This is a topic that is near and dear to me! I love me some damn breasts and the women who possess them! One thing I don’t understand is men who are nailed down to one type of breast or ass. Look, as far as titties go, it’s like this rhyme I heard:
Appreciate the titty you see today,
For they’re all pretty in their own way.
That damn poem is as true today as it was when I heard it in the third grade. With that, I want to break down for you the three basic types of titties—four if you count fake ones, but I hate fake ones so much that I’m not giving them their own category. With fake ass titties there’s a smell of plastic that makes me feel like I’m in some fucking sci-fi movie having sex with a way too perfect robot. See, I don’t like perfection, I like a balance. If a lady has sexy lips, it works for me if she has a club foot. Or if a lady has perfect thighs, it doesn’t work for me unless she has a sexy ass hump or something like that, see what I’m saying!
I was gonna do a section on ass, but basically there are only two types of asses, fat and flat, and I don’t count the second one. Also, while big asses are desirable, just remember that as big asses get older, the one thing they don’t get is smaller. Anyway, here’s the three types of titties:
1. The Bitty: These are small to nonexistent. Most fat men have bigger ones than these. You might think they serve no purpose, but years ago I heard of a group called the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Well, I went to one of those meetings, and lemme tell you, those damn ladies were some of the sexiest, most organized women I ever met. I wound up making monthly speeches at their meetings, where I discussed the concept that “More than a mouthful is a waste.” They ate that shit up! To be honest with you, that was just some bullshit I had heard; truth is, if you had anything more than a mouthful, you would just put the rest of that shit in the fridge and have it later. Plus, who sits down to eat just a mouthful? I want a plate of damn food—a plate of food, seconds, and some damn dessert!
2. The Titty: These are what you want. These are what you marry! Big, but not too big! Goldilocks specials. They’re big, but they age well. A little exercise and a supportive brassiere will keep a titty spry well into its eighties.
3. The Tattle: These are titties gone wild! If a titty is a container of milk from the supermarket, a tattle is a container of milk from Costco. It is a bulk titty! Most tattles are fake, but a rare special few are natural! Tattles can often be found in strip clubs and tend to demand attention. While tattles are great fun, they do come with a set of drawbacks. Often, big tattles are attached to big owners. Also, over the course of time, tattles endure a long ass journey: They see many things and go many places, and at the end of their journey there comes a time when they must lie down and rest, lay waaay down. Yes, the tale of a tattle is a long one, there is no hiding it. Eventually tattles tattle on themselves, that’s where the word “tattletale” comes from.
And lastly on titties, I’m not into breast reduction. If I was a surgeon, I would require three legitimate reasons to take the breasts down. You never hear of a man getting a Johnson reduction just because his jeans don’t fit the way he wants them to. There are no dick reduction pills. Fact is, a woman has never said, “Oh, you’re too much for me. Please take a pill to take it down.” So the same shit should go for women, too!
By the way, one annoying thing I’ve noticed about the way titties are treated on TV by censors confuses the fuck out of me. They always pixelate the functional parts of our bodies. Like if a thong pops, they pixelate, or they don’t want to show the part of the titty that produces milk. Censors got weird standards. In one hour, I saw the same chest in full view and then pixelated for no fucking reason. I was watching one of those extreme titty makeover shows, and it was about some guy getting a sex change. In the beginning, they showed the man’s chest. The whole fucking thing, hair and nipples and all. The surgeons shaved him and then started drawing circles on his chest and shit where his new breasts were gonna be. They laid him on the gurney, put him under anesthesia, built him some breasts, and then cut to a month later when they took the bandages off. The music got all tense and shit. I couldn’t wait to see what happened to this man’s chest . . .
And boom, they took the bandages off and fucking pixelated the nipples. The same nipples we saw in full view twenty minutes ago, but now they’re attached to a fun bag and we can’t handle them? That’s bullshit. They have no problem showing a fat guy with man titties, but a man with fake titties—that we can’t handle??