When it comes to illnesses, there are lots of medicines and treatments to deal with them, but, see, I’m more about prevention. So with that being said, I want to take a moment and talk to you about a preventable affliction that many men walk around with every damn day.
I’m talking about Flu Dick. Fortunately it is preventable, and I am here to bring awareness to this highly transmittable virus.
Dudes. You walk around all day touching random shit: doorknobs, subway poles, money. Worse yet, you touch nastier shit—other muthafuckas! You walk around high-fiving, fist bumping, and handshaking muthafuckas, thus allowing for the potential of contracting the virus. I myself avoid casual physical contact with other muthafuckas, but if you’re in a situation where you absolutely must touch someone to greet them—I’m talking like a prince or a governor, a former president, or like a maharishi or some shit—I suggest giving a pound or a fist bump. Contrary to popular belief, you are much less likely to contract a virus with a pound or a fist bump versus a handshake or a high five. You might notice that I have distinguished between the fist bump and the pound. Pounds are for the average person, they are easy to pull off; when someone sees you getting ready to give their ass a pound, they are in turn ready to give one back.
But a fist bump is not always as easy to read, and what can happen is you could be going in for a fist bump while that other muthafucka is going in for a handshake and wind up punching that courteous damn man on the hand and breaking his fingertips. That being said, both a fist bump and a pound limit the amount of time you are making contact with that filthy fucking maharishi, and that’s important because it’s during that crucial moment when you are on the path to either contracting or transmitting Flu Dick. Not to mention muthafuckas who like to give high fives are usually too excited, and that shit gets annoying. This has nothing to do with Flu Dick, I’m just pointing that out.
Now you got the flu on your fucking hands but you don’t know it. It’s not as though your hands turn blue like when you’re robbing a bank and that hatin’ ass teller sneaks one of those exploding ink packs in the money bag. That shit’s fucked up. It would almost be a good thing if the virus turned your hand blue, that way you’d know who not to fuck with. I said almost, ’cause trust me, that shit is hard to get off. Like I said, you have the virus on your hands, now here’s how your dick gets it.
You go to the bathroom. Proper procedure, if you’re not a completely filthy muthafucka, is that you wash your hands before leaving the bathroom, but if you want to prevent Flu Dick, you are going to have to be more vigilant than that. You have two choices: either wash your hands before and after, or, better and more effective, wash your hands after and then wash your damn Johnson. Now, I understand some of you might feel uncomfortable washing your Johnson in the sink in front of strangers, but remember you are woke and they’re not, so enlighten them. So if you’re there drying your Johnson with one of them rough ass paper towels or that hot air blower and somebody says some shit to you, just look his ass in the eye and say, “I’m preventing Flu Dick, muthafucka,” and handle your business.
Unfortunately, though, most men don’t know the proper cleaning procedure that I mentioned, so back to what I was saying. You go into the bathroom and just take your dick out with your dirty ass flu hands, relieve yourself, and then put your Johnson back in your pants, and boom! You just got flu dick. You go home, you walk into the house, you make love to your wife with your flu dick, and now her pussy, formerly known as healthy, has got the flu. That’s fucked up and you know it. The solution is so obvious it pisses me off: wash your hands before you pull your dick out. And wash them again when you’re done.
Together we can make Flu Dick a thing of the past.