ZEN AND THE ART OF CARPE DATEM

Essence #4
First Date Follow-Up

Communication and the Next Right Move

The first date is either a beginning or an ending, but what happens next? Unless you drank too much, you can usually tell while you’re still on the date how it went, right? WRONG. You only know how it felt for you and how it went for you. What happened on their end, what their impression of the same event is might be totally different than yours. It happens all the time. This is where much of the frustration of dating lies. Two people on the same date with completely different stories—one of them thinks it was great, you totally clicked and can’t wait to do it again; the other thinks it was okay but is on the fence as to whether or not they want to see the sequel. Even if you kissed, you never really know how it went, but the thing is that you want to know! That’s what this chapter is all about. In the absence of information, what is the next right move?

You are going to hate this, but the next right move is to remain completely still. Not actually still; that would be weird, especially if you have a roommate. They won’t understand why you are standing frozen stiff in the kitchen. Even though surely you followed through with our First Date “Definitely Do’s” from the previous chapter, which included letting your date know what a really good time you had, you will have the urge to call him and reiterate what a great time you had or some version of that. While that’s a nice idea, let’s be real … you aren’t doing it to show him how well versed in the rules of etiquette you are; you just want to find out if he felt the same way. Hate to break it to you, peaches, but that’s a classic form of rushing him into a response. So put down the smartphone and just savor the date for a while and let him do the same. There is something kind of magical in those first twenty-four hours following a great date where you get to relive moments of it in your head, so enjoy them. In fact, go the opposite direction with your energy. Call your buddies and have a brunch, go for a run to remind yourself that no matter how your heart feels or that your stomach is filled with bees that you are still you, and as such you must take care of you. Don’t wait by that phone; in fact, if you can leave yours at home when you go out, then do. Chances are if he had as good a time as you did he’s wondering what to do next. Let’s let him wonder!

Most guys aren’t expecting you to make the next move, and often when you do it backfires. One of the things we have noticed in American culture is an inability to really seduce one another. In our Burger King drive-thru society we like to get to the meal before we get home, barely remembering what the food tastes like. That’s because we know we’ll eat again. But if we ate every meal like it was our last, we’d spend more time savoring the flavors. That’s all we’re asking you to do: slow the process down, enjoy it while it’s happening, and let it unfold the way it naturally wants to.

If the first date was totally a nonevent, you didn’t connect, had nothing to talk about and no chemistry then it’s pretty clear that not only won’t there be a repeat performance but that it’s likely curtains for any further contact. But if there was a spark, an attraction or a connection, then you’re now in the waiting purgatory. Was it good for him? Does he like me? Is he going to call? When will he call? How many days is an okay amount of days? How many is too many days? Do I have any messages? Is my phone working? Maybe I should check my e-mail?

Look, a guy knows before the end of the first date with you whether or not he wants to go out with you again. How he plays it if he does want to date you again is what you’re waiting to find out. Is he a wait three days caller? A next day texter? Or a disappear off the face of the earth guy? You’ll find out soon enough.

Even though you approached your date with a Zen mindset and the It’s Just a F***ing Date! attitude, it’s not always the easiest thing to carry over after actually having a good date. So don’t let your mind run away with you now. Take a moment to recognize that, yes, it would be great if he called, but if he doesn’t then it’s no biggie. If he wasn’t down with the Sparkly and Exotic program that is you for date number two, then he certainly wasn’t Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, or Mr. Knock Your Socks Off In Bed. It’s no one’s loss but his. Deep breath in, exhale out. Let it go. Okay, good. Now any time you feel yourself getting fixated or anxious about the post–first date contact void just repeat the mantra: “It’s just a f***ing date, so let it go.” Then take a moment to remember that there are great things in store for all of us and they are all beyond our control. We can’t make things happen, but we CAN stop them from happening by screwing things up.

What Does It Mean & What Do You Do?

While you’re obsessing over his contact, lack of contact or methods of contact, we thought we’d help you decipher what is more than likely happening over at Dude Headquarters and what your response to it should be. While our gut reaction is “Who cares what the hell is going on over there, you’re where the action is!” here are some popular scenarios …

	What does it mean…	What do you do?
He doesn’t call the next day.	It probably doesn’t mean anything. He’s probably trying to figure out what his next move is and taking some space to think about you, whether he likes you “that way,” and giving you space to do the same.	Barely notice because you have plans and aren’t expecting to hear from him yet anyway.
He doesn’t call after two days.	He’s doing the regular guy stuff that guys do and either he’s considering when the right time to call is OR he’s decided not to call.	Continue having your life and DO NOT call, text or e-mail him.
He doesn’t call within the first week.	It’s not good news. If he likes you and wants to date you again, there will be contact within the first week … barring his deployment to Iraq, his sudden slip into a coma, or the spotty mobile service atop Mt. Everest.	If you like him then you can be sad for a moment, maybe even call a friend to commiserate, then you let it go. It was just a date. Move on to the next one.
He doesn’t call within the first week, but texts or e-mails, “What have you been up to?”	That means he almost wants to date you and would be open to a booty call.	Don’t respond. Seriously. If he decides he wants to see you again he knows where to CALL you. With his actual voice. Like a f***ing gentleman.
He doesn’t call within the first week, but texts or e-mails, “Had a great time. Been thinking about you. You free on Friday night?”	That means he almost wants to date you.	Wait awhile to get back to him, then text him that he’ll have to call you for the answer.
He doesn’t call for three weeks, then texts or e-mails, “What have you been up to?”	That means he’s looking for a booty call and hoping you weren’t crushed enough by him blowing you off to put out.	Wait awhile then text back, “Just dating losers like you.”
He doesn’t call for three weeks, then texts or e-mails, “Been out of town and thinking about you. You free on Friday night?”	That means that the other girl he was dating didn’t pan out so he’s willing to give it another try with you. Also, that he didn’t miss you enough to call you.	Wait awhile then text or e-mail him back, “You must have the wrong number. My name is Mike, but I’m free Friday night.”

Converting the Text, By Amiira

Boys will be boys and therefore will often try to get away with the least amount of effort, commitment or communication possible. In our society, the norms are that guys are “bad communicators” and women expect too much from them in this area. Now, because of this stigma, guys think that any form of communication is good enough, should count, and we ladies agree with that … to a point. Yes, there’s the convenience of text messaging or Snapchatting, and there’s something sexy about it when you get a “I’m in a meeting but I’m thinking about you. Talk to you later.” Sure. But that’s because there’s a “talk to you later” chaser at the end. When you’re in the stages of Post–First Date Meltdown and the phone isn’t ringing, texting ain’t gonna cut it. Texting says I’m kind of into you, but calling says I want to hear your voice. Someone who only text messages you is just keeping you on the line in case he doesn’t find someone he’s more attracted to by the time he wants to get laid. If a guy’s really interested in getting to know you, then contacting you via text, e-mail, IM, social network comment or whatever other modern and impersonal way the geniuses develop next would be SECONDARY to talking to or seeing you in person. HOWEVER, he still might see if he can get away with “shortcut dating” by way of technology in the beginning. It’s up to you to be clear that getting to know the glory of you takes place on the phone or in person. The more you engage in impersonal communication, the more you’re going to get it. The more casual ways of communicating are fine to supplement the already existing relationship, but to build one from scratch requires more time than it takes to type Prince-style shorthand into your mobile phone. (U R so funny C U L 8 R.)

How do you convert a texter or an e-mailer into a caller? Simple. Don’t accept the idea that his chosen form of communication is enough. When he texts or emails you instead of calling you, then you simply reply with any version of the following:

“E-mail system is being shut down. Call me in 5 minutes.”

“Can’t talk now. Call me at 7:00 p.m. Lots to tell you.”

“Getting carpal tunnel from texting. Call me on my mobile.”

“I’m better on the phone. Call me later.”

“Typing is my day job. Give me a call.”

“I can’t remember what your voice sounds like.”

You get the picture. Then when he calls, let him know that you’re not much of an e-mailer or texter but are awesome on the phone. Basically, if you don’t engage in texting and e-mailing instead of talking to each other, he’ll have only two choices: to call you or find someone willing to settle for less. For my money, there’s nothing like that good night call at the end of the day from the new person you like, and a text just isn’t the same.

The New Laws of Attraction, by Greg

Let him call you after the first date.

Just let it lay. Wouldn’t you want your date to stand as the last good thing in his mind? Rather than a series of: “Uh, hi. I can’t remember if I was supposed to call you, or were you supposed to call me. Anyhoooozle, I just wanted to tell you I had a great time … again. Okay, bye.” “Oh, hey, it’s me, my phone cut out I think. I just wanted to say, um … had a great time. Okay, bye for now.” “Hey, it’s me again Janet … from Friday. I forgot to leave my number; it’s …” You get the point. If you went out and gave him the best version of you, that’s really all you can do. He’s had a taste of your delicious company; don’t crap on it. Do not replace the awesome lingering thoughts with a shit sandwich. Look, sometimes a dude needs to take a moment to think about what has happened. A guy can like you and want to go out with you again, but want to wait a few days to call you. That’s the space he wants to think about you, enjoy thinking about the date, talk to his friends about it and give you plenty of time to do the same while hoping he’s going to call. The immediate space is good. It can be delicate too. If you crowd a guy with too many texts, emails, messages, whatever, it can actually make us like you less. It goes back to rushing people into doing something they weren’t going to do yet and freaking people out with your need to know what they’re thinking. Rarely do you know after a first date that it’s going to be true love, so we’re sitting on a fence after date number one. The fence itself is liking you, and on one side is I really like her/could love her in the future and the other side is NOPE! You can actually swing us over to the NOPE side.

That’s Just You Looking for a Loophole

We hear it all the time: it’s been two days since your date and you haven’t heard from him, but there’s been some glitch in your e-mail, voicemail, mobile phone, SIM card or whatever. So you think you should use that as the excuse to make contact. Look, headstrong lady, you can do what you want, but before you do, think about this. If you wanted to reach someone and their gadget had a glitch that disabled it from taking your message, would you stop trying to reach them, or would you find another way? You’d find another way. Now, is this guy who hasn’t called you yet a moron? Then let him figure it out. You might find this hard to believe, but YOU’RE WORTH TRACKING DOWN.

Carpe Datem Rock’em Sock’em Superbook

Okay, you are going to hate this, but let us tell you why it’s a good idea before you shut us down. We think you should keep a dating journal. “You guys you have to be kidding me.” No, we are not. Look, you are now a person who goes on dates. How hard would it be to jot down a couple of notes about the date to remind yourself of who you dated, what you wore, where you went, and what the highlights were? But more importantly, what you did or said that was great, what you did or said that was stupid, did you get kissed, drink too much, etc. … That way you can go back and see that “Oh man, I loved that blue dress but I hated Crabs A Lot Seafood Playroom.” Below is a sample of the kinds of things that are good to remember.

Who did you go out with?

Did you like him?

Do you want to see him again?

Did you make plans to do so or at least tell him, “I had a really good time”?

Did you like what you wore?

Did you like what he wore?

Did you like what you talked about?

Did you like what he talked about?

Were you sexually attracted to him?

Did he try and kiss you?

How did the date end?

What could you have done better?

What was your best moment?