4.
Doing The Work on Couples and Family Life
My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with now. Our spouses, parents, and children are the clearest masters we could hope for. Again and again, they will show us the truth we don’t want to see, until we see it.
After I returned home from the halfway house in 1986 with a radically different understanding of the world and of myself, I found that nothing my husband or my children did could upset me. Inquiry was alive inside me, and every thought I had was met by a wordless questioning. When Paul did something that would have angered me before, and the thought “He should” appeared in my mind, all I felt was gratitude and laughter. The man might have been walking on the carpets with mud all over his shoes, or dropping his clothes everywhere, or shouting at me, waving his arms, his face red, and if “He should” appeared in my mind, I just laughed at myself, because I knew what it led to; I knew it led to “I should.” “He should stop screaming”? I should stop screaming, mentally, about him, before I remind him to take off his muddy shoes.
I remember sitting on the living room couch with my eyes closed, and Paul came into the room and saw me, and he stormed up to me, shouting, “Jesus Christ, Kate, what the hell is the matter with you?” It was a simple question. So I went inside and asked myself, “What the hell is the matter with you, Katie?” It wasn’t personal. Could I just find an answer to that question? Well, there had been one instant when I’d had the thought that Paul shouldn’t have been shouting, though the reality was that he was shouting. Ah. That’s what was the matter with me. So I said, “Sweetheart, the matter with me is that I had the thought that you shouldn’t be shouting, and it didn’t feel right. Thank you for asking. Now it feels right again.”
During those first few months, my children would seek me out and tell me what they really thought of the woman they’d known as their mother—things they would have been punished for saying before. For example, Bobby, my older son, trusted me enough to say, “You always favored Ross over me. You always loved him the most.” (Ross is my younger son.) And I was finally the mother who could listen. I went inside with it and got still. “Could this be true? Could he be right?” And since I had invited my children to speak honestly, because I really wanted to know the truth, I found it. So I said, “Honey, I see it. You’re right. I was very confused.” I felt such love for him as my teacher who had lived through all that pain, and such love for the woman who thought she preferred one child over another.
People often ask me if I had a religion before 1986, and I say yes—it was “My children should pick up their socks.” This was my religion, and I was totally devoted to it, even though it never worked. Then one day, after The Work was alive in me, I realized that it simply wasn’t true. The reality was that day after day, they left their socks on the floor, after all my years of preaching and nagging and punishing them. I saw that I was the one who should pick up the socks if I wanted them picked up. My children were perfectly happy with their socks on the floor. Who had the problem? It was me. It was my thoughts about the socks on the floor that had made my life difficult, not the socks themselves. And who had the solution? Again, me. I realized that I could be right, or I could be free. It took just a few moments for me to pick up the socks, without any thought of my children. And an amazing thing began to happen. I realized that I loved picking up their socks. It was for me, not for them. It stopped being a chore in that moment, and it became a pleasure to pick them up and see the uncluttered floor. Eventually, they noticed my pleasure and began to pick up their socks on their own, without my having to suggest it.
Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will press every button we have, again and again, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.
I Want My Son to Talk to Me
In this dialogue, a mother comes to understand her son’s apparent neglect. When she realizes that her sadness, resentment, and guilt have nothing to do with him and have everything to do with her own thinking, she opens the possibility of change, for herself and also for her son. We don’t have to wait for our children to change before we can be happy. We may even come to discover that the very situation we dislike is what we’ve been looking for—the entrance into ourselves.
Elisabeth [reading from her Worksheet]: I am angry at Christopher because he stopped contacting me and doesn’t invite me to meet his family. I’m saddened because he doesn’t talk to me.
Katie: Good. Continue.
Elisabeth: I want Christopher to talk to me from time to time, to invite me to meet him, his wife, and his kids. He should stand up to his wife and tell her that he doesn’t want to exclude his mother. And he should stop blaming me. I need Christopher to accept me, to accept my way of life. And I need him to understand that I did my best. Christopher is a coward, resentful, arrogant, and rigid. I don’t ever want to feel him rejecting me, or not contacting me anymore.
Katie: Okay. So we’ll take some of these thoughts to inquiry now. At this point, we’re going to look at our thinking, ask four questions, and turn it around. And see if we can find some understanding. So let’s begin. Read the first statement again.
Elisabeth: I’m angry at Christopher because he stopped contacting me and doesn’t invite me to meet his family.
Katie: Is that true? Is that really true? [There is a long pause.] Just answer yes or no, sweetheart. There’s no trickery in these questions. It’s not better if you answer one way or another. This is simply to go inside for yourself and see what’s really true. And maybe to go inside again under that. And under that. “He doesn’t contact you or invite you to meet his family”—is that true?
Elisabeth: Well, sometimes.
Katie: Good. “Sometimes” is more honest, because you’ve just revealed that he does invite you. “He doesn’t invite you to meet his family”—is that true? The answer simply is no.
Elisabeth: I see that.
Katie: And how do you react when you think the thought?
Elisabeth: It makes me totally tense. My mind is agitated every time the phone rings.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the thought “He doesn’t invite me to meet his family”? And I’m not asking you to drop it. Just simply, can you see a reason to drop this lie that argues with reality?
Elisabeth: Yes.
Katie: Give me a peaceful reason to keep this story, a reason that doesn’t cause you stress.
Elisabeth [after a long pause]: I can’t find one.
Katie: Let’s work with the thought “I want my son to call me.” I can tell you my experience—that I don’t ever want my sons to call me. I want them to live the way they want to live. I want them to call whoever they want to call, and I love that it’s often me. It wasn’t always that way. Who would you be without the thought “I want my son to call me. I want him to invite me into his family whether he wants to or not”?
Elisabeth: I would be a person who could breathe and enjoy life.
Katie: And you’d be intimate with him, with no separation, whether he visits you or not. Intimate with him in here, in the heart. Let’s turn this first statement around.
Elisabeth: I’m angry and saddened at me because I stopped contacting me.
Katie: Yes. You’ve been mentally living in your son’s business. So you’ve traded yourself for the dream of how your son should live. I love my sons, and I’m sure they can run their lives at least as well as I could run their lives. They need to see me? I trust that they’re the best judges of that. If I want to see them, I let them know, and they say yes or no honestly. That’s it. If they say yes, I love it. If they say no, I love it. There’s nothing I can lose. That’s not possible. Can you find another turnaround?
Elisabeth: I’m saddened because I don’t talk to me.
Katie: You don’t talk to you. You’re mentally over there running his business. And then you’re feeling all the loneliness of that. The loneliness of not being here for yourself. Okay, now read your next statement.
Elisabeth: I want Christopher to talk to me from time to time, to invite me to meet him, his wife, and his kids.
Katie: “You want him to invite you to meet his wife and children”—is that really true? Why do you want to be with them? What do you want them to do or say?
Elisabeth: What I actually want is for them to accept me.
Katie: Turn it around.
Elisabeth: What I actually want is for me to accept myself.
Katie: Why burden them with something you can give to yourself?
Elisabeth: And what I actually want is for me to accept them, the way they live.
Katie: Yes. With or without you. [Elisabeth laughs.] And I know you can do it because you thought they could do it so easily. This tells me you know the way. “If they invite you, they will accept you”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Elisabeth: No.
Katie: So how do you react when you believe the thought?
Elisabeth: It’s horrible. It gives me a headache and tension in the shoulders.
Katie: So, you want them to invite you and accept you, and then you’ll have . . . what?
Elisabeth: For a few minutes, I guess I’ll have something. Then when I leave, it’s the same story.
Katie: You go there, and what do you get?
Elisabeth: A kind of satisfaction.
Katie: Yes. You tell the story of how they invited you, and this story makes you happy. Or you tell the story of how they don’t invite you, and the story makes you sad. Nothing is happening but your story. And yet you believe that it’s their action or nonaction that causes your emotions. You’re deluding yourself with your own uninvestigated thoughts, in their name, bouncing off walls—happy, sad, happy, sad. “It’s their fault I’m happy, it’s their fault I’m sad.” This is confusion. Let’s look at the next one.
Elisabeth: He should stand up to his wife . . .
Katie: Is that true? Does he?
Elisabeth: No.
Katie: How do you react when you think that thought?
Elisabeth: It’s horrible. It makes me suffer.
Katie: Yes, because it’s not true for you. “Christopher, make war in your home, and win, so that I can come in.” That’s not what we want from our children. And then it moves into “He’s a coward.” We haven’t stopped to investigate. Maybe what you perceive as his not standing up to his wife is really courage. Maybe it’s love. Can you see a reason to drop the thought “He should stand up to his wife”?
Elisabeth: Yes.
Katie: Yes. Internal war is a reason. Internal war makes external war. Who would you be without this thought?
Elisabeth: Less angry.
Katie: Yes. You might even see that you have a courageous, loving son, who does what he knows to do, with a peaceful family, even though he has a mother who thinks he should stand up to his wife. How do you treat him when you think that thought? Do you give him “the look”? Just to let him know that you think he’s a coward, or doing it wrong? Let’s look at the next one.
Elisabeth [laughing]: Am I going to survive this up here?
Katie [laughing]: Well, hopefully not. [Loud laughter from the audience]
Elisabeth: Hopefully not.
Katie: This Work is the end of the world as we understand it to be, sweetheart. And it’s the opening to reality, as it really is, in all its beauty. What is already true is much better without any plan of mine. I’m so glad of that. My life is so simple, now that I no longer rule the world in my mind. And my children and friends are very grateful. Let’s look at the next statement.
Elisabeth: He should stop blaming me.
Katie: “He should stop blaming you”—is that true? Now you want to control his thinking—even who he should blame.
Elisabeth [laughing]: Oh, God!
Katie: You want to take over your son’s whole mind. You know what’s best for him. You even know what he should be thinking. “Excuse me, Christopher. Don’t think unless I’ve told you what to think; don’t think until I want you to.” [Laughter] “And then let’s work on your wife. And by the way, I love you.” [More laughter]
Elisabeth: Ooooh. I knew it!
Katie: So, read it again.
Elisabeth: He should stop blaming me.
Katie: “He blames you”—is that really true?
Elisabeth: No.
Katie: How do you react when you believe that thought?
Elisabeth: Ooof. It kills me.
Katie: And what’s the worst thing he could say to blame you? [To audience] What could your children say about you that you don’t want to hear?
Elisabeth: “You weren’t a good mother. You aren’t a good mother.”
Katie: Can you find it? Can you find a place where you feel you didn’t do what a good mother should do?
Elisabeth: Yes.
Katie: If one of my sons said to me, “You’re not a good mother,” I could honestly say, “You know, sweetheart, I can find that. I travel all over the world, I’m hardly ever physically there for you and my grandchildren. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. What do you suggest?” My sons and I have everything in common. They tell me what I may not have realized for myself. I look inside myself to see if they’re right, and so far they always have been. It’s simply a matter of my going deep enough into the truth to find it. I can go outside and attack them and their ideas about me in the attempt to change their minds and keep my lack of awareness, or I can go inside and search for a new truth that will set me free. This is why I say that all war belongs on paper. Inquiry takes me to the answers inside. And when my children tell me, “You’re a wonderful mother,” I can go in and find that, too. I don’t have to go out to them and say, “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you” and live my life proving it. I can just go in and find “I’m a wonderful mother.” And then I don’t have to diffuse it by doing all that thank-you stuff. I can sit with both my sons, wordlessly, with tears of joy just streaming down our cheeks. Love is so big that you can die in it—die of self and be fully consumed in it. It’s what you are, and it will have all of you back to itself again. So simple. My sons are always right. My daughter is always right. My friends are always right. And I get to realize it or suffer. All of it. I am everything they say I am. And anything I feel I need to defend keeps me from full realization. So, sweetheart, let’s turn that around.
Elisabeth: I should stop blaming him.
Katie: Yes. Work on that. It’s not his job to work on it. He’s providing for his family. This “stop blaming” thing is your philosophy; it’s for you to live. This will keep you very busy, and out of his business. And that’s where life begins. It begins from where you are now, not from where he is. Let’s look at the next statement.
Elisabeth: I need Christopher to accept me, to accept my way of life.
Katie: “Stop your life, Christopher, and accept my way of life.” Is this what you really need? Is this true?
Elisabeth: No. It really isn’t true.
Katie: Turn it around. “I need me . . .”
Elisabeth: I need me to accept him and his way of life. That feels much better.
Katie: Yes. His way of life. He has a wonderful family, he doesn’t invite you with all your concepts into his life to make war with his wife, to have to appreciate you and . . .
Elisabeth: Oooh . . . Oooh.
Katie: He sounds like a very wise man.
Elisabeth: He is.
Katie: You might call and thank him. “Thank you for not inviting me. I haven’t been someone you would really want to have around. And I understand now.”
Elisabeth [laughing]: Yes, I can see that.
Katie: And you might also let him know that you love him and that you’re working on unconditional love. So, sweetheart, there’s another turnaround.
Elisabeth: I need to accept myself, and I need to accept my way of life.
Katie: Yes. Give him a break and know that it’s for you to accept your way of life. I know it’s a very simple matter for you to accept it, because you expected him to do it just like that! [Snaps her fingers] Let’s look at the next one.
Elisabeth: I need him to understand that I did my best.
Katie: Is that true?
Elisabeth: No.
Katie: How do you react when you believe this fairy tale?
Elisabeth: I’m hurt and angry. I feel like I’m in hell.
Katie: Who would you be without this story of victimhood? It’s the story of a dictator not having her own way. Here’s the dictator: “You should tell me that I did the best that I could do.” It’s crazy. What would you be without this sad, sad story?
Elisabeth: I would be a free, joyful being.
Katie: Now that’s very exciting. You would already be what you wanted him to see you as: a mother who did her best at the time and is loving her son now. He could never know who you really are anyway; it’s not possible. I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now. Once we start doing that, we become so lovable that our children are attracted to us. They have to be. The storyteller’s mind, the projector of the story, has changed, so what you project as a world has to change. When I am clear, my children have to love me; they have no choice. Love is all that I’m able to project or see. The whole world is simply my story, projected back to me on the screen of my own perception. All of it. Let’s look at the next one, sweetheart.
Elisabeth: Christopher is a coward.
Katie: Is that true? My goodness, look who he’s been up against. A tiger. A mother tigress. [Elisabeth bursts out laughing.]
Elisabeth: Oh, a tigress, ooh. Yes, that’s true. Well, he did a good job. From the very beginning.
Katie: You may want to share that with him. “He’s a coward”—turn it around.
Elisabeth: I am a coward.
Katie: Yes. You use him for your happiness. But he’s not going for it. He’s a brilliant teacher. We all live with the perfect teacher. No mistake. Let’s look at the next ones and turn them around.
Elisabeth: He’s resentful. I am resentful. He’s arrogant. I am arrogant. He’s rigid. I am rigid.
Katie: Yes. We’ve been confused for a while, that’s all. Just a little confusion here and there, nothing serious.
Elisabeth [crying]: I’ve been wanting this for so long, to stop the confusion.
Katie: I know, angel. We have all wanted this for so long. It’s time now. Let’s move to your last statement.
Elisabeth: I don’t ever want to feel him rejecting me.
Katie: Turn it around. “I’m willing to feel . . .”
Elisabeth: I’m willing to feel him rejecting me.
Katie: Each time he rejects you, if you still feel pain, you can realize that your Work’s not done. And he is the master. He will continue to reject you until you understand. You are responsible for not rejecting him or yourself. Take it to inquiry and give yourself your freedom. “I look forward to . . .”
Elisabeth: I look forward to feeling him reject me.
Katie: It’s good that it hurts. Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie. Judge your son, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around, and realize whatever pain is left.
Elisabeth: Okay.
Katie: You are the solution to your problem—your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this Work we come to realize that.
My Husband’s Affair
Marisa was obviously upset when she came up on stage to sit with me; her lips were quivering, and she looked as if she was on the brink of tears. Watch how powerful inquiry can be if someone sincerely wants to know the truth, even though she is in great pain and thinks she has been terribly wronged.
Marisa [reading from her Worksheet]: I’m angry at David—that’s my husband—because he keeps saying he needs time to sort things out. I want David to express what he is feeling when he’s feeling it, because I’m tired of asking. And I’m too impatient to wait.
Katie: So, “Husbands should express what they’re feeling”—is that true?
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: And what’s the reality on this planet?
Marisa: Well, basically they don’t.
Katie: So how do I know that husbands shouldn’t express their feelings? They don’t. [The audience and Marisa laugh.] Sometimes. That’s reality. “Husbands should express their feelings” is just a thought that we believe without a single piece of evidence. How do you react when you believe this lie? Can you hear where I’m coming from when I call it a lie? It’s not true that he should express his feelings, because the truth is that he doesn’t, in your experience. This doesn’t mean that he’s not going to fully express his feelings in ten minutes or in ten days. But the reality is that right now, it’s not true. So how do you react when you think this thought?
Marisa: I’m angry and hurt.
Katie: Yes. And how do you treat him when you believe the thought that he should express his feelings, and he doesn’t?
Marisa: I feel like I’m prying, I’m demanding something.
Katie: I would drop the “I feel like.” You pry and demand.
Marisa: But I . . . Oh! . . . Yes. That’s exactly what I do.
Katie: And how does it feel when you pry and demand?
Marisa: It doesn’t feel good at all.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the thought? And please don’t try to drop it. My experience is that you can’t drop a thought, because you didn’t make it in the first place. So the question is simply “Can you see a reason to drop the thought?” Often, very good reasons can be found in your answer to question 3, “How do you react when you think that thought?” Each stressful reaction—anger, for example, or sadness, or distancing—is a good reason to drop the thought.
Marisa: Yes, I can see a reason.
Katie: Give me a stress-free reason to believe the thought that husbands should express their feelings.
Marisa: A stress-free reason?
Katie: Give me a stress-free reason to believe this.
Marisa: I really don’t know how to . . .
Katie: Give me a reason that doesn’t cause you pain or stress to believe the thought “My husband should express his feelings to me.” How many years have you been married?
Marisa: Seventeen.
Katie: And for seventeen years, according to you, he hasn’t expressed his feelings. Give me a stress-free reason to believe the thought. [There is a long pause.] It could take you a while to find one.
Marisa: Yes. I can’t find a stress-free reason.
Katie: And who would you be, living with this man, if you didn’t believe this lie?
Marisa: I would be a happier person.
Katie: Yes. So what I’m hearing is that your husband is not the problem.
Marisa: Yes. Because I’m the one who pries and demands.
Katie: You’re the one who believes this lie that hurts so much. I hear from you that if you didn’t believe it, you’d be happy. And when you do believe it, you pry and demand. So how can your husband be the problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it. And I love that it can change, too. But I’m a lover of reality just the way it is now. So read that statement again, about what you want him to do.
Marisa: I want David to express what he is feeling when he’s feeling it.
Katie: Turn it around. “I want me . . .”
Marisa: I want me to express my feelings. But that’s what I do all the time!
Katie: Yes, exactly. That’s for you to live. It’s your way, not his.
Marisa: Ah. I see.
Katie: You’re the one who should express her feelings, because you do. He shouldn’t express his, because he doesn’t. You go through the house prying and demanding, fooling yourself with this lie that your way is better. How does it feel to pry?
Marisa: It doesn’t feel good at all.
Katie: And you’re feeling bad in his name. You’re blaming it on him.
Marisa: Exactly. I see what you’re saying.
Katie: You feel bad and believe that he’s doing it. And all the time, it’s your own misunderstanding. All right, let’s look at the next statement.
Marisa: I’m tired of asking. And I’m too impatient to wait.
Katie: “You’re too impatient to wait”—is that true?
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: And are you waiting?
Marisa: I guess I am.
Katie: I would drop the “I guess.”
Marisa: I am waiting. Yes.
Katie: “You’re too impatient to wait”—is that true?
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: And are you waiting?
Marisa: Yes. And I don’t know how to stop it.
Katie: So, “You’re too impatient to wait”—is that true? [There is a very long pause.] You are waiting! You’re waiting! I heard it from your own lips!
Marisa: Oh! I see! . . . Yeah.
Katie: Got it?
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: Yes. You’re not too impatient to wait. You’re hanging in there. Seventeen years, eighteen years . . .
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: So how do you react when you think the thought that you’re too impatient to wait? How do you treat him when you believe that lie?
Marisa: I don’t treat him well. I close off to him. I scream at him sometimes, or cry and threaten to leave him. I say some pretty nasty things.
Katie: So give me a stress-free reason to believe this lie.
Marisa: There isn’t any.
Katie: Who would you be in your home if you didn’t believe this lie?
Marisa: I guess I would enjoy the fact that I do love him and not get caught up in the rest of it.
Katie: Yes. And the next time you speak to him, you may want to say, “You know, sweetheart, I must love you a lot, because I am patient. I’ve been fooling myself. I’ve been telling you I’m too impatient to wait, and it’s not true.”
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: That’s what I love about integrity. Each time we go inside, that’s where it is. It’s a sweet place to live in. So let’s turn it around. “I’m too impatient to wait”—what is the extreme opposite of that, the 180-degree turnaround?
Marisa: I’m not too impatient to wait.
Katie: Yes. Isn’t that as true or truer?
Marisa: It’s truer. Definitely truer.
Katie: Let’s look at your next statement.
Marisa: I’m going to read it, because I wrote it. David shouldn’t think that I’ll wait forever. . . . [Laughing] Which I have been doing, of course.
Katie: So, “He shouldn’t think that”—is it true?
Marisa: Of course not.
Katie: No. He has all the proof that you will wait.
Marisa [smiling and nodding her head]: Yes.
Katie: So . . . how do you react when you think this? You know what I love, sweetheart? The thoughts that used to send us into deep depression—these same thoughts, once understood, send us into laughter. This is the power of inquiry.
Marisa: It’s amazing!
Katie: And it just leaves us with “You know, honey, I love you.” Unconditional love.
Marisa: Yeah.
Katie: And it’s nothing more than clarity. So how do you react when you believe the thought that he shouldn’t think you’ll wait forever?
Marisa: I’m fooling myself if I believe what I wrote.
Katie: Yes. And it’s very painful to live a lie. We’re like children. We’re so innocent. The whole world would tell you that you’re right to be impatient.
Marisa: I certainly believed it up until today.
Katie: But when you go inside, you can see what’s really true. It makes sense that no one else can cause you pain. That’s your job.
Marisa: Yes, it’s a lot easier to blame it on the other person.
Katie: Well, but is that true? Maybe it’s easier not to. And it’s the truth that sets us free. I came to see that there was nothing to forgive, that I was the one who caused my own problems. I found just what you’re finding. Let’s look at your fourth statement.
Marisa: I need David to stop saying that he doesn’t want to hurt me, when he keeps doing things that hurt me.
Katie: “He wants to hurt you”—can you really know that that’s true?
Marisa: No. I can’t really know that.
Katie: “He wants to hurt you”—go inside and see if it’s true.
Marisa: I don’t know how to answer this. He says he doesn’t.
Katie: I would believe him. What other information do you have?
Marisa: His actions.
Katie: “He wants to hurt you”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Marisa: No.
Katie: And how do you react when you believe this? How do you treat him?
Marisa: I don’t treat him well. I basically lay on the guilt.
Katie: Basically, you act as if you want to hurt him.
Marisa: Oh! I see . . . I see.
Katie: So of course you would project that he wants to hurt you. The truth is that you want to hurt him. You’re the projector of it all, the storyteller of it all.
Marisa: Is it that easy, really?
Katie: Yes, it is.
Marisa: Wow!
Katie: If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.
Marisa: I see. So . . . we cause our own problems?
Katie: Yes, but only all of them. It’s just been a misunderstanding. Your misunderstanding. Not theirs. Not ever, not even a little. Your happiness is your responsibility. This is very good news. How does it feel when you live with a man and believe that he wants to hurt you?
Marisa: It feels terrible.
Katie: So give me a stress-free reason to believe the thought that your husband wants to hurt you.
Marisa: I can’t think of one.
Katie: Who would you be, living with your husband, if you didn’t believe this thought?
Marisa: I’d be a very happy person. I can see that so clearly now.
Katie: “He wants to hurt me”—turn it around.
Marisa: I want to hurt myself. Yes. I understand that.
Katie: Is that as true or truer?
Marisa: Truer, I think.
Katie: That’s how we are. We don’t know another way, until we do. That’s what we’re here for this evening: We sit together, and we find another way. There’s another turnaround. “He wants to hurt me . . .”
Marisa: I want to hurt him. Yes. That’s truer, too.
Katie: And there’s still another turnaround. “He wants to hurt me”—what’s the 180-degree turnaround?
Marisa: He doesn’t want to hurt me.
Katie: He could be telling you the truth. That’s just as possible. Okay, I’d like to go back. “You want to hurt your husband”—is that really true?
Marisa: No. No, I don’t.
Katie: No, sweetheart. None of us would ever hurt another human being if we weren’t confused. That’s my experience. Confusion is the only suffering on this planet. How does it feel when you hurt him?
Marisa: It doesn’t feel good at all.
Katie: Yes. And that feeling is a gift. It lets you know that you’ve moved from your integrity. Our thoughts say, “Oh, I shouldn’t hurt him.” But we don’t know how to stop. Have you noticed?
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: It just goes on and on. So through self-realization—the way we’re experiencing it here—through these realizations, the doing changes. I was the same as you. I couldn’t change. I couldn’t stop hurting my children and myself. But as I realized what was true for me, with the questions alive inside me, the doing changed. The problems stopped. I didn’t stop them; they stopped. It’s just that simple. Now, what has he done? You said that his actions prove that he wants to hurt you. What’s an example of that? Where’s your proof?
Marisa: To put it simply, he had an affair, and he told me about it five months ago. The feelings they had for each other are still very much there, and they still talk and see each other. Those are the actions.
Katie: Okay. Now watch the two of them in your mind. Can you see them?
Marisa: I’ve seen them many times.
Katie: Now look at your husband’s face. Look at him looking at her. Now look at him for just a moment without your story. Look at his eyes, look at his face. What do you see?
Marisa: Love for her. And happiness. But also hurt, because they’re not together. He wants to be with her . . .
Katie: Is that true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Marisa: Not absolutely. No, I can’t.
Katie: Who’s he with?
Marisa: Oh! He’s with me.
Katie: “He wants to be with her”—is that true?
Marisa: Umm . . . he . . .
Katie: Who’s he with?
Marisa: Okay. Yes. I see what you’re saying.
Katie: “He wants to be with her”—is that true? Who’s stopping him? He’s free.
Marisa: And I have made that clear, too.
Katie: So how do you react when you think the thought that he wants to be with her . . .
Marisa: Oh, I hurt.
Katie: . . . and he’s living with you?
Marisa: I guess I’m not fully in the present. I’m not living the fact that he loves me and he’s with me.
Katie: He’s living with you, and in your mind you have him living with her. So no one’s living with the guy! [Marisa and the audience laugh.] Here’s this beautiful man, and no one’s living with him! [Marisa laughs even harder.] “I want him to live with me, I want him to live with me!” Well, when are you going to begin? How do you treat him when you believe that he wants to be with her and the truth is that he’s living with you?
Marisa: I don’t treat him well. I push him away.
Katie: And then you wonder why he likes to sit with her.
Marisa: Yes. Yes.
Katie: Give me a stress-free reason to believe the thought that he wants to be with her when the fact is that he’s with you.
Marisa: A stress-free reason?
Katie: You can’t make him come home. He comes home because he wants to. Who would you be if you didn’t believe this thought?
Marisa: Oh! . . . [With a big smile] I would have no problem.
Katie: “He wants to be with her”—turn it around.
Marisa: He wants to be with me.
Katie: Yes. That could be as true or truer.
Marisa: Yes. Yes.
Katie: I heard you say he looked happy.
Marisa: Yes.
Katie: Isn’t that what you want?
Marisa: Oh, I definitely want his happiness. I’ve told him so. At whatever price.
Katie: “I want his happiness”—turn it around.
Marisa: I want my happiness.
Katie: Yes.
Marisa: Very badly.
Katie: Isn’t that the truth?
Marisa: Yeah.
Katie: You want him to be happy because that makes you happy. I say, skip the middleman and be happy now. He’ll follow. He has to, because he’s your projection.
Marisa [laughing]: Yes.
Katie: His happiness is his responsibility.
Marisa: Definitely.
Katie: And yours is your responsibility.
Marisa: Yes. I understand.
Katie: No one can make you happy but you.
Marisa: I don’t know why that is so difficult.
Katie: Maybe because you think it’s his job to love you and make you happy when you don’t know how to yourself. “I can’t do it—you do it.”
Marisa: It’s easier to give it to somebody else.
Katie: Is that true? How could he prove that he loves you? What could he do?
Marisa: I have no idea.
Katie: Isn’t that interesting! Maybe he doesn’t either. [Marisa and the audience laugh.] Except maybe he can just come home and be your husband.
Marisa: Yesterday I would have told you, “He can prove it by not seeing her again.” That would have made me happy. Now I can’t say that.
Katie: You’re seeing reality a bit more clearly. Let’s look at the next statement.
Marisa: “What do I think of him?” I don’t know what to say. I love him.
Katie: Turn it around.
Marisa: I love myself. That has taken me a while.
Katie: Don’t you just love yourself when you love him?
Marisa: I never saw it like that. Yeah.
Katie: Let’s look at the next one, angel.
Marisa: I don’t ever want to feel that my happiness depends on somebody loving me.
Katie: “I am willing . . .” and read it again.
Marisa: I am willing to feel that my happiness depends on somebody loving me.
Katie: Yes, because it’s going to hurt to believe that thought. And then judge him again, or whoever it is, ask four questions, turn it around, and bring yourself back to sanity, back to peace. The pain shows you what’s left to investigate. It shows you what’s blocking you from the awareness of love. That’s what pain is for. “I look forward to . . .”
Marisa: I look forward to feeling that my happiness depends on somebody loving me?
Katie: Yes. Some of us are returning to sanity, because we’re tired of the pain. We’re in a hurry. No time to mess around. It’s good that you think, “Oh, I’d be happier if he were different.” Write it down. Put it up against inquiry.
The Baby Shouldn’t Scream
If you are a caregiver—if you have children or are feeling painfully responsible for anyone—you may find this dialogue particularly useful. Sally’s statements “I am responsible for my children’s choices” and “I have to take care of my children” are underlying beliefs for many people (see chapter 9), and it’s wonderful to watch her find some clarity about these concepts as she enters inquiry.
Sally: I’m looking for a way to work through my depression.
Katie: Okay, let’s see what cause we’re dealing with—what confused thoughts you’re believing that aren’t true for you and therefore leave you depressed.
Sally [reading from her Worksheet]: My son irritates me when he’s not responsible. He doesn’t do his homework. He doesn’t do his chores like I’ve told him to every day for the last eight years. I mean, it’s like it’s new every day.
Katie: Yes, I hear you clearly. Do you hear yourself? You are such an influence on his life. For eight years, you’ve been giving him guidance. For eight years, it hasn’t worked.
Sally: I get it, but it goes against my grain not to say anything. I can’t just let him do whatever he wants. As a parent, I am responsible for my children’s choices and their consequences and for the people they become.
Katie: Inquiry is for people who really want to know the truth. Do you really want to know the truth?
Sally: Yes.
Katie: The beautiful thing about this Work is that it’s your truth as a parent, not the world’s, that we’re about to deal with. “You’re responsible for your children’s choices”—is that true?
Sally [after a pause]: Well, no. The truth is I haven’t been able to control what he does. I don’t have any control over it. But I feel like I’m supposed to.
Katie: You said, “I don’t have any control over it.” That’s what goes against your grain. Even though you don’t have control over anything, you think you should. The effect of this thought is anxiety, frustration, and depression.
Sally: Isn’t it depressing to think that I have no control over anything? I mean, why should I even try? I get so frustrated that I don’t even want to be there taking care of him. Sometimes I just don’t even want to be a mom.
Katie: Is it true that you have to care for your son? Who makes you do it?
Sally: Well, no one really. I do. Hmmm. No, it’s probably not true that I have to take care of him.
Katie: I would drop the “probably.”
Sally: It’s truer that I do want to take care of him—even when I don’t like what he’s doing.
Katie: You’ve just found a wonderful truth within you. This truth brings great freedom. You don’t ever have to take care of your son again. You never had to in the first place. That means that he doesn’t owe you a thing. You’re not doing it for him. Now you understand that you’re doing it for yourself. With this awareness, you serve your children, knowing that you’re there because you want to be there, serving them and teaching them by the way you live. You do it simply because you love them, and because you like yourself when you do that. It’s not about them. This is unconditional love, even though it’s a totally selfish act. It’s truth owning itself. Once this is experienced, self-love becomes so greedy that there’s no limit to the people it can serve. That’s why to love one person unconditionally is to love all people. All right, let’s travel inside to the answers that you may not be aware of yet. “Your son should do his homework”—is it true?
Sally: Yes.
Katie: Can you absolutely know that it’s true that he should do his homework?
Sally: I pay for him to go to a private school. I know it’s true.
Katie: Yes, and can you absolutely know that it’s true that he should do his homework? Does he do his homework?
Sally: Eighty percent of the time.
Katie: So, “He’s supposed to do his homework 100 percent of the time”—is that true? What’s the reality of what he has done for eight years?
Sally: What has he been doing for eight years? He only does it about 80 percent. And I’m supposed to be happy with that? To just accept it?
Katie: It doesn’t matter whether you accept it or not. The reality is that he does about 80 percent. I’m not saying that he won’t do 100 percent tomorrow, but for now, that’s reality. Are you supposed to just accept it? Let’s see . . . For eight years . . . [The audience laughs.] you’ve been arguing with reality, and you’ve always lost. The effect of that has been stress, frustration, and depression. Let’s turn this whole thing around.
Sally: I irritate me when I don’t do my homework and my chores. Yes, that’s true. I do that. And I get really upset with myself then. Okay. I see that I’m expecting him to do more than what I’m actually doing.
Katie: When you have the thought that he should do his homework and chores, then notice the turnaround. Do your homework and chores—100 percent. Could it have been your example that taught him to do 80 percent? Or maybe you do 50 percent and he does 80 percent. He could be your teacher.
Sally: That’s really good. I get it. I haven’t modeled 100 percent. I also got really depressed about my baby last year. He wasn’t the baby I wanted him to be. He was sick all the time, and he didn’t sleep much. He wasn’t happy. He’s still not a friendly child. He screams when he sees people. I got so depressed.
Katie: “He’s not a friendly child”—is that true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true that he’s not a friendly child on the inside?
Sally: No.
Katie: How do you react when you think that thought about your child?
Sally: I become fearful about how people will treat him in his life. I imagine that his life will be hard, because it will be hard for people to love him, and no one will ever want to have a family with him because he’s so unfriendly, and before long there is no hope for him in my mind. “He’ll never have friends” is what I feel. That’s why I get depressed when he sees people and begins to cry.
Katie: Who would you be without that thought?
Sally: I would be peaceful. I would just love him exactly the way that he is.
Katie: With the thought, you’re depressed. Without the thought, you’re not depressed. So, sweetheart, can you see that it’s your uninvestigated thinking, not your child’s behavior, that is depressing you? Can you see that he has nothing to do with it? “He’s not supposed to scream when he sees people”—is that true?
Sally: No.
Katie: What’s the reality?
Sally: He does.
Katie: How do you react when you believe the thought that he’s not supposed to scream when he sees people, and he does scream?
Sally: I get depressed. I feel sad and embarrassed. My mother says that I’m spoiling him. People say he’s weird. Then I think, “Oh no! He’s weird! What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with me?” And when he cries, I even find myself screaming at this baby to shut up, which seems to make him scream even louder. And it doesn’t work. He doesn’t stop crying.
Katie: So again we find that it’s not his behavior that depresses you. That’s not possible. It has to be your own mental behavior that depresses you. This is natural when you believe the thought that he shouldn’t scream while he is screaming, and that his screaming means that there is something wrong with him and something wrong with you. That’s depressing. We want our children to validate the caring—the love, the nurturing, the acceptance—that we aren’t giving ourselves. Otherwise, why do we need them to behave according to our ideal? When you’re sane, a screaming child just is what it is: a screaming child. And you’re present in your thoughts and in the actions that follow from a clear, loving mind. So how do you treat your baby when you think that he shouldn’t scream when he sees people?
Sally: I tell him to be happy. “Let’s be happy, happy, happy!”
Katie: So you teach him that he’s wrong. If he’s screaming and you tell him, “Let’s be happy,” you teach him that he’s wrong. He thinks that he’s a failure in your eyes. But if you’re sane and calm and happy, even though he’s screaming, then through your example, you show him another way to live.
Sally: I’m telling him not to be who he is.
Katie: Yes. You’re telling him to be different than he is. That’s conditional love. Sweetheart, close your eyes and just for a moment picture him screaming, without your story.
Sally [after a long pause]: It’s actually kind of cute! That’s just who he is. I just want to hold him and say, “Aw, that’s okay.”
Katie: You’re becoming intimate with your son, and he’s not even in the room. Close your eyes now and look at your mother saying to you, “What is the matter with that child? Are you spoiling him again?” Look at her without your story.
Sally [with eyes closed, after a long pause]: That’s just my mother telling her story, and that’s my son screaming his little heart out. They’re both just being who they are. Nothing depressing there.
Katie: I hear you say that your son isn’t a friendly child. Can you absolutely know that that’s true, sweetheart?
Sally: No.
Katie: How do you react when you think that thought?
Sally: Sad, protective, depressed, frustrated. I want to run, and I want to stay, and I’m miserable, and I feel like a failure as a mom.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop that thought? And I’m not asking you to drop it. You didn’t bring it about, so how can you drop what you didn’t cause? In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire. I only want to know if you can see a reason to drop the thought that he isn’t a friendly child.
Sally: Yes, I can definitely see several.
Katie: Can you see a sane or stress-free reason to keep this thought, a reason that is not stressful?
Sally: No. I can’t find one.
Katie: Who would you be at home with your child without that thought?
Sally: I see. Without that thought, I would be peaceful and clear. I wouldn’t be depressed.
Katie: So what I’m learning from you is that no child can ever cause your depression. Only you can. What I hear from you is that with the thought, there’s stress, and without the thought, there’s peace. It’s no wonder that when we blame others for our insanity, we feel bad. We’ve been looking outside us for our own peace. We’ve been looking in the wrong direction.
Sally: I can’t believe it’s so simple!
Katie: If it weren’t so simple, I never could have found it. Good. Welcome to The Work.
I Need My Family’s Approval
When Justin sat down to do The Work, he seemed like a misunderstood, idealistic teenager. It’s not easy to find your own way when you believe that you need love, approval, appreciation, or anything from your family. It’s particularly hard when you want them to see things your way (for their own good, of course). As inquiry progresses, Justin internally rejoins his family, while at the same time he honors his own path.
Justin [reading from his Worksheet]: I’m angry and confused and saddened by my family because they judge me. I’m angry that there is a mold that is placed before me. I’m angry at my family and acquaintances for thinking that their path is the only way. It saddens me that I receive the most love when I assume the predestined pattern and I follow the way they think things should be.
Katie: Good. And the next statement?
Justin: I want my family to be who they are and not limit their love and attention according to their perception and idea of my progress. I want them to accept me as I learn my own truth in this life and love me for having found parts of my own truth and foundation.
Katie: Good. Read the first one again.
Justin: I’m angry and confused and saddened by my family because they judge me.
Katie: Okay. And not only is it the job of a parent, but it’s the job of everyone in this world to judge. That’s our job. What else is there? Everything’s a judgment. Give me a thought that’s not a judgment. “It’s a sky”—that’s a judgment. That’s what we do. So, “Parents shouldn’t judge their children”—is that true? What’s the reality of it? Do they?
Justin: Yes.
Katie: Yes, honey. That’s their job. How do you react when you think the thought “My parents aren’t supposed to judge me”?
Justin: Well, it weakens me, because I feel that I need to . . . I don’t know, I disagree with some of the things that I’ve been taught.
Katie: Let’s stay in inquiry. Watch as your mind wants to move into its proof that it’s right. When you notice this happening, gently move back to the question. How do you react when you think that thought? It weakens you. What else?
Justin: It stops me in my tracks, and I feel terrified.
Katie: How do you treat your parents when you believe the thought “I want you to stop judging me,” and they keep judging you?
Justin: I rebel, and I become distant. And that’s been my past so far.
Katie: Yes. So can you see a reason to drop this philosophy that would argue with the reality of the ages, that parents shouldn’t judge their children?
Justin: Yes.
Katie: Okay. Now what I want you to do after all these years is to give me a reason that is not stressful, just give me one sane or stress-free reason inside you to keep such a ridiculous lie.
Justin: Well, it’s a foundation for your life. It’s like a religious belief.
Katie: Does that reason feel peaceful?
Justin: No. [Pause] There isn’t a peaceful reason.
Katie: This is an insane belief. People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you’re on? Make yourself at home here: When you come to planet Earth, you judge us and we judge you. That’s it. It’s a nice planet to live on, once you get the ground rules straight. But this theory of yours is in direct opposition to what’s really happening. It’s crazy! Who would you be without the thought? Who would you be if you didn’t have the ability to think such a crazy thought, “I want my parents to stop judging me”?
Justin: I would have inner peace.
Katie: Yes. It’s called playing with a full deck. This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is. Parents judge, that’s it. You’ve had a lifetime of proof to know that this is true. So, honey, turn it around. Let’s see what’s possible. Let’s see what does work.
Justin: I’m confused and saddened by me because I judge myself.
Katie: Yes. And there’s another one. “I’m confused . . .”
Justin: I’m confused and saddened by me because I judge my parents and my family.
Katie: Yes. So I’ll strike a deal with you. When you stop judging them for judging you, then go talk to them about judgment.
Justin: That’s so true.
Katie: When you stop doing what you want them to stop doing, then you can talk to them. It may take a while.
Justin: I don’t know if I’m ready now.
Katie: Yes, sweetheart. Now, read number 2 on your Worksheet again.
Justin: I want my family to be who they are and not limit their love and attention . . .
Katie: They already are who they are. They’re people who limit their love and attention and who judge, according to you.
Justin [laughing]: Okay.
Katie: That’s who they are, it seems, until they aren’t. That’s their job, honey. A dog barks, a cat meows, and your parents judge. And they . . . what else did you say they do?
Justin: Well, they limit their love and attention according to . . .
Katie: Yes. That’s their job, too.
Justin: But they’re my family!
Katie: Yes, they are. And they limit and they judge. Sweetheart, this philosophy of yours is very stressful. Give me one stress-free reason to keep this philosophy that is so off the wall. I mean, we’re talking “nuts.”
Justin: I did feel nuts for quite some time.
Katie: Well, you would have to feel nuts for quite some time. You haven’t asked yourself what’s true and what’s not. So who would you be in the presence of your family without this thought? Who would you be without the ability to think this thought that opposes reality?
Justin: I’d be fabulous! I’d be so happy!
Katie: Yes. I would go with that. It’s also my experience.
Justin: But I want . . .
Katie: You can say “but” all you want, they’re still going to do their job.
Justin: Yes.
Katie: Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. “No. Wait for my approval.” I don’t think so! You lose, always. Turn it around, let’s look at the possibilities. “I want me . . .”
Justin: I want me to be who I am . . .
Katie: Yes.
Justin: . . . and not limit my love and attention for myself according to my perception of the idea of my progress. That’s hard to eat.
Katie: Oh, well! I like the part where you thought your parents should eat the same thing all these years. [The audience laughs.] So just sit with it a moment. I realize that I’m coming on strong, but these are great revelations. Without a story, revelations have room to surface from where they have always lived, inside you. There’s another turnaround. Be gentle. “I want me . . .”
Justin [after a pause]: I’m not seeing it.
Katie: Read it the way you wrote it.
Justin: I want my family to be who they are . . .
Katie: “I want me . . .”
Justin: I want me to be who I am and not limit my love and attention according to . . .
Katie: . . . “their” . . .
Justin: . . . their perception and idea of my progress. Wow! I like that one.
Katie: Yes, it’s living what you wanted them to live.
Justin: I just don’t want to let it go, it just brings up this turmoil inside me.
Katie: It’s supposed to, honey. Tell me more about the turmoil. What are your thoughts?
Justin: There are eleven children in my family, and they’re all just going, “You’re not doing the right thing.”
Katie: Well, they could be right. And you need to live what you need to live. Obviously, you need eleven, twelve, you need thirteen people coming at you so that you can know what’s true for yourself. Your path is yours. Theirs is theirs. Let’s look at the next statement.
Justin: I want them to accept me as I learn my own truth in this life.
Katie: They’re going to accept what they accept. Have they made you accept the way they live? Can they do that? Have thirteen people convinced you to follow their path?
Justin: Well, that’s my work, right? Because the foundation of their life . . .
Katie: Yes or no. Have they convinced you to walk their path?
Justin: No.
Katie: So if you can’t accept theirs, what makes you think that they can accept yours?
Justin: That’s true.
Katie: Put it in perspective. Thirteen people can’t convince you, and you think you’re going to convince all thirteen of them? If this is war, you’re outnumbered.
Justin: I know.
Katie: How do you react when you think the thought “I want them to accept my way,” and they don’t?
Justin: It’s painful.
Katie: Yes. Lonely?
Justin: Oh, yeah.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop this theory that anyone in this world needs to accept you at any time?
Justin: I need to drop that.
Katie: I’m not asking you to drop it. I’m just asking if you can see a good reason to. You can’t drop concepts. You can only shine a little flashlight on them as you do inquiry, and you see that what you thought was true wasn’t. And when the truth is seen, there’s nothing you can do to make the lie true for you again. An example we can work on is what you’ve written: “I want my family to accept my way.” It’s hopeless. How do you treat them when you believe that thought?
Justin: I get distant.
Katie: Who would you be in your family without this thought, “I want them to accept my way”?
Justin: Outgoing, loving.
Katie: Turn it around.
Justin: I want me to accept myself as I learn my own truth in this life.
Katie: There! If they’re not doing it, who does that leave? You. So, sweetheart, can you find another turnaround? “I want me . . .”
Justin: I want me to accept them as they learn their own truth in this life.
Katie: Yes. That’s all they’re doing. They’re just doing what you’re doing. We’re all doing the best we can. Let’s look at the next statement.
Justin: I want them to love me for having found parts of my own truth . . .
Katie: Whose business is it who you love?
Justin: My own.
Katie: Whose business is it who they love?
Justin: Theirs.
Katie: How does it feel when you’re mentally over there running their lives, dictating who they should love and why?
Justin: It’s not where I should be.
Katie: Is it lonely?
Justin: Yes, very.
Katie: So let’s turn it around.
Justin: I want me to love them for having found parts of their own truth.
Katie: Bingo! Their truth, not yours. They have a way that is so fabulous that all thirteen of them agree! Give me an example of what they say that is so painful. What’s the most painful thing they could say to or about you?
Justin: That I’m lost.
Katie: Can you find the place where you’ve been lost a while?
Justin: Oh hell, yeah!
Katie: Okay, so they’re right. The next time they say, “You’re lost,” you can say, “You know, I noticed that too one day.” Yes?
Justin: Yes.
Katie: So what other terrible thing did they say that might be true? I’ll tell you that for me, when someone used to say something that was true, one way I knew it was true was that I immediately felt defensive. I blocked it off, and I went to war with them in my mind and suffered all that goes with it. And they were only saying what was true. As a lover of truth, don’t you really want to know what that is? Often it’s the very thing that you’ve been looking for. What else do they say that’s painful?
Justin: I feel like they interrupt me when I try to describe what I’m going through. So that’s painful.
Katie: Of course it is. You think we’re supposed to listen?
Justin: But doesn’t a child deserve that?
Katie: No. It’s not a matter of deserving. They just don’t listen. “There are twelve kids here; give us a break!” How do you react when you think the thought “They should listen to me,” and they don’t?
Justin: Lonely.
Katie: And how do you treat them when you believe that thought?
Justin: I distance myself from them.
Katie: Pretty hard to listen when you’re way over there!
Justin: Yes.
Katie: “I want them to listen, so I think I’ll go away.”
Justin: Yes. I see your point.
Katie: Is it starting to add up a little? Who would you be in that amazing family without that thought? Who would you be if you didn’t have the ability to think the thought “I want them to listen to me”?
Justin: Content and peaceful.
Katie: A listener?
Justin: A listener.
Katie: Let’s turn it around. Let’s hear how you should live, sweetheart, not your family.
Justin: I want me to love myself for having found parts of my own truth and foundation. Yes, I do.
Katie: So, just be with it a minute. . . . And the other turnaround.
Justin: I want me to love them for having found parts of their own truth and foundation. Yes. I totally love them for their happiness, but . . . okay, okay. [Justin and the audience laugh.]
Katie: You caught it! That’s big. I love how you realized what’s more true for you and the judgment stopped. You laughed and stayed real. Okay, the next statement.
Justin: I already know the answer to this one.
Katie: Ah, you are good! Once we get the hang of reality, honey—ah!
Justin: I yearn for them to respect my music that I make and . . .
Katie: Hopeless.
Justin: Yes, it is.
Katie: Turn it around.
Justin: I yearn for me to respect my music.
Katie: There’s another one. “I yearn for me . . .”
Justin: I yearn for me to respect their music?
Katie: Here’s what their music is: “We don’t want to listen, we don’t want to understand. Come on our path, it works for us, we know it will work for you.” That’s their music. We all have our music, honey. If someone says, “Come walk on my path, it’s beautiful,” all I hear is that they love me with all their heart and want to give me what they see as beautiful. It just doesn’t always happen to be my way. It’s certainly equal to mine, though. And I love it that their way works for them and brings them happiness. All these ways! There’s no path that’s higher than another. Sooner or later, we begin to notice. The communication for that is “I love it that your way makes you happy. Thank you for wanting to share it with me.”
Justin: I can handle that when I settle down with everything else. It would be simple to say, “I’m happy for you, and I’m happy for me.”
Katie: “Leave yourself out of it; we don’t care! We like to hear the part where you’re happy for us. Get over it!” Painful stuff. No one wants to hear about you, certainly not at the level that we want you to hear about us. That’s how it is for now. Knowing that can be the end of the war in you, and there’s such strength in that, and I tell you truly that the truth of what we’re speaking of today will flow through your music. Isn’t that what you want?
Justin: Yes. I can’t believe I never saw this before.
Katie: Oh, honey. I didn’t see it for forty years, until I woke up to reality, the way you’re doing today. It’s always just a beginning. You might go home and ask your mom to sit with you for a while. And if she says, “No, I don’t have time,” good! Look forward to it. There’s always another way to be with her. If she’s changing diapers, you might say, “Can I help you?” Or you might sit with her and just listen to what she’s saying, just watch what she’s doing. Invite her to tell you about her path and listen to her life, watch her light up as she speaks of her God and her way, without letting your story interfere. There are many ways to be with your mother. It might be a whole new world for you. It opens an untapped world when you are clear about what you really want. No one can deprive me of my family—no one but me. I love it that you noticed today. There’s no family to save. No family to convert. There’s only one, as it turns out—you.
Justin: I like that.
Katie: Let’s look at the last statement on your Worksheet.
Justin: I refuse to be left unheard.
Katie: “I’m willing . . .”
Justin: I’m willing to be left unheard.
Katie: “I look forward to . . .”
Justin: I look forward to . . . no, I don’t . . . well . . .
Katie: If they don’t hear you and it hurts, do The Work again. “They’re supposed to hear me”—is that true?
Justin: No.
Katie: How do you react when you think the thought “They should hear me,” and they don’t?
Justin: Terrible.
Katie: So, who would you be without this thought, without this lie, “They should hear me”?
Justin: Whoa . . . It’s such a simple question, but there’s . . . Wow! I’d be happy. Peaceful.
Katie: “They should hear me”—turn it around.
Justin: I should hear me.
Katie: There’s another one.
Justin: They shouldn’t hear me.
Katie: Yes. Not unless they do. And there’s still another one.
Justin: I should hear them.
Katie: Yes. Hear their song. If I want my children to hear me, I’m insane. They’re only going to hear what they hear, not what I say. Let me see, maybe I’ll filter their hearing: “Don’t hear anything but what I say.” Does that sound a little crazy to you? “Don’t hear anything else, don’t hear your own thoughts, hear what I want you to hear, hear me.” Insane. And it just doesn’t work.
Justin: You waste so much energy trying to . . . yeah.
Katie: . . . direct their hearing. Hopeless. I want them to hear what they hear. I’m not crazy anymore. I’m a lover of what is. I invite you to go somewhere and be still with yourself this evening. Just be with it. And then you may want to go home and tell your family what you’ve discovered about yourself. Tell them so that you can hear it. And notice the thought “I want them to hear me.” Notice who you are with the thought and who you are without it. Don’t expect them to listen. Just say it so you can hear it.