Every religion has its legitimate parts and its crazy ass parts, but I don’t judge, ’cause the crazy parts help people take in the legitimate parts. I’m a religious buffetarian. I take a little bit of everything from everybody, because at the end of the day, religion is supposed to help people. Leonism is a religion, and a damn good one. But you don’t see me plastering myself on walls of buildings or stained-glass windows. Because I’m humble.
And I believe my disciples should have their own face as their God, ’cause believing in yourself is what makes you powerful. It’s what allows you to bring the ruckus. So you can adopt my tenets and my beliefs and make them your own.
Sure, I’ve gone through phases where I said, “Leon, make yourself some fucking bumper stickers, or make a bunch of cookies with your face on them, sneak into Nabisco or some shit and mix your cookies into a box of that Keebler Elves’ shit so that people around the world can find your image in their Keebler Elf cookie box. All you need is one in each box, but you have to put your shit into a lot of boxes, because most people will just wind up eating your cookie and never seeing your face. Trust me, that kind of publicity works! People see religious images in everything—toast, burnt pancake, Cheetos, tater tots, pizza, Cinnabons, cappuccino . . . not just food, though: clouds, trees, the knots on the back of someone’s head—trust me, if people are looking for religious images, they will find them everywhere. So spread your gospel, and get credit for it.
But then I realized that’s my ego talking, not my divine spirit and self. So myself says, “Fuck that, I don’t need people following me everywhere, this God has some very un-Godly shit to do, and I damn sure don’t need nobody watching me.”
Trust me, it’s better to be a God figure that’s off the grid than to have your disciples all up in your damn scriptures.
Leonism is spreading at a phenomenal rate, and before long, I know I’m gonna get phone calls from pissed-off religious leaders all over the world. Rabbis, priests, reverends—shit, I know Oprah’s gonna call to debunk Leonism on Super Soul Sunday . . . Then the Dalai Lama’s probably gonna call me and be like, “Leon, my brother, what are you doing? I’ve been working hard without even having my own country as a base to spread the word of kindness and compassion around the world, and you’re f*#king it all up for me!”