7.
Doing The Work on Self-Judgments
One year, for his birthday, I bought my grandson Race a plastic Darth Vader toy because he had asked for it. He had just turned three; he didn’t have a clue about Star Wars, even though he wanted the Darth Vader toy. When you put a coin into Darth Vader, you hear the Star Wars music and Darth Vader’s heavy breathing. Then his voice says, “Impressive, but you are not a Jedi yet,” and he lifts his sword as if to emphasize the point. After Racey heard the voice, he said, “Grandma, I not a Jedi,” and shook his little head. I said, “Honey, you can be Grandma’s little Jedi.” And he said, “I not,” and again shook his head.
A week or so after I gave him the toy, I called him on the phone and asked him, “Sweetheart, are you a Jedi yet? Are you Grandma’s little Jedi?” And he said, in a sad little voice, “I not.” He didn’t even know what a Jedi was, he wasn’t even asking, and yet he wanted it. So the little guy was taking orders from a plastic toy and was walking around disappointed at the ripe old age of three.
Racey was visiting me when one of my friends invited me for a flight over the desert in his plane. I told my friend about the Jedi thing and asked if Racey could come with us. He said yes. Racey was very impressed. He loved the instrument panel and all the gadgets. My friend had made an arrangement with the ground crew, and as we landed, we heard a voice over the cabin speakers announcing, “Racey, you are a Jedi! You are a Jedi now!” Racey rolled his little eyes in disbelief. I asked him if he was a Jedi yet. He wouldn’t answer me. When we got home, he ran straight to Darth Vader. He dropped in his coin, the music began, with the heavy breathing, the sword rose, and the deep voice said, “Impressive, but you are not a Jedi yet.” That seemed to be the way of it. I asked him one more time, and he told me, “Grandma, I not.” Most little three-year-olds don’t know how to do inquiry yet.
Many of us judge ourselves as relentlessly as that plastic toy played its recording, telling ourselves over and over what we are and what we’re not. Once investigated, these self-judgments simply melt away. I have yet to see an inquiry that didn’t reveal innocence—innocence in others and innocence in ourselves. If you’ve been following the instructions up to this point and have done The Work by pointing the finger of blame outward, you will have noticed that your judgments of others always turn back toward you. Sometimes those turned-around judgments can feel uncomfortable. That’s how you know that you’ve hit a belief you have about yourself that you haven’t investigated yet. For example, “He should love me” turns around to “I should love myself,” and if you experience stress with that thought, you may want to take a look at it. There is much to be found in the inquiry into “I should love myself,” and I invite you to take your time when you come to the questions “How do I react when I think I should love myself (and I don’t know how)?” and “Who would I be without the thought ‘I should love myself’?” There’s unlimited self-love to be found there.
As you become fluid with the four questions and turnaround, you’ll develop stability. You’ll begin to discover for yourself that The Work is equally powerful when the one you’re judging is yourself. You’ll see that the “you” you judge is no more personal than everyone else turned out to be. The Work deals with concepts, not people.
The four questions are used in exactly the same way when you apply them to self-judgments. For example, let’s consider the self-judgment “I am a failure.” First, go inside with questions 1 and 2: Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I’m a failure? My husband or wife may say so, my parents may say so, and I may say so, but can I absolutely know that it’s true? Could it be that all along I have lived the life I should have lived and that everything I’ve done has been what I should have done? Then move on to question 3: Make a list of how you react, how you feel physically, and how you treat yourself and others when you believe the thought “I am a failure.” What do you do specifically? What do you say specifically? Do your shoulders slump? Do you snap at people? Do you go to the refrigerator? Continue with your list. Then go inside with question 4: Experience what your life would be like if you never had this thought again. Close your eyes and picture how you would be without the thought “I am a failure.” Be still as you watch. What do you see?
The turnaround for self-judgments can be quite radical. When you use the 180-degree turnaround, “I am a failure” becomes “I am not a failure” or “I am a success.” Go inside with this turnaround and let it reveal to you how it is as true as or truer than your original judgment. Make a list of the ways in which you are a success. Bring those truths out of the darkness. Some of us find this extremely difficult at first and may be hard-pressed to find even one example. Take your time. If you really want to know the truth, allow the truth to reveal itself to you. Find three successes each day. One could be “I brushed my teeth.” Two, “I did the dishes.” Three, “I breathed.” It’s a wonderful thing to be a success at being what you are, whether you realize it or not.
Sometimes replacing the word “I” with “my thinking” will bring a realization or two. “I am a failure” becomes “My thinking is a failure, especially about myself.” You can understand this clearly when you go inside to answer question 4. Without the thought “I am a failure,” you are perfectly fine. It’s the thought that is painful, not your life.
Don’t get stuck in the turnarounds, as if there’s a right or wrong way of doing them. When you sit with your self-judgments, let the turnarounds find you. If a turnaround doesn’t work for you, this is as it should be. Don’t force it; just move on to the next statement. Remember that The Work is not a method; it’s a way of self-discovery.
Afraid of Life
I love this dialogue because it shows that The Work can move fluidly, as a loving conversation. When you facilitate others or yourself, you don’t have to use the four questions in a strict order or in a prescribed way. This is particularly helpful when someone—you or the person you’re facilitating—is frightened and the painful thoughts are hidden from view.
Marilyn: I kind of didn’t follow the rules, because I wrote about myself.
Katie: Yes, you definitely didn’t follow the rules. And that’s okay. We do that. There are no mistakes. There’s no way you can do The Work wrong. What I suggest is that people judge someone else, not themselves yet, and you may find out that you’re the someone else. It’s all equal. So let’s hear what you’ve written.
Marilyn: Okay. I’m angry at Marilyn . . .
Katie: That’s you?
Marilyn: That’s me . . . because she is the way she is. I want Marilyn to be free. I want her to get over her many fears and her anger.
Katie: So what are you afraid of, honey?
Marilyn: I think I’m afraid of participating in life.
Katie: What’s an example? Tell me more. I want to know.
Marilyn: Well, for example, getting a job, having sex.
Katie: Yes. So, what would be the most frightening thing for you around sex? What’s the worst thing that could happen if you were having sex?
Marilyn: Well, that I could freak out. I could just . . . lose it.
Katie: Okay. Let’s say you’re having sex and you absolutely lose it. That’s what most women want when they have sex. [The audience bursts into loud laughter.]
Marilyn [hiding her face with her Worksheet]: I can’t believe I’m saying this! I don’t think this is going where I want it to! Maybe we should start all over again! I thought we were going to talk about spiritual things! [Laughter]
Katie: Oh, God is everything but not sex? Is that true? [Laughter]
Marilyn: I think we should start over! Don’t you?
Katie: Hmm. No, that was you thinking that. It wasn’t me. [Laughter]
Marilyn: How about if I read some of the other ones?
Katie: Sweetheart, this discussion is part of life, and you’re participating very well.
Marilyn [moaning and turning her back to the audience]: Oh! I can’t believe I said that part! I have all these other things I could have said!
Katie: There’s no mistake, angel. So I would like you to look out at the audience. Okay? How many of you are really happy that this woman is participating? [Applause, whistles, and cheers] Look. Look down there at those faces. You see, the very thing that you think won’t work does work. Maybe it’s backward. Maybe you’ve been participating fully and haven’t been aware of it. You are so beautiful. You’re so beautiful in your shyness, and you just want to go back to these written words so you can get some control.
Marilyn: Yeah.
Katie: But what’s happening now is just like sex. You don’t have control. And everyone is falling in love with you. That’s the innocence that we’re so attracted to. There’s no control in it. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s like an orgasm.
Marilyn [hiding her face with her Worksheet]: I can’t believe you said that word! I’m so embarrassed! Can’t we talk about something else? [Laughter]
Katie: “You can’t believe I said that word”—is that true? No! I did say it! I said the word! [Laughter] Losing control can be wonderful, sweetheart.
Marilyn: What about the fear?
Katie: What fear? You mean your embarrassment?
Marilyn: No, it’s worse than that. It’s terror.
Katie: Sweetheart, “You are in terror”—is that true? “The feelings that you feel now are terror”—can you really know that that’s true?
Marilyn: No.
Katie: Who would you be without your story that you are in terror? [Long pause] So let’s move back and do one at a time. You’re talking about something that you don’t want to talk about, in front of a roomful of people, and you’re feeling . . .
Marilyn: It’s worth it! If it will get me to freedom, I’ll do anything.
Katie: Yes, honey. Good. Then let’s do inquiry. This is what I know. I am here to give you four questions that are kind enough to leave your freedom to you, not me.
Marilyn: Okay.
Katie: Okay. So are you willing to answer my questions?
Marilyn: Yes.
Katie: I want to know more about your embarrassment. How does being embarrassed feel? How does it feel in your chest, in your stomach, in your arms, in your legs? How did it feel, physically, to sit on this couch and feel embarrassed?
Marilyn: I feel heat in my head. And in my tummy there’s lots of energy. Kind of going k-k-k-k, like that.
Katie: Uh-huh. Good. So that’s the worst that can happen. If you talk about the most frightening topic, on stage, the worst that can happen is what you’ve described. A few fireworks going on in your tummy, and a little heat in your head. Can you handle it?
Marilyn: But what if my mom and dad were here?
Katie: Hmm. You’d feel a little heat in your head, and a little movement here in your . . .
Marilyn: I think I might just faint or black out.
Katie: Okay. Good. You could faint or black out. And then what would happen?
Marilyn: I’d wake up, and then I’d . . . What if I were still here?
Katie: What’s the worst that could happen? You’d still be here. And notice that you’re still here, right now. You’re already surviving the worst that could happen.
Marilyn: And life goes on, and I’m still myself, I’m still the way I am.
Katie: And what way is that?
Marilyn: Not free. I’m caught in my stuff.
Katie: Sweetheart, what does freedom look like?
Marilyn [pointing to Katie]: Kind of like . . .
Katie: Hmm. [The audience laughs.] I would take that to inquiry later. Write it out. “Katie is free”—can I absolutely know that that’s true? How do I react when I believe that thought? Put it down on paper and follow it through.
Marilyn: I know! I’m really caught up in my stories about this personality and this body, and . . .
Katie: Let’s go back to inquiry now, so that you don’t avoid realizing what you already know. What you already know can set you free from fear. Answer this: “If your parents were sitting here now . . .”
Marilyn: Oh, God! I know, I know! I’m forty-seven, and I shouldn’t even be worried about that!
Katie: Well, of course you should be worried about it, because you are. That’s reality. You’re so beautiful. If your parents were sitting here, what would they be thinking?
Marilyn: Well, they’d probably be mortified that I’m talking about these things out here in public.
Katie: So they’d be mortified.
Marilyn: Uh-huh.
Katie: Can you really know that that’s true?
Marilyn: I can guess pretty well.
Katie: You can guess that it’s true, yes. And I’m asking you to answer the question. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that your parents would be mortified?
Marilyn: Inwardly, on the deepest . . . From the perspective of if they were dead and looking down on me, I can imagine it, but in every other way . . .
Katie: Are you interested in inquiry?
Marilyn: Yes. I’m sorry.
Katie [laughing]: Is it true that you’re sorry?
Marilyn: Well, I’m kind of getting off on the track of my drama.
Katie: So just answer the question. Is it true that you’re sorry? Yes or no. When you said, “I’m sorry,” was it true that you were sorry?
Marilyn: I was more ashamed that I got off track.
Katie: What if you had to answer yes or no? “You were sorry”—is that true?
Marilyn: I think the words just came out. I . . . No! I don’t know!
Katie: Sweetheart.
Marilyn: Oh, I’m trying so hard, and I’m just not getting this!
Katie: So let’s go back a little. Okay? It takes just a yes or no, and please don’t worry about giving the right answer. Give the answer that you feel is true for you, even if you think it’s wrong. And honey, there isn’t anything serious to worry about, ever. This isn’t a serious thing. If self-realization didn’t make things lighter, who would want it?
Marilyn: Okay.
Katie: This is about asking yourself. “If your parents were in this audience, they would be mortified”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Marilyn: In the biggest picture I can’t. I mean, no.
Katie: Good! [The audience applauds.] You almost gave a straight answer. So you could hear it yourself. It doesn’t matter what I think. You gave an answer for you to hear. This is self-inquiry. Not inquiry for me, or anyone else. How do you react when you think that your parents would be mortified if they were in this audience?
Marilyn: I censor things. I censor my life. And I feel angry about this.
Katie: How do you live your life when you believe that your parents would be mortified about something you did?
Marilyn: Wow! I’ve been living my whole life in hiding.
Katie: This doesn’t sound very peaceful to me. It sounds very stressful.
Marilyn: It is.
Katie: It sounds like living in fear, being very careful all your life so that they won’t be mortified.
Marilyn: Yeah.
Katie: Give me a peaceful reason, a reason without stress, to believe that your parents would be mortified if they were in this room.
Marilyn: It doesn’t have to do with peace. There’s no peaceful reason.
Katie: No peaceful reason. So what would you be, with your parents in the room, if you didn’t believe that thought?
Marilyn [laughing, beaming]: Oh! Yeah! Wow!! [The audience laughs.] Thank you!
Katie: What would you be? Freedom? The joy and laughter of just being yourself?
Marilyn: Oh, yeah! Freedom to be. I would be so blissful and happy, right here with you.
Katie: Just as you are now?
Marilyn [looking out at the audience and laughing]: And with all these beautiful people.
Katie: You participate in life very well. So what I’m learning from you is that when you think that thought, you’re fearful. And when you don’t think it, you’re free. What I’m learning from you is that your parents have never been the problem. It’s your thinking about them that is your problem, your uninvestigated belief about what they think or don’t think.
Marilyn: Wow!
Katie: Isn’t that amazing? Your parents aren’t your problem. That’s not a possibility. No one else can be your problem. I like to say that no one can hurt me—that’s my job. This is good news.
Marilyn: Oh, I understand! Yes, it is good news!
Katie: It leaves you in a position to stop blaming others and to look to yourself for your own freedom, not to them or anyone else.
Marilyn: Yes.
Katie: It leaves you responsible for your freedom, not your parents.
Marilyn: Yes.
Katie: Thank you. I look forward to our friendship.
Marilyn: There’s great liberation in this.
Katie: Yes, sweetheart. Yes, there is.