You can tell a lot about a potential sex partner by what she does for a living. I’m here to offer some guidelines so you don’t fuck around with the wrong profession. Here are some random thoughts on the matter.
The first is a no-brainer: Stay away from Costco cashiers. Those ladies are used to seeing and handling large things. You are not going to impress them unless you’re extremely well endowed. Stay in your lane . . . is what they will tell you, they tend to use a lot of shopping lingo.
Nurses are always a good fuck. They are caregivers and they know how to clean you up after sex—a nice hot towel to reinvigorate you, some warm coconut oil on you skin to open your pores, and an IV drip to replenish lost fluid. And in case of medical emergencies that occur during the act, having a nurse around just may save your damn life! As a matter of fact, for anyone over sixty-five, I say only fuck nurses, it’s a no-brainer.
Now personally—and I can say this because I’m black—I like black nannies. You go to the park in the afternoon and you’ll see a whole bunch of those fine ass ladies in all flavors. At really nice parks there’s usually a whole selection to choose from. Why a black nanny, you ask? A few reasons. Black nannies know how to keep things secret. They watch their employers do all sorts of outlandish shit and they never say a word. Also, they are usually paid under the table, so keeping secrets is in their job description.
But the best part of being with a black nanny is that they’ll treat you right. They’ll fuck you and then make you a sandwich and cut the crusts off. They’ll bring shit to your house in little Ziplocs (save them bags for later use), things like baby carrots, string cheese, healthy snacks to help you get through the day. These ladies love when you nap—they even tuck you in for your nappie-poo. They wipe your nose with the tissues they keep in their fucking bra. They are the best.
And you can be your true nasty ass self around them because they have a high tolerance for gross shit. You see, they spend all day cleaning up kids’ snot. A kid’s nose is like a caterpillar that blooms into a butterfly—snot is the caterpillar and the butterfly is the booger payoff. Children have so much fucking snot it’s crazy. Where does all this snot come from? It’s like a snotty ass assembly line. Kids don’t have the sinus power to suck it back up like we adults do. No, on a nasty ass kid snot can’t be stopped, and kids just let it flow.
On the other hand most adults have the ability to manage their snot flow. Like Viola Davis. What an amazing actress! She has remarkable control of her snot. If you ask me, I think she feels snot represents emotion, and when you let the snot flow it’s like you’re telling the world you don’t give a shit what they think . . . give me my fucking Oscar!