The next morning Ellie filled her buggy’s backseat with food supplies. As she started to climb into the vehicle, she heard the sound of wheels on the dirt drive to their farmhouse. She recognized the pony cart’s driver immediately.
“Ellie.”
“Rebecca!”
Rebecca Troyer, the young Amish woman who’d been handling her clients for over a week, approached with a look of regret that gave Ellie a bad feeling.
“I’m sorry for the early morning visit, but I had to tell you I can no longer work at your clients’ homes for you. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.”
Ellie nodded. “I appreciate all you’ve done. Can you handle today’s?”
“There are none today. The Broderick woman canceled, and the Smiths didn’t like the way I cleaned for them last week, although I spent extra time at their house and I never charged them for it.”
The Smiths had been difficult on occasion, and Ellie thought she’d cut them loose, but they must have gotten Rebecca’s number. “The Smiths are no longer my clients.”
Rebecca frowned. “I didn’t realize. When the woman called, I thought she was one of yours.”
“Used to be, but to say the family is difficult is an understatement.” The only client she was worried about was Olivia Broderick, the woman fighting cancer. “Danki for what all you’ve done.”
The young Amish woman smiled. “The extra money was appreciated. I wish I could still help. It’s been tough meshing the schedules since some of yours wanted me to come when I already had others scheduled that day.”
“I understand,” Ellie said. “I’ll make other arrangements. Nothing to worry about.”
Her friend looked relieved. “Enjoy your day, Ellie.”
“The same to you, Rebecca.” Ellie watched her leave before she left for Reuben’s. She had to decide what do. Did she find someone else to clean for her or find another caretaker for Ethan? Would Reuben be relieved if she found another caretaker for his son?
She thought of their conversation in the barn. He had confessed that he was drawn to her, but she didn’t believe he felt anything but gratitude toward her.
She had liked her housecleaning business, but she hadn’t missed it recently. Sarah wouldn’t return for a long while yet. Do I want someone else to take care of Ethan? She inhaled sharply. Nay, I don’t. But if she gave up her business, then what happened when she was no longer needed by Reuben?
She frowned. It wasn’t as if she needed the money. She’d been saving for years now. She had a nice nest egg in the bank. And Charlie was getting married in November. She wouldn’t be housecleaning outside her parents’ house then. Did it matter if she gave it up now rather than later? A little boy needed her. She wanted to be there for him. And for Reuben. She’d always known that it was a temporary arrangement. He wouldn’t need her once his sister returned.
Ellie sighed. She had the distinct feeling that after their conversation last night, Reuben would look harder for a wife. Someone safe, who didn’t mind a marriage of convenience.
She shuddered out a breath. “If he falls in love with the woman he marries, I’ll have to watch.” Brokenhearted.
Ellie had made up her mind. She would shut down her business. She’d ask Rebecca if she wanted her clients permanently. The woman could change the schedule any way she wanted to make it work out for her.
Ellie realized that she felt slightly afraid of her decision, but she wouldn’t change her mind. There was much to do at home, and if she was to be there for her parents after Charlie married, she would be ready.
She caught sight of Reuben waiting at the side door for her when she arrived. Her heart began to thump hard. Would she ever get over this heightened sensation of expectancy whenever he was near?
She took care of her buggy and grabbed her things from the back, then headed toward the house. Ellie felt like a bundle of nerves by the time she reached the house. When her gaze locked with Reuben’s, she offered a tentative smile. He grinned as if happy to see her, and she relaxed and returned his grin.
“Ellie,” he murmured as he opened the door for her and stepped aside for her to enter. Reuben looked wonderful in a blue short-sleeved shirt, black suspenders and black tri-blend pants. As she entered, she noticed his bare feet, and something inside her shifted.
Ethan was in his high chair and she immediately went to him. “Hallo, little one.”
The little boy looked up and his small mouth split in a drooling smile. He made a gurgling sound of delight. Ellie unstrapped him from his chair and tugged him into her arms. She hugged him and nuzzled her nose into his neck. Ethan giggled and she nuzzled again. Each time she did it, the child laughed, clearly delighted with her attention.
She felt Reuben’s presence behind her. She faced him and was stunned to see warmth and caring in his beautiful blue eyes.
“You’re great with him, Ellie,” he said softly as he sat in a kitchen chair to put on his socks and shoes.
“He’s an easy child.”
“Nay, I think ’tis you.” The affection in his gaze changed the color of his eyes to deep blue.
“Reuben—”
“Danki, Ellie,” he breathed.
“There’s no need—”
“I’ve been thinking all night,” he admitted. He stood and closed the gap between them. His physical nearness caused a tiny fluttering in her belly. “I’ve been thinking about you...and me. And there is something I’d like to ask you.” He hesitated. “Ellie Stoltzfus, will you marry me?”
She started. “What?”
“I would like you to be my wife,” he said softly. “You’ll make Ethan a wonderful mudder and me...”
Mother. Every other word he’d said after that one was lost. Because she could focus on only one thing. Reuben needed a mother for his son, and he’d decided that it should be her. Because she was good with Ethan. She felt the blood drain from her face. He wouldn’t have asked her if he loved her. Which meant he didn’t.
Ellie swallowed hard. She loved him. If he’d loved her even just a little, she would have happily married him. But she wouldn’t—couldn’t—be a mother and not a real wife.
“That’s...unexpected.” Ellie put distance between them. She drew in a sharp breath, then released it. “Nay, I’m sorry but I can’t marry you.”
He blinked. “Nay?” He appeared stunned. “You don’t want to be my wife?” He looked upset. Defeated. As if her refusal had shaken him. Roughly.
She opened her mouth to tell him she loved him but then closed it. He was grateful for her help. His proposal had been impulsive, she realized, sprung from his gratitude.
He looked stunned. Then, as if coming to his senses, he wiped his face of all expression.
“Do you want to know why I can’t marry you, Reuben?” she asked, watching him closely. When he nodded, she said, “I want a family with someone who loves me.”
Reuben paled.
She nodded. “Just as I thought. I’m sorry but I won’t marry you. The man I marry will love me and want to have children with me.”
Darkness descended on his features as he took a step closer. “Ellie... I can’t.”
Ellie smiled weakly. “I know. Let’s keep things how they’ve been. Leave our arrangement as it stands until Sarah gets back.” She felt her words like knife stabs into her heart. She wouldn’t accept anything less than what her sisters had with their husbands—men who loved and wanted babies with their wives.
He gave a sharp nod. As he turned away, he ran a hand through his blond hair, mussing it into gorgeous disarray. Her heart hurt as she watched him. She wanted a life with him, but she wouldn’t accept anything less than a life with love and a passel of children.
He grabbed a paper bag off the countertop. His lunch, she realized, that he must have made himself. He wouldn’t need her for much longer. In a few weeks, his sister would return and she’d be back at home with her parents.
She stood in the doorway with Ethan on her hip, watching Reuben as he left for work. He headed toward his buggy, then paused midstride to glance back at her. There was nothing in his expression to give away his thoughts. “Not to worry, Reuben Miller,” she said with what she hoped was a smile, “Ethan’s safe with me.”
He gave her a nod. Minutes later, he met her gaze and waved briefly as he steered his buggy off the property. Ellie felt her composure slip as she fought back tears.
Yet she managed a smile for Ethan. “’Tis just you and me, little man,” she murmured as she opened the door and slipped inside. It was only after she put Ethan down for his nap that she allowed herself to cry. After a few minutes, her tears drying on her cheeks, she cleaned Reuben’s house while his son slept.
He couldn’t do it, Reuben thought as he drove to work. He couldn’t marry and get her with child. There were ways to prevent children, weren’t there? He cared for Ellie more than he’d cared for anyone in a long while. But to wed, then get her with child? Nay. How could he?
Did he want to marry Ellie? Ja. Because he wanted a mother for his son? Yes, she was wonderful with him. But that wasn’t the only reason. He loved her. He thought about her all night long and knew he was hopelessly in love with Ellie Stoltzfus.
He knew now he couldn’t have her. She wanted children. She loved Ethan. It was easy to see how much in her blue gaze. But she wanted more. And he couldn’t give them to her. Because if he did, then something might happen to her. And he couldn’t risk it. He wouldn’t survive if anything bad happened to Ellie. He’d have to look for a woman who didn’t want children, who’d be content with Ethan. Someone older who couldn’t have children, perhaps.
Even if it wasn’t Ellie.
He inhaled sharply as he was hit by a fresh wave of pain.
Ellie was a good friend. He had to be satisfied with her friendship.
Reuben arrived at Yoder’s Craft Shop and General Store, where he’d be meeting his crew. They would be driven via car by their English crew member. As he went around the back of the store to where Henry and Leah Yoder allowed them to park their buggies, he saw that Rob Brandon was already there, waiting with the Suburban the construction company provided for their transportation. The three other Amish workers were there, getting their tools out of their buggies. Reuben pulled in his wagon, then got up, secured his horse and reached in for his tool belt. He addressed Rob. “Everyone here?”
The twenty-year-old driver nodded. “All here and accounted for, boss man.”
Reuben sighed at the young man’s irreverence. Rob was a careful driver and a hard worker. He didn’t have any real problems with him. “Let’s move.”
While everyone got into the car with their tools, he couldn’t keep his thoughts from Ellie. A band of pain tightened around his chest. He breathed through it, and the constriction faded.
The job was a new one. They would be building a house for a client of the company, starting from the bottom up. Last week, the basement was dug and footers poured. Today Reuben would be overseeing the masonry work. The property was large, and Reuben told the driver to park away from the building area. He climbed out with his crew, grabbed his tools and went to work.
The end of the workday came faster than he thought it would. He stood for a few moments, talking with the crew, deciding what they wanted to accomplish the next day. Afterward, as he climbed into the vehicle, he was left alone with his thoughts of Ellie. He’d tried fighting them all day, but her image—and her rejection—wouldn’t let go of him.
While Ethan slept, the day dragged on. Everywhere Ellie looked in the house, she saw Reuben. Reuben eating at the kitchen table. Reuben in the great room holding his son. The images, the memories, were painful. She decided that she’d take Ethan to see her parents. She’d hoped that her mother and sisters would have finished canning by the time they arrived. She had to get away from the Reuben Miller home. The morning had started well, but then after the man’s marriage proposal, things had ended badly.
She loved Reuben, she did, but she would not marry him with the knowledge that he’d never love her in the same way. It was good that she’d said no. It was the only thing she could do under the circumstances, but it devastated her.
By the time she arrived home, her sisters had left and her mother was enjoying a cup of tea alone at the kitchen table. “Mam,” she greeted.
Her mother smiled. “Ellie! And little Ethan.”
“I’d hoped that I wouldn’t be interrupting.”
“As you can see, you’re not.” Mam gestured toward a chair at the kitchen table. “Sit. Tea?”
Ellie nodded. “Ja, please.” She pulled a high chair from the corner of the kitchen to the table and strapped Ethan in. She sprinkled the tray with cereal.
Without asking, her mother filled a child’s sippy cup with apple juice, which she silently put on the table. Ellie smiled, then gave it to Ethan. She grinned as the boy put the cup to his lips and drank. He gave her a sloppy smile as he set it down, then grabbed a handful of cereal.
After enjoying tea, then lunch with her mother a little while later, she headed back. Reuben and his marriage proposal had been on her mind all day. She was nervous about facing him. The last thing she wanted was for him to realize that she had deep feelings for him.
Ellie glanced at her watch. She’d get home before Reuben’s return.
As much as she loved the little boy in the seat beside her, she wanted children of her own. At least three more. She thought of the women within the community. Any number of them could marry Reuben, especially the older spinsters. Drawing a painful breath, Ellie realized she hated the thought of him with anyone but her. But how could she complain if he chose another when she’d said no? Which gave her something to think about, something bound to keep her up in the nights ahead.
When they arrived, Ellie was surprised to see Reuben’s buggy in the yard. Her heart raced and she felt sick to her stomach. Heat filled her cheeks, and she had the strongest urge to flee. But then Ethan made a sound, and she realized that she couldn’t escape, not with the man’s son.
There was no sign of Reuben in the yard or inside near the window as they approached the house. Forcing herself to relax, Ellie turned the doorknob, only to have the door pulled from her hand. Reuben stood on the threshold, looking tired and disheveled. She fought the strongest urge to hug him.
“Reuben,” she greeted. “We went on a little trip to see my eldre.”
“Did you have a nice visit?”
“We did,” she said as she smiled at the child in her arms. “Didn’t we, little man?” When she turned back to Reuben, a strange look passed across his face. “Are you hungry? I thought you’d be home later or we would have come back sooner.”
“’Tis fine, Ellie.” He stepped back and she lowered Ethan to the new kitchen floor to play.
“I made chicken potpie earlier, enough for you to have dinner for two days. And there is a cherry pie in the pantry. I remember Sarah said that you liked it. If not, there are cookies in a tin beside the pie.” Ellie knew that she was babbling but was unable to stop herself. Her love for him made her nervous. “I can make you something else if you’d like.”
“Ellie.”
“There is plenty of meat in the freezer, and I took out ground beef earlier to make you something different for dinner tomorrow.”
“Ellie.” His quiet voice drew her up.
“Ja?”
“’Tis all fine. I appreciate all that you do for me.” He smiled. “Relax and breathe.” He looked amused, which only added to his good looks and angered her that she felt embarrassed.
“I should go.” She bent down and placed a gentle kiss on little Ethan’s head. When she rose, she found Reuben watching her with strong emotion in his eyes. She glanced away, because she had to be reading him wrong. It looked as if he didn’t want to lose her. But she knew that couldn’t be true—he only wanted to marry so that Ethan could have a mother. Any woman who was good with children would do. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Reuben—” She stopped. “Unless you arranged to have someone else come in my place?”
He shook his blond head, his blue gaze continuing his perusal of her. The feelings churning inside fueled her need to escape. After a smile for the child on the floor, Ellie opened the door and stepped outside. She made it to her buggy before she glanced back toward the house. Reuben was there. “Ellie!” he cried.
She froze.
“Please think about it. Marrying me. Please reconsider and think about it.”
Ellie nodded, for what else could she do? She felt a pang in her heart as he held her gaze. Her thoughts were filled with his marriage proposal as she headed home.
That night while lying in bed, Ellie stared at the ceiling. She loved Reuben. Should she have agreed to marry him? Wasn’t it better to marry someone you loved than not marry at all? Would she ever find love with another? Or was Reuben it for her? She covered her eyes with an arm. What was she going to do? She loved Ethan, but to be a wife and mother without love? The thought was too painful, and she tried to push it away.