I’ve tapped some old ass ladies. Plenty. People call them “cougars.” I don’t. First thing I think about when I hear the word “cougar” is a Buick or a Pontiac or whoever manufactured that fucking car in the 1970s. I’ll tell you the biggest perk of tapping old ass ladies: They doze off early. You don’t have to siphon off the entire evening. You make love to an old ass lady and then let them doze off while you do the other shit in the meantime: watch basketball, or if you’re at her house, you can do laundry and shit. I’m not talking about any old lady, I’m talking about the ones that took care of themselves. Sometimes while they’re sleeping, the grandkids are gonna call. And then you gotta tell them, “Sorry, Johnnie, Grandma is sleeping.” “Why?” they’ll ask. And you gotta be honest: “Because I tore your grandma’s ass up. I’ma be honest with you, your grandma’s fast, meaning she’s vivacious and she can hang with a man half her age.” Now, don’t let anyone tell you that’s bad parenting, ’cause you’re not their parent, you’re just the dude tapping their old grandma.
I don’t want you to think I just take from old people, I also give back. I used to give lectures at old-age homes about how to get laid. On another subject in my experience, I’ve noticed that old folks’ homes either ironically have “Shady” or “Sunny” in their name. And don’t quote me, but the old people at the Sunny ones seem happy and energetic, while the ones in the Shady ones seem sneaky, unhappy, and vindictive. It’s not like I did a study or anything, I’m just saying.
One thing I would preach to those old people is the importance of stretching. What I told those old ass people goes for anyone over fifty reading this book: Stretch every part of your body. I’m serious, I cannot emphasize this enough. If you can’t stretch yourself, have a buddy stretch you for you. The last thing y’all need is to pull a muscle in the middle of fucking. You’re already both at risk for heart attacks, slipped discs, and strokes. Try to minimize the risk and just move your body around a bit, simulate the back and forth of fucking if you have to.
For anyone under fifty reading this book, you might be surprised to know that if you can get past all the clicking and cracking sounds, old people are pretty damn flexible. It’s easy to understand why, though: Old people love going to classes. They love themselves some tai chi and yoga! Oh, and mall walking. They really love the fuck out of some mall walking! They get up early, put on some old Al Sharpton or Tony Soprano jogging suits, and walk briskly around a mall. They move their arms like they’re running, but the fact is they are walking, slow as shit. The irony is that some people call sexy old women “cougars,” but I ain’t never seen a cougar walk that damn slow!
I wish old people did have the characteristics of a real ass cougar, though. Criminals would think twice about mugging a sweet little old lady if they had to worry about being mauled by her.