Now, apart from the homeless, who for the most part have had some fucked-up circumstance and find themselves in unfortunate situations, I want to shine some light on another group of people. A group of people who also find themselves homeless, but this group did that shit to themselves and now expect other people to take care of them and pay their way. I’m talking about muthafuckas in the Witness Protection Program!
You see them in movies all the time cutting deals and getting set up somewhere nice. And who pays for that!? Taxpayers, that’s who! And why? I mean, you fucked up! Why should I pay for you to get some nice house in Phoenix! Fucking 5346 Canyon Drive in Phoenix, with that nice ass view, just ’cause somebody wants to blow your fucking head off because you squealed on Two Finger Tony for some racketeering charge, huh, Mike? You, your wife, your two beautiful kids, your fucking mother-in-law? That’s on you, Mike! (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)
I tell you what the courts or the feds or whoever is cutting that deal should do: Make them work that shit off!
Fuck it, send them to work for the Jehovah Witness knocking on doors and handing out pamphlets and shit. Being with them is like being hidden in plain sight! You could show up at someone’s door with blood on your jacket, handcuffs on, racketeering money hanging out of your pocket and be wearing an I Snitch t-shirt, and still no one would make the connection. Believe me, nobody is looking to find anyone associated with the Jehovah Witness! Perfect hiding place! Now you could hook them up with Scientology, but I would only do that in cases of extreme deep cover. Actually I have the perfect job for them! Since people in the Witness Protection Program can’t show their faces, make them team mascots. You know those dumb ass costumed ones you see at games, like that green big-bottomed one, the Phillie Phanatic, or the San Diego Chicken, or even the one from New York with that big baseball head—shit, even those damn big ass sausages that race. You ever see those sausages? I think one is a kielbasa, one is Italian, one is Polish, I think there’s even a racist-looking chorizo wearing a sombrero—anyway, those muthafuckas race and it’s hilarious!
Anyway, they don’t get to be anything cool like that because those mascots fuck. Trust me, people wait for them till after the game to play out some fantasies and fuck. Think that San Diego Chicken—as long as he has been doing it—doesn’t have a bunch of baby chicks running around? Like I said, don’t let them be cool ones at major sporting events, make them work at bullshit parks in the middle of nowhere. And make sure the character they play is real degrading: Make them dress up in a gigantic ass costume, one with two big buttocks! And make sure the team has a Foot in the Ass Day, where fans get to come on the field and kick the Ass! That’s what you get, Mike!