Here is what you need to know about my relationship to Chelsea, besides the fact that within minutes of meeting her I was telling her I wasn’t wearing underwear: She calls me Muppet, and I let her. For those who don’t follow her Instagram as religiously as I, she’s also an animal lover.
Chunky was your first pet. Why did you decide to adopt Chunk? And how did he get his name?
My friend told me I wasn’t giving back to the community on our way back from a bachelorette weekend. When I asked her what I should do, she showed me a picture of Chunky on the website of the LA Pound. My mom called me Chunk, and I called my mom Chunk, so when I saw him standing in my office the day he came home from the pound, it was the first thing that popped into my head. Chunk.
Pets usually pass before we do. How do you cope? And how did Bert and Bernice fit into your life after Chunk and Tammy went to eat roasted turkey legs with Shrummie in the great beyond?
First of all, I’m sorry about Shrummie. You seem to have a very unhealthy relationship with cats, and I respect that. I can only cope with Tammy and Chunk being gone because I have Bert and Bernice. Anytime you can replace a pet, do it. Why put off saving both your lives?
What’s your favorite memory of Chunky?
I was paddle-boarding on the Hudson River in upstate New York, and I was pretty far away when I heard Chunk barking from the tree line. I was at least a half a mile up from where I had started, and he had been following through the trees the whole time. When I stopped, Chunk jumped in the river and swam the two hundred yards to my paddleboard. It took him almost fifteen minutes. I almost died of love that day.
What’s the naughtiest thing one of your pups has ever done?
Naughtiest? They’re pretty tame compared to me.
I sometimes feel self-conscious about having three cats and no kids—I assume people think I substitute pet children for human children. Do you ever have similar feelings? (Though having dogs is way more acceptable than being a cat lady.)
No, Alyssa.
Last one: Why dogs and not cats? (Be honest—I can handle it.)
Cats, for the most part, seem to be assholes.