Principle #7: Don't Show the Movie Before the Trailer!

THE 8 SUPER EXTRAORDINARY PRINCIPLES FOR ULTRA-SUCCESSFUL WINNER DATING ™

Principle #7
Don’t Show the Movie Before the Trailer!

Anticipation, Seduction and the Fine Art of Waiting to Have Sex

Here’s a great way to think about sex and dating. Think of yourself as a summer blockbuster movie, or more specifically that having sex with you is a summer blockbuster movie. Now, with such a highly anticipated event you don’t just open it without any fanfare, right? What about a teaser? How about the trailer? Think about it. Don’t Show the Movie Before the Trailer is a philosophy and a strategy all rolled into one. Close your eyes. Now imagine it’s Christmastime and you’re in the movie theatre to see some holiday triumph-of-the-human-spirit flick. You’re settled into your seat with your popcorn, Junior Mints and Diet Pepsi … then the lights go dark, the curtains open, then BOOM! A giant glowing version of the Iron Man logo slams against the screen. It vanishes as quickly as it arrived and then you see the numbers: 7-4-14. The whole thing lasts less than ten seconds but it’s thrilling. It’s the teaser, and it’s a wildly effective way of letting people know that something great is coming. Anticipation is the greatest aphrodisiac in the world, so if you like him and want him to stick around then don’t show him the whole movie right away. Let him check out the teaser early on, like a long hot kiss and the mention of things to come. The teaser gives him the complete understanding that yes, you’d like to show him the feature but it’s still a ways away from the opening. (Again, pun intended.)

Then comes the trailer—two- to three-minute preview of the most exciting, emotional and sexy parts of the movie cut together to tell you enough of the story as they can without revealing the ending in the hope that you won’t be able to contain yourself until it opens. Making out in your underwear is a great trailer. The point of the teaser and the trailer is to make the actual movie (the first time you have sex) matter. No one is suggesting that you remain chaste until your wedding night, but what we are saying is there is real value to building up to the actual event instead of just doing it. When you have sex quickly you’re overlooking the glory of foreplay and anticipation, which are some of the premiere parts of the sexual experience. You only get this part, the newness, the beginning of the relationship ONCE—you can’t get it again. Why would you want to rush through it when you could draw it out and really savor it for all its deliciousness. There is only ONE first kiss, ONE first touch, ONE first time you have sex together; why not make each one memorable? Anticipation = memorable. Seriously. If you didn’t have to think of it before it happened, you most likely won’t remember it that much after it happened. We don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but going the speed of light only serves the space program.

Sex is where people get the most screwed (pun intended) in dating. If you have sex too soon with someone you really like, you have a pretty good shot of f***ing up the relationship. The problem is when people want to get into a serious relationship, they have sex too casually, hoping it will expedite the process and create intimacy, when in fact it often has the opposite effect. Sex is an intimate act, and you cannot underestimate the power it has on two people when they hardly know one another. Sex changes things, even if you don’t want it to or continue to pretend that it doesn’t. People feel differently about each other after they’ve done it. Sometimes they feel closer, sometimes they feel weirder, sometimes they feel confused and sometimes they feel the beginning of the end. That’s why we suggest that you can’t lose by waiting to have sex until you get to know someone better, but you can totally blow it by having sex too fast. We’ve spoken to every guy we know and they all agree that having sex changes how they feel about a woman. (Wow, what a revelation!) But here’s the interesting thing: many of the guys we talked to said that a lot of times, when they have sex with a girl they don’t know very well, that as soon as it’s done, they’re over her, and they don’t know why it is, because she’s still all the things she was before they did it. People don’t always know why there’s an internal shift, and it’s not always intentional, but sex triggers the “get me out of here” button in many men (and women, for that matter), but it happens less to those that go slower.

We are not now, nor have we ever been, against casual sex. In fact, we think that’s all you should have from college until your mid-forties. Okay, that’s not true. We think if you are comfortable with having casual sex then rock the sheets, and if used properly casual sex can be a great learning tool as you evolve into a person who eventually wants to get into serious relationships (and has some good moves in the sack). We are talking about two different things here, so let’s be clear. There’s the “I really like this guy and I want to have sex with him.” And the “I’m just looking for someone to have a naked party with.” If you’re falling into the earlier category, you have to decide when is the right time for you to have sex. Is it before you know each other? (PROBABLY NOT/RESOUNDING NO!) Is it after you know each other a little better? (MAYBE, BUT ACTUALLY NO.) OR is it after you’re both emotionally invested enough that it won’t freak one of you out or make it a relationship based on sex? (HELLS YEAH!) We like the idea of setting up a mental checklist of things that you only know about a person after you’ve spent some quality time with them. Once you know the details of the things on your list and many other juicy nuggets of information, not only will you have a better knowledge or your future sex mate but probably a deeper fondness. And that will make the sex even more rocking!

Example: How they take their coffee.
Which commercials make them angry and which ones make them nostalgic.
What they call their grandma and what Grandma calls them.
A detailed account of their high school formal dance.
Their most embarrassing moment.
What they really like to do on Sundays when they’re not trying to impress you.
What they can tell you about you. (Do they know what you do for a living? Can they spell your last name?)
What they are like after ten dates. (Gotcha on that one.)

Look, guys can find a girl to just have casual sex with, but you get to decide if you’re that girl. If you really like someone and want to have a shot at having a great relationship with them … DON’T BE THAT GIRL.

But Greg and Amiira, I Have Questions!

But What If I Waited and He Still Bailed?

Dear Greg and Amiira,​

Okay, I saw you both on The Today Show and you said something about waiting to have sex with a guy if you really like him. Well I took your idea to heart. At the time I was falling pretty hard for this musician named Pete who was ridiculously hot. I’m no dummy and I wasn’t going to sleep with him right away just because he was in a band, but then I heard you guys and decided to really make him work for it. We waited almost two months! He was on and off the road, to be fair, so it’s not like it was completely because of my will. Well, finally we did it and it was awesome. I was so glad we waited I hadn’t ever done that. But guess what? Three days after the big night he broke it off? What gives? I WAITED and he still bailed right after we had sex.

Nova

New York City

P.S. His band totally sucked.

Dear Band Aid,

Obviously there are no guarantees in life and people, especially musicians, can be weird; it’s just a fact. (Look it up on Wikipedia if you won’t take my word for it.) That said, aren’t you glad you gave it your best shot? Would it have been better if you had slept with him on the third date and then never heard from him, always wondering what you could have done better? You respected yourself and the situation, and for that you should feel great. You tried to get to know someone before getting intimate with him—that’s just smart living. We know that doesn’t take the pain away, but some guys are only going to be in it for the sex—it just happens. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t a great person. In the long run you have succeeded in becoming a person who runs their life differently, and we suspect you will attract an even better man next time, or at least one from a better band.

But What If We Won’t See Each Other Again for Two Months?

Dear ​Greg and Amiira,

I met this terrific gentleman online. The problem is, and always seems to be, that we live in different towns. He lives in Libertyville, Illinois and I live in San Carlos, California. We were online for a month and then we switched to the phone, texting, and instant messaging. We communicate all day every day. We’ve seen multiple pictures of one another (all clothed Ha Ha!) and we seem to be really attracted to each other. Here’s my question. Obviously our texts and e-mails have gotten flirty and a little sexual. Now he’s coming to visit me for the weekend. He’s getting a hotel, but I feel like we are going to both want to have sex even though this is the first time we’ve been in person together. Is that the wrong move? I don’t want to lose this guy, but is this too early? What if we can’t see each other for another couple of months?

Bethany

San Carlos, CA

Dear Cyberdater,

No, we don’t think you should have sex with him, and here’s why … It’s your FIRST REAL DATE. Chances are the moment he steps off the plane it’s going to become really real for both of you and possibly a bit awkward because that’s when he becomes a person. In fact, we bet you don’t start feeling comfortable with one another until half way through the trip, and only then will you know if this is a person worth being with at all. Sex changes things. It just does, and right now you are on a winning streak. So keep it in check until the next time. If there is real heat between you, we bet you don’t wait two months to see each other.

But What If Sex Is the Only Way to Keep Him?

Dear Greg and Amiira,

I really liked this guy Liam, and we dated for about a month before it became clear that we were at a standoff. I really didn’t want to sleep with him until he had stopped sleeping with other women, and he wasn’t ready to commit to being only with me. So things got tense between us, and it seemed like it was all going to be ruined if I didn’t give in. So I slept with him, figuring that he would be so happy that I had given in and like me even more, then stop seeing the other women. Well that didn’t happen, and now I’m just one of three women he’s seeing, and I don’t even know if I’m at the top of the three or the bottom. What do I do now that he’s having his cake and eating it too?

Birdie

London, England

Dear London Bridges,

How come your London Bridges are always falling down? We don’t need to tell you that you shouldn’t have caved in for this guy; you already learned that painful lesson. What we will tell you is that in the future if you want to be in a monogamous relationship then don’t have sex until you have defined the relationship as such—NO EXCEPTIONS. As for the having and eating his cake, the only thing you can do is take it away from him and save it for someone who will truly appreciate you and not make you wonder if you’re bringing home the gold, silver or bronze medal in the lady Olympics.

How Do You Turn Casual Sex into Actual Dating?

Dear Amiira and Greg,​

My lab partner and I started hooking up during our lab sessions and now I’m screwed. We see each other all the time between class, lab sessions and extra curricular hooking, up but every time I try to get him to ask me out on a proper date he shuts me down. He says dating is too much pressure and that he’s not really into “Old School” dating. We go to a very prestigious school, so you’d think he’d be able to handle pressure a little better. What the f***?! How do I convert this thing from being a casual sex thing into more of a dating exclusively thing?

Maggie

Vancouver, Canada

Dear Lab-orious,

Wake up, Maggie; we think we’ve got something to say to you. You set the tone for this thing from the beginning and attracted the kind of guy who, according to you, can’t handle the “pressure” of dating you. Let’s see how he handles the pressure of not getting to have sex with you as you back off this ridiculous relationship you set up for yourself. If dating is what you want then dating is what you do and NOTHING ELSE. Tell Grabby the lab partner that you’ve tested the theory and run the data but his lack of effort less than equals the glory of getting down with you. If the thought of getting to continue having sex with you at some point isn’t motivation enough for him to ask you out then you have your answer (He’s Just Not That Into You), and if you need backup we’ll send you the book.

From the Other Side of the Fence

What Does Waiting to Have Sex Really Mean?

Dear Greg and Amiira,

Okay, so I’m a bloke and I’ve read your books, so clearly I’m messed up. I’ve been seeing this bird for two months now. We have the best time hanging out, skateboarding and going to shows. But she will not have sex with me. I feel like she likes me because we snog (she’s a good kisser) and whatever (meaning things that could be considered foreplay), but she says she wants to wait to have sex. She’s not a Christian or anything; in fact, I know she’s slept with some other guys that she dated before sooner. Maybe I misunderstood your book, but is she not into me?

Blake

Bristol, England

Dear Sensitive Skatepunk,

We think you did misunderstand what we said in He’s Just Not That Into You. In that book we said if someone isn’t interested in being sexual with you then you might want to consider that they are not that into you. She is in fact being sexual with you; maybe she hasn’t slept with you because she really likes you and sleeping with guys too quickly in the past hasn’t worked for her. If it’s not working for you then break it off, but if you’re still getting hot kisses and whatnot, what’s the hurry? You still ride a skateboard and go to concerts, so you’re young at heart at the minimum. Enjoy the anticipation of what might be to come; it’ll be a far better ride than the wipeout you’ll have if you pressure her into having sex out of obligation rather than pure desire.

The Chick Who Blew It

It’s hard to say “No” to a girl who wants to have sex with you on the first date. It’s always pretty fun, but afterwards it’s so weird. What does she think it means? Does she think that we’re going out now? Should I sleep over or go? Will she be mad if I go? The sex on the first date is tough because obviously I liked her enough to ask her out but, and I know it’s a terrible thing to say, once you have sex the game of cat and mouse is over. You’ve already gotten the cheese. So I had been really jocking this girl Chloe to go out with me, and she was playing hard to get/couldn’t care less for the longest time. Then I finally broke her down and she agreed to having lunch with me during the week. Is lunch on a Wednesday even a date? So I went to her house to pick her up and she wasn’t dressed yet. She walked from her bedroom to her bathroom in her bra and underwear right in front of me and I was thinking, “Oh, man please put on some clothes because I really like you and we need to go out to lunch or I’m screwed.” Well she didn’t get dressed; in fact, she just threw on an open robe and came and sat on the couch and suggested we watch TV. TV turned into making out, which turned into having sex. I kept thinking, I can be different, this time will be different but the truth is that I tend to lose interest with women that sleep with me on the first date. It’s such a terrible thing to say, but I couldn’t go out with someone who gives it up so easily, because if they’re giving it up for me, how many others have gotten in on the action too? I can’t believe I’m admitting that to you. I sound like a shit. Sex is different than love, and even though we love having sex we’d trade good, easy sex in for a great love any day of the week.

Scott

Scottsdale, AZ

Maybe You Guys Are Right

Every relationship I’ve ever had started sexually before emotionally. I’m twenty-eight now and have never had a relationship that lasted longer than three months because somehow the sexual relationship didn’t translate into an emotional one on both sides. More accurately, the guys never got as invested as I did and things just kind of fizzled out. Then when I met Josh, I decided to take your advice and wait to have sex with him. I thought that waiting four dates would seem like an eternity, but when we got to date four I realized that I really liked how things were going and I wasn’t ready to change the dynamic of it yet by having sex, so I decided to wait until the sixth date. Then date six rolls around and he mentions something like, “… when you meet my parents you’ll see what I mean.” We had yet to have sex and he could see me meeting his parents in the future! Unheard of. So date six blows by and on date eight, when things are already going better than with any other guy I’ve ever dated, he says that he’d like it if I were his girlfriend. You have no idea what that felt like for me. If I could have stopped time I would have so I could leap right out of my seat and do a happy dance. So eight was the magic number, and that night we had sex and it was the greatest first sex I’ve ever had in my life. If I had known how much better sex is when you have significant feelings (other than lust) for someone, I would have waited way before now. I guess I thought that sex was the way to get a guy, but what I learned is that it’s not the way to keep one. Guys stay when they like more than just having sex with you.

Vivianne

New Haven, CT

First Person Single, by Amiira

Not that I should be applauded for my sex life, but aside from one exception, I’ve always been one to keep my pants on. Not that I’m a prude or don’t enjoy sex, but strong is my desire to keep the membership to my super secret private club lower than the number of digits in my phone number (including area code … and international calling code. Wait, how many is that?) Keeping my number low was a source of self-respect and not surprisingly a crazy turn on for the Don Juans applying for a membership. When I started dating someone new, it wasn’t until we really knew each other and were dating exclusively that I showed them the secret handshake and laminated their membership card. Then one time I threw out the winning recipe and slept with a guy that I really liked on the second date. I thought what the hell, why not? We’re on the right track, he likes me, I like him, what difference can it make? So we had sex, then went out for breakfast the next morning, me thinking, “Wow, this is nice. I guess waiting isn’t all that necessary.” Clearly, I was thinking that he and I were on the same page, that I was a good judge of character, and that we were probably pretty much going out after having slept together. He, on the other hand, wasn’t even in the same book much less on the same page as me, as he saw fit to take home an “exotic dancer” the next night that needed a ride, and didn’t resurface for three days. Not only did it hurt my feelings that he slept with someone else, but I was totally embarrassed for being so wrong about what I thought it had been and what we were moving towards. It only took once for me to learn the lesson that sex upfront doesn’t always pay in the end; not only that but the sex wasn’t good enough to outweigh how shitty it made me feel. Now, you may not think that all guys will be okay with waiting, but let me tell you a story. I used to work in the music business so I worked with fledgling bands and rock stars, all of whom are used to having ladies give up the goods shortly after the initial “Hey, great show.” A good majority of those same (aspiring and established) rock gods delighted at the idea of nailing one of the chicks from the record company, so even when I was married to my first husband I was propositioned quite often. While it was flattering and a little lame at the same time, I learned to deflect their advances and keep my job. A flirty little “I don’t think I can expense condoms and a hotel room but thanks for thinking of me” always did the trick and interestingly enough, every time my rejected rockers came into town it was my office that they would park their asses in to try to make headway into my super secret private club. During these headway sessions, what happened is that we got to know each other, and so I was the one they would call from the road for advice about how to get rid of some other record company girl they had gotten busy with, then pledge their love to me and tell me how it would be different if I finally gave in (which I didn’t, by the way). The thing that became clear to me was that even the most happening guy wants to be told “NO” and not only that, is titillated to try to work harder for it. Seems to me that having sex early can be a rocking good time but isn’t always the shortcut to a good relationship. More often than not it’s the road away from one.

Thoughts from Man City

You ladies run the show. I know many of you don’t think you do, but YOU DO! With the exception of some extreme assholes, we guys will pretty much do only what you let us. Example: If you let us come over at 4:00 a.m. for a “snack” then we’re coming over, BUT if you say we have to wait a few weeks until we know each other better then WE WILL WAIT. If we can’t wait … well then we only ever wanted to just have sex with you in the first place. Sorry, ladies, but it’s the truth. I know you think you have to have sex with us or we’re going to leave, but if sex is all we want WE’RE GOING TO LEAVE ANYWAY. That’s how I see it. I’m just me. Whenever I had sex with a woman too early on, here’s what would happen: My head would be so clouded with the idea of having sex that I often wasn’t sure whether I liked them or just wanted to “do it” because sex is on guys’ minds much of the time. Then as soon as I would orgasm I’d realize “Oh, I only wanted sex” OR “Wow, I don’t even know this person!” It would be awkward and often I’d bail. Now I take full responsibility for my actions. It wasn’t the girl’s fault we had sex too early or that I wasn’t emotionally able to handle it, but I think this is a common problem for many men. We are not sure which end of it we’re on in the early stages—if it’s sex or a relationship that we want. Since I believe that women are the gatekeepers to sex, I’d have to tell you that if you want to be sure a guy’s there for more than sex—KEEP THE GATES LOCKED FOR A BIT. You might be interested to know that many of us want you to make us work for it. That there is great pleasure in not getting what you want right off the bat. It makes you work harder to get it. And along the way we get to know you better, know your taste in music, wine, clothes, how many cats you have, your brother’s name, and why we like you in the first place besides your smile and sweet-smelling skin. So if you like us and are interested in more than just sex, make it a challenge. Any guy who calls you a tease is a CHUMP. It’s not a tease; it is, as we discussed earlier in this chapter, a preview to a movie that we are so glad we got cast in.

Dating Fortune Cookie

Sex is the way to reach an orgasm, not a commitment.

Worst Date Ever

I liked this guy forever and thought he would never ask me out because I saw him all the time, but he never even looked in my general direction. Then one night he walked over to me and my friends at the bar we all hang out at and told me with a smile that it really hurt his feelings that I hadn’t asked him out yet. I laughed at his little pick up line, and we spent the rest of the night talking, drinking and flirting. Then he asked if he could come home with me, and I know I shouldn’t have let him but I did. So we went back to my place and had mind-blowing sex. We were up all night talking, having sex and then snacking naked at the fridge. It was one of my best nights ever. I had liked this guy from afar for so long and he was as great as I hoped he would be. So before going our separate ways in the morning we decided to meet back at the bar around eight o’clock that night. I went to work and called every last one of my girlfriends and told them about my scandalous yet awesome night and invited them all to come meet us for drinks. So I get to the bar with my girlfriends and I’m waiting for him to show and it’s eight o’clock, then eight thirty, then nine o’clock, then nine thirty and there’s no sign of him. At ten fifteen he comes rolling in with another girl! So I go up to him and tell him that I’ve been waiting for him since eight at night, and he plays completely dumb like he has no idea what I’m talking about. So I say, “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” Now I’m totally feeling like a crazy jealous woman trying not to lose my shit. And he says, “I would if I knew your name.” Then he and his girl breezed past me like I was a nut job and sat in another room in a booth with his back turned to where I was so he wouldn’t have to see me. I’ve never been so embarrassed and humiliated in my whole life.

It’s Just F***ing Sex

Don’t get us wrong, sex is one of the more awesome aspects of being human. That’s why it should be respected as such when it comes to love. Sex doesn’t solve problems or solidify relationships. What we believe sex should be is an enhancement to what should already exist, like friendship, trust and a mutual respect for the artistry of Arcade Fire. Give sex its due, put it in its proper place and it will serve you better.

The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook

It’s time to make your checklist of things you should know about the guy (or gal) you’re thinking about having sex with. The list must be comprised of things that you couldn’t possibly know about him without having invested many dates’ and hours’ worth of conversation to uncover. While you’re at it, why don’t you make a list of things he should know about you before he gets to know what you look like in the buff. We’ll start you off with a few, then you’re on!

What I Want to Know About Him

1. What’s one thing he’s always wanted to try (that’s not related to sex)?

2. Where did his parents meet?

3. Favorite band, favorite record, favorite song, favorite movie

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

What I Want Him to Know About Me

1. What my favorite thing is on the menu at three different restaurants

2. Who your best friend is and what she looks like (that means he’s got to meet your friends)

3. Favorite smell

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.