You Uber? What the fuck are you thinking?? You driving for Lyft? What the fuck are you thinking? Weren’t ya’ll taught to never pick up strangers or get in a car with strangers? But now, all of a sudden, off of reviews from possible psychopaths and a tiny ass picture, y’all go for a ride together, with the hope that you have a mutual Uberstanding that neither one of you will murder the other. But Uberstandings don’t mean shit.
Imagine you get picked up one night by a guy named Dou-Dou. Think that doesn’t even sound right? Sounds like some made-up shit to you?! Trust me, I’ve heard some stories! BUT because Dou-Dou has a 3.2 rating and it’s late and you’re tired, you decide to trust him. You get into his banged-up UberX Corolla that smells like old hot dog water and shame. And then Dou-Dou starts fighting with his wife on the phone in French. He yells at her about his sister-in-law’s husband not wanting to be an Uber driver because he’s lazy, and really that muthafucka just doesn’t want to work at all. All of a sudden Dou-Dou gets so angry that he bangs the dashboard, misses a stop sign, and knocks over an old man on his motorized wheelchair. It’s at that point you begin to realize how Dou-Dou lost those rating points, Dou-Dou clearly has some anger issues. Bottom line: while I like and use Uber, never forget you don’t know that fucking driver. And every time you hop in one of those bitches, you are violating one of the first things you were taught as a child, right after “Don’t go swimming after you eat” and “Don’t stand under a tree during a lightning storm,” which is “Never take a ride from a stranger!” Uberstand?