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I was ushered out that morning when Syaoran came to check in on Lord Kwan. He seemed horrified to find me in there. Lord Kwan said nothing about it. Though, I thought I saw a kindness in his eyes. They didn’t seem as cold or predator-like. But I was tired, having spent the night reminiscing on happier times. My eyes didn’t see things quite as they were yet.
Yua, baring a stunned expression at the news, inspected me. She appeared more alarmed to find not even the smallest scratch on me. It didn’t prevent her from scolding me though. I was told the seriousness of the event, and the danger that could’ve happened. I remembered Syaoran, bloodied because Lord Kwan didn’t recognize his own friend. When he was in that state, Lord Kwan was no longer in control of himself.
It should’ve made me more afraid. Instead, it made me pity him. My heart hurt at the idea of it. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I’d hurt my brothers, or any of the villagers at home. If I’d hurt Fumei or Kyu or Chocho. I couldn’t live with the guilt.
Yet, it was something he endured in order to keep Gumiho’s cruel influence at bay. To protect us. Not only the spirits here, but every settlement near the mountain. The animals too, I was certain. I began to realize the immense pressure he must feel.
“Are you listening?” asked Yua, pointed.
My face snapped up to meet her eye. “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be done about it now,” said Yua. She inhaled, long and sharp, before releasing it in a resigned sigh. “Go to the tea house and bring a sample of the ginseng that Lord Juro brought. Lord Kwan will be wanting it.”
I obeyed, hurrying slowly. The ground was cold, and my legs were tired.
After I’d completed that task, I set to light the furnaces that would heat the floors of the main house, as I’d done the last several days. Today, I moved more slowly, and set my feet near the fire to warm before tending to the next one.
At the last furnace, I kept my feet and hands close until they started to turn red and burn. I knew any breakfast waiting for me would already be cold by the time I got there, so I didn’t rush. Instead, I let myself drink in as much warmth until I couldn’t stand it, and hoped I could hold onto it through the day.
I remembered my drawing book then, and tried to look for it without getting in the way as everyone cleaned up from the ordeal of last night. My heart became heavy in thinking it’d gotten thrown out when I couldn’t find it. Downtrodden, I returned to my cell.
There, my heart broke completely.
My bunny was gone. I didn’t care that there was no breakfast waiting, or that the bird cage was also gone. The last thing I had of my mother, the only bit of comfort I had with me through the night—the thing that reminded me to stay brave, reminded me of Hisato—was taken away.
I was being punished. One mistake too many.
Tears swelled in my eyes. My hands turned into fists. The whole of my body shook with anger. It took a conscious effort to steady my breathing, to not break down. I swore I wouldn’t let anyone see me crying. I wouldn’t let them know they broke me. Not for one second. No matter what, I had to stay strong.
“There you are,” said Yua.
I didn’t turn to face her.
She didn’t care, and uttered a command. “Come with me.”
I waited to hear her start to walk away, then quickly wiped up my face before following. She led me through the main house, a shortcut, to the farthest part from the kennels. There, she opened the doors to a room and stepped aside, gesturing for me to go in.
I was hesitant. Was there an additional punishment awaiting? Her face looked tired and severe, annoyed with me. I steeled myself, taking in a slow gulp of air, and walked inside.
It was just a room. A very nice room. Not quite like Lord Kwan’s, not even close, but grander than my family’s house. It was warm and spacious and cozy.
At the far end, beside the bed, my bunny sat waiting. I didn’t notice my drawing book and the birdcage were also there as I ran in to take it into my arms. I must’ve seemed like a child in that moment, but I didn’t care. My most precious possession was here.
“Lord Kwan ordered that you stay here from now on,” said Yua. “You should thank him when he is well again.”
“This room is for me?” I asked, turning back to face her. I was sure I misheard. Afterall, I was a prisoner and this was a fine room.
“That’s what I said. Be sure to remember your manners when you next see Lord Kwan and thank him.”
I jumped to my feet. “I’ll thank him now.”
She refused me with a slow shake of her head. “The master is tired and won’t be receiving visitors other than Syaoran and myself.”
I blinked, not understanding but not brave enough to argue or ask.
“Get yourself settled in. Your meals will be brought here and left on the table.”
I clung to my bunny, watching her look me up and down, and gave her a hushed thank you.
She responded with a long, low grunt, and closed the doors with grace.
Alone, I looked around. This was my room now. Still, I was afraid to touch anything. None of it belonged to me. I was a prisoner given a more comfortable place to sleep so I wouldn’t freeze in winter. Nonetheless, I appreciated it. Though, I couldn’t ignore everything provided in the room.
I had a layer of dirt on me, and the river was too cold. Even if the river was boiling, my feet and legs would pick up a new layer of dirt on the walk back. So, carefully, I took the wash bin and cloth that were in the room and undressed.
The water was cool, but not cold, made bearable by the warmth of the room and heated floor. I felt renewed after cleaning, and took out the used water myself so I could put it all away quickly. On my return, I noticed a beautifully wrapped present on the vanity with a note attached. I didn’t dare try to peek in. It was wrapped so delicately that I was sure I’d never be able to put it exactly back. That assumed I opened it without tearing any piece of it by accident. I stared a long while at the paper, sitting down to admire the faint print designs on it. With nothing else to do, I took my drawing book and charcoal, fixing the pages as best I could, and tried to copy the design.
It wasn’t remotely alike.
But I now had something to practice if the snows became too deep this high on the mountain and kept me inside. With that thought, I was more relieved Lord Kwan gave me this room to stay in.
****
I lay warm and comfortable in bed that night, holding my stuffed rabbit close. And slept deeply and happily; so much that pleasant dreams came.
In the morning, my breakfast was more bountiful. Rice and thin sliced beef and pickled vegetables, and a persimmon to the side. I ate it all heartily, and hurried to start lighting the furnaces again. I took on the chores no one really wanted to do, and felt I had the energy today to do them three times or more.
The furnaces were lit, the chickens fed, eggs collected and brought to the kitchen. Then I went about sweeping off the stones that made the walk ways through the yards and gardens. The stables didn’t need cleaning again just yet, but I did it anyway, and patted Saburo.
I told the magnificent stallion about my new room, and about how happy I was that I wouldn’t need to worry so much about winter. He stared at me as I spoke, watching me brush out his fur as I babbled on. He felt so warm, with a long and slow rhythmic rise and fall of his sides that comforted me. He wasn’t my horse, but I loved him like a friend.
Going back that evening, I started for the kennels out of habit. When I realized, I smiled and laughed at myself. It was a little hard to remember where my new room was, but I found it.
Alarm came in finding Syaoran inside. He sat beside the table, his injuries concealed by white cloth, and looked over with an amused smile when I entered. I probably looked like a startled fawn in my shock.
“Yua told me you’re staying in here now,” said Syaoran. His warm voice settled me. “I thought I’d bring some red tea here to celebrate.” He motioned for me to come in and sit with him.
I did so, shy as I was in that moment. “Celebrate what?”
“Everyone is talking about how you stayed the night with Lord Kwan,” said Syaoran, as though it were obvious. “Even I’m not brave enough to do that.” He pointed to his bandages, but kept a kind smile all the same.
“I was accidentally stuck inside,” I said. “You know that.”
He poured the tea, having brought in a pot and cups for the occasion. “But you stayed.”
I felt my cheeks and ears warm. “When you told me to hide, I ran into the house. I looked for anywhere to go and found that room with the heavy doors. I didn’t know it had a purpose.”
He chuckled. “Any other girl would probably run out the moment they realized what was going on.”
I tucked my neck into my shoulder. Of course I wanted to bolt out of there. “I was too much of a coward. And I couldn’t move from where I wedged myself for a long time.”
He laughed. “I like the story better that you braved it from the start. My sister would have stayed hidden all night and part of the next day.”
“Where is your sister?” I asked without thinking.
For the first time, his kindly expression faltered. A sadness replaced it, slowly consuming him, and he looked to be battling it off. “She’s in a faraway place.”
I wanted to ask so many questions then. Where exactly, and for how long? Was it because of Gumiho? Or because his sister was also a fox spirit but didn’t find the luck in gaining the protection of a Juneun like Lord Kwan? I wanted to ask so much. But I didn’t want my friend to become sad or annoyed with me. I couldn’t pry, not after all he’d done for me.
“The tea is delicious,” I said, trying to change the subject and distract from the feeling.
He regained some of his previous expression. “I’m glad you like it.”
“It’s not made from the tea trees in the village, is it?”
He shook his head. “This one came from the northeast. But I can show you what the tea from your village is like here. We put it through a long fermenting process. It’s my second favorite.”
I smiled, beaming. “I used to pick the leaves every spring with my friend Fumei.”
“Did you now?”
I nodded. Even if he wasn’t really interested, I wanted to get away from sad thoughts.
****
I didn’t tire much in the following days. Cleaning became second nature by then. I’d even offered to chop the wood to make tinder, though the men at the task didn’t think I was strong enough. Instead, I was sent away with my arms full of small pieces to restock beside the furnaces. I stacked them neatly, fitting as much as possible for good measure.
I looked forward to cleaning off my legs and face at the end of every day. It helped me to feel refreshed, coaxing me into a deep sleep afterwards when I had a fully belly. It was barely midday, and I smiled at the thought of drawing all afternoon.
Climbing back onto the veranda, I stopped after only a few steps. Lord Kwan walked in my direction, again himself. I waited patiently, nervous. My fingers fussed with my tattered deel, and my eyes kept wanting to look down rather than face him. I tried not to shift my weight from one side to the next so often. What should I say? A simple thank you didn’t seem sufficient. But he’d likely get annoyed if I rambled.
When he came near, I bowed deeply, the best I could for respect. “Lord Kwan.”
He stopped.
I straightened, keeping my hands folded in front of me. “Thank you, my lord. F-for the room you let me stay in. Winter is almost here, and it was very kind of you to consider allowing me a warm and comfortable stay.”
He said nothing, looking me over for a long time. Perhaps it only felt like a long time because of the silence between us. Either way, my smile began to wane. Did I say something out of turn? I could never read him, or guess at his thoughts.
“You’re still in those rags?”
I looked down at myself, slow to understand him. “I have nothing else, my lord.”
He blinked, slow. Taking another step to me, he grabbed my wrist to lead me along. I gasped in surprise, dreading what might happen. He said nothing, walking at his own pace. His hand was cool to the touch; not icy, but not warm.
“Are you sending me back to the kennels?” I asked in a whimper.
“No,” replied Lord Kwan, abrupt.
We walked down familiar paths and through the house. At the door to my room, he stopped only to open it, and towed me inside. We stopped in front of the vanity. Our reflection captured perfectly in the mirror, I saw just how shabby I looked next to him.
He looked down at something, silent and studying. “You didn’t like it?”
“Like what?” My voice came out as a trembling whisper.
“The dress I gave you.” His eyes made their way from that wrapped package over to me.
“Dress?”
He held it up, the tiniest hint of a smile on his face. “It’s your name on the note.”
I blinked, slow to piece it all together. “I... I can’t read, my lord.”
He raised a brow, that hint of a smile fading away.
“I did see the package. But it wasn’t mine, so I didn’t touch it. I just admired it.”
He set it back down and took my hand again, holding out one of my fingers to trace the lines. Even in here, where it was so warm, his touch remained cool. “This is the character that means receiver. And this one is your name.”
I looked away from his face and down to the note as he guided my finger to trace out my name. I’d never seen what my name looked like. It seemed like such a simple set of lines, but I gawked anyway.
“Now you know,” said Lord Kwan, in a gentle tone I wasn’t used to from him.
I looked back up, not realizing he’d leaned in to speak, and met his eyes immediately. They were more fierce and handsome up close, though not as intense as I remembered. “Did you send the bird cage as well?”
That hint of a smile was back. He nodded. “You couldn’t read the note to know.” He stepped away to fetch the note, bringing it back to have me trace out what it said, his hand guiding me the whole way. “For Tori.”
I felt his breath beside my ear as he spoke, and my skin prickled with a strange excitement.
“It looks like he escaped somehow,” said Lord Kwan.
I shook my head. “I let him go.”
He looked back at me, studying, but that hint of a smile remained. “Weren’t you keeping him as a pet?”
“Not as a pet, my lord,” I said. “He wanted to be wild. I just raised him. I, I didn’t want him to die before he’d ever really lived.”
“That was kind of you,” said Lord Kwan.
I felt a warmth in my cheeks, and a sense of pride filling my gut.
“Everything in this room is yours. Do with any of it what you like.”
“All of it?”
He said nothing, leaving with controlled and regal steps, and closed my doors behind himself, gentle.