I’m a pretty damn healthy person. Growing up, the only childhood illness I ever had was the chicken pox. I was pretty damn lucky; kids get a lot of nasty, annoying shit. To be honest, your average kid stays sick, and I blame schools for that. Schools are a breeding ground for all sorts of nasty ass kid afflictions. Besides the big ones, like chicken pox, measles, and the mumps, there’s smaller nastier stuff, like pinkeye, head lice, and ringworm. Not to mention all the snot-based, runny-nose illnesses kids get. It’s a wonder any of them ever become adults.
I once knew a kid who had the Big Three (chicken pox, measles, and mumps) all at once. Can you imagine that? I don’t know if this is true, but I even heard that he also was constipated and had diarrhea at the same damn time! I’m telling you, all anyone could do was talk about that muthafucka: the students, the teachers, the damn principal—his ass was legendary! He missed the whole seventh grade, and they just let his itchy, scabby ass slide right to the eighth. I don’t know if that was legal, but I do know it was the right thing to do! Having the Big Three was like a badge of honor! For all the respect he got, that kid might as well have served in Desert Storm!
Luckily, certain illnesses like the ones I mentioned you only get once when you are young—you get them over with nice and early. That’s why they call them “childhood diseases.” You’re a little kid, you ain’t got no bills to pay, you’re in a position to lie in that bed for a few months with no worries. Your meals will be provided for, someone will rub calamine lotion and help you wash your ass—yes, all is good! Try getting one of those illnesses when you’re grown! Try calling out sick from work ’cause your nasty ass has ringworm. See what kind of sympathy you get when you have to walk into the break room with bumps all over your fucking body because you don’t have any sick time left. And don’t be calling in with a childhood affliction if you’re single! How are you gonna explain why you have head lice with no fucking kids around?!