The Amish have it right. Simple living. Making your own butter. That’s the shit. But I don’t want to make my own butter. Butter is cheap and good and comes in a stick, so I like it. What I wanna do is learn how to make my own cereal. ’Cause the cereal makers keep that shit secret. It’s fucking frustrating. I mean, if McDonald’s can tell you how to make a Big Mac, why can’t Procter & Gamble tell me how to make Cap’n Crunch? I’ll tell you, because it’s fucking impossible to make. You ever read what’s in it?! All those additives and preservatives!? The average person doesn’t have the scientific ability to do it!
Not only that, but cereal is fucking expensive. Cap’n Crunch is like six dollars a box!?!?! That’s more than a gallon of gasoline! Why does a box of damn cereal cost more than a gallon of gasoline?! For six dollars a box, it should come with milk and a spoon already in there! And a divider in the box to keep that shit from getting messy.
Here’s the rub: If you do figure out how to make your own cereal, you will fuck the market up. That’s why the cereal makers are so fucking scared. That’s why they keep the Froot Loops recipe under such wraps.
But guess what? I don’t want to make fucking Froot Loops or Cap’n Crunch. I want to make adult cereal. ’Cause adults are the ones stuck with the boring ass cereals like Special K and Chex. We need to spice that shit up.
I’m making a cereal called “Junk Drawer.” That would be one of those surprise cereals, ’cause you never know what you have in your fucking junk drawer. So all the pieces of cereal would be shaped accordingly. Edible shit, only shaped like a toenail clipper, gummy bear, scissors, chopsticks, soy sauce packets, spare keys. And the box would be shaped like a drawer, and you don’t open it from the top—the compartment just slides out like a real drawer.
“Kitty Litter” is also a good name for a cereal. It just sounds good. It’s not about what it is, it’s about what it’s made of. It’s still good and sweet. And you put a cute ass kitten on the box? Boom! People love fucking kittens! You will sell that shit. Throw some chocolate chunks in there to keep it real. Even better, put a Hawaiian shirt and shorts on the kitty. Everyone loves a Hawaiian kitty. Everyone loves Hawaiian everything!
How much better would the homeless look if we gave them all Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops?
Maybe we can also create a homeless cereal that’s a little cheaper, easier to digest, and feeds them through the day. Better yet, let’s make a cereal called “Windfall.” The pieces are shaped like coins. Fucking brilliant. Fuck that. Let’s go forward backward and make all coins edible. That way people can either use it or eat it. The government’s gotta make more money anyway. That way the people who don’t have a meal at home can eat their salary, so if they ate like pigs, they can just spend it on some hookers and blow if they choose. If you go to IHOP and order silver-dollar pancakes, they’re gonna be made out of actual silver dollars, so you can eat one and pay for it with another.
If you’re a family of five and all you have is a ten-dollar bill, you go get change for that ten dollars and then you can feed the whole table. Economy fixed. Hunger fixed.
Homemade is not always a good thing. Sure, someone invites your ass over for some homemade apple pie, that’s a good thing. But what if they offer you a stick of homemade gum? No good. Don’t take any homemade thing that you can’t make yourself! Shit like gum! And aspirin! Cereal! Fucking deodorant! You mean to tell me you’re at home making deodorant? You somehow figure out the “musty code,” wise ass? No way, muthafucka. No way you are making homemade deodorant that actually works. And don’t even think of telling me it’s antiperspirant, because I know the difference between the two and I’m not risking my sex life on your homemade lab experiments.