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After I’d recovered, and with Lord Kwan gone, I spent more time on the swing, wondering about things I shouldn’t have even bothered with. Feng had her room made, and it was assumed she’d be there some time. I’d been entrusted with keeping order to some extent. And, the kiss. Even at the start of a crisp autumn, I felt my cheeks warm at the memory, and my imagination betrayed me in bringing up the feeling over and over in a variety of scenarios.
I was no longer safe in my daydreams.
“Did you put this up?” asked Feng.
I looked up, stupefied. “Lord Kwan did.”
“Are you sure you should be on it?” She came closer, elegant, in spite of having the lower half of a snake.
With a nod, I explained. “He said I could use it any time I wanted.”
“Generous, my fiancée. You know he sent for me? He wanted me to come back to his house.”
I smiled. “I told you not to give up.”
“Even so, you won’t stay as my servant? He’s fond of you, as far as humans go. It’d make him happy if you agreed to stay on as my attendant.”
I shook my head. “Three more years of serving, then I go home to my family.”
She sighed, frowning and keeping a distance from the swing, even though it didn’t move except by how I shifted in standing. “A bigger room?”
I shook my head, smiling. “I don’t think I’m cut out to live in a noble’s house. When he held court, people kept... staring at me.”
“That’s one of the reasons I want you to stay,” said Feng in a tone of complaint. “When we hold court, they’ll be too busy looking at a human to be bothered with what I’m doing.”
I didn’t ask. Bunching my brow, I offered a look of apology.
“I suppose this can stay too,” said Feng, eyeing the swing with suspicion. “Since you like it so much. I don’t really see the point.”
“You don’t like it?”
She scoffed.
“Have you ever tried?”
That garnered a look of quiet outrage. “All it does is go back and forth until you fall off.”
“You won’t fall,” I said the words, hearing them echo as Lord Kwan’s in my ear.
She eyed me, deciding whether or not she believed what I said.
I stepped off, extending my hand to help her up. Reluctant, she accepted. There was steadying needed, with her tail trying to balance and wrap tight.
“I’ll hang onto you the whole time,” I assured. Slow and gentle, I walked back and forth with her.
Her hands clung to the ropes in a vice, her posture stiff. After several smooth passes, she relaxed. I took an extra step in either direction, allowing a slightly greater rise and fall. Her silken hair gracefully swayed with her. At one point, I spotted a soft smile on her face.
“What do you think?”
“Utterly ridiculous,” said Feng, though her smile remained.
Once off, she brushed her fingers over her silken dress, ridding any wrinkle from it. A tremor from the ground, the mountain complaining, had us grab each other to keep from falling. It lasted only a few seconds, but in that time, I worried for my village.
“I suppose we ought to check in with the house,” said Feng, calm as autumn leaves.
“Do you think the villages are okay?”
She gave me an odd look. “Probably. Humans are a resourceful lot. Even if something happened, there’s nothing we can do.”
“Not even magic?”
Feng raised a brow, a slight gnawing to her bottom lip and a finger held to her chin as she decided how to answer. “It’s a different kind of magic. Maybe Juro could do something if he were here. Kwan, most definitely. But the rest of us have talents elsewhere.”
I couldn’t help my feelings, nor that my hands yanked at the ends of my sleeves. “Should we go to check?”
“They’ll be fine,” dismissed Feng. “Now come, we’ll see to the house first.”
I wanted to defy her, to run home and make sure my family was alright. But I was still a servant, and she was my master’s intended. Wasn’t she?
****
It was days after, and no word. I’d asked Gi, though he’d heard nothing of it.
As far as I knew, there was no serious damage anywhere on the mountain. Though what that meant to a Juneun might not be the same to a human. Syaoran complained more than ever that there was the smell of dogs in the air, making him cranky. Everyone brushed off what he’d said, myself included.
Then Feng screamed.
I was already between the walls, wandering, and rushed to see what happened. She was beside the swing, being harried by a playful thing coated in fur and mud and grass and leaves and more. It barked at her, cutting off wherever she tried to dart to, and wagged its tail. In my rough-spun cloths, I hurried to calm the situation, cooing to the dog.
“Get that thing out of here!” demanded Feng.
“The dog?” I patted him, stealing his attention and holding off a barrage of licks to my face.
“It’s covered in mud! It’s destroying everything.”
I laughed. “He’s still a bit of a pup. He just needs a bath.”
“Just needs a bath‽ He ruined my dress!”
“I can clean it and fix it,” I said, giggling with the dog’s sniffing and inspection of me.
“How are you laughing when you’re practically under its paws? It could bite.”
“Humans say the same thing about snakes and biting, remember?” I reminded. “I wonder if this is why Syaoran kept saying he smelled a dog all summer.” My hand found splotches of sticky fur, smelling faintly of pomegranate wine. “Maybe.”
“Syaoran?”
“There’s been weird things happening, and food would go missing. I bet he’s also been the one digging holes and turning over the garden.”
“Foxes hate dogs.”
“I don’t see a collar, or anything. He’s probably not trained and doesn’t know better.”
“It sounds like you’re planning on keeping it.”
I looked to her, smiling. “He’s not a bad dog, see?” I held the scruff of his neck, my other hand guiding him to sit and calm himself. “He reminds me a lot of Chocho, the dog in my village. And Lord Kwan has kennels.”
“The dogs left not long after Syaoran came into Kwan’s service. They kept barking at him.”
“I could teach him not to do that. He’s still really young.”
“You’ll never get Syaoran to let you keep him. Even if you somehow managed that, my future husband would tell you to send him away.”
“Lord Kwan will be gone a while. But maybe if I get him cleaned up and trained a bit, he can stay. It’s good luck to have a dog around.”
“You might be wasting your time.”
“I wonder where he came from. It’s not likely that there’s a bunch of dogs just running around the mountain. Did you get separated from a merchant, boy?”
“Syaoran hates dogs.”
“Maybe I can keep him secret, just until I can show that he’s not a bad dog.”
A troubling silence came from Feng as I sat there, petting him and thinking of a name.
“I’ll allow it,” said Feng. “Get him clean—and I mean clean—and I’ll help to mask his scent. It’ll drive Syaoran crazy.”
I laughed. “I’m not trying to drive anyone crazy. But just look at this little guy. Look at how cute he is. And he’s all alone and hungry.”
“You have a weird sense of what’s cute,” said Feng in a tone of disgust.
****
It was effort to get him clean. I’d borrowed buckets, brushes, and a length of rope from the stables. Most of the afternoon gone, he looked a lot better, and his energy had run out. His fur was thick and brindle in coloring. I recognized him as a kochi-ken dog, the same sort that a fur-trapper had when he passed through our village some years ago. He’d boasted the breeding lines of his dogs, asking if there was an interest in a pup; there was, though none of us could afford it. Chocho came from an accidental litter, unwanted, when Lan and Renzo had gone to the nearest city to replace tools that couldn’t wait for a merchant (and if he didn’t have the particular tools, the waiting would’ve been for nothing).
How such a fine dog came to be alone and stealing scraps was beyond me. Surely no one would dismiss or didn’t want a hunting animal like a kochi-ken.
That’s when it came to me. Koji. I would call him Koji. He was certainly small, for now, but his paws showed there was more growing for him to do. Lots more.
Koji enjoyed the brushing out of his fur, keeping still and perfectly posed. He wasn’t a bad dog at all, and I was sure that I could train him. It would just take time.
Sneaking him in was another matter. He didn’t pull on the rope, his front paws clumsily trotting as he looked up to see me rather than watch the path ahead.
For the first few nights, I slept in the kennel with him, worried he’d get lonely and howl. And I shared my meals with him, using the food as an incentive for training. Some days were better than others. I never quit though.
My time was spent between the walls as I’d snuck Koji out, playing with him and teaching him how to be a hunting dog; or, trying to. I didn’t know how to teach him that. My best guess was to use a stick we’d played with, and teach him to wait until my command to get it. Sometimes I would tie him to a tree while I hid it, and then have him snuff it out.
On occasion, Feng would find me and watch as I tried my best to train Koji. Often, he was distracted with someone else watching and would look over at her rather than pay attention to what I wanted him to do.
As suspected, Syaoran complained more about the smell of dog (which gave Feng pleasure as she told him he was delusional). I just needed a little more time before I could show Koji and demonstrate that he was well trained.
Autumn grew crisper and crisper, keeping most of the household inside for cozy warmth with little else to do. Except on a particular day when Syaoran called for me. In a panic, I tied a length of rope between Koji and one of the trees, shushing him and hoping whatever problem wouldn’t keep me too long.
I ran, trying to put as much distance as possible behind me to keep Koji a secret.
“There you are,” said Syaoran. His tone kept an annoyance, as it had since I brought Koji in. “Juro is asking for you.”
“Lord Juro is here?”
“That’s what I said.”
“And Lord Kwan?”
He sighed, waving his hand in front of his nose. “He hasn’t come home yet. Juro brough the ginseng tea, but he’s early—do you smell that?”
“Smell what?”
He gave me a crooked look, narrowing his eyes. “Never mind.”
I waited for him to lead, not wanting to chance he’d find Koji yet.
Juro waited in the far back, under the shelter of the shrine. Secluded. Discomfort rose in me, not just from the setting and what I anticipated to happen, but because it meant I was further from Koji and couldn’t hurry back to him.
Syaoran dismissed himself once I was delivered. My fidgeting began.
“I heard you fell ill in my absence,” said Juro, once we were alone. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling much better.”
“I owe my health to Lord Kwan and Lady Feng.” Again, I did my best to imitate how the other servants spoke when formally addressed.
“I should have been sent for,” said Juro, taking my hand. It was then that I noticed no mud emerged from anywhere, unlike before. “You can imagine my distress.”
I realized he waited for an answer. “I’m sorry if my ailment caused you to worry, my lord.”
He looked me over, sighing. “Will you refer to me as Juro, at least when we are alone?”
I hesitated.
“You smell different.”
“Different, my lord?” I saw the displeasure in his face at my address.
He let go of my hand. “I came to repair the earth. I’d heard there was a quake and that you had concerns about the villages.”
Admittedly, I found myself surprised. “You’re very generous for that, my lord.”
“Juro.”
He waited, and I couldn’t shake the discomfort in my mouth. Unable to keep my eyes on him and try to address him the way he wanted, I looked down. “Juro.”
“You must know, Hisa, that I came swift. For you.”
“Me?” my eyes flicked up again, for a moment.
He stepped closer. “Does undoing the damage of earth please you?”
I didn’t know how to answer. It brought relief, but I also felt like there was the implication that I should be indebted to him.
“Help me to make you happy, my love.”
A chill spread through my back. “I... it does, my lor—Juro. I worry about my friends and family at the mountain’s base.”
The tips of his fingers brushed against mine where they sat politely in front of me. “I’ve also brought a good stock of medicines with my usual delivery of tea. And, for you, Hisa,” he brought out something wrapped in blue silk, “A gift.”
“You didn’t need—”
“For your birthday.” He unwrapped it, revealing a hairpin from carved from nacre.
“My lor—Juro. You’re very thoughtful, but my birthday isn’t until mid-winter.”
“So that’s when,” said Juro. I stopped myself, meeting his gaze as I realized I’d been tricked into revealing something. “Before, or after the solstice?”
I shook my head. “You can’t be giving me this, L—Juro. I don’t have anything to give in return.”
He ignored me, pinning up my short hair. My eyes darted down, and my hand instinctively went to hide my scar. His own pried it off.
“A kiss,” said Juro. “As my reward.”
I hated this. I hated being put to feel like I owed that to him. “It’s not appropriate, my—Juro.” My voice came out as a whimper.
“Servant girls have done more for half as fine of a trinket,” said Juro, hinting at agitation. “And I had the rest of my gifts brought to your room.”
“Rest?” I looked up, feeling more cornered and confused than ever.
“So that you might get used to wearing nice things, and think of me when you wear them. A sample of what our life together might be like.”
I blinked in disbelief, shaking my head.
“Let it be my one reward for all of my effort.”
“I just, I don—I’ve never,” I stuttered, trying to come up with some excuse that would allow me to avoid this and leave.
He pulled me, holding the small of my back as our bodies pressed against each other. I looked at him, brow bent and eyes pleading as my voice stayed stuck in my throat.
“One kiss,” said Juro, “is all I’m asking for.”
I started to shake, unable to run, unable to speak. My heart pounded, and my breath labored. His free hand glided up my side, fingers brushing my cheek and lifting my chin. He leaned in, and I shut my eyes, bracing myself.
Barking, and the weight of paws putting us off balance as Koji bounced on us.
“What? What is this?” demanded Juro.
“Koji!” I scolded. Though, in reality, I was happy for his rough intrusion. His paws coated in mud, I made profuse apologies as I settled him. “Lord Juro, I’m sorry. Your clothes—I’ll take him to the kennels, now.”
“That’s,” he seemed at a loss for words. “Yes. Please do that.”
I didn’t wait for conformation, letting my full discomfort show.
In the kennels, I breathed out some relief. Koji licked at my face. I put a stop to it, smiling with sad thoughts. He wasn’t pristine in his coat anymore, and the ordeal that saved me wouldn’t look good in the case to keep him.
“How did you get free?” I asked, futile as I knew it was. It didn’t look like he chewed through, leaving me to suspect he’d wiggled out of the rope.
I stayed beside him a while, stroking through his fur. At any moment, someone would tell Syaoran about the event. With what time I had, I did what I could to make him presentable.
Enraged, Syaoran called me to the courtyard. I kept Koji with me, hoping beyond hope that I could prove his good demeanor and win over Syaoran’s approval. Lin marveled as he walked beside me, though I doubted that’d be enough support to convince Syaoran’s decision, as the acting master, to favor my side.
“I knew I smelled dogs!” growled Syaoran.
Feng watched from the veranda, amused by the whole thing.
“You kept this from me—made me think I was going insane!”
“Not on purpose,” I whispered. “I just, I, I hoped that if I could train him, then you wouldn’t make him leave—”
“That’s not to mention the insult to Lord Juro.”
“I’m sorry.” I kept my head down, unable to look Syaoran in the eye while he was fuming.
“Send it away.”
“But I—”
“Now.”
“He’s not a bad dog, though. He’s not even barking or growling at you, see? He’s sitting calm—”
“Hisa,” scolded Syaoran. “Do not argue.”
I tried anyway, meek as I sounded. “Can he stay just a little while? Like a trial period?”
“Hisa,” his voice grew cold. “Now.”
Desperate, I looked to Feng for help. She stayed unmoving.
“Gi,” called Syaoran, irritated with me. “Take that animal and get rid of it.”
“No,” I begged, falling to my knees and wrapping my arms around Koji.
Gi walked up, discomfort on his face. “Sorry, Hisa.”
I held tighter to Koji, met with a playful complaint from him. My eyes looked from Gi to Syaoran to Feng and to the dog in my arms, disregarding Juro’s approach.
“Let go, Hisa,” cooed Juro. “When we are wed, you may have a dog. Something a bit smaller and more manageable.”
I kept my hold, a wordless request for Juro to do something, even if I knew it was useless. I’d denied him what he wanted, and couldn’t expect he’d take my side now. Gi reached down, taking the rope from my grip and cuing Koji to come with him.
“I don’t remember ordering a household gathering,” said Lord Kwan. I looked up to see him walking through the moon gate, headed towards us. “Juro, you’re here early this year. We were remised that you left the wedding celebrations.”
“I,” hesitated Juro, “had it on good authority that I was needed here to mend the earth after a tremor.”
My brain compared what I’d been told, and what he’d now said to Lord Kwan. Urekkato. He’d looked through my eyes, and perhaps sent Juro away with the news for some game.
“Did you?” said Lord Kwan, steady in his voice, calm. “And the assembly here?”
“Lord Kwan,” I said, before anyone else could get their word in first. I got to my feet, determined not to be ignored. “Please don’t make me send away Koji. He’s a good boy, and I’m working on training him to be better behaved. I promise he won’t cause trouble. He’s just young still, and—”
Lord Kwan held up a palm. “Who is Koji?”
“My,” I hesitated. “My dog.”
“Your dog?”
“I found him, my lord. He was half starved. That’s why he was stealing scraps. But he’s cleaned now, and I’ve been sharing my meals with him, so he won’t—”
Again, Lord Kwan stopped my babbling. He gestured for everyone to disperse, eyes studying each of us. Gi walked back to Syaoran’s side, letting go of the rope leash. Juro, as well, stepped out of the way, trying to pull me with him. I stayed put. Koji sat, perfectly still until a sneeze broke his composure.
Lord Kwan stared at the dog. Not with the same intense irritation that he did upon meeting me for the first time, but studying all the same.
“What should be done?” asked Gi.
Syaoran fussed with his face, resisting the temptation to pinch his nose from the smell.
Lord Kwan said nothing, taking his time. Then, he looked to me. “He stays in the kennels until you take him out on a leash.”
“What?” said Syaoran. Disbelief consumed him, his head whipping between me and Koji to Lord Kwan.
“You will feed him yourself,” continued Lord Kwan. “You will bathe him yourself.”
“So,” I started, my mind slow to comprehend, “he can stay?”
With a flick of his hand, he pushed back his long, black hair.
“You’re not serious, my lord,” said Syaoran. “Are you?”
Walking to his room, Lord Kwan answered, “I like dogs.”
I smiled, beaming, and hugged my arms around Koji.
“Hisa,” said Lord Kwan, still walking away. “The one from your village this time. After you’ve changed.”
I looked down at my grubby clothes, a mess from Koji’s interruption and my attempt to clean him after. It took longer than it should have for me to remember my task of attending him. “Y-yes, my lord.” I took hold of Koji’s leash, fast bringing him back to the kennels.
In my room, I hurried to undress and clean myself up. I couldn’t tell if I still smelled like dog the way Syaoran complained, but I made the extra effort anyway so that it wouldn’t come off on the dress Lord Kwan had given me. It didn’t slip my notice that several new things were on my table, including a stack of persimmons. The bojagi silk wrapping, with its lattice knot and piece of decorative floral tucked in, looked expensive, never mind whatever it held.
That guilt and discomfort strangled my gut once more. True, I’d probably have nothing so elegant gifted to me again, but I didn’t want to be obligated to return an affection I didn’t feel. Already, my mind tried to come up with some polite way to refuse.
I tied on my undershorts, and placed on my bouses, one perfectly over the other, allowing the colors of both to show. The underskirt next, to hold the bouses in place. I’d started to tie it off when I heard my door slide. Juro came into my room.
“I’m underdressed, Lord Juro!” I held my arms and hands tight against my torso, bending forward as though it’d somehow conceal me better.
He closed my door, continuing his approach. “You didn’t look at the one I brought you.”
I understood the ire in his tone, however subtle. “Not while I’m serving. It’d be a shame if I’d accidentally damaged so fine a thing.”
“You didn’t look.” His hot breath grazed the back of my neck. Hands gliding over my hips and around my stomach, his arms pulling me close against him. He inhaled my smell as I stood frozen. We stayed that way a moment, my mind unable to come up with how to escape. “I want to look at you.” In a controlled movement, his hand reached and unbound the knot I’d made on the underskirt.
“Lord Juro!” I gasped. “Stop.”
Mud began to pool around my feet, the cold touch causing further panic.
“I only want to look.” He pulled the skirt free of my grip in a single yank.
“I’m scared, Juro!”
He paused. By luck, or because I’d addressed him the way he wanted in my panic, I didn’t know. “Look at me, Hisa.”
I shook my head, putting my entire will power into not crumbling to my knees.
He turned me to face him. My arms still braced against me. His finger lifted my chin, making me meet his eye. “I love you, Hisa. And you love that dog more than you love me.”
“I do not know you!” I was shaking, fearful and angry.
Blinking, he mulled over the words I’d hoarsely said. “I forget. You’re not the typical servant girl. We know little about each other. But I do love you, Hisa.”
“Then why do you treat me like this?” I growled, trying to sound menacing in spite of my feelings. “You expect my affection and agreement, but you don’t listen to my discomfort. I’m treated like I’m already your property and not a person. That is not love. And I will not marry without it, not even to the richest or most powerful Juneun.”
He stared at me, saying nothing for a while. “That is what I want as well. But you have closed off your heart from me.”
“I haven’t—” I caught myself beginning to argue, walking myself into a trick of words. “I don’t know how to speak with you, let alone anything else, Juro.” It felt awkward and forced, not addressing him by title. I wanted to avoid his wrath in whatever form that might take, and so I complied with his original request.
Holding my face in his hands, he leaned in. “Understand, Hisa, that I’m used to certain things. What I am not used to, is fear. Or love. Contempt, I am used to. Reluctance, and loathing, among other things, yes. But I will make every effort, if you will allow me an eternity of affection.”
Something I could try to work with, as my head stopped spinning. “I’m only human. I can’t give an eternity of anything. And I am teased for it regularly. I fought to keep Koji because he’s like me. Mortal. Limited in life with time.”
Juro looked into my eyes with a tender sadness. “Then let us not waste more of it.”
Again, I froze, blinking as I tried to figure out where I’d messed up my defense. The cold of the mud, and the trapping of my fallen underskirt distracting me.
“Kiss me, Hisa. Just once.”
“I,” I couldn’t come up with an excuse. I didn’t have to. His lips were already on mine. My top lip fell between his, wet and strange. It wasn’t the soft, brush of a touch that Lord Kwan had given me in winter. It was a deeper kiss, meant to have feeling—a feeling I didn’t have in return for him.
He pulled away, opening his eyes to look into mine. “I will...” his words trailed. A pensive sigh left him, and he walked out of my room.
Finally, I crumpled to my knees, my breath catching up to me and my ears ringing.