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I found I had no appetite, even with all my favorite things right in front of me. And I sobbed all through the night. My eyes were swollen, puffy and pink, by morning. When a guard came in, I waited for the gate to open and the command to follow him. I told myself I’d look towards the sun one last time, and hope that I’d led a good enough life to be granted peace. Mother would be waiting for me. I wouldn’t be alone. And I could watch over my brothers, and over father, beside her.
The gate opened, and I tried to steel myself—prevent myself from shaking, which was harder than I could’ve anticipated. He left a bowl of rice for me instead, and gave no command. Looking up, it was Gi.
“They said you weren’t eating. So, I thought, maybe something easier to digest would help.”
I blinked at him as he bent to meet my eye. “Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” I tried to control my voice. In order to keep from trembling, it stayed hushed. “But I don’t need food if I’m going to die.”
Gi bent his brow at me. “Well, not today. The master left in a rush. Kurai were seen coming this way. He hasn’t said what the sentence should be. Given time, after he’s rested, he might decide against death.”
I breathed in, not daring to hope no matter how much I wanted to.
“I heard Syaoran already tried to talk to him, right before he got this news. He might mull it over while he’s resting.”
I looked down at the rice, white and brown and red, and some of it shining black. Lord Kwan might let me go? Then again, he might not.
“It was a noble thing you did, taking your brother’s place. How often does that happen for one brother to sacrifice himself for another? Most would stay quiet so they could inherit more.”
I shook my head. “Even if there was something like that, I’d still have made my decision.”
“Heaven smiles on that kind of brotherly love,” said Gi, sounding so sure. “Lord Kwan couldn’t go against that. It’s the principle of the matter. And if he’s set on carrying out a strict punishment, maybe just holding a prisoner or laboring off the debt would equal it out.”
Against my better judgement, I began to hope. “How long would that be? Wasn’t it the sacred doe that was killed? How much time would pay off a debt like that?”
Gi scratched at his cheek, smiling. “I’m not sure. Maybe only twenty or twenty-five years.”
I paled again. An entire lifetime. Though, perhaps the spirits didn’t understand mortal lifespans. “If...” I hesitated, looking for a way to explain. “If that becomes the case, would someone tell my family? Tell them that I’m working off the debt and not dead?”
“I imagine someone would,” said Gi, about to stand up.
I shook my head. “I want to know you’ll tell them.”
“Me?”
“You treated me with so much kindness and patience. I don’t know that I could believe if anyone else said they did it.”
He chuckled. “I can’t promise that. But I can make inquiries to be sure they did get the message. But none of that matters if you starve yourself first.”
Taking the hint, I grabbed the bowl of rice and thanked him again.
“Try to have patience. At fifteen, you’re almost a man. You don’t want to be acting like a scared girl. Have courage.”
The words stung. I knew he meant to bolster my confidence, to be kind, but it quietly hurt.
I ate slowly after he left, and looked around the empty kennels. What was the point of them if there were no dogs? Maybe there were once, and something happened. I started to think of Chocho and how unhappy he would be stuck in one of these day in and day out. I’d feel the same way if I had to stay in one for twenty years. Maybe death was better.
I shook away the thought and scolded myself. If I were only a prisoner, Hisato wouldn’t blame himself too much, and we could all hold the hope of seeing each other again. I knew I would likely never be married as it was, so coming home too old to wed anyway wouldn’t make a difference. No, if I had to sit in the kennels for twenty years, it was better than death. I knew it.
I worked to keep my mind in a happy state. Maybe Lord Kwan would understand that years are more precious to humans than to spirits. And if I didn’t cry anymore, if I never complained, maybe I wouldn’t have to be here quite so long. I didn’t let myself think of the alternative.
I felt in a much better mood the following day, and ate breakfast heartily. Though, with nothing else to do but wait around, I looked at the unique colors hidden in the stones that made up my prison cell; in some, I found impressions of plants and tiny creatures from long ago. The heat of summer was a great deal more tolerable in the kennels, with one open wall, plenty of windows, and thick stone to shield me. But the muggy air was everywhere. This wouldn’t be such a comfortable place come winter, and I was glad then that I brought my deel. Perhaps I could make something from the straw that made my bed, and ask for more if it was going to get thrown out anyway.
I set to work, combing through it all and organizing the strands by length. If they did allow me more straw to make things, I could weave plenty of mats and blankets to stave off the cold. With nothing better to do, I got started. I could make one thick mat with what I had, and use that for a bed.
At sunset, supper was brought to me, and I convinced myself that it was a wonderful thing to have someone else cooking for a change. I was only halfway complete on my work when the sun had gone and I had no more light.
But that wasn’t strictly true.
There was a glow of something under a floor stone. Something I didn’t notice until everything else was completely dark. Curiosity drove me to look. My fingers were skinny enough that I could get the loose stone up myself. Beneath it was a deep hole, and a small box at the bottom, where a soothing light bled from.
I knew better than to take it. It wasn’t mine. And if someone went through the trouble of hiding it here, it was probably important. But why hide it in an empty dog kennel? I knew I shouldn’t, but I grabbed the box anyway. I stayed quiet, trying not to grunt as I stretched my arm down and reeled back up.
A puzzle box of some kind. I’d seen one as a little girl when a merchant passed through. Whatever was in there would stay locked unless the combination was made. He’d said the one he had was a picture, while others were sometimes riddles. We didn’t need anything like that in the village. Who would be stealing that we’d need to put something important into a box like that? We weren’t a large village, and everyone shared what they had if it could be spared. Often, we traded things with each other, a fair exchange.
My nerves got to my senses, and I put it back where I found it, covering up the hole and making to get some sleep.
I finished my mat the following day, just before sun down, and happily ate my supper on it. But I wasn’t tired. And with nothing else to do, I brought out that puzzle box again and slid the pieces around to pass the time. I knew I wouldn’t solve it. There was writing on it, and I couldn’t read. No one in the village could. Though many families often dreamed of being able to send one of their sons to the city for a better life, where he could learn reading and numbers and a great deal else.
They were only dreams, but it lit up my imagination. What if Raeden went to school and became a wealthy man? Out of all of us, he was the smartest and would come up with unconventional solutions to problems, helping to make life just a little easier. And he wasn’t shy about asking to learn how to do something. If anyone could learn to read, to do so many things, it’d be him. And perhaps he’d find good jobs for Kenta and Hisato too. And they would be so wealthy, they’d invite father and I to live with them. I could help with raising the children when they were married and had babies. I knew a rich man wouldn’t want to marry me, not unless he was blind. But I thought of how I could still be in my brothers’ lives in this wonderful fantasy.
It was my favorite thing to daydream about at home. Sometimes I’d think: and then if I found a rich man with a kind heart who would need a wife, I would ask Fumei to come visit, and arrange to have them meet. Or maybe a prince would pass by when she visited and fall instantly in love, and she would be so grateful that she’d invite us to her palace often. Sometimes, I would imagine that Kyu was the one to go to school, and come back to confess how he’d loved me all along too, and we’d live in a big house where we never had to work hard.
Now, though. Now things were different. In twenty years, I would be too old to get married and have a family, even if I were beautiful like Fumei. Kyu would marry someone else. If he did secretly love me, twenty years was too long to wait. A part of me tried to imagine he waited anyway, though I couldn’t quite picture how he would look as almost forty years old. It would be the most romantic thing, to have waited and loved no other.
But I knew that was asking too much.
I would instead resign myself to taking children into the forests and teaching them like I’d done before. And I would spend more time in the mountain learning where every fruit tree was, and planting seeds to see if they grew. In my daydreaming, they always grew, and the village never went hungry after that. They would say: Hisa grew the trees! And we are so happy! Her hard work has paid off and benefitted everyone. All young girls should work hard and make kindness their priority, just like Hisa. I found I would smile as I imagined that.
On the night of the third day, I woke with a fright. Ferocious growls echoed through the night, howling pierced my ears, and a mighty roar shook the house and kennels. I curled up in my corner, hiding under my deel and clinging to my bunny. Voices, urgent and shouting over each other made me more afraid. I could hear people running above, in the room of the house that acted as the ceiling for the kennels. The growling grew louder, chants and shouts competed with one another, though I couldn’t hear what any of it was.
I curled up tighter, shaking. Was I going to be eaten by a Kurai? Did one of them get into the villa and now had everyone fighting it off? What was happening?
A soft glow, barely visible, peered through my woven mat. I don’t know what possessed me, but I pulled back my mat and took off the loose stone. Before I realized it, I had the puzzle box with me, hiding under the fleece of my deel. The glow poured out from the tiniest slits on the box, and provided a comfort to me while roaring and snarling and other terrible sounds shook the room above.
****
I didn’t wake early the following day. In fact, it wasn’t until the gate to my cell closed and was locked again that I opened my eyes. It was already late into the morning, and the guard who had brought me my breakfast walked away tired. But I stayed still, waiting to be sure no one would come around so I could put away the puzzle box.
I ate quietly that day, still uncertain of what to make of the fuss the night before. Where did those horrible sounds come from? Would it happen again? What should I do if it did happen again? What could I do?
Making things worse, my blood had come. I hadn’t planned on staying here at all, much less prepare. There were no guards to check on me, or a soul in sight until my supper was brought. I asked if I could speak to a staff woman on a private matter, and he blinked at me, quizzical. I tried to hide my blood and my embarrassment, asking with fervor and saying it was urgent. It wasn’t until the following morning that a woman came to my cell, and I worked hard not to cry as I explained myself, asking for a cloth and a water bucket so I could clean it.
She looked at me with shock. I suppose they all thought I was a boy, unshapely as I was with my hair barely growing back.
“Syaoran was right to send me,” said the woman, composing herself again. “The guard from last night made light of it this morning, and had his head nearly chewed off for delaying. Apparently, he’s the only one who knew you’re a girl. Or, a young woman.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t say anything at first because I was desperate to free my brother. And after, I thought I would die, so there wouldn’t be any point.” I had to focus to steel myself and keep my voice from cracking or my tears from falling.
She sighed. “Leave it to him and his soft spot for downtrodden folk. You must have looked terrified that he learned you’re a girl for him to keep it secret. Rest assured, the menfolk here aren’t so barbaric. I’ll fetch you a cloth.” She turned swift on her heel, her beautiful silken dress flowing with her movement.
I was trembling. She sounded perturbed with me. I’d made a plan to not cry, not cause trouble or complain, and already I’d done the opposite. It wasn’t my fault, but still...
I thanked her repeatedly when she returned, though she looked at me with suspicion and demanded I explain myself. My appearance, she meant. And I answered every question, doing my best to be polite and truthful. I’d even explained how my first blood terrified me. That I thought I was dying, and one of the neighboring women had to come to explain things to me. My mother had died when I was too young to have that talk.
Through it all, she twisted her face this way and that, judging my words and deciding if she believed me or not.
“There aren’t many women attending to Lord Kwan or the house as it is. I head seven others, and that is all.”
I blinked, not understanding.
“And getting a man to come and take your wash bin every day is near impossible. For the warrior sort, they’re squeamish around a woman’s blood.”
I apologized to her again, barely audible though I tried to sound firm. What else was there for me to say?
She sighed again, pensive. “I’ll speak with Lord Kwan when he’s a little recovered.”
At that, I blinked, wondering when he’d returned. Perhaps to battle back whatever horrible creature had come the night before.
“We can’t have you like this, no matter how long.”
I didn’t know what that meant exactly, and I worried that I’d jeopardized any chance of leniency to my punishment. For the moment, all I could do was clean myself up.
****
It was days later, and Yua—the woman who’d brought me a cloth—was right. Whatever guard was in charge of me was now more eager to be in and out as quickly as possible. I felt even more isolated and alone. But I wouldn’t cry over it. At least, not enough to sob. Tears fell from me one night, and my breathing in that moment took the occasional shake. Though, I was determined to not make a fuss of it. I wouldn’t let them hear or see how upset I was.
Five days, and my blood over, Gi came to my cell with Yua. The kind look of him replaced with an anxious uncertainty and fidgeting.
“They said you’re actually a girl,” said Gi. “Is that, is that true?”
I retreated my arms to myself, tucking down my neck as I nodded.
“I already told you that, you fool,” said Yua, unlocking my cell.
Gi fumbled, seeming awkward and not at all the put-together guardsman I’d met. “About all the things I said before—I never meant to...” he seemed as much a loss for words as I was.
I tried to repay his kindness, with a small gesture of my own. A single shake of my head, and an answer. “It’s alright.”
That was enough to cause him to relax a little. “If you do need something, I’ve been restationed to the house wall. The master thinks I’m too trusting to be at the outer one anymore.”
“You are,” said Yua. “Are you coming, girl?”
“Coming?” I repeated.
“To start your chores. Your cell will remain unlocked, and you can return here to rest when you’ve completed the day’s work. Unless you’d rather stay locked in here.”
I didn’t let myself hesitate. At the very least I could be in the sun again, and I wouldn’t be so bored. Better, if I had chores, it meant that Lord Kwan decided not to execute me after all.