These days people love themselves some damn superheroes! I’m not gonna lie, man, I love that shit too, I dream about that stuff all the time! Who wouldn’t want to be a damn superhero? There’s so many of them I like that I can’t pick a favorite. To be honest, I’m already kind of a superhero myself because I have a superpower: I have the power of persuasion. You understand what that is, right? I have to the ability to talk a man into believing in me, and talk a lady out of her panties. That shit is a gift, the gift of gab! Superman couldn’t do that! Batman couldn’t do that! Then again, that muthafucka is a bad ass millionaire, he might be able to do that—shit, he is the Dark Knight!
Like I said, I already have a superpower, but if I was gonna add some more abilities, here’s what I would want:
1. Density—I would look like myself, normal appearance, but I would be as fuckin’ heavy as an elephant. If I caused trouble in a restaurant over some cold soup and security came to remove me, they wouldn’t be able to budge me. And don’t fuck around and make me step on your damn foot—I would flatten your shit. One problem, though: I would have to shit standing up ’cause I would break any toilet if I sat down. I’m sayin’ I would be fucking solid! Also, like an elephant I would have an excellent memory, I would be my own villain database; they all would be in my head. My only weakness: mice.
2. Flight—I would have the power of flight but I would only be able to fly two feet off the ground; see, I’m afraid of heights. It would work out well, though, because being on street level would help me be able to see shit with more detail. I would have the ability to find small shit like contact lenses. Do you know the kind of evidence I could find?! A chewed-up piece of gum, bullet fragments, shiiiit! Plus if you fly two feet off the ground, you are more accessible to ladies; you would be there right at waist level making it easy to flirt and get some numbers. Also, if a muthafucka owed you some money, you could fly right at pocket level and chase him down till he paid up. My only weakness: parked cars, fences, hydrants, parking meters, Great Danes, bags of garbage, dwarfs—actually too many obstacles to list, so I’ll just say et cetera.
3. Overhearing—It’s not that I would have great hearing, it’s that I would always be in the right place to overhear shit. Good shit, bad shit, bullshit—I would be able to hear it all. Also, I would have selective hearing, which means I would have the ability to only overhear the shit that I wanted to, meaning I would be able to focus on one specific thing and block out the rest. Do you know how cool that it is? Other superheroes with superhearing have to listen to everything, all kinds of bullshit, but not the kid. My only weakness: a muthafucka catching me all up in his business.
4. Shadowing—I could turn into your shadow on the ground, that way I could follow you without you knowing. And if you made love to your lady outdoors in the sun, I would fuck the shit out of your lady’s shadow. My weakness: obviously, darkness.
5. Vision—See, ’cause my last name is Black, I would have Black Light vision. I would be able to see all types shit, DNA, cum, semen—I think those three are the same but I still had to mention each one of them. Also, I would see piss, urine, fecal matter, bodily fluids . . . I would be able to see all that mess on walls, on floors, on ceilings, on people, yes on fucking people! My weakness: dirty ass hotel rooms. What? As useful as that power would be, do you understand the curse that comes along with it? The world is a filthy fuckin’ place! Imagine staying in a hotel room if you had Black Light vision? Seeing all the shit that’s splattered all over that damn hotel bathroom? And the mattress!?! Don’t get me started on that! That’s why I would have to wear a utility belt filled with super cleaning products so that I could clean shit up for my own sanity! All kinds of cleaning products, Kaboom, Mr. Clean, sponges, Handi Wipes, a retractable Swiffer! All that shit! That being said, I would be able to solve the fuck out of some crimes!