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Playtime: Good, Simple Fun

Play is the work of children.” A version of that quote is attributed to a number of people including noted educator Maria Montessori, and we couldn’t agree more. (We would add that play is just as important for grown-ups.) Everyone needs open, unstructured time to get creative, follow a train of thought, run off energy, and extend his or her imagination beyond the distance of a computer screen or to-do list. We all deserve the freedom of no agenda every now and then.

But we also realize that the prospect of long stretches of empty time (especially with little kids) can be daunting. If left to their own devices, will the kids draw all over the walls? Dig up the backyard? Drive you nuts?

In this chapter, we offer our minimalist take on playtime, both solo and with friends.

You Don’t Have to Play with Your Kids All the Time

While you may be your child’s primary playmate (especially when she’s little), you are not obligated to be available every moment of the day. Togetherness, fun, and bonding are some of the greatest gifts of parenting, but you also have a right to grown-up time. The sooner you give your child an opportunity to experience the wonders of independent play, the happier you’ll both be.

Some kids are naturally flexible—they toddle around the house happily (if messily) keeping themselves busy. For others, it’s a longer-term learning process. Start by keeping interesting toys nearby (say, in the kitchen) and encouraging your child to entertain herself for five minutes while you cook dinner. Keep talking about it being “her” playtime and “your” cooking time, reinforcing the distinction.

As your kids get older, maintain that distinction, setting the expectation that there is time together and time when you need to attend to grown-up business around the house. When you set kind but firm boundaries, your kids will eventually come to accept the implicit understanding that they are responsible for entertaining themselves.

When Laurel was a baby I felt like I needed to engage her every waking moment, which was not the best for her (from an independence-building standpoint) or me. During my maternity leave, I swear I was more exhausted at the end of the day than on the days when I went to work following my leave. I probably was overcompensating for a childhood with very little parental supervision or recreational engagement (e.g., I cannot recall ever having been read to by my parents). This is no knock on my parents—clearly, I turned out okay—it was just the reality of being the sixth of seven children.

With Violet, it’s been so different. Not only am I more laid back and trust that she is getting enriched plenty by everyday life, but there’s also the reality that I now have two kids. So, while I log a good deal of time reading books and singing “Wheels on the Bus” and cheering Violet on as she discovers the wonders of the ring stacker, corn popper, and singing teapot, she has also learned to play on her own.

We have a deep bottom drawer in the kitchen where we keep kid-friendly dishes, cups, and lunch containers. This has become one of Violet’s favorite places to play while I wash dishes, cook dinner, sort mail, or hungrily flip through InStyle when it arrives in the mail. The other day while I was standing at the kitchen counter flipping through said magazine, Violet was—as usual—making a huge mess at my feet, dumping everything out of the drawer. Suddenly, it got quiet and then she started laughing. She had discovered that she could put smaller containers inside of larger containers. I smiled, turned back to my magazine and thought, “Perfect, we’re both happy playing.”

Fewer Toys Equals More Play

The “fewer toys” mantra goes beyond simply clearing household clutter. With fewer toys to distract them or mire them in the “what should I play with now?” decision spiral, kids often find renewed inspiration for creative play.

We live in a condo with a lovely loft on the third level. Half serves as Jon’s man cave and half as guest space/playroom. I loved this space when we first moved in because it meant I now had a place to deposit all the toys I didn’t want to see downstairs.

However, I recently realized that our playroom was tragically wasted real estate. It was messy and cluttered, and every time I went upstairs to think about dealing with it, I felt overwhelmed and went back downstairs. Laurel and her friends would go up, complain that there was nothing to play with (because the mess obscured the toys available), and come back down as well.

Finally, I had had enough. I grabbed two trash bags (one for trash, one for donations) and a paper bag for recycling and was ruthless. It was shocking, but within one hour, I had decluttered and organized the playroom. It looked light, bright, and welcoming.

When Jon and Laurel saw the playroom they were both thrilled. Violet was also psyched to have a new carpeted space to pad around. I organized the toys so that all of the little chokeables were situated on the large built-in ledge space out of Vi’s reach. Everything that was Violet-friendly was contained in different bins (wooden, plastic, soft) on the floor. We set up our card table with a large puzzle for the grown-ups to work on and all of a sudden, the playroom was a fun space for the whole family to enjoy.

Work As Play

We’re not suggesting you pull a fast one by spinning kids’ chores as playtime. But there’s no need to make a big distinction between the two, either. For toddlers and preschoolers especially, household work is fun. Cleaning the table with a washcloth and a small squirt bottle, sweeping the floor, beating cake batter with a hand mixer, spreading cream cheese onto a bagel . . . many kids love to do real, grown-up work, especially when the inherent fun is pointed out. (For more on chores, see chapter 3.)

When I was a kid, yard work always seemed onerous because all we did was remove stuff—weeds, leaves, cut grass, etc. But, oh, the joy of adding. I am not an experienced gardener by any stretch, but the great thing about gardening projects is that they can be as simple or complex as you want them to be depending on your space, motivation, and need for immediate gratification. Whenever I head out to do yard work (planting flowers, spreading mulch, weeding) and ask Laurel if she wants to join me, she almost always says yes. There’s a visceral joy in playing with dirt, but I think part of it is that she just likes being outside together.

Older kids also love “playing in the dirt,” especially when there’s money and power equipment involved. Sam stands pretty tall as he’s pushing the mower across the front lawn. I rarely need to ask him twice.

What About Electronics?

Electronics are a mixed blessing. They can be wonderful tools, helping your child learn numbers and colors, providing the musical backdrop against which to rock out (Violet spins happily in circles as soon as she hears music), or encouraging a reluctant reader. Handheld games and DVDs can pass the time when you’re in transit. Sometimes, they’re a convenient way to occupy the kids when you simply need to catch your breath, get through your e-mail, or reconnect with your partner.

Laurel has expressed interest in dance classes, but the main thing holding her back is the recitals. Unlike me (I love performance and joyfully embraced solo violin recitals), Laurel is not interested in (read: is terrified by the prospect of) being on stage in front of a group of strangers.

One day, when I picked her up from a playdate, Laurel and her friend were panting and laughing hysterically. I asked what was up and they led me to the living room, fired up the Wii, and broke into mimicking the Wii choreography to the song “Apache.” It was totally awesome. Not only was I impressed by how coordinated they were with the choreography, but I loved seeing Laurel dancing and having such a great time.

Laurel has asked for a Wii a couple of times since then. I don’t have a problem buying one per se, but it just hasn’t been on the top of my priority list. I told Laurel that a Wii is not a family purchasing priority right now, but that she can put it on her wish list for an upcoming birthday or holiday (and see if it’s her priority by that point), and otherwise enjoy it with her friend when they have playdates at her house. She was totally fine with that.

The other side of the coin is the electronic vortex: the hours and opportunities for family togetherness that slip away while your child is plugged in. There are also the arguments and negotiations that arise over who gets to control the game system (or iPad or television), for how long, and whether electronics time happens before or after homework. As kids get older, there are issues of mature content in video games, and safety and security via the web and texting.

The key is to find a balance in which electronics become a tool, not an obstacle or continuous point of friction. The specifics of how you handle the introduction and control of electronics will be unique to your family. Cultural background, educational philosophy, access, parents’ own interests and careers, and temperaments all come into play. For every family in which there’s a nine-year-old Xbox addict, there’s another with a kid who could care less about video games. Wherever your family happens to be on the electronics spectrum, we recommend communicating that electronics are a privilege and not an assumption, framing some general rules around the use of electronics (e.g., when, how long, what chores need to be done before this privilege is enjoyed), and, when necessary, establishing whether it’s a “need versus a want” addition to the array of playtime options.

Erin via the Minimalist Parenting blog: I am a stay-at-home mother and my husband works long hours. We have kids who don’t need a lot of sleep, and never have. But one sanity saver for us is Friday nights. My husband makes sure he’s home by 6:30 p.m., and I’ve already fed the kids something easy. While we control media every other day, on Friday nights they are required to stay in their bedrooms with the iPad or Nintendo DS or whatever. My husband and I have a more adult meal (nice takeout, for instance) and then usually watch a DVD together. We call it “date night.” Even though we can’t afford a babysitter four times a month, this has really helped. Our kids are six and eight now, but we started this tradition when the youngest was three. Otherwise, we’re rarely “off-duty” until 10 p.m.

Finally, similar to our approach to sweets in chapter 12, when considering your stance on electronics, keep in mind that moderation is often a better long-term solution than total deprivation. Having open conversations about electronics instead of vilifying them, and setting reasonable and firm limits will likely reduce the friction they can cause.

Being Social

Playtime! It’s what kids do! At least it’s what they used to do. That we’re even writing a how-to for playtime says something about the trend toward busy-and-prescribed in modern kids’ lives.

But not in your minimalist life! As you edit the activity “noise” from your schedule, you’ll notice that delicious spans of free hours will materialize during the week. Time for independence, exploration, and friends.

The Art of the Playdate

Playdates are good for kids and parents. They offer opportunities for kids to be flexible and figure out how to compromise (because there will invariably be a scuffle about something). Playdates provide a chance for deeper friendships, which are sometimes difficult to forge in the chaos of the school playground, particularly for shy kids. They allow kids to, well, play—to make up complicated, fanciful games parents don’t always understand, and to chatter on with peers in ways that parents don’t always have the patience for. Finally, playdates offer parents space—while you may be involved in the planning, it doesn’t mean you need to be at the center of the playing. The goal is to let the kids play, not to act as director of playlike activity.

If you’re new to playdate etiquette, here are a few guidelines to help you settle in to your new role as invisible host (or drop-off parent).

Set the Ground Rules

Whether your child is the host or the guest, make it clear that manners matter. Encourage your child to be flexible when it comes to deciding what to do, and remind him that sharing toys and activities makes them more fun. Practice with your child how to state a preference in a friendly, respectful way, and how to compromise if a playmate doesn’t agree. If you’re hosting, go over the rules once the friend arrives so that everyone hears the same thing at the same time. If you’re dropping off, share with the hosts that you’ve explained the rules to your child. It will invariably work out in the wash that sometimes your kid will start the playdate by doing what the other kid wants, and sometimes he’ll get to start with what he wants. Good manners will rule, and compromise and flexibility are always worth working toward.

Be a Fly on the Wall

Kid play, at its best, is as much an internal mental activity as it is an external physical one. Your kids may look like they’re playing with Playmobil, but they’re actually plotting the overthrow of an evil alien invasion force. When you show up and get involved, you run the risk of breaking the spell.

Provide a Well-Timed Snack

Up the chances of harmonious play by fueling kids with a healthy snack and a glass of water. No need for fancy, just something satisfying. When her kids were younger, Asha used to break out the snacks when she detected discord. Sometimes the distraction was all it took to get everyone back in sync.

Give Them a Chance to Work It Out

In the face of disagreements, resist the urge to rush in and save the day. Kids need to practice their negotiation skills and learn how to get along with each other. Don’t short-circuit the learning by giving everyone the answer too quickly.

End on a Good Note

The old adage “leave them wanting more” applies to playdates. More important than elaborate fun is a happy ending. Err on the side of a shorter playdate with a specific end time.

Jon and I find it extremely tiresome when playdates end with resistance and whining for more time. At some point we told Laurel (and visiting friends) that—plain and simple—when playdates end badly, it lessens the chance of another get-together (note: we don’t threaten that they never will happen again because we clearly would never follow up on that). This doesn’t mean the resistance and whining never happens, but setting that ground rule helped a lot. When we do meet periodic resistance, we offer a gentle reminder and that tends to dispel the drama.

Communicate with Parents

Playdates are the perfect opportunity to deepen your community. Chat with parents when you drop off your kids or invite them in for a minute when they drop off theirs. Debrief on how the playdate went. Bonding over your kids’ friendship can build the foundation for a wonderful reciprocal relationship.

Spontaneous Play in the Neighborhood

Who doesn’t fantasize about sending their kids out to play? Lots of people, actually. Modern parenting attitudes are different than they were when we grew up; parents are more fearful about safety, whether because of a need for control, because they live in a busy, urban neighborhood, or because of fear-inducing stories in the media. Sure, sometimes it’s not practical or safe to let your kids run around unsupervised outdoors. But if you focus on arming your child with awareness (e.g., what to keep an eye out for, what to do in case of emergency) and work on building neighborhood friendships, your child will have everything she needs to run down the street and ask a friend to play. At some point, your kids will need to navigate the world without you, and independent play is the place to start. Here are some ways to inspire confidence and spontaneous play in the neighborhood.

Invest in Outdoor Equipment

We’re not talking major backyard play structure. A back-and-forth sprinkler, a cheap badminton set, a bouncy play ball, or some sidewalk chalk are all you need to get kids playing together. In Asha’s neighborhood, an inexpensive plastic saucer swing hanging from a tree in the sidewalk strip has entertained generations of kids.

Teach Your Child Group Games

Hide and Seek, Capture the Flag, Kick the Can . . . these games never lose their appeal. If you don’t know how to play these games yourself, find someone who does (hire an older neighborhood kid to “tutor” if you have to) or look up the rules on the Internet.

Teach Outdoor Safety, Then Give Your Kids Space

Sunscreen, street-crossing rules, neighborhood “wandering” boundaries . . . all good. Especially when kids get a chance to show their competence. Give them room to roam and explore. Let kids ride their bikes around the block as a prelude to riding around the neighborhood. The knowledge and self-confidence they gain will be tremendous.

Take Up an Outdoor Hobby

If your kids are still too young to be outside alone, build up to playtime independence by using that time to pull a few weeds or admire the neighbor’s landscape overhaul. Pull a patio chair into your front yard and read the paper while your kid plays. Communicate your confidence in your kids’ abilities by letting them find their own fun.

Reinforce Neighborhood Friendships

If your kid is having a hard time making the leap from neighbor to friend, give him a hand by inviting the entire family over for a potluck or a BBQ. When your child sees the grown-ups chatting and getting to know each other, he may get just the nudge he needs. And you may find a nearby backup, another parent with whom you can trade help when you need it.

Have an Open-Door Policy

Encourage your kid to bring friends home without having to plan ahead. Stash extra snacks in the pantry and a few pizzas in the freezer in case kids want to stay for dinner. Make it as easy as possible for your kid to build neighborhood connections.

When Playtime Doesn’t Go Well

For every effortless playdate or neighborhood game of kickball, there’s one that blows up in everyone’s face. Toys or rules get broken, feelings get hurt, and parents shift around awkwardly not wanting to point fingers or make excuses, but unsure as to what to do next.

Like academic skills, social skills must be learned, and that happens at different rates for different kids. Understanding this, preparing for it, and having a few responses ready for when the firecrackers go off will go a long way toward lowering everyone’s anxiety and disappointment.

Most importantly, know that your child’s behavior does not reflect your worth as a parent. Good kids with good parents sometimes lose it (let’s be honest, good parents lose it too)—it’s part of learning how to handle the challenges that come with being social. Following are a few tips for handling the explosions.

Separate Damage Control from Problem Solving and Resolution

When kids are riled up, asking them to think logically about the situation (let alone apologize) is unlikely to help. Reserve judgment, and suggest everyone take a few deep breaths. Gently encourage kids to go to their respective corners. Sometimes apologies will have to happen another day (in any case, they’re only meaningful when a kid understands why they’re necessary).

Don’t Hesitate to End the Playdate

Give kids a chance to solve the problem. Sometimes, after they calm down, kids can bounce back and get back to playing as if nothing happened. See if that’s possible. If not, don’t be afraid to say “Sorry, kids, but playtime’s over for now. Let’s try this again another day.”

Keep Communication Open

Be honest and open. Do your best to tell the other kid’s parents what happened (you may not know the particulars), and hold your head high. If your child was in the wrong, acknowledge it and share your response. But try not to let shame enter the conversation. Your kid (and theirs) has a good heart and is learning.

Listen to Your Kid

Once the fires have died down, approach your child to problem solve together. Position yourself as a listener more than a solver. Even if your kid seems like the one obviously in the wrong, listen first to see what prompted the reaction. The tricky thing with behavior is that we tend only to see the problem (someone gets hit or yelled at), not the precipitating event (someone was goading or ignoring). Try to separate the behavior from the problem. Once you identify the problem, you can brainstorm alternate behavior choices.

Do a Run-Through for Next Time

Make sure the apologies and resolution happen. Then do a little rehearsing for the next playdate. You and your kids need to recognize that problems tend to repeat themselves, and preparation and practice is key to solving them.

Playtime is a kid’s rehearsal for life. By minimalizing your schedule and opening up free time and space for play and friendship, you’re giving your child the most important gift in the world: time to be a kid.