knows. To disappear. For us to get lost and never find our way back.
“Follow me into the dark and leave all your troubles behind.” I brush my lips over his.
“Let me lose myself in you for a few hours.” Dragging his lips down my throat, he nips the thin skin there with his teeth, and I scratch my nails down his back. We do our best to crawl inside one another to escape our heartache.
Hot, thick, and rock hard, James guides his cock inside me. I gasp at the welcomed intrusion. He doesn’t move. His gaze meets mine, tortured and uncertain of what the future holds.
“Don’t talk. Just listen.” He caps a palm to my lips. “I know I’ve had a fucked up way of showing it, but I do love you, Alexa. I love you more than I can ever show you. I’m in a bad way. My head is in a dark place. I’m gonna say and do shit I don’t mean. I’m gonna hurt you, baby. I don’t want to, but I will. I’m angry at the world. I want to watch it burn.” He removes his hand.
“I’ll give you the match,” I promise, and he has no idea how true my words are. When I tell him what happened, I’ll be first on his list. The thought of losing him terrifies me, but we’ll always have tonight. Our love will live on forever in our baby and in my heart. A tear escapes, rolling down my cheek.
“Don’t cry, pretty girl.”
“I wish you hadn’t done that.”
“What’s that?” He slides out and back in slowly, rolling his hips in the most delicious way.
“Told me you love me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m never going to be able to keep you.” I slide my palm down his neck to rest over his heart. “It hurts. The thought of you not belonging to me and not wanting me. It’s killing me. I won’t survive if you leave me.”
Threading his fingers through mine, he brings my palm to his lips, kissing the soft contours. “I ache for the day I get to truly make you mine, Lex, but right now I’m no good to no one. Not you. Not my club. I’ve failed everyone. But I needed you to know the way I feel about you. No more words. I’m gonna show you.”
His tortured soul mates with mine. Fevered kisses. Broken promises painted and fractured on my skin with the imprints of his teeth. Body moving with mine like the whisperings of poetry in a darkened alley between forbidden lovers. We are one. The rest of the world forgotten. Nothing else matters but this. Tonight. Us. Our love.
My biker making love to me like only he can.
Skin ablaze he takes me in every position I’ve ever imagined while discovering new ones I want to experience over and over again with him. Only ever him. Every I love you that leaves his mouth is a blade stabbing into my heart. My sins bleed out through my sweat begging to be unleashed onto the world. Soul aching, I cry out his name. The bitter truth daring to drip off the tip of my tongue slow like honey.
“Fuck yeah,” he grunts, hammering me into the mattress. The headboard knocks against the wall. James grabs my pillow and places it between the two to stop the noise. With slow, deep, punishing strokes he regains his torturous rhythm, dragging me to the edge of my orgasm and snatching it away again. Over and over again.
He will be the death of me because this man will haunt me forever.
His heavy breaths. The airy scent of his cologne and leather. Liquor and smoke flavored kisses. The erratic tempo of his heartbeat when he makes love to me. But most of all the way he looks at me with those dark, feral, hungry eyes.
Flipping me to my stomach, he positions me, face down, ass up. Slap. A hand connects with my left ass cheek, curving to the stinging globe with raw possession. “Come for your man, Lex.” Gripping my hips, he thrusts deep and hard hitting me in the right spot continuously until I shatter beneath him. “That’s it, baby. Give it to me. Let go.” I give it all to him, my love, pleasure, and pain.
Flexing his hips, surging forward, driving into me relentlessly he soon follows, painting the ink of his passion across my backside.
“Know one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any prettier but look at you.” He massages my breasts hugging me from behind. “Fuckin’ thicker. Hips getting wider. Gotta say, I’m loving you pregnant, baby.” Giving me one last kiss between my shoulder blades, he gets off the bed and goes into the bathroom for a towel. “Made a mess of you.” He grins as I stare up at him sideways, supported on one elbow. “Looking picture perfect.” He quickly wipes me then drops back on the bed, tucking me into his side, palm splayed along my ribs.
I wish he could hold me like this forever.
Sliding his hand over my baby bump, he lets out a heavy breath. “You think of a name for the baby yet?”
“I don’t know. Maybe JJ for a boy. For a girl maybe Elodie. I haven’t really given it a lot of thought.”
“Rochelle always wanted a little sister,” he shares, and I freeze. Her name is a slap back into our harsh reality. We escaped it a short while, but we can’t pretend that Rochelle’s not dead and that life is simple. “I wish she’d get the chance to know her brother or sister. To know how happy you make me.”
“She knew,” the words tumble out before I know what I’m saying.
“Knew what?”
I lick my lips, tears already staining my cheeks. “About us. That’s what I wanted to tell you. She kept harping on me to go out with this guy. Tanner. I blew it off as long as possible, and she begged me to go to the party with them. We stopped here since I needed to change, and she offered me a drink of her wine. I declined and said I wasn’t in the mood to drink. Ro started in on me. Making accusations that I wasn’t her friend because I was keeping secrets. She found my prenatal vitamins and I tried to lie. Told her I was taking them for my hair and nails. But you know her. She’s smart and stubborn. A lot like you. We argued about my being pregnant and the identity of the father. Rochelle thought I was sleeping with Colter behind her back. We both denied it, but I couldn’t tell her it was you. I didn’t want to hurt her. She got angry and grabbed Colter’s car keys.”
I stop momentarily to catch my breath. James has gone so quiet and still. His silence scares me, but I know I have to persevere. He needs the truth. All of it. No matter how much it hurts I owe it to him. I owe it to my best friend. “Colter ran after her, and so did I. She got in the driver’s seat. Colter in the passenger. I slid into the back as she was peeling out the driveway. We begged her to pull the car over, but she was so upset and not thinking straight. I don’t know where she got the wine. When Rochelle drinks she gets a mean streak. I swore to her I’d tell her the truth if she’d stop the car, but she kept speeding up until I blurted out your name. She looked at me like she hated me through the rearview mirror.” I’ll never forget that look. “The next thing I knew Colter was jerking the wheel, and in a flash the car went rolling and when it stopped, I think they were already dead. I passed out then help came. You know the rest.” I finish and wait for his response.
A chilling sensation creeps up my spine at the loss of his touch. The bed shifts, and I dare to look over. His back is to me. Head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He’s so silent I can’t stand it. I need him to say something. Anything.
“James.” I crawl toward him and go to wrap my arms around his shoulders, craving his touch.
He flings me back so quickly I nearly go sailing off the other side of the bed. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he growls.
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be.”
I hug my knees to my chest and watch him get dressed. “I know you’re angry.”
“Angry?” he snaps and glares at me with such malice my heart stops beating. The hate shining back at me breaks me into a million tiny pieces. “I could kill you. Snap your neck like a fucking twig, but that’d be too easy. Want you to suffer with the knowledge of what you did. Of what you took away from me. You stupid girl.”
“I know it’s my fault. If I could take it all back I would. I begged God. I promised I’d give you up. That I’d give anything to bring her back. I prayed for him to take me instead. I love you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“Hurt me? You’ve fucking carved out my heart. Stay the fuck away from me. Don’t come to the clubhouse. I don’t want to hear your voice or see your face. You’re dead to me.”
I rush to him. “I love you. You said you loved me. We’re having a baby, James. You can’t just shut me out.”
“Only reason you’re still breathing is because Rochelle loved you. Maybe your father had it right when he said you destroy everything you touch.”
At his words I fall to my knees. He could have said anything to me, and I could’ve taken it but not that. I’ve lost him just as I knew I would but the pain. Nothing could have prepared me for what I’m feeling tonight watching him walk away without so much as a glance back.
Dear God, if you’re listening hear me now. Take me. Kill me because I can’t be in a world where he doesn’t want me. Where he doesn’t love me. I can’t do this without him.