I tell you, snitching has gotten a bad reputation. To snitch just means to inform on someone; it doesn’t say anything about sending someone to jail. What I’m trying to say is that just like you can snitch negative stuff, you can also snitch positive stuff. That’s why, if I was technologically inclined, I would make a mint with this idea—and don’t steal this shit—the Positive Snitch App. This app would send texts, emails, and phone calls to your significant other to positively snitch on you. The messages start off like they are going to be scandalous, but they end up positive.
Let’s say you’re cheating on your girlfriend and you fuck around and leave your jacket at her place—and the jacket your lady gave you is an anniversary gift. Open up the app, punch in the details, and then before your ass gets whupped, your lady will get this text:
You don’t know me, but I was in the supermarket and I saw your man—I think you were on the phone with him—anyway, I had this tight skirt on and I bent over and it ripped! Girl, you know what your man did? He took off his jacket and handed it to me to wrap around my big booty. When he did, he dropped his phone, and I saw your name and number with a heart emoji, so I memorized the number to text you to tell you what a good ass man you’ve got!
Pretty good, huh? I added the “big booty” part to make it more realistic, because your lady knows you and she knows you wouldn’t be so ready to help some lady unless she had a big booty. Now, when you walk in the door, before you can even begin to lie about the jacket, she’s like, “Baby, I know what happened. You are such a gentleman! Come here!” See that! I’ve got a lot of get your ass out of trouble ideas. Billionaires, hit me up, I’m always looking for investors.