Ellie went to her room, then placed a call on her cell phone to Sarah. She had to know when the girl was coming back. As much as she cared for Reuben, she had a hard time handling his changing moods. They had been getting along well...until the moment he’d realized what she’d done. She’d known she’d be risking his anger when she arranged to have the work done without his consent. But she’d hoped that afterward, he’d realize a lessening of his burden. She’d only wanted to make his life easier. Wrong move.
Someone picked up the phone in the store where Sarah used the phone.
“Hallo?” She gave her name and asked the person to have Sarah call her. The man at the other end of the line agreed to give Sarah the message.
Ellie rattled off her cell number, then hung up. She sat on her bed, feeling hurt and lost. She would no longer be caring for Ethan. And his father.
She lay back and closed her eyes. The image of Reuben’s livid expression made her gasp and roll over to bury her face into her quilted bed covering. What have I done?
Her cell phone rang, startling her. She sat up and answered.
“Ellie!” It was Sarah. Ellie felt relief at hearing from her friend. “How are you? How are Reuben and Ethan? Is everything oll recht?”
“Ja, Sarah, everything is fine. And your bruder and nephew are well. How are you? How is your mudder?”
“I’m well, Ellie. Mam is doing better, but she still needs my help with cleaning and with my grosseldre.” She paused. “I’m sorry, but I can’t come back yet.”
“That’s fine, Sarah. You stay and be there for your mam and your grandparents.” She knew what it was like to worry about a parent. She worried for hers, wanted to be there for both parents after Charlie married Nate.
“Tell me more about Reuben and Ethan.”
“They are both well. Ethan got a new tooth! That makes three, and there’s another trying to break through. The house is coming along. Reuben painted the walls and installed new flooring in the kitchen and the gathering room.”
Sarah made a sound of pleasure. “I bet everything looks nice.”
Ellie couldn’t help but smile. “It does.”
“Give them my love? I just stopped in for a few things for supper and discovered you’d called. I need to get back to the haus.”
“I hope your mudder feels much better soon, Sarah. Take care.”
“I will, Ellie, and danki. I feel better knowing that you are there for Ethan and my bruder.”
Ellie hung up the phone, her thoughts in turmoil. She had promised to take care of Ethan and to help Reuben, but the man was angry and no longer wanted her help. What was she going to do? She’d have to arrange for someone to care for Ethan. It would be difficult knowing that some other woman would be caring for Reuben’s son, making the man his dinner.
She fought the urge to cry. It was her own fault. She lay back on her bed and stared at the ceiling until her eyes blurred with tears.
Reuben was nervous as he raised a hand to knock on the door to the Arlin Stoltzfus residence. Would Ellie agree to see him? Or would she turn him away? Would her parents glare at him with irritation or worse for hurting their daughter? He rapped hard twice.
The door opened, and to his amazement, Missy Stoltzfus’s eyes lit up at the sight of him. “Reuben!” she cried. “And Ethan. Come in. Come in! You must be here to see Ellie.”
He nodded. “Ja, I’d like to speak with her if I may.”
“Of course.” She gazed at him and Ethan with warmth. “Ellie is in the barn. May I watch Ethan for you while you visit?”
His eyes widened. “You don’t mind?”
Ellie’s mother held out her arms. “Why would I mind taking care of this precious boy?”
Reuben handed her his son. “Danki. I won’t be long.”
Missy smiled. “Take your time. Ethan and I will get reacquainted.”
He headed out to the barn. Inside the light was dim, but he knew exactly where she was. He could detect her sweet scent, felt her presence as his breathing spiked. Would she see him, then send him away? Or would she listen to his apology and forgive him?
Reuben approached without her notice, watching as she lovingly groomed a horse. She looked pensive, wistful. And sad. Because of him? She was beautiful. He loved everything about her. He stiffened with the realization, briefly closed his eyes, then moved to the door of the stall.
“Ellie.”
She gasped as if she’d recognized his voice but didn’t immediately turn around. “Why are you here, Reuben?”
“I need to talk with you.”
She spun, speared him with a hostile glance. He drew a sharp breath as he felt the sting of her anger. “Where’s Ethan?”
“With your mudder.” He saw her mouth gape open in shock. “Ellie, I’ve come to apologize. To explain.” He heard her draw a calming breath.
“Explain what?”
“Why I have trouble accepting help from others.” He didn’t like admitting his failures, but he would because Ellie meant something to him. It scared him, these sharp, painful feelings he had for her. He gazed at her with longing. She had turned back to grooming her horse. “I’ve felt like a failure for a long time,” he began.
Her hand holding the brush stilled. She faced him and regarded him with a soft expression. “Why, Reuben?” she asked quietly.
“You know that Meg and I were in a buggy accident. I didn’t save her. I couldn’t have saved her. I didn’t know how to swim.” He looked away, unwilling to see her censure, but she had to know the truth. That her sister would have died if Peter hadn’t arrived and rescued her.
“You didn’t cause the accident,” she murmured.
He shot her a glance. To his amazement, she didn’t appear to be upset by his admission. “And my wife...she died, Ellie, because I wanted a family. There was nothing I could do for her. Nothing.”
“You felt helpless.” She gazed at him with blue eyes filled with emotion.
Pity? He didn’t want her pity. But he realized that she didn’t pity him. It was compassion he recognized in her gaze.
“Ja, I felt helpless.” He paused. “I wasn’t a gut father to Ethan after Susanna died. I was wrapped up with anger and feeling sorry for myself so I let my mother and sister care for him.”
He saw something shift across her expression. A look of sadness? Disappointment? She couldn’t be any more disappointed in him than he was in himself. I’m not gut enough for her.
“Grief, Reuben. You were grieving.” Her study of him made him glance away. He needed to go on and couldn’t bear to see her face change.
“I’ve watched you with Ethan,” she continued. “You’re a gut and loving vadder.”
“I wasn’t.”
“But you are now,” she replied, once again surprising him. She gazed at him thoughtfully. “You need to get past the determination that you have to do everything yourself. You belong to a community. We help each other. There is no shame in asking for or accepting help. If you don’t accept help from your fellow church members, how can we ask for yours?”
Reuben was startled. “You think someone would want my help?”
She frowned. “Didn’t members of your former church community help each other?”
He’d been so wrapped up in the things that had happened to him in the last few years, he had forgotten, but he must have. “I’m not a gut man.”
“Reuben Miller, you don’t get to judge you. Only the Lord can judge, and I believe He loves you and looks upon you kindly. I believe you are a gut man.” She stepped closer. Terrified by his feelings, he instinctively backed away. She didn’t follow. The hurt look on her face twisted something painfully inside him.
“You have friends who want to help you,” Ellie said huskily. “Learn to use your friends. They won’t mind. I can promise you.”
“Ja. I’ve been worried for so long that I haven’t been able to see past the work and my need to be self-reliant. I’ve pushed everyone away.” He hesitated. “Except you.” He flashed her a twisted smile. “Actually, I have pushed you away a bit,” he admitted, “which is why I’m here. To change that.”
“You’re willing to accept my help,” she murmured, her tone off, as she spun back to grooming the horse, slow even strokes of the brush against the animal’s chestnut coat.
“Ellie,” he said, “I know that I have much to be thankful for. My son. A place to live—although it still needs work. But not as much anymore thanks to you.” His voice trailed off and he felt something close to...despair. She didn’t turn, wouldn’t meet his gaze. Had she given up on him? Had she decided that she’d had enough and washed her hands of him? He couldn’t go until he made her understand. “I overreacted,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Her hand stopped mid brush stroke. She faced him. “I understand that things have been hard for you, Reuben, but we—my family and I—weren’t trying to undermine you. We just wanted to help. You shouldn’t have to do everything on your own.”
His chest tightened as he held her gaze. If only things were different...if he’d married her first, there wouldn’t have been a problem, he thought again. Unless she’d died the way that Susanna had after giving birth to his child. The thought made him shudder and sent a shaft of pain into his chest and his heart. “I know.”
“Do you?”
He inclined his head. “I do.” He debated whether to tell her more and decided that he owed it to her. “I once told you that when I marry again, it will be so that Ethan can have a mother.” He paused. “I still want that.”
She blinked without saying a word.
He was silent for several seconds as he continued to stare at her. “What I never admitted to you was that I noticed you first. Before I became involved with Meg.” He hesitated before continuing. “I avoided you because I felt you were too young for marriage. You had years to enjoy before becoming a wife and a mother. Meg’s attention was flattering at a time I wanted to wed.” He saw disbelief then pain in her eyes before she shut down her expression. “I liked Meg, and I was hurt when she broke things off to be with Peter.”
“I don’t want to hear—”
“Ellie, please,” he pleaded. “Let me finish.”
Closing her eyes, she gave a nod. She obviously didn’t want to hear about his feelings for her sister. Which lifted his spirits. And gave him hope.
“Susanna and I met not long after your sister and I parted ways. We liked each other immediately. We became friends.” He watched Ellie carefully to gauge her reaction. “We wanted the same thing—to get married and have a family and a home...”
“Why are you telling me this?” she asked sharply.
“I need you to understand why I’ve been determined to do things on my own.”
“Reuben—”
He gave her a tentative smile. “Ellie.”
“Why do I need to know?”
“So that you’ll know the truth...and maybe forgive me?”
Ellie didn’t want to hear about the other women who had been in Reuben’s life. She already understood why he had difficulty accepting help, but she meant it when she told him he needed to get over it.
He’d noticed her before Meg? Unlikely. Or could it be true? Why was he telling her this? Wrapped up in her thoughts and the pain of his rejection, she felt her mind drift and she withdrew from him as she tried to protect herself.
“Ellie?”
She met his gaze. “You want me to continue to watch Ethan,” she said crisply. He would allow her to watch his son, cook his meals and clean his house. Like a stand-in wife. She’d be useful until he found a woman he decided to marry, then she’d be on her own.
He blinked as if stunned by her tone. “Ja.”
“I’ll come back to watch your son, but under my terms.”
Looking wary, Reuben tilted his blond head as he studied her. “What terms?”
“If I want to bring Ethan here to the house, I should be allowed to take him.”
He nodded in agreement, and a little smile tilted up the corners of his mouth.
Ellie narrowed her gaze. “If I want my cousins to help with your house, then you need to be amicable.” His brow furrowed. She could tell he didn’t like that.
“Fine,” he said reluctantly, quietly. But she knew he felt uneasy with the idea.
“Gut.” Her head ached, and Ellie lifted a hand to rub one temple. “Why tell me about Meg and Susanna? So I’ll feel bad enough to return?”
“Nay. I just wanted you to understand...” He shifted and looked away.
She tried to gauge his thoughts. “Reuben?”
“I care about you, Ellie.”
She jerked. “As friends,” she murmured. “I know.”
He nodded. “I wish it could be more.”
So did she. Ellie had had enough of this conversation. It hurt when he confirmed he was unwilling to pursue a relationship with her. I’m gut enough to be his friend but nothing more. She swallowed against a suddenly tight throat and changed the subject. “I spoke with Sarah today. Your mudder still needs her help for a few more weeks.” She watched him closely. “Did you talk with her?”
Was that why he’d wanted to apologize? So that she would help him until Sarah returned? Her lips twisted. She’d been pushing him to accept help, and now that he was willing, she wanted more from him.
“Nay, we haven’t spoken,” he replied quietly. He gazed at her with an odd look in his beautiful blue eyes that made her heart race. “Ellie, it doesn’t matter if my sister is coming back or not. This isn’t about Ethan or Sarah.”
“Then what is it about, Reuben?”
He looked suddenly uncomfortable. “I was wondering if...”
“I told you I’ll take care of Ethan. Isn’t that what you want?”
Reuben’s face turned red. She frowned. She’d never seen him embarrassed before, but now she knew she was right in believing that he’d come to make sure he had a babysitter for his son. “Ellie—”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Reuben.” She turned her back on him to finish grooming the mare.
“Ellie, you were too young years ago,” he whispered, “but you’re not now.”
She froze but didn’t face him.
“I’ve thought about asking you to marry me—not for Ethan but for me.”
She couldn’t help turning then. His expression was anguished. She had the strongest urge to take him into her arms and hold him tightly. Reassure him that they would be wonderful together. But, of course, she didn’t. “Reuben—”
“I can’t, though. Don’t you see?” He ran his hand raggedly through his blond hair. “I care too much for you. If we wed, I’ll lose you, too.”
“Reuben—”
“Nay, Ellie,” he breathed. He touched her arm, and she felt the warmth of him beneath the fabric. “I wish...”
“What do you wish?” she breathed huskily.
“Nay!” he gasped. Then he turned and hurriedly left, as if he couldn’t bear to stay.
Ellie watched him, her heart racing wildly. Everything in her longed to run after him. But she didn’t. Because she knew that he meant it. He would never marry her because he wouldn’t marry for love.
She frowned. He’d never actually admitted loving her. If he had, she would have chased him until he gave in to his feelings. But he didn’t love her. Ellie closed her eyes and released a shuddering breath. She had fallen in love with him. With him and his son. And except for a temporary babysitter for Ethan, she would never be anything more than a fellow church member. She didn’t think they’d remain friends after Sarah’s return when he no longer needed her. And that hurt and felt wrong.
She stood for a moment, her heart aching. She was empty inside, and the void hurt. She would be his friend, watch his son and find someone to take her place as the boy’s caretaker before her heart broke beyond repair.
Again, the sudden urge to run after him overtook her. Ellie put away the brush and raced toward the house, but Reuben had gone. He must have rushed in to grab his son and escaped.
She would see him tomorrow. She’d promised that she’d be there for Ethan. Ellie would take her cue from Reuben then. If he acted like they’d never had this conversation, then she would pretend that she hadn’t been affected by it. She blinked back tears, then entered the house.
“Ellie,” her mother said warmly. “Ethan is such a sweet boy. No wonder you enjoy taking care of him.”
Ellie nodded. “He is. Did you see his newest tooth?”
“I did.” She frowned. “I’m sorry Reuben had to leave so quickly. He said he had things to do, but he thanked me for watching the boy while you talked.” Mam narrowed her gaze as she studied Ellie. “What did you talk about?”
“About Ethan. He wanted to make sure I’ll be there tomorrow,” she said truthfully. There was no reason for her mother to know everything they’d discussed. “Do you need me to do anything for you tomorrow before I go? I know you wanted to can tomatoes.”
“Meg and Leah will be here. There is nothing to stop you from helping Reuben.”
“Meg’s home.” Ellie managed a smile. “I hadn’t realized she and Peter had returned from New Wilmington.”
“They’ll be staying for supper, so you’ll get a chance to visit with them then.”
“If you change your mind and need help tomorrow, let me know. I can always bring Ethan home with me.”
“As much as I enjoy seeing him, Meg will have her little one, and I’ll want to focus on having time with him.” She grinned. “But if you decide you want to come home tomorrow, please do. But not to work. We’ll be done by then.”
“Ethan usually naps in the afternoon, but maybe I’ll bring him another morning.” If I’ll still be watching him then. “May I help with supper?” She managed to distract her mother away from talking about Reuben or Ethan any further.
Her conversation with Reuben had left Ellie aching and confused. And longing for something that would never be.