Someone suggested I watch some show called Naked and Afraid. I figured it had “naked” in the title, so it was worth me checking it out. On the show, they put a sexy couple of naked strangers in the forest and they challenge them to survive the elements for twenty-one days. I watched the first ten minutes of the show and thought to myself that the hardest part of this show wouldn’t be to survive nature for twenty-one days. No, the hardest part for me would be to not bring the ruckus to that sexy naked ass stranger. I’m like, “How do these people not have sex all day long?” Until I started to realize those naked people don’t have any soap, any damn toilet paper—that’s why those nasty ass naked people don’t fuck.
With the idea of fucking out of the way, I just sat there and watched these people try to survive. Throughout the show, all these two filthy naked ass people did was complain about how hard things were. Hard to survive in nature? Are you kidding me? Sitting there worried about some wild animals? Why? What’s that animal gonna do to you? Eat you? Maybe, but at least that’s all he wants to do. An animal’s motives are straightforward, which is easy to navigate. Now, a person—any person—is way scarier to me than any damn animal! People commit premeditated crimes, animals don’t. I have never heard of a raccoon taking a person’s wallet at gunpoint. You will never read about a kangaroo stealing someone’s identity and using it to get a credit card, go on Amazon, and buy a Fire TV Stick. Man, I watch this other show, The First 48. On that show, you see a detective trying to solve a murder within forty-eight hours. Not once on that show have I ever seen them bring a warthog in for questioning, not once. Now, I did read online about a silverback gorilla that tore a man’s face off. But as horrible a crime as that was, it doesn’t compare to the time I heard about a man who meticulously cut this other man’s face off and was caught wearing it when he got pulled over driving the man’s Jeep Cherokee. Give me a damn animal any day.