9.
Doing The Work on Underlying Beliefs
Often beneath the judgments we’ve written lie other thoughts. These may be thoughts that we’ve believed for years and that we use as our fundamental judgments of life. In most cases, we haven’t ever questioned them. I call these thoughts “underlying beliefs.” These beliefs are broader or more general versions of our stories. Some underlying beliefs may expand a judgment of an individual to include an entire group of people. Some are judgments about life that may not sound like judgments at all. But if you notice that you feel stress when you become aware of these beliefs, they may be worth investigating.
Underlying beliefs are the religion we actually live. They can sometimes be found just beneath the most commonplace, everyday judgments. Suppose you have written down a trivial-sounding, uncomfortable thought like “George should hurry up so we can go for a walk.” Inquiry might bring to your awareness various unexamined thoughts that may be linked to “George should hurry up”:
The present is not as good as the future.
I’d be happy if I had my way.
It’s possible to waste time.
If I slow down, I’ll notice my suffering and
won’t be able to stand it.
Attachment to these underlying beliefs will make life painful for you in situations where you’re waiting or where you perceive other people as moving too slowly. If any of these beliefs seem familiar to you, the next time you’re waiting for someone, I invite you to write down the thoughts that underlie your impatience and see if they’re really true for you. (You’ll find suggestions below for doing this.) Wouldn’t it be wonderful never to have to wait for anything, to feel that what you want is what you already have?
Underlying beliefs are the building blocks of your concept of heaven and your concept of hell. They show exactly how you think you would improve reality if you had your way, and how bad reality could look if your fears came true. All of this is liberating information when you bring it to inquiry. To watch it all collapse—to discover that those painful beliefs that we’ve carried around for years are not true for us, that we’ve never needed them at all—is an incredibly freeing experience. There’s a flow to inquiry at this point, a steady flow of self-revelation. Here are some examples of the kind of statements you may find yourself working with:
It’s possible to be in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
Life is unfair.
It’s necessary to know what to do.
I can feel your pain.
Death is sad.
It’s possible to miss out on something.
If I don’t suffer, it means that I don’t care.
God will punish me if I’m not good.
There is life after death.
Children are supposed to like their parents.
Survival is necessary.
Something terrible could happen to me.
Parents are responsible for their children’s choices.
I need to remember.
It’s possible to make a mistake.
There is a right way to do The Work.
There is evil in the world.
You may want to do The Work on any of these statements that seem like obstacles to your freedom.
Whenever you notice that you’re feeling defensive in conversations with your friends or family, or whenever you’re sure that you’re right, you may want to jot down your own underlying belief and do The Work on it later. This is wonderful material for inquiry, if you really want to know the truth and to live without the suffering these beliefs cause.
One of the best ways of discovering your underlying beliefs is to write out your “proof of truth” for question 1. Rather than moving immediately to the awareness that you can’t really know anything, allow yourself to stay in the story. Stay in the place where you really do believe that what you have written is true. Then write down all the reasons that prove it’s true. From this list, a wealth of underlying beliefs will become evident. The following is an example of using the “proof of truth” exercise to discover underlying beliefs.
Using “Proof of Truth” to Discover Underlying Beliefs
Original Statement: I am angry at Bobby, Ross, and Roxann because they don’t really respect me.
Proof of Truth:
1. They ignore me when I ask them to put their things away.
2. They fight noisily when I am on the telephone with a client.
3. They make fun of things I care about.
4. They walk in unannounced and expect immediate attention when
I am working or even in the bathroom.
5. They don’t eat or appreciate the food I prepare for them.
6. They don’t remove their wet shoes before they come into the
house.
7. If I correct one of them, they tease that one and fight.
8. They don’t want me to be with their friends.
Underlying Beliefs:
1. They ignore me when I ask them to put their things away.
Children should respect adults.
People should respect me.
People should follow my directions.
My direction is best for other people.
If someone ignores me, that means they don’t respect me.
2. They fight noisily when I am on the telephone with a client.
There is a time and a place for everything.
Children have the self-control to be quiet when the phone rings.
Clients are more important than children.
What people think about my children matters to me.
It’s possible to gain respect through control.
3. They make fun of things I care about.
People shouldn’t have fun or be happy at my expense.
Children should care about what their parents care about.
4. They walk in unannounced and expect immediate attention when
I am working or even in the bathroom.
There are appropriate times to ask for what you want.
Children should wait for attention.
The bathroom is sacred ground.
Other people are responsible for my happiness.
5. They don’t eat or appreciate the food I prepare for them.
Children shouldn’t make their own decisions about what to eat.
I need to be appreciated.
People’s tastes should shift when I say so.
6. They don’t remove their wet shoes before they come into the house.
I am overworked and not appreciated.
Children should care about the house.
7. If I correct one of them, they tease that one and fight.
I have the power to cause war.
War is my fault.
Parents are responsible for their children’s behavior.
8. They don’t want me to be with their friends.
Children should see their parents the way they see their friends.
Children are ungrateful.
When you discover an underlying belief, apply the four questions to it and then turn it around. As with self-judgments, the most pertinent turnaround is often the one to the opposite polarity, the 180-degree turnaround. The undoing of one underlying belief allows whole families of related beliefs to surface and therefore to become available for inquiry.
Now let’s walk through an underlying belief. Take your time and listen as you ask yourself the questions.
My Life Should Have a Purpose
“My life should have a purpose” might at first seem like an odd subject for inquiry. You might think that this underlying belief couldn’t possibly cause people pain or problems, that a statement like “My life doesn’t have a purpose” might be painful enough to warrant inquiry, but not this one. It turns out, though, that this apparently positive belief is just as painful as an apparently negative belief. And that the turnaround, in its apparently negative form, is a statement of great relief and freedom.
Underlying Belief: My life should have a purpose.
Is it true? Yes.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No.
How do I react when I think the thought? I feel fear, because I don’t know what my purpose is, and I think I should know. I feel stress in my chest and head. At this point, I may snap at my husband and children, and this eventually takes me to the refrigerator and the television in my bedroom, often for hours or days. I feel as if I’m wasting my life. I think that what I actually do is unimportant and that I need to do something big. This is stressful and confusing. When I believe this thought, I feel great internal pressure to complete my purpose before I die. Since I can’t know when that is, I think that I have to quickly accomplish this purpose (which I don’t have a clue about). I feel a sense of stupidity and failure, and this leaves me depressed.
Do I see a reason to drop this story? Yes. It’s very painful to live this way. Also, when I believe this story, I envy some people. I think they have found their purpose and are clear about it. I imitate these people. I even take on their purpose as my purpose. I come at them in a phony way and keep myself emotionally distant from them.
Can I find one stress-free reason to keep this story? No.
Who would I be without the belief that my life should have a purpose? I have no way of knowing. I know I’m more peaceful without it, less crazed. I would settle for that! Without the fear and stress around this thought, maybe I’d be freed and energized enough to be happy just doing the thing in front of me.
The turnaround: My life should not have a purpose. That would mean that what I’ve lived has always been enough, and I just haven’t recognized it. Maybe my life shouldn’t have a purpose other than what it is. That feels odd, yet it somehow rings truer. Could it be that my life as it’s already lived is the purpose? That seems a lot less stressful.
Applying Inquiry to an
Underlying Belief
Now write down a stressful underlying belief of your own and put it up against inquiry:
Is it true? Can you really know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought? (How much of your life is based on it? What do you do and say when you believe it?)
Can you see a reason to drop the thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Turn the underlying belief around.
The dialogues that follow could have been included in chapter 4 (“Doing The Work on Couples and Family Life”) and chapter 6 (“Doing The Work on Work and Money”). They have been placed here because they are good examples of doing The Work on underlying beliefs that can affect you in many areas of your life. If you believe that your happiness depends on someone else, as Charles did before inquiry, that belief will undermine all your relationships, including the relationship with yourself. If, like Ruth in the second dialogue, you believe that you need to make a decision when you’re not ready to, life will seem like a succession of bewildering responsibilities. Charles thinks that the problem is his wife; Ruth thinks that it’s her money. But, as these experts will teach us, the problem is always our uninvestigated thinking.
She Was Supposed to Make Me Happy
Charles is sure that his happiness depends on his wife. Watch as this amazing man discovers that even his worst nightmare—his wife’s affair—turns out to be what he really wants for her and for himself. In an hour or so, by investigating his own thinking, he changes his whole world. Happiness may look entirely different from the way you imagine it.
Notice also how in this dialogue, I sometimes use the turnaround without the four questions. I don’t recommend that people new to The Work do it this way, because they could experience shame and guilt if they turn statements around without inquiring first. But I didn’t see Charles experiencing the turnaround that way, and I wanted to walk with him through as many statements as possible in our limited time together, knowing that after the session he could go back and give himself as intricate a surgery as he wanted in any areas that may have been missed.
Charles: I’m angry at Deborah because she told me the night before she left for a month that I repulse her—I repulse her when I’m snoring, and I repulse her because of my overweight body.
Katie: Yes. So, have you ever been repulsed? Have you experienced that?
Charles: I’ve been repulsed by myself.
Katie: Yes, and what else? Someone in your past, maybe: a friend, your parents at some time or other?
Charles: By people who beat children in airports, and things like that.
Katie: Yes. So, could you stop feeling repulsed at the time?
Charles: No.
Katie: Okay. Feel it. Look at yourself in that situation. Whose business was your repulsion?
Charles: Obviously mine.
Katie: Whose business is it what repulses Deborah . . . is she your wife?
Charles: Yes.
Katie: Whose business is it what repulses her?
Charles: I get into some heavy “shoulds” about what a beloved soul mate should think and feel about me.
Katie: Oh, well! That’s a good one! [The audience laughs.] I love how you don’t answer the question.
Charles: It’s not my business.
Katie: Whose business is her repulsion?
Charles: Hers.
Katie: And what happens when you’re mentally in her business? Separation. Could you stop being repulsed when you witnessed the child abuse at the airport?
Charles: No.
Katie: But she’s supposed to stop being repulsed? Because of the soul-mate mythology you have going?
Charles: I’ve been carrying this “should” about how she should be with me for my whole life, and right now I’m at the point where I’m losing that “should.”
Katie: Okay, sweetheart. How do you treat her when you believe the thought that wives are supposed to see their husbands as not repulsive?
Charles: I put her in a prison. I two-dimensionalize her.
Katie: How do you treat her physically? How does it look? How does it sound? Close your eyes and look at yourself. Look at how you treat her when you believe the thought that she’s supposed to stop being repulsed, and she doesn’t stop. What do you say? What do you do?
Charles: “Why are you being that way with me? Don’t you see who I am? How can you not see?”
Katie: So when you’re doing that, how does it feel?
Charles: It’s a prison.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the story that your wife shouldn’t be repulsed by you?
Charles: Absolutely.
Katie: Can you see a stress-free reason to keep the story?
Charles: No, not anymore. When it comes to keeping our family together, and honoring what I know to be true, for us as souls . . .
Katie: Oh. Is it the soul-mate thing?
Charles: Yeah. I’m really caught there.
Katie: Yes. So read the part about her being your soul mate.
Charles: You’re not ridiculing me now, are you?
Katie: I’m doing whatever you say I’m doing. I am your story of me—no more and no less.
Charles: Okay. Fascinating.
Katie: Yes. When you sit on this couch, your concepts are meat in the grinder, if you really want to know the truth. [The audience laughs.]
Charles [laughing]: Okay. Ground round, here I am. [More laughter]
Katie: I’m a lover of truth. And when someone sits on this couch with me, I am clear that he is, too. I love you. I want what you want. If you want to keep your story, that’s what I want. If you want to answer the questions and realize what’s really true for you, that’s what I want. So, sweetheart, let’s continue. Read the part about soul mates.
Charles: I don’t have that written down. It would be like “She doesn’t accept me for who I am.”
Katie: “She doesn’t accept me for who I am”—turn it around.
Charles: I don’t accept me for who I am. That’s true. I don’t.
Katie: There’s another turnaround.
Charles: I don’t accept her for who she is.
Katie: Yes. She is a woman who tells herself a story about you that she hasn’t investigated and who repulses herself. Nothing else is possible.
Charles: Ahhh. I’ve been holding her to that for years. Yes. And myself.
Katie: You tell a story about her, and you repulse yourself.
Charles: I do.
Katie: Or you make yourself happy. You tell one story of your wife, and you turn yourself on. You tell another story of your wife, and you turn yourself off. She tells a story of you, and she turns herself on. She tells another story of you, and she repulses herself. Uninvestigated stories often leave chaos and resentment and hatred within our own families. Until we investigate, nothing else is possible. So read the first one again.
Charles: Okay. I’m angry at Deborah because she told me that I repulse her because of my snoring and my overweight body.
Katie: Yes. So turn it around. “I’m angry at myself . . .”
Charles: I’m angry at myself because . . .
Katie: “I told Deborah . . .”
Charles: I told Deborah . . .
Katie: “That she . . .”
Charles: That she repulses me.
Katie: Yes. For her what?
Charles: For her willingness to dispose of the relationship so easily.
Katie: Yes. So you have everything in common with her. You snore, she’s repulsed. She leaves, you’re repulsed. What’s the difference?
Charles: I am repulsed by that. [There are tears in his eyes.] Oh, my God!
Katie: There’s no way she can’t be a mirror image of your thinking. There is no way. There’s no one out there but your story. Let’s look at the next one. “I’m angry at myself for” . . . what?
Charles: For being self-righteous, for thinking that she should be the way I want her to be.
Katie: Whose business is it who you live with?
Charles: Mine.
Katie: Yes. You want to live with her. It’s your business who you want to live with.
Charles: Right.
Katie: So this is exactly a turnaround. She wants to live with someone else. You want to live with someone else.
Charles: Oh, I see. I want to be with someone else—someone who doesn’t exist, the woman I want her to be. [Charles bursts into tears.]
Katie: Good, sweetheart. [She passes Charles a box of tissues.]
Charles: That’s true. That’s true. I’ve been doing that for a long time.
Katie: Let’s look at the next statement.
Charles: I want Deborah to be grateful for life as it is.
Katie: She is or she’s not. Whose business is it?
Charles: It’s her business.
Katie: Turn it around.
Charles: I want me to be grateful for life as it is.
Katie: Yes. You know that thing you preach to her? You know that thing you preach to your children? You live it.
Charles: Yeah.
Katie: But as long as you’re trying to teach us, there’s no hope. Because you’re teaching what you don’t know how to live yet. How can a person who doesn’t know how to be happy teach someone how to be happy? There’s no teacher there of anything but pain. How can I end my spouse’s pain or my child’s pain if I can’t end my own? Hopeless. Who would you be without your story of pain? You might be someone without pain, selfless, a listener, and then there would be a teacher in the house. A Buddha in the house—the one that lives it.
Charles: I hear you.
Katie: This is actually the sweetest thing to know. It gives you an internal responsibility. And that’s where realization is born into the world and how we find our freedom. Rather than being Deborah-realized, you can be self-realized. Let’s look at the next one.
Charles: I want her to own her own power. I mean, this is just such bullshit!
Katie: You’ve come a long way since you wrote this statement, angel. Can you hear the arrogance? “Excuse me, dear, but you should own your own power.” [The audience laughs.]
Charles: But it’s so ironic, because she’s the one who has the power in the family. I’ve given her that. I’ve abdicated my own power.
Katie: Yes. So turn it around.
Charles: I want me to own my own power.
Katie: And stay out of her business and experience the power of that. Yes?
Charles: Mmm. I want her to understand that there are consequences to her temper.
Katie: Oh! My, my, my!
Charles: So much self-righteousness here I can’t even believe it.
Katie: Honey, are you good! This is self-realization. We are so clear about our partners, but when it hits here, it’s like “Whoa!” [The audience laughs.] We begin now. This now is the beginning. It’s where you can meet yourself with new understanding. So, let’s look at the next statement of mind on paper.
Charles: Deborah shouldn’t . . . Oh, my God!
Katie: There are some people in the audience saying, “Read it anyway.” Obviously they’re the ones who need it. So “read it anyway” means “I want some freedom here.”
Charles: Deborah shouldn’t fall in love with a fantasy. She’s meeting another man in Europe right now.
Katie: Oh. She’s doing everything you wanted to do. [The audience laughs.]
Charles: It’s everything I have done. I’ve been in love with a fantasy. And fighting, and hitting my head against Deborah, and being repulsed that she doesn’t match the fantasy.
Katie: Yes. Welcome home.
Charles: And every single one of the things I wrote here is . . . I’m rubbing my face in self-righteousness. Deborah should see how incredibly thoughtful, considerate, and loving I am. I’ve been hanging myself on that story my whole life. And I’ve coupled that with beating myself up for not being better. That self-importance/self-rejection thing has been dancing right through my life.
Katie: Yes, sweetheart.
Charles: So, I want myself to see how thoughtful and considerate and loving I am.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: And how thoughtful and considerate and loving she is.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: Because she is.
Katie: Yes. And you love her with all your heart. That’s the bottom line. There’s nothing you can do about that. No condemning is going to move that in you. You love her.
Charles: I do.
Katie: Yes. So let’s continue.
Charles: Deborah should . . . it’s all self-righteousness . . . be grateful for all the years I’ve been the sole breadwinner.
Katie: So you gave her your money because you wanted something from her.
Charles: Absolutely.
Katie: What was it?
Charles: Her love. Her approval. Her appreciation. Her acceptance of me as is. Because I couldn’t give it to myself . . .
Katie: So you gave her nothing. You gave her a price tag.
Charles: Right.
Katie: Yes. And that’s what you feel.
Charles: And I’m repulsed by that.
Katie: Yes, angel. Yes.
Charles: I really did feel I could buy that.
Katie: Yes. Isn’t it fine that you’re seeing that now? So the next time you try to buy your children, or her, or anyone else, you have this wonderful life experience. You can call on the expert: you. The next time you give your children money, or give her money, you can know that the receiving is in the moment you give it. That’s it!
Charles: Can you say that another way?
Katie: The getting, the receiving, is experienced in the moment you give something away. The transaction is complete. That’s it. It’s all about you. One day, when my grandson Travis was two years old, he pointed to a huge cookie in a store window. I said, “Honey, are you sure that’s the one you want?” He was sure. I asked him if we could share it, and he said yes. I bought it and took his little sweet hand, and we walked to a table. I took the cookie out of the bag and broke off a small piece, and I held up both pieces. He reached for the small one and looked very shocked as I moved it away and put the large piece in his hand, and his face lit up as he began to move the cookie to his mouth. Then his eyes caught mine. I felt so much love that I thought my heart would burst. He smiled and took his huge cookie from his lips, gave it to me, and took the small piece. It’s natural in us. The giving is how we receive.
Charles: I see.
Katie: Giving is spontaneous, and only the story of a future, a story about what they owe you for it, would keep you from knowing your own generosity. What comes back is none of your business. It’s over. So, sweetheart, let’s look at the next statement.
Charles: I need Deborah to love me as I am, warts and all. To love my strengths and weaknesses, to understand my need to actualize myself as an artist and spiritual being, to give me room to go through this major midlife passage and try to find more meaning in what I’m doing. So with all that, I should just focus on one, shouldn’t I?
Katie: Yes. Keep it simple, and just turn it around.
Charles: I need Deborah to . . .
Katie: “I need me . . .”
Charles: I need me to love myself as I am, warts and all. I haven’t been loving myself that way. But I’m starting to.
Katie: And it’s the story you tell of the wart that keeps you from loving it. The wart just waits for a sane mind to see it clearly. It doesn’t do any harm. It’s just there like . . . like a leaf on a tree. You don’t argue with a leaf and say, “Yo! Let’s talk. Look at your shape. You need to do something about it.” [Charles and the audience laugh.] You don’t do that. But you focus here [pointing to her hand], on a wart, you tell a story about it, and you repulse yourself. A wart is . . . God. It is reality. It is what is. Argue with that.
Charles: I’ve been feeling so needy. Needing her to stay at home for the children’s sake, too.
Katie: “Your children would be much better off with her at home”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Charles: No, I don’t know that it’s true.
Katie: Isn’t that amazing?
Charles: And that’s the thing that’s caused the most pain—the thought of not living together.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: But I don’t know that it’s true, that my daughter wouldn’t thrive without us being together.
Katie: Yes. “Your daughter’s path would be much richer with her mother at home”—can you absolutely know that that’s true? [Charles begins to cry.] Sweetheart, take all the time you need. What’s the sound of it?
Charles [bursting out]: I don’t want to be separated from my kids! I want to be a twenty-four-hour, seven-days-a-week dad!
Katie: Yes. That’s the truth of it, isn’t it?
Charles: But my devotion to my work and being in the studio has taken me away a lot. So there’s a contradiction in that. I want to wake up with my daughter, you know?
Katie: Yes, I do.
Charles: And I have the picture of a family together. That picture is really imbedded.
Katie: Yes, you do.
Charles [crying and laughing]: Donna Reed was my favorite TV show. [Katie and the audience laugh.] It really was!
Katie: So her leaving is not the problem. It’s the death of your mythology.
Charles: Oh, God! Yes. Absolutely. I’ve been lying about that.
Katie: Yes. She’s messing with your dream.
Charles: Big time! And I’m so grateful to her for this.
Katie: Yes, sweetheart. So what I’m hearing is that she really did give you a gift.
Charles: Yes, she did.
Katie: Good. Let’s look at the next one.
Charles: Okay. I need Deborah to hold our relationship and family sacred so she won’t fall in love or sleep with another man.
Katie: Is it true that that’s what you need?
Charles: It’s my myth. I don’t need her to do anything that isn’t her truth. And I love her a lot. I want her to do her truth.
Katie: And how do you treat her and how do you talk to her and how are you with your daughter when you believe this story—the one you just read?
Charles: Selfish, needy, wanting her to give me, give me, give me.
Katie: To give you a phony her that doesn’t exist other than in your myth. You want her to be a lie for you. So, angel, close your eyes. Look at her. Watch how you treat her when you believe that story.
Charles: Ahhhhh.
Katie: Okay, now look at her and tell me who you would be, in her presence, if you didn’t believe your story?
Charles: A strong, talented, sexy, powerful man.
Katie: Whoa! [Laughter, whistles, and applause] Oh, my goodness!
Charles: That’s my secret. That’s what I’ve been . . .
Katie: Yes, honey, welcome to the power of ownership. No one can touch that. Not even you. This is your role. You’ve just been pretending not to see these qualities in you. It didn’t work.
Charles: Forty-five years of it.
Katie: Yes, sweetheart. Did you feel the shift from repulsive to sexy and powerful? [To audience] How many felt the shift? [Applause] And nothing happened but awareness.
Charles: I closed my eyes and saw it.
Katie: Teach that by the way you live.
Charles: I want to.
Katie: Yes. Let it come through your music, and live it with your daughter. And when she says something about her mother that you have taught her, you can let her know that you used to feel that way, too.
Charles: You mean in a negative way?
Katie: Yes.
Charles: I don’t do that to my daughter.
Katie: Not in words.
Charles: Ahhh.
Katie: The opposite of this empowered, sexy man, this empowered composer. You’ve taught her the opposite by the way that you live. You’ve taught her how to react, how to think, how to be.
Charles: I’ve been a total wuss.
Katie: That’s what you’ve been teaching her about how to react when someone leaves her. You can tell her what your experience has been, and you can begin to live what you know now. And watch as she learns to live the way you live. That’s how it shifts in our families, and we don’t have to give them The Work unless they ask. We live it. That’s where the power is. You live the turnarounds. “She’s wrong to leave”—the turnaround is “I’m wrong to leave,” especially in this moment. I left my own life to mentally travel to Europe. Let me come back to my life here now.
Charles: Good.
Katie: There’s a story I like to tell. Roxann, my daughter, called me one day and said she wanted me to attend my grandson’s birthday party. I told her that I had a commitment that day to be doing a public event in another city. She was so hurt and angry that she hung up on me. Then, maybe ten minutes later, she called me back and said, “I am so excited, Momma. I just did The Work on you, and I saw that there is nothing you can do to keep me from loving you.”
Charles: Wow!
Katie: Okay, let’s look at the next statement.
Charles: I don’t ever want to have her light into me with verbal abuse.
Katie: Yes. So, “I’m willing. . . .” Because you may have that picture in your mind again. Or it may be someone else.
Charles: How do you turn it around?
Katie: “I’m willing . . . ,” and you read it just the way you wrote it.
Charles: I’m willing to be abused. Oh. Because it’s what happens. Okay.
Katie: All of a sudden, there’s nothing unexpected.
Charles: I’m willing to have her light into me with verbal abuse. Oh my! Okay.
Katie: “I look forward to . . .”
Charles: I look forward to having her light into me . . . Oh . . . I look forward to her verbal abuse. Wow! That is a turnaround. Especially for self-righteous stuff. That’s a big one.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: Okay. I don’t ever want to hear her say that she’s in love with someone she hasn’t seen but one day in fourteen years. All right. So . . .
Katie: “I’m willing . . .”
Charles: I’m willing to hear her say that she’s in love with someone she hasn’t seen in fourteen years except one day.
Katie: “I look forward to . . .”
Charles: I look forward to it. Wow! Okay.
Katie: And if it still hurts . . .
Charles: Then I’ve got more work to do.
Katie: Yes. Isn’t that fine?
Charles: Because I’m arguing with the truth—with reality.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: So, Katie, I have a question about this. I’ve been wanting to stay, rather than leave the house, probably because of my investment in the Donna Reed myth.
Katie: I would drop the word probably.
Charles: Okay, definitely. So, I have a feeling she’s going to come back, wanting to actually try it again. And I have the thought that if I stay and continue to be willing to face somebody that I can’t trust, then I’m not the strong, powerful, sexy man with integrity.
Katie: So, sweetheart, do The Work. There’s nothing else to do. If she comes back—do The Work. If she stays away—do The Work. This is about you.
Charles: But I don’t want to be a doormat anymore.
Katie: Oh, really! Do The Work. Have it for breakfast. You eat The Work, or the thought will eat you.
Charles: But if I leave from a place of self-love, because I choose to leave, because I don’t want to do that anymore, I don’t want to . . .
Katie: Sweetheart, there’s nothing you can do to keep yourself from coming or going. You just tell the story about how you have something to do with it.
Charles: You mean that’s my habit? Is that what you’re saying?
Katie: If a story arises and you believe it, you may think you have to decide. Investigate and be free.
Charles: So if I find and notice that I’m still there, even though I’m telling myself that the path of integrity would be to finally walk away and start a new life with somebody else, that’s okay.
Katie: Honey, the decisions will make themselves for you as you inquire.
Charles: So either I will do it or I won’t.
Katie: Yes.
Charles: And I should just trust that.
Katie: It happens whether you trust it or not—haven’t you noticed? Again, life is a very nice place to be, once you understand it. Nothing ever goes wrong in life. Life is heaven, except for our attachment to a story that we haven’t investigated.
Charles: That’s really being in the moment.
Katie: What is is. I am not running this show. I don’t belong to myself, and you don’t belong to yourself. We are not ours. We are the “is.” And we tell the story of “Oh, I have to leave my wife.” It’s just not true. You don’t have to leave her, until you do. You are the “is.” You flow with that, as that. There’s nothing you can do to not let her in. And there’s nothing you can do to not leave her. This isn’t our show, in my experience.
Charles: Wow!
Katie: She comes, and you tell a story, and the effect is that you get to be a martyr. Or she comes, and you tell the story of how you’re grateful, and you get to be a happy guy. You are the effect of your story, that’s all. And this is hard to hear unless you inquire. That’s why I say, “Have The Work for breakfast.” Come to know for yourself what’s true for you, not for me. My words are of no value to you. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for. Be married to yourself. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for all your life.
I Need to Make a Decision
When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you. When you mentally tell yourself the story that you have something to do with it, you’re attaching to an underlying belief.
For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity. After I came back from the halfway house with a new understanding of reality, I would often return from a long trip to find the house full of dirty laundry, piles of mail on my desk, the dog dish crusted, the bathrooms a mess, and the sink piled high with dishes. The first time this happened, I heard a voice that said, “Do the dishes.” It was like coming upon the burning bush, and the voice from the bush said, “Do the dishes.” It didn’t sound very spiritual to me, but I just followed its directions. I would stand at the sink and just wash the next dish, or sit with the piles of bills and pay the one on top. Just one at a time. Nothing else was required. At the end of the day, everything would be done, and I didn’t need to understand who or what did it.
When a thought appears such as “Do the dishes” and you don’t do them, notice how an internal war breaks out. It sounds like this: “I’ll do them later. I should have done them by now. My roommate should have done them. It’s not my turn. It’s not fair. People will think less of me if I don’t do them now.” The stress and weariness you feel are really mental combat fatigue.
What I call “doing the dishes” is the practice of loving the task in front of you. Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that—open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.
What we need to do unfolds before us, always—doing the dishes, paying the bills, picking up the children’s socks, brushing our teeth. We never receive more than we can handle, and there is always just one thing to do. Life never gets more difficult than that.
Ruth: I am frightened and panicked to the point of paralysis about making decisions about my money, about whether to stay in the market or get out because of the current volatility and my future depending upon it.
Katie: “Your future depends on your money”—can you really know that that’s true?
Ruth: No, but a lot of me gets frantic about it.
Katie: Yes, a lot of you would have to be frantic about it, because you believe it’s true and you haven’t asked yourself. “Your future depends on the money you have invested”—how do you react, how do you live, when you believe that thought, whether or not it’s true?
Ruth: In a panicky state. In a high state of anxiety. When there was more of it, I was much more calm, but when it fluctuates, I get into a horrible state.
Katie: Who would you be without the thought “My future depends on the money I have invested in the market”?
Ruth: A much more relaxed person. My body wouldn’t be so tense.
Katie: Give me a reason to keep the thought that isn’t stressful and doesn’t make you panic.
Ruth: There isn’t one that’s not stressful, but not thinking about money is a different kind of stress . . . like I’m being irresponsible then. So either way, I lose.
Katie: How can you not think about something? It’s thinking you. Thought appears. How can not thinking about it be irresponsible? You either think about it or you don’t. Thought either appears or it doesn’t. It’s just amazing that, after how many years, you think you can control your thinking. Can you control the wind too?
Ruth: No, I can’t control it.
Katie: What about the ocean?
Ruth: No.
Katie: “Let’s stop the waves.” Not likely. Except they stop when you’re asleep.
Ruth: The thoughts?
Katie: The waves. No thought, no ocean. No stock market. How irresponsible of you to go to sleep at night! [The audience laughs.]
Ruth: I don’t sleep very well! I’ve been up since five.
Katie: Yes, it’s irresponsible. “Thinking and worrying will solve all my problems”—has that been your experience?
Ruth: No.
Katie: So, let’s stay awake and get some more of that. [Ruth and the audience laugh.]
Ruth: I can’t control my thinking. I’ve been trying for years.
Katie: This is a very interesting discovery. Meeting thought with understanding is as good as it’s going to get. It will work. And there’s a lot of humor in it, as well as a good night’s rest.
Ruth: I need some humor around this. I definitely need some humor around this.
Katie: So, “Without this stressful thinking, you wouldn’t make the right decision”—can you really know that that’s true?
Ruth: It seems that quite the opposite would be true.
Katie: Let’s experience how it feels to do a 180-degree turnaround. “My future depends on the money I have invested in the stock market”—how would you turn that around?
Ruth: My future does not depend on the money I have invested in the stock market.
Katie: Feel it. That could be just as true. When you get all this money, and you’re an absolute success in the market and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you want the money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: Who would you be without the story “My future depends on the money in the stock market”?
Ruth: I would be much happier. I’d be more relaxed. I’d be more fun to be around.
Katie: Yes. With or without the money from the stock-market success. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.
Ruth: That’s . . . Yes!
Katie: Give me a stress-free reason to keep the thought “My future depends on the money I have invested in the stock market.”
Ruth: There isn’t one.
Katie: The only future you want is peace and happiness. Rich or poor—who cares, when we’re secure in our happiness? This is true freedom: a mind that is no longer deceived by itself.
Ruth: That was my childhood prayer—peace and happiness.
Katie: So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.
Ruth: Yes, I’ve always been trying to live in the future, to fix it, to make it safe and secure.
Katie: Yes, like an innocent child. We’re either attaching to the nightmare or we’re investigating it. There’s no other choice. Thoughts appear. How are you going to meet them? That’s all we’re talking about here.
Ruth: We’re either attaching to the problem or we’re inquiring?
Katie: Yes, and I love it that the stock market is not going to cooperate with you. [Ruth laughs.] If that’s what it takes to bring peace and true happiness into your life. That’s what everything is for. It leaves you to your own solution. So when you get all this money, and you’re happy, totally happy, what are you going to do? You’re going to sit, stand, or lie horizontal. That’s about it. And you’re going to witness the internal story you’re telling now if you haven’t taken care of it in the way that it deserves, and that is to meet it with understanding, the way a loving mother would meet her child.
Ruth: I get the sense that’s all there is to do.
Katie: Yes. Sit, stand, or lie horizontal—that’s about it. But take a look at the story you’re telling as you’re doing these simple things. Because when you get all this money, and you have everything you ever wanted, what appears is what appears in this chair now. This is the story you’re telling. There’s no happiness in it. Okay. Let’s look at the next statement, honey.
Ruth: I don’t want to have to be deciding where to invest, and I don’t trust others to do it.
Katie: “You have to decide where to invest”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Ruth: No. I could just leave the money alone. And see what it does. Just leave it alone totally. A lot of me says that’s the best way.
Katie: “You need to make decisions in life”—can you really know that that’s true?
Ruth: It feels like I need to, but as you say it, I’m not sure.
Katie: It would have to feel that way, because you believe the thought and therefore you’re attached to it.
Ruth: Yes.
Katie: That’s where all terrorism comes from. You didn’t ask yourself what you really believe. It has all been a misunderstanding.
Ruth: The thought of not having to make decisions sounds glorious.
Katie: That’s my experience. I don’t make decisions. I don’t bother with them, because I know they’ll be made for me right on time. My job is to be happy and wait. Decisions are easy. It’s the story you tell about them that isn’t easy. When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip! And that’s my position—I’m a lover of what is. What is: no cord to pull. It’s already happening. Free fall. I have nothing to do with it.
Ruth: It was real clear to come here. I didn’t have to think, “Should I, shouldn’t I, should I?” It was “Mmm, yes. You’re available then. Go.”
Katie: So how was that decision made? Maybe it just made itself. A moment ago, you moved your head like that. Did you make that decision?
Ruth: No.
Katie: You just moved your hand. Did you make that decision?
Ruth: No.
Katie: No. “You need to make decisions”—is that true? Maybe things are just moving right along, without our help.
Ruth: That’s my insanity, the need to control.
Katie: Yes. Who needs God when you are running the show? [Ruth laughs.]
Ruth: I don’t want to do that, I just don’t know how not to.
Katie: Thinking this way, and therefore living this way, is in direct opposition to reality, and it’s fatal. It feels like stress, because everyone is a lover of what is, no matter what horror story they believe in. I say, let’s have peace now, within this apparent chaos. So, sweetheart, how do you react when you believe the thought “I need to make a decision,” and the decision doesn’t come?
Ruth: Horrible. Just horrible.
Katie: That’s a very interesting place to attempt to make a decision from. From that place, we can’t even decide to stop or go. That will tell you something. And when you’re convinced that you did it, where’s your proof? Give me a stress-free reason to keep the thought “I need to make a decision.” I’m not asking you to stop thinking that you make decisions. This Work has the gentleness of a flower opening to itself. Be gentle with your beautiful self. This Work is about the end of your suffering. We’re just taking a look at possibilities here.
Ruth: Would it work as an experiment to try not to decide anything for a period of time? Is that craziness, or . . .
Katie: Well, you just made a decision, and it may change by itself. And then you can say “I” changed my mind.
Ruth: And I’ll still be caught in the same ugly loop.
Katie: I don’t know. But it’s interesting to watch. If I say I won’t make a decision, then I’ve just made a decision. Watch. That’s what inquiry is for, to break through stressful mythology. These four questions take us into a world of such beauty that it can’t be told. Some of us haven’t even begun to explore it yet, even though that’s the only world that exists. And we’re the last to know.
Ruth: I get glimpses of what it means not to make a decision, and it’s feeling like that now against a background of control, trying to do it as an experiment.
Katie: Give me a stress-free reason to keep the thought “I need to make a decision about the stock market.”
Ruth: I can’t come up with any. I just can’t come up with any.
Katie: Who or what would you be without the thought “I need to make a decision”?
Ruth: I wouldn’t be like my anxious mother. I wouldn’t be becoming more and more insane. I wouldn’t feel like I had to isolate myself from people because I was too awful to be around.
Katie: Oh, sweetheart. I love it that you’ve discovered inquiry.
Ruth: I’ve been trying so hard at something that doesn’t work.
Katie: “I need to make decisions”—turn it around.
Ruth: I don’t need to make decisions.
Katie: Yes. Believe me, they will be made. In the peace of that, everything is clear. Life will give you everything you need to go deeper. A decision will be made. If you act, the worst that can happen is a story. If you don’t act, the worst that can happen is a story. It makes its own decisions—when to eat, when to sleep, when to act. It just moves along on its own. And it’s very calm and entirely successful.
Ruth: Mmm.
Katie: Feel where your hands are. And your feet. This is good. Without a story, it’s always good, everywhere you sit. Let’s look at the next statement.
Ruth: I don’t want money in the stock market to be so irrational. Hopeless! Hopeless!
Katie: “Money in the stock market is irrational”—turn it around, sweetheart. “My thinking . . .”
Ruth: My thinking is irrational.
Katie: Yes. When you see money that way, your thinking is irrational and frightening. “Money’s irrational, the stock market is irrational”—can you really know that that’s true?
Ruth: No.
Katie: How do you react when you think that thought?
Ruth: With fear. I get so scared that I leave my body.
Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the thought? And I’m not asking you to drop it. For those of you new to The Work, you can’t drop it. You may think you can, and then the thought reappears and brings the same fear with it that it did before, possibly even more, because you’re a little more attached. So what I’m asking is simply, “Can you see a reason to drop the thought that the stock market is irrational?”
Ruth: I can see a reason to drop it, but that doesn’t mean that I have to drop it.
Katie: Exactly so. This is about realization, not about changing anything. The world is as you perceive it to be. For me, clarity is a word for beauty. It’s what I am. And when I’m clear, I see only beauty. Nothing else is possible. I am mind perceiving my thoughts, and everything unfolds from that, as if it were a new solar system pouring itself out in its delight. If I’m not clear, then I’m going to project all my craziness out onto the world, as the world, and I’ll perceive a crazy world and think that it is the problem. We’ve been working on the projected image for thousands of years and not on the projector. That’s why life seems to be chaotic. It’s chaos telling chaos how to live differently, and never noticing that it has always lived that way and that we have been going about it backward, absolutely backward. So you don’t drop your thoughts of chaos and suffering out there in the apparent world. You can’t drop them, because you didn’t make them in the first place. But when you meet your thoughts with understanding, the world changes. It has to change, because the projector of the entire world is you. You’re it! Let’s look at the next statement.
Ruth: Decisions shouldn’t be so difficult or frightening.
Katie: When you’re trying to make them ahead of their time, it’s hopeless, as you said. You can’t make yourself make a decision ahead of its time. A decision is made when it’s made, and not one breath sooner. Don’t you love it?
Ruth: It sounds wonderful.
Katie: Yes. You can sit there and feel, “Oh, I need to do something with my stocks,” and then you can inquire. “Is it true? I can’t really know that.” So you just let it have you. You just sit there with what your passion is, and read, and watch the Internet, and let it educate you. And the decision will come from that, when it’s time. It’s a beautiful thing. You’ll lose money because of that decision, or you’ll make money. As it should be. But when you think you’re supposed to do something with it and imagine that you’re the doer, that’s pure delusion. Just follow your passion. Do what you love. Inquire, and have a happy life while you’re doing it.
Ruth: Sometimes I can’t read. I’m losing pieces of memory and losing the ability to track and . . .
Katie: Oh, honey, you’ve been spared! [Ruth and the audience laugh.] Have you heard me say that anytime I lose someone or something, I’ve been spared? Well, that’s how it really is. Let’s look at your last statement.
Ruth: I don’t ever want to panic over money in the stock market again.
Katie: “I’m willing . . .”
Ruth: I’m willing to panic over money in the stock market.
Katie: “I look forward to . . .” It could happen.
Ruth [laughing]: I look forward to panicking over money in the stock market.
Katie: Yes, because that will put you back into The Work.
Ruth: That’s where I want to be.
Katie: That’s the purpose of stress. It’s a friend. It’s an alarm clock, built in to let you know that it’s time to do The Work. You’ve simply lost the awareness that you’re free. So you investigate, and you return to what you are. This is what’s waiting to be recognized, what is always real.