I CANNOT SPEAK TO THE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS that have been levelled against Howard by several former students of his at Virginia Tech, in part because, at the time of writing this, the matter is still before the courts, and also because it feels too painful for me to wade into. I have chosen, for my own mental health, not to apprise myself too closely of the details of the case. I was not aware of these allegations at the time of my association with Howard, as they emerged in the wake of the tragedy on Sequoia Crescent and the attendant media scrutiny. What I will say is that it takes immense courage for anyone to step forward with experiences of sexual assault, and I would not want, for a moment, to dismiss or diminish these women’s allegations. I cannot help but feel an immediate and profound sense of solidarity with them. It is for their sake that I have felt most conflicted about writing this book, as I would hate to be seen as an apologist for Howard’s previous actions, whatever those might have been. I have done my very best to represent my experience of events as faithfully as possible, without letting subsequent developments or revelations colour my account. The media’s portrayal of Howard as a Svengali ringleader doesn’t, for instance, accord with my recollection of events, but then I have been made to second-guess so much of my experience of those months, given the state I was in. Ashley and Paul have suggested that the way I have portrayed Howard and Jo in this book is only evidence of the efficacy of their manipulation of me. If Nora or Emily or Shawn, or any of the other members of our group, wrote their own account of The Hum and Sequoia Crescent, they might have a very different take to offer. I hope, in time, they find the strength and resolve to do so.
My life has returned to some semblance of normalcy. Paul and I have settled back into familiar routines. Ashley is entering her second year of university. I have lost touch with virtually all my friends from before, but I have made a few new ones. I have a steady job that satisfies me. I have grown quite accustomed to this new-found quietude, and the thought of the renewed media interest in, and scrutiny of, my story that this book will prompt has caused me some anxiety. Nevertheless, I feel the potential benefit, to myself and hopefully to others, of telling my story outweighs the drawbacks. Inevitably the question everyone wants to ask me is whether I still hear The Hum. I have found the easiest answer is no.