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Months later
I pop the tab on another beer and chug. I glance up when I see Ruthie standing in the way of the Tv. “The fuck do you want?”
“Heard from one of the other cheer moms that Alexa is in labor.”
“And?”
“I thought I’d go check on her. Victoria is such a cold woman. Alexa must need someone there for support.”
“You aren’t to go near there. Stay away from her. You hear me. You go to that hospital and I’ll kill you with my bare hands.”
“Jesus. You’re a nasty drunk. It’s not her fault, James. Rochelle loved her like a sister and what my father did to her...I.”
I sling my can at the wall and Ruthie flinches. “Fuck that bastard. I hope he’s rotting in hell. You’re not Alexa’s mother. If it weren’t for her our daughter would still be here.”
“You can’t know that. You gotta stop this obsession with Rochelle’s death. I know you blame yourself and punishing Alexa is easier, but it won’t bring our daughter back. I miss her too. I lost her too and so did Alexa. You act like you’re the only person allowed to grieve for her, but you’re not alone. Stop pushing everyone away. We all lost her.”
“Fuck you, cunt.”
“Wow. Okay. Fine. You don’t want me to go, I won’t, but you need to stop this. You have a club to run. People depend on you. I depend on you. I need you to act like a man. Sober up and take a damn shower. You stink.” She picks the beer can up and slings it back at me. “I love you, but you’re a real miserable bastard. I don’t know why I keep trying to save this marriage. You’re determined to be wretched and alone. If you aren’t careful, you’ll get your wish. I’m dropping this gift basket off at Alexa’s apartment. I hope when I get back that you’ve got off your ass.”
“You’re not doing a fucking thing for Alexa.” I stumble toward the garage.
“What are you doing?” Ruthie huffs behind me as I glance around for something to put a stop to this bullshit.
Bingo. I grab a sledgehammer and start fucking slinging. Beating the fuck out of Ruthie’s Corvette.
“James! What the serious fucking fuck are you doing?” She screeches behind me, but I block her out.
Filled with rage, images of Rochelle and Alexa dance before my eyes. The windshield cracks splintering into a web pattern like the fragments of what’s left of my heart.
Losing control, I slip off the deep end consumed by violence and regret. I exert all my energy as Ruthie watches from afar unable to stop me.
Visions of Alexa cloud my thoughts. Her gorgeous green eyes. The way she looks at me as though I’m her damn hero. How sweet she tastes. Heaven being inside her and hell living without the temptation of her.
“James. Stop this. Stop it right now,” Ruthie continues to yell.
Bitch is right about one thing. Rochelle is gone and nothing will ever bring her back. I drop to my knees surrounded by the wreckage I’ve created. A wife I hate. Another child coming into this fucked up world. I should be there. No matter how bad shit is between Alexa and me, she shouldn’t be alone. Not for this.
“Call Nickel. Tell him you need a new car.” I drop the sledgehammer with a loud clang.
“You’re in-fucking-sane, you know that?”
“I’ll have a prospect clean this up later.” I get up and walk down the driveway to my bike.
“Where are you going?”
“Got somewhere I need to be.”
Palms sweating, I shut off my bike in the visitor parking lot. I’ve not seen Alexa since the night Rochelle died. If she attended the funeral, I didn’t see her. I know I fucked up, but I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to make it right. I got no business being a father. If I had been a better one to Rochelle, she’d be alive. Papa wouldn’t have lost his only son. Losing Colter completely turned him white headed.
I enter the gift shop and spot a grey teddy bear. I’m a sorry bastard. I don’t know if we’re having a boy or a girl. I pay for the bear and grab a small vase of flowers. It’s not gonna fix us but it’s a start of an apology for not handling shit better when she told me what happened.
Stepping off the elevator to the labor and delivery floor of the hospital I run straight into Victoria. Her mother. Wrinkled old bitch who has probably never had an orgasm in her life.
“You have no business here.”
“I got as much right to be here as anyone if not more than you.”
“Oh, I know all about you. How you took advantage of my daughter when she was weak and in trouble. You preyed on her vulnerability and put these stupid ideas in her head, but you and I both know she deserves better. That you’ll never be the kind of man who will do what’s best for her or this child.”
“You don’t know what Alexa needs. You turned your back on her when she needed you the most.”
“And you think you’re any better than me.” She shakes her head, and I don’t argue because she’s right. I walked out. Treated her just like the rest of them. I hang my head in shame. “You even think of stepping one foot in that room and I’ll make one phone call and see to it that you’re rotting in a cell. Alexa doesn’t want you here. You’re not fit to be a father. If you really care about my daughter, you’ll do the right thing and stay away. I won’t allow you to ruin her life any further. I’ve spoken to a good family. They are prepared to adopt the baby.”
“That what she wants?”
“It is. My lawyer has drawn up the papers. It will all be handled discreetly. No one will ever know you’re the father. I can drop them off to your clubhouse later today. Alexa can move on with her life, and you can go back to being the trash that you are. My husband is willing to look the other way this one time. We can make sure Alexa gets a good education and marries a decent man. One who will provide her everything you can’t give her. Go home to your wife, Mr. Thatcher. Worry about rebuilding your family, and I’ll take care of mine. Look at you.”
“Yeah.” I snarl, staring at my wrecked knuckles, bloody and scabbing over from the damage I did on Ruthie’s car. “Tell me one thing. Boy or girl.”
“If you must know it’s a girl.”
Fuck me. All the air goes whooshing from my lungs. The vase slips from my grip, shattering against the dingy white tile. Without another word I give her what she wants. I leave. She’s right. I can’t be the man Alexa or this kid needs. I don’t have it in me.
Alexa deserves a do over. A fresh start like I tried to give her in the beginning but was too damn selfish to follow through on. This time I’ll be a better man. I’ll do the right thing. I gotta let her go for good.
I drive to the clubhouse and get lost in liquor and easy pussy. I drink myself into oblivion but still no matter who I fuck all I see is her. My pretty girl with her tempting red lips. Those gorgeous green eyes haunt me. All I want is her, but I’m no good. A rotten bastard who will only ever hurt her.
After I fail to fuck away thoughts of Alexa, I stagger down the road to Rochelle’s grave. I drop to my knees in the dirt. A storm brews. Thunder roars in the distance and lightning crashes. Rain pelts against my skin but nothing can wash away my sins. I grip the grass, digging my nails into the soil of the earth.
“I don’t know what to do,” I mutter to the headstone. “I fucked everything up. I let you down, Ro. I wanted to be a good father. I didn’t want to love her, but I wanted her more than anything, and I’ve paid the price for giving in to temptation. I’d give anything to see you just once. To tell you I’m sorry I disappointed you. Give me a sign, princess.” I look up at the dark clouds rolling overhead.
When I don’t get a response, I let out a roaring scream and punch the ground. I’m beaten down and defeated. I don’t know what the hell to do. Maybe Rochelle would have been better off had I not killed Dusty. The man Ruthie moved in when I was in prison. The murder Ruthie helped me cover up. The one she holds over my head.
“James.” Ruthie’s hand touches my shoulder gently.
Fuck. Is this my sign? Is this what you want, Rochelle?
I grab her hand, clutching onto the only person I have left.
“Do you know why I wanted to be with you all them years ago?”
I shake my head. Her words intrigue me. I don’t know why she’s here, but I’m listening.
“Because I knew I could count on you. You’d never let me down. I never told you because I was ashamed, but my father...Alexa wasn’t his only victim. I see a lot of myself in her. Wanting to escape a bad home life. Looking for a hero. I’ve watched the two of you, and I want to believe there’s nothing going on. I’m not blind though. The way she looks at you. She’s in love with you. Maybe it’s all a crush or in my head.”
“There was someone but not her,” I lie.
“If you can say it’s over with whoever she was and that there was nothing between you and Alexa, then I believe you. I don’t think it’s a coincidence we were both drawn here, honey. We’re meant to be together. I knew it all them years ago just like I know it now. You’re best I’ve ever had and all there will ever be for me. Come home with me. Let me take care of you for once.”
Maybe it’s regret or guilt. Maybe it’s all the alcohol fueling me, but I know I need to make a change.