10

Beyond the Schoolyard: Enrichment and Extracurriculars

Comedy camp! Trapeze lessons! Indoor soccer leagues! These are abundant times. If you have the time and money, there are countless enrichment programs and extracurricular activities for your kids to try. Ironically, however, the vast array of extras can translate into day-to-day scarcity . . . of time and energy and relaxation. Not only for your child, but also for you, the designated chauffeur between activities who also wonders how to get dinner made, homework supervised, and a clean outfit ironed for work tomorrow.

Don’t get us wrong: classes, camps, sports teams, and interest groups are a wonderful way to expose kids to new experiences and friends. But there comes a point of diminishing returns: when each commitment added to the schedule generates more stress than learning—or even fun.

By now, it’s obvious that we’re fans of open space—as it applies to your house, your schedule, and your life. Minimalizing extracurricular activities takes into account your family’s interests, energy level, and budget while making plenty of room for creativity and free play. In other words, we encourage you to just say no to overscheduling.

Putting After-School Activities into Perspective

We all want our kids to have fun, get active, and be exposed to different ideas and experiences. But it’s worth taking a critical look at what actually contributes to the development of a well-rounded person. When we think of an ideal “well-rounded” adult, this person has an array of interests and a balanced life. She’s involved, but not on the constant go-go-go. She makes time for activities and for quiet. Sometimes she’s “doing” and other times “being.” She sees the value of both social time and private time (with family and alone).

Contrast this with the life of many modern schoolkids: rising early for school (some even earlier still so they can finish homework or go to sports or music practice), busy most weekday afternoons and evenings with sports and activities, rarely home for dinner, cramming homework into snatches of time that are left . . . often sacrificing sleep to do so. Weekends are just as packed. Playdates are nearly impossible to schedule, and pickup basketball in the neighborhood? Forget it. Some kids even forget how to fill their own time, becoming anxious and antsy without a programmed activity to occupy them.

The Motivating Power of Boredom

You know how “necessity is the mother of invention?” Well, boredom is the mother of mud pies and killer neighborhood games of Capture the Flag. When kids are too busy to be bored, they miss the biggest creative motivator around.

We’re not exactly suggesting that you build boredom into the schedule . . . more that you don’t fear it. Let boredom become your ally. It may take time for your kids to come around, and you’ll need to steel yourself against protests, but the skill of self-entertainment is a long-term win.

My favorite answer to complaints of boredom: “Congratulations! That’s the signal that you’re about to get really creative!” It merits an eye roll from the kids, but it’s sinking in.

Will Your Kids “Miss Out?”

There are fantastic benefits to being involved with a sports team or music lessons. But only when those activities are part of a balanced life that includes open time for play, chores, reflection, family togetherness, and rest. If you think about it, a schedule crammed with activities runs the risk of a different kind of “missing out”—missing the chance to identify one’s interests, community, and self.

Having too many scheduled activities cuts into your child’s ability to pursue and build friendships. An activity is a great way to meet new friends, but deepening friendships requires time and space to get to know each other.

Another casualty of overscheduling: household responsibility. Many parents reduce the stress on their super-busy kids by prioritizing the time left for homework while lowering expectations about chores and family involvement. Yes, something’s got to give . . . but it shouldn’t be chores. Chores are at the foundation of learning collective responsibility and represent real skills kids will take into adulthood and real delegation potential for you. Free “extracurricular enrichment” in the comfort of your own home! (We delve into the importance of chores in chapter 5.)

Other gems that tend to fall by the wayside of a too-busy schedule: reading for pleasure; arts and craft projects; quiet brain-building activities such as jigsaw puzzles, board games, and solitaire; jaunts to the park; spontaneous weekend adventures; and imaginative and integrative thinking time that can’t be quantified.

Finally, it’s worth tossing in a little parent-of-tween perspective. Childhood goes by quickly. Soon enough you’ll find yourself wondering where the time went, and wishing you had a bit more. During the clamor of everyday life, it’s all too easy to overlook just how precious those after-school hours are. If your kid still wants to hang out with you, grab those hours and make the most of them, even if that includes watching through the kitchen window as your kid mows the lawn.

Before You Sign Up, Ask Yourself Why

These days, the unspoken assumption is that you’ll sign your kids up for after-school activities. Many parents question the safety of letting kids play outside unsupervised. People feel pressure to “prepare” kids for competition, whether on the playing field or for future college admission. Many parents rely on after-school activities to serve as the bridge between the end of school and the time they get home from work. Some simply resign themselves to substituting organized activities for after-school play because there are no playmates left who have any free time.

But before you sign your kid up, ask yourself why you’re doing it. Really, why? Is it because your kid has a burning desire to play soccer or guitar? If yes, then fantastic! Step right up! But if not, perhaps there’s another reason you feel compelled to fill the schedule. We’ve touched on some of these motivators in previous chapters, but they warrant revisiting here:

• Are you trying to make up for opportunities you missed as a child?

• Do you equate signing your kids up for lessons with being a better, more caring parent?

• Are you suffering from FOMO—fear of missing out? Are you afraid your kid will be excluded from the “in” group of kids . . . or that you’ll be left out of the “in” group of parents?

• Does unstructured time (with potentially bored children) make you nervous?

No need to feel guilty or sheepish here—there’s real pressure to conform, and we’re all vulnerable to it. We all want to give our children wonderful experiences. But when you get honest with yourself about the motivations behind your actions, you can make better-informed choices for your entire family.

Assessing Your Child’s Interest and Readiness

When it comes to “fun” and “interesting,” every kid is different. Obvious? Maybe, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to lapse into “every kid should learn a musical instrument” generalizations. Your kid’s best friend may love improv classes, but they may be your child’s worst nightmare.

The same goes for scheduling. You may have a child who thrives with a different after-school activity every day. Or you may have a kid who wants little to do with formal programming. Or your kid might just be the sort who resists anything new.

Listen to your kid even if he’s not sure of himself. Give his interests more priority than yours. When you try to force your own preferences on a resistant kid, it won’t go well for anyone. On the flip side: open your mind. You might discover that your child wants to pursue something you’d never considered.

My kids both prefer free time after school, so we’ve never been big on the extracurriculars. But one day, while talking about interests with Mira, she surprised me: “I’ve always wanted to play the fiddle!” (Always? She was eight at the time.) Our family loves music, and her dad had been dabbling with the mandolin, but (to me, at least) her interest in the fiddle came out of left field. She had never mentioned it before. I made appreciative noises but didn’t rush to sign her up for lessons, thinking that her “interest” was more of a passing fancy. Weeks went by, and she would quietly, but consistently, ask if I had looked into violin rentals or teachers. When two months passed and she was still asking about it, we decided to take the plunge. Fortunately there was room in the budget and the schedule, because she wasn’t doing anything else. We found a local teacher, and she has been practicing and playing ever since. The motivation and excitement shines because the idea was hers.

Sometimes, getting at your kids’ preferences is easier said than done. They might not be able to verbalize the rationale behind their choices, which makes it hard to know how to proceed. On one hand, you don’t want to force a kid to do something he dislikes, but on the other, you want to encourage him to expand his comfort zone. It’s an art more than it’s a science. Sometimes being “ready” takes longer than you expect.

Extracurriculars for Laurel are one area where I have had to work hard on doing an explicit “why” check. As a child I wanted to do everything when it came to extracurriculars and was allowed nothing (save music lessons—a “productive” extracurricular—later on down the road) because we had a large family and a tight budget. So when Laurel started elementary school and program options started cropping up, I wanted to offer her the world. Or at least have her try something. Anything.

But Laurel was extremely resistant to activities of any kind. For a very long time. Our initial forays into swimming and ice-skating were agreed to reluctantly and resulted in tears and freak-outs on the way to and during lessons. It’s awful to watch your child sob (quietly . . . or sometimes really loudly) while standing amid a huddle of kids who are having a great time.

So I finally gave up. I decided that I would simply put the options out there and let Laurel lead.

For a long time, when I asked Laurel about yet another incoming extracurricular flyer from school, the answer was no. But when she finally said yes to soccer, she did so with a glimmer of excitement and enthusiasm that carried from that day to the sporting goods store and finally out onto the field for practices and games.

As I watched Laurel run around—a gleefully squealing part of the moving soccer amoeba—it occurred to me that some kids just take longer to settle into their bodies. All of a sudden Laurel was demonstrating a level of comfort and agility I hadn’t seen before. It was worth the wait.

Handling Super-Motivated Kids and Intense Commitments

While some kids take a while to feel around and decide what they are ready to pursue, others are ready to leap out of the gate with tremendous self-motivation and talent. How do you maintain a Minimalist Parenting approach when you’re faced with the possibility that your kid might be the next violin prodigy or gymnastics star? How do you progress toward a minimalized life when you know that the deeper your child gets into a given activity, the greater the time and expense drain will be?

Letting Kids Find Their Inner Bus Drivers

One of the wonderful things about letting kids find their way—instead of pressing activities you would like to see them pursue—is that they might discover passions and talents you would never have identified.

My tendency with Laurel has simply been to throw options against the wall and see what sticks. And while she didn’t gravitate to sports until later, it became clear early on that Laurel showed deep focus and interest in doing things with her hands—she can sit for hours working on art projects or elaborately frosting and decorating cakes.

I plan to use the same approach with Violet. Even though she is only a toddler, she’s already showing signs that she is extremely physical and fearless in nature (read: she throws her body around with a joyful abandon that we didn’t see in Laurel). I’ll be curious to see if that holds as she grows or whether we’ll find that something completely different sticks to the wall.

If your child shows remarkable talent and self-motivation, we say let her go for it—be as supportive as you can within the parameters of what works for you and the rest of your family. It can be amazing for a child’s growth when her parents support her commitment to a pursuit that requires a lot of time and effort. We do recommend, however, that you keep watch over the temptation to take over steering your child’s bus.

Recognizing When You’re Pushing Too Hard

When you see your child start to show a talent or interest in something, it’s natural to want to nurture that interest. But at some point, you might find yourself pushing your child to do more and more, to be the best, to earn the title of “gifted.”

Depending on your child’s personality, he may just go along for the ride and won’t make a peep. Or he may continue along but turn resentful and brooding. Or he may finally say, “ENOUGH. I quit.”

It’s hard to pull back from what looks like glimmering opportunity for your child. Pursuing mastery of any sort will involve both fun and challenge, and sometimes it’s wise to push your kids through the hard moments. But you must remember to listen to not only what your inner bus driver is telling you, but to what your child’s inner bus driver is broadcasting. If you find that you’re the one driving the bus toward the cliff, it’s time to put on the brakes.

Recognizing When To Push a Little Harder

You’ve driven your child to and invested money in countless lessons and practices. She seems really good at it (whatever it is). Like, really good at it. But now, all of a sudden, she wants to quit. It’s tricky to figure out when to encourage your child to stick with something and work through the hard stuff . . . and when to let it go.

No one wants the label of “quitter,” but it’s important to recognize that sometimes, after trying something for a while, kids might simply decide they don’t want to do it anymore. We’ve all had hobbies or projects we’ve tried but ultimately decided to let go, and kids need the space to make those choices as well. On the other hand, sometimes kids hit obstacles they see as deal breakers, but you know that, once addressed, could breathe new life into the child’s interest. Each situation has its nuances, but in general, we recommend reflecting on why you want your child to stick with the activity in question, and also digging deep with your kid about why she wants to quit.

I started playing violin in the third grade through my school’s public program. My parents were able to make the financial commitment to renting a violin but could not afford private lessons. My mom was the motivating factor: she loved the instrument and owned a full-size violin that she bought during nursing school but never had the chance to learn (given that not long after nursing school she married my dad and started to have a bajillion babies). I was so happy to finally participate in an extracurricular activity that I eagerly said yes to learning violin.

I felt so proud when I carried my violin case to school every week and I showed some natural musical ability. However, I was also frustrated that I couldn’t improve more quickly. I now know that this is part of my personality—when I start something, I want to go from beginner to expert, well, at warp speed. I wasn’t progressing quickly enough with only a weekly in-school group class.

Toward the end of fifth grade I told my mom I wanted to quit. We had a colossal argument about it. I mean, colossal. For me, there were two issues: the not-accelerating-fast-enough issue and the fact that all of my friends were planning on singing in the chorus in sixth grade. I desperately wanted to be part of the herd.

Though it wasn’t the most nuanced or relaxed conversation, the bottom line is that my mom refused to let me quit. She told me it was ridiculous to change music paths just because of what my friends were doing but that she would find a way to help me get lessons to see if that would solve the acceleration problem. I was still angry that she forced me to continue violin, but I relented.

I have no idea how she did it, but when I started sixth grade, my mom found the money for me to start taking weekly private lessons. I was well behind on the competitive music track some of my peers were on but I accelerated fast. I started auditioning for and participating in competitive orchestras. I loved it. I played solos in the school orchestra and during college played solo recitals without a modicum of jitters. I continued on to play in a semiprofessional orchestra during graduate school.

I no longer play violin, but I’ve said many times that I’m so glad my mom didn’t let me quit. She saw talent that I didn’t know I had and she helped me work around the issues that were getting in the way of realizing my potential.

Setting Activity Limits

If your child wants a full dance card, keep in mind that these activities impact several people: siblings, friends, your partner and you. As keeper of the checkbook, dealer with the details, and driver of the car, you have veto power. One kid’s after-school schedule must work for the whole family.

Your child has a lifetime to explore and experience; he doesn’t need to explore every option right this second. It’s okay to “back burner” certain activities in order to protect some downtime, knowing they’ll still be available next year. And if they’re not, something else will be. In the meantime, your child will learn to be flexible and that his actions and activities affect other people.

Handling the Logistics of After-School Activities

Once you’ve settled on an after-school activity that works for you and your kid, there are plenty of ways to efficiently work it into your schedule.

Prioritize Nearby Activities That Begin Soon After School Ends

We’ve had the best success with activities that are in the neighborhood and that begin right after school. (The best ones happen on school grounds right after the bell rings.) The longer the transition between school and activity, especially when it involves time at home, the more likely it is kids will lose energy and poop out.

Disperse Activities Across the Week

If your child likes to have more than one after-school activity per week, try to disperse these activities across the week (e.g., Monday, Wednesday, Friday) to build in open time and also give you a break. Yes, this means that your child may not get her top choice of activities, but that’s okay, too (it’s yet another chance to learn flexibility).

Sign Up and Swap Driving with a Friend

For many kids, joining an activity with a friend lowers the anxiety, ups the bonding, and increases the fun. For you, the bonus is potential ride sharing! Offer to trade rides with a parent—that way, you’ll both get to participate and observe, and you’ll get a little extra free time in the bargain.

Run Errands Nearby

Many classes and lessons only involve you as an observer. There’s no rule that says you have to watch every moment of every class. Run a quick errand nearby, excuse yourself to make a phone call or two, or use the downtime to read or do a crossword puzzle.

Involve a Babysitter

If after-school activities are a child-care bridge to the end of your workday, you may be able to hire a local babysitter just to pick your child up from school and shuttle her to her activity and then home.

Be Okay with a Day Off

There are bound to be days when your kid (or you) is too tired, hungry, cranky, or busy to participate. Decide up front that it’s okay to skip a day here and there. While it’s important to follow through on a commitment, it’s also important to honor one’s need for an occasional break (yours or your kid’s).

Natalie via ParentHacks.com: Too frequently, I would sign my daughter up for an activity she enjoyed, but then she would resist going. I couldn’t figure out why, but after a bit of discussion it was apparent that she just didn’t want to go. If I forced her to participate, she would become upset and cry, yet it made no sense to let her skip for no reason. It’s so frustrating to spend money on these activities only to have such resistance when it is time to go!

My solution was to give her one “personal day” per session. She could skip one class per session, no questions asked, but then she had to attend the rest of the classes. It worked wonderfully! She didn’t even use her personal day most of the time. I think just giving her some control over the situation made all the difference.

Special Considerations for Summer

Many parents stress out in anticipation of summer scheduling (sometimes starting right after the winter holidays). What if the camps fill up? What if we’re stuck doing nothing all summer? What if my kid forgets everything he learned during the school year?

While it’s a good idea, particularly if you work full time outside of the home, to schedule summer programs well in advance, try not to worry too much about building the “perfect” summer agenda. As circumstances and schedules shift, trust that there is enough summer programming to fill the gaps, even if that means hiring a sitter or setting up some extra summer playdates. There’s nothing more frustrating than killing yourself over planning summer down to the minute only to have something change, leaving you to watch several hundred dollars’ worth of deposits go down the drain.

Laurel attended a full-day, year-round day care (three days a week) preceding elementary school, so when we were faced with the public school calendar, with its shorter hours, week-long school year vacations, and summer vacation months, I was admittedly a little (okay, a lot) freaked out. So, well in advance of the end of kindergarten I booked several weeks of summer camp; I admit that I did this based on my schedule needs and didn’t consult her on programming.

As the school year began to wind down, Laurel went through a phase of incredibly difficult transitions during school drop-off and pickup. Her transition difficulties persisted through two weeks of summer camp, which made the drop-offs there enormously stressful as well. What’s more, the anxiety around those drop-offs spilled over to the rest of the day (e.g., difficulty at bedtime in anticipation of the next day’s drop-off).

Those two weeks of camp felt like the longest two weeks of my life. By the end, I was glad that the other two weeks of the camp had been cancelled (it was originally a four-week camp). We talked to Laurel about what she wanted to do going forward and she said, definitively, “Stay at home.”

So, I ended up canceling (and eating the deposit) the other camp weeks we had booked at a different location and instead hired a sitter. Laurel was incredibly happy. The relaxed pace at home gave her the time to recover from the stress of the last couple of months of kindergarten and camp. By the time she headed to first grade, it was as if a magical switch had flipped. On the first day of school I braced myself for a colossal freak-out. It never happened. Laurel looked a little nervous, but no more so than the other kids. She gave me an encouraging wave and a smile and marched off with her class. She was fine. I, on the other hand, had tears in my eyes.

Finally, the summer is a great time to teach your kids about earning money or participating in the community. Help your kids set up a lemonade stand or, for older kids, help them find volunteer opportunities or a summer job. These types of work and community activities are most definitely enriching for kids, even if (perhaps especially if) they’re not always easy. (Browse chapter 6 for more advice about teaching kids money management skills.)

When thoughtfully chosen, extracurricular activities can be a fantastic addition to your child’s education, as long as you remember they’re optional.