Now, I’m not trying to tell you to go out there, buy a bottle of champagne, and try to pour it into a damn croissant. That shit is messy—I know, I’ve tried it. Believe me, I’ve seen champagne poured into some crazy places, shit I’ve been around. Look, a champagne-filled croissant is a fucking figure of speech! Just like when people say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” they’re not gonna eat no damn Sea Biscuit. First of all, eating a horse is socially unacceptable, and second, that’s too much damn meat. When you hear champagne-filled croissants, it should immediately take you to a place of decadence.
I will admit that the champagne-filled croissant sounds like some French shit. I’ve been to Paris once, with Larry. I found it to be fucking amazing! It didn’t take long for me to learn a little French and start throwing some wee wee around. Now one thing about the French, they know how to have a great time. They have a certain level of class and decadence built into their culture.
Now, you don’t have to be rich to understand decadence. We’re talking bougie shit, like a Rolls-Royce made out of sorbet, some caviar cookies, or an eleven-piece pinstripe muthafuckin’ suit. Just make sure you say it right and fancy, and drop the “t.” You can’t say “hot dog” and be fancy, but saying “croissant” forces your decadent hand. Now, a champagne-filled croissant is a level of extreme decadence. If I’m living large and I’m doing something decadent, sitting on a heated toilet with my fuckin’ feet up and eating seedless grapes while an Asian lady gives me a pedicure, and if someone calls my phone, I answer it and tell them what the fuck I’m doing. I tell them I’m having a champagne-filled croissant, and that fills their head with decadence. They close their fucking eyes and they envision the fucking croissant drenched in champagne—AWWW, nice. It’s that unattainable kind of decadence, and everyone wants to do it, like opening a clam and finding an oyster inside. CF muthafuckin’ C!